I think my H fully intends to divorce me. He just phoned to say goodnight to the kids. He mentioned he only had a few minutes. I repeated puzzledm "only a few minutes?" H said " Yeah I'm at the courthouse on a course, a parenting course." I know what this is...it's the same course I did called PASS. You need the certificate of completion, plus a certificate of independant counsel to get a divorce. My ears are red, my face is too, I feel sick. I'm close to tears, and I feel awful.
The upside...perhaps it will make him realise what he's putting the kids through. The film clips when the kids talk about their feelings broke my heart. That course was the most difficult thing I ever had to sit through.
I doubt he cares enough though.
I did not get upset on the phone, I did not say anything provocative or inflammatory. I merely said " Oh," brightly and handed the phone off to my oldest child.
Right now I want to text him so badly and tell him exactly what I think about his actions and how much his indifference and attitude hurt me.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
SC - Please take care of yourself during this time. I know those feelings of panic and fear and sadness and hurt. The only way to heal is to let yourself feel it all. You need to stay healthy for your kids - My thoughts and prayers are with you! IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
He's too wrapped up with everything that's going on with him. Read some of the older threads, there are a few former mlc'ers that have done an amazing job at describing what goes on upstairs. Not to mention what we see and hear.
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I did not get upset on the phone, I did not say anything provocative or inflammatory. I merely said " Oh," brightly and handed the phone off to my oldest child.
You did good! No need to make things easier for him, or more difficult for you.
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Right now I want to text him so badly and tell him exactly what I think about his actions and how much his indifference and attitude hurt me.
Just be still for a bit. Find some quiet time and catch you're balance. Feel what you have to feel, just don't let those feelings fuel your decisions.
I have read the MLC resources. I can't understand how someone could hurt so many people for their own selfish reasons. I can't understand why they wouldn't get the help they need. I can't understand why family is so unimportant. I don't even know if he's worth the tears I've shed, the words I've spoken or the energy I have invested.
What a waste. What an effin' waste.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I have read the MLC resources. I can't understand how someone could hurt so many people for their own selfish reasons. I can't understand why they wouldn't get the help they need. I can't understand why family is so unimportant. I don't even know if he's worth the tears I've shed, the words I've spoken or the energy I have invested.
Not too many of us can.
There is a huge difference here right now. You are dealing with this. He isn't even thinking of starting to.
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What a waste. What an effin' waste.
From where you sit right now, nothing could be further from the truth, and that still stands true no matter what happens in the end.
SC - I agree with fisherman. It has not been a waste. Look at the gifts of your marriage! Your beautiful children - your memories of life as you knew it. You will grieve - you should grieve - allow yourself to do it. But NEVER think the time you gave as a loving wife was a waste. It made you into the loving person you are today.
I love the term "extreme self-care" - that's what you need right now. Go easy on yourself.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I feel it has been a waste. Love's labour lost. Meaningless. In the end the love I gave, the effort I expended, the investment of time didn't and doesn't matter.
I will do what I must to protect and nurture my kids until adulthood and beyond if they need me.
All my memories are tainted now. Tainted with the knowledge I didn't do enough, well enough. I failed at marriage. I failed at being a wife. I can forgive him. I don't think I can forgive myself for not being astute enough, or sensitive enough, enough of a good listener or his soft place to land.
Forgive me if this bores you. I just need to get it out right now or have these thoughts keep me awake and sleepless tonight.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
SC - it does not bore me at all! In fact I have posted the exact same words. We are about the same age and married about the same length of time - so I feel a kinship here. Your heart hurts - as it should. But YOU did not give up the marriage. YOU did not walk away. YOU were not perfect but YOU showed up every day. YOU were willing to do the work. HE walked away. HE took the easy way out. It's not about how perfect you were or were not - it is about who shows up every day. It's about who recognizes a VOW as a covenant. Not a promise, not a contract. A covenant. You don't break it. I always think to the future - 10 years from now. There is NO way that either one of us will be happier or better off than had we worked through what ailed us. Imagine what our kids would have been able to see in terms of how to make a relationship work. But they have to see the other side - they have to see how to pick yourself up and go on.
SC - wallow tonight. Walk tall tomorrow!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Thank you Irishblessings for your understanding. I cannot stop weeping. I have called to make an appoinment with my DB counselor for tomorrow.
I think though I have to accept he really meant it when he emailed me the bomb. He's done and was done the minute he walked out and nothing I've changed, nothing I've said, not my personal growth and even the welfare of our kids won't alter his mind or his path to the courts.
He is a child of a divorce. The abandonment runs deep in his paternal and maternal family lines and in his step father's line. I admit I was damaged and I found a lifeline to emotional maturity and growth. He won't admit the same and get the help he needs for his own terrible hurts.
I should have listened to my mother and not married him.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
