I have to be honest, between eyes welling up and coming close to vommiting - that was hard to read.
I very sorry all the hardship you've had, and really just want you know that I read it and I'll offer whatever support I can. I think for now LIS has offered the best advice. I will continue to read and follow your sitch as I can.
Take care, BITS SIC
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Today...I am going to get cute. Fix my hair and put my makeup on. I have neglected myself.
I am sanding a piece to refinish that I am putting up for sale.
Tomorrow is darling Mr Rae's birthday. Despite not receiving a birthday present myself for the last two years, I have gotten him a race day at Texas Motor Speedway in his own car.
As far as stopping taking care of him. I can't yet. That's more for myself than anything. I need to find my feet again. The repercussions I will face for stopping are more than I need right now. It will just be too nasty. For now, I am going to keep on keeping on to protect myself. I'll get there. One way or another.
When my daughter was little and I was struggling with what happened to her, I prayed and prayed for strength. I was led to the story of Abraham and knew what I needed to do. In my mind, I placed my baby girl on that altar and left her in His hands. God doesn't have grandchildren. What happened to her was between her and God. Just as it was with me. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.
It's time for me to hop up on that altar and have a rest myself.
I read some of your comments and I could swear my W wrote them. A few weeks back she said this
"you were an a$$, but then again, I always knew that. I thought I could handle it but I wasn't strong enough. You became a bigger a$$"
Sound familiar?
She was right in her eyes I was being an a$$, in my eyes I was just being me, turns out they are one in the same. A lot of times we don't even see what we are doing or what we are saying. I love my W very much but I have always loved her, how then could she not feel loved? This is the problem most of us men are faced with. It takes different actions from our W for us to start to see the light, for me, it was my W leaving, reading a hundred books on relationships and finding this website. I don't know what will work with your H but know there is a light bulb that will go off at one point.
Ok, let's deal with your most pressing issue, your daughter... I'm not going to give you the kids are resilient speech because that is crap.
Oh boy, I can't even believe I'm going to get into this, but it is important. So, I explained in my own thread my therapy entailed talking about the rape and "my past." So that, I suppose is the other gem. I was molested by a close family member (not quite your daughter's sitch but close enough). (You'll all understand why I'm going to just disappear for awhile). There were two ways my life was going to go in reaction to this: 1) either I let the situation define me or... 2) I find forgiveness in my heart and define my own life. I went for option #2 and I mean in a big way. I cannot even begin to tell you how fortunate my life has been after I found forgiveness. Today "close family member" and I are best friends. I know that's hard to believe for some, but that's just the truth. God was huge in that journey. The people close to me in my life were huge in that journey. Even though most didn't really know my whole story, they were HUGE. I'm going to make a suggestion that I need so much for you to take the right way: if you concentrate too much on what happened to your daughter, she is going to feel that she is defined by what happened. That is going to cause huge issues. My problem with the "close family member" was private. But my rape, well, that was pretty public. Everyone knew what happened including those in my school. They very much let what happen define me in their minds. I was no longer LIS, I was the girl who was raped. I thought of myself that way too. But that was bad. I was still LIS. I know I'm not articulating this right. I need some help here. But, your daughter and your relationship with her is so much bigger than the tragedy in her life. Make THAT your focus. This will bring so much healing for both of you.
I completely respect your wishes about taking care of your H. DO IT FOR YOU, THOUGH.
Ooooohhh... furniture, did I tell you I LOVE decorating??? When will you finish that piece?
Ok, so today, I was not supposed to get angry at my H. (So far so good, but the day is still young)
I am supposed to go to the gym (probably not going to happen - migraine again. Which we'll bring up in goals tomorrow)
I need to eat at least 3 vegetables (check already)
I need to begin Bible study on Hebrews (bluck... not one of my favorites because the theology is tough for me there - I'll get back to you on whether I get that done, but I probably will and if I don't, you can kick my butt)
Are you looking cute?????? I just LOVE that.
Yes, sweetie, lay yourself on the altar. That is EXACTLY what you need to do. It's just so amazing what happens after that.
I'm so praying for you. I'm praying mostly for your peace. You are just so deserving of so much.
My sister blames "close family member" for the fact that she is a drug addict 25 years later.
My mom still blames my dad for leaving her emotionally abandoned 35 years ago...
Your sister probably blames someone for some of her choices...
I blamed my husband for my depression...
My husband blames me for the impending divorce...
And so the circle goes, right? Well, you're a very sharp lady and you already know there isn't a thing you can do about someone's blame. Especially blame so utterly misplaced as your H's in this situation. He needs to deal with that himself. But when his venom is aimed at you, that's a problem. Especially since you just seem like such an incredible person.
I have kept reading the boards and been keeping up with everyone's sitch. I think I just wanted to hide out for awhile. Sometimes, it's just too much.
I've been getting "cute" since the last time I posted and man, did I need that!
My D16 was only 3 when we found out what had been happening to her. I finally found a counselor that wasn't a whack job and she really did well with him. (We had one that made her confront her GM. Amazingly, she stuck to her guns, but boy did she act out after that.) She and I would speak almost daily about her feelings and then one day when she was around 5 I asked her if she needed to talk because she hadn't for several days. She looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about. It really freaked me out. I called her counselor and he said that it was perfectly normal. I've called him off and on for advice as she grows and develops. He always has sound guidance and is really just a good person.
Yes, he blames me for time lost with his father. And in all honesty, I could have handled it better. For the first several years, when he would talk to his dad, it hurt my feelings. I can't even begin to tell you the things his dad said about me. I was crushed. He didn't handle things the way that I would have and I held him to the standard of what I would have done. We'd been married for about 7 years at that point. I went to him and apologized. I told him that I realized he must have felt that I was rejecting him bc of how he choose to deal with it. That I was sorry and wouldn't give him a hard time about talking to his parents. However, every few years H would ask if we could just all get together with them and I would always say no. I have really thought about this and prayed about it with all the stuff going on now. I stand with my decision. I HAD to protect my D16 and her sisters and little brother. I understand that he feels differently and I respect that.
As for my sister, girl she is just bat sh!t crazy. Seriously.
SIC,
Thanks for visiting. It is quite a bit to take in. Sorry that we are all here.
Your thread disappeared for a while. Just wanted to chk in and see how you are doing today.
ZEN
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Thanks for checking on me. My thread was buried on page 9 or something, bc I stopped talking for a bit. I just wanted it all to go away for a bit.
This is just hard sometimes.
You doing ok? Been thinking about you. Living with the MLC'er is hard, but I know what a hard time you have had with him being gone. It feels like there is no winning with this.
Ok, gonna snap out of my poor me mode and get busy on my chores.
