I feel like this is a good time for me to join the group since I find myself in the same sitch as many of you. I’ve been reading this board for about a month now. I can see the value of supporting each other and giving each other advice. Nothing wrong with getting an outsider’s perspective.
Anyhow, here is my story: My wife and I have been married since April 97 and we have been together since May 96. We have D7 and S4. She is 39 and I am 36. We had to relocate to the bay area last March, since this is where I found employment. I always thought our marriage was indestructible and so did all of our friends and family. One of my good friends said he considered us the “All American Couple and All American Family”. All of us were wrong.
Over the latter half of ‘09 and most of ’10 we experienced some major changes in our lives. In ’09 we began taking paycuts at work and eventually both of us were laid off. We ended up losing our house and we had to make some drastic lifestyle changes. We were able to overcome these obstacles without much of a problem, as I was blessed to get a great job offer in the bay area. She wanted to be a stay at home mom (probably a big mistake looking back now), but we made it happen. She has always worked and is a very social person, so hence the mistake. A little over a month that I moved up here, my dad passed away. I coped well when he passed and shortly after, but it eventually (late summer ’10) affected me and I became disconnected from my W and kids. There was another major factor with me becoming disconnected and that was that my MIL moved in with us about the same time. She lives with us ‘til this day.
So over the course of these months, we had about 3/4 arguments that began by her telling me she needed more from me. I didn’t stop to ask her what exactly she meant by needing more from me. I argued what more can I give? I was working 55 hours a week and thought I was taking care of my family by providing for them. More of the same arguments with neither of us stopping to figure out how to fix this runaway train. The day after Thanksgiving, I asked her why she felt so distant. She said that she isn’t happy anymore and wants out of the relationship. I couldn’t believe it and I was completely floored. The conversation continued and of course I ask the obvious, “is there someone else?”. The first time she answered she said no. We continued talking and I asked again, this time I got the answer I didn’t want to hear. She’d been having an EA with a HS classmate who happens to be in his 2nd marriage. She had planned on moving in with him with our kids, two weeks after dropping this bomb on me. He happens to live about 1400 miles away from us. I couldn’t believe what I’m hearing and to know that the world as I know it is crumbling down on top of me.
I went through the normal crying and begging her to work things out. It just pushed her further away and made her more resentful towards me. She had no empathy for me whatsoever. I couldn’t believe the venom that she had for me. This wasn’t the same woman I’ve been with for all these years.
Well since the original madness, things have continually improved over time. After the EA, the W and the OM had planned on growing their R to a PA during the Christmas holiday, but thankfully W came to her senses and ended it. The OM continued to pursue the R until the beginning of January. The W replied to an email from him telling him to move on with his life without her in his future. She volunteered this information to me after I confronted her about her phone records. Looking at her phone records made me feel worse than I already did BTW. I’m grateful that things had improved tremendously from the prior month, but I have a long ride ahead of me.
That’s about the same time I found DB’ing. I’ve read DR, been speaking with MC, read the DB forums and have watched MWD on youtube a thousand times. All these things make me feel better and give me hope, but it is a daily struggle.
Let me try to fill in the blanks. The W and kids (and the MIL) are still living with me, but she wants to file an uncontested D soon and move closer to her family. I don’t believe there is OP involved at this point and if there is, it isn’t like I can do anything about it anyway. I’ve been trying to buy time, but I realize the time is getting close.
I’ve been doing all the things for her that I should have been doing before arriving at this juncture. I don’t tell her I love you anymore, I don’t give her hugs (except once last Friday), try to limit my contact with her and generally give her as much space as possible. It is difficult to completely detach as I believe her secondary love language is “Quality Time”. I truly believe when she said she needed more from me, she needed alone time with me and I didn’t give it to her. She asked me last week if we can set aside 15 minutes every night to talk after the kids are asleep. Of course I agreed. Most the conversations have been about how we are going to work things out, specifically with the kids. I try to listen and validate her feelings. It is a difficult task to say the least, but I have gotten better over the course of time. Believe it or not, I even got her to speak to my coach last week. She hasn’t changed her stance after the session, but I am hoping that something that my coach said will resonate and make her think twice about her decision.
I believe her primary love language is “Acts of Service” and this is where I failed her miserably. I have always been the type of person that does things on my own time. She would ask me to do something and I would just blow it off as no big deal. To her it was a big deal and if I would have just taken care of these things, I wouldn’t find myself in this situation today. Unfortunately I did not realize the damage I was doing by not taking care of these things.
As I understand the plan right now, we file uncontested, she plans to move to another state soon, leave the kids with me to finish school and get through part of the summer. I’m hoping if she moves first, she will get the opportunity to see how life will be without me and having to be away from the kids for an extended period of time. My hope is not to get to this point. As long as she comes back, it doesn’t matter how long it takes. She is my world and I will do whatever it takes to make her happy.
Here are the issues I struggle with. She doesn’t want me to fight her in court and make her stay up here in the bay area because she can’t afford it on her own. However, she plans to move to another state with our kids, which will limit my time with them unless I move. She doesn’t want me to limit her options, but she is willing to dictate my future, especially when my career is flourishing here. We haven’t told our kids anything and I don’t want to as long as I can help it. I know that they are going to be devastated as we are a very tight family. She says she’s optimistic that they will be fine. Ugh!! I just want to YELL!!
Some days I’m overwhelming confused as what to think. I see positive signs, but at the same time, when W makes a decision, she usually sticks to it.
I know many of you have great advice. Any help is greatly appreciated. God Bless
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I'm sorry you are here, but like you mentioned there are a lot of great people some with a lot of experience. You will find lots of great advice, and a lot of people to bounce ideas and thoughts off of.
Use your postings to journal, vent and address questions you have on a daily basis.
It's most important for you to detach and not pursue you W (from everything you said you don't seem to be pursuing), attempt to GAL and find things that make you happy.
One thing you did say is that you'll do anything to make your W happy. Unfortunately a lot of these issues stem from the fact the we look to each other to MAKE US happy when in reality we have to find the things in life that makes us happy - that will allow us to contribute to all of our R's in a positive way.
More people will be along to offer advice.
Good luck.
BITS SIC
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
It's good to see someone from the Bay Area too. Welcome, but so sorry that you're at this point in your life right now. We may have differing circumstances to our marital breakdown, but all of us in this forum can share/offer similar advice and wisdom.
My wife is wanting an uncontested divorce as well, but I'm not sure how child custody/visitation will work. She is in medical school and she may move to another state for residency...how do I keep my life with my son, you know?
Thank you SIC and Alamo for the welcome. I wish you the best in your sitch as well.
I didn't know what detaching meant until yesterday after going to LiveStrong and reading about it. I can still meet my W needs and detach at the same time. I know that it is going to take me time, but I will have to get there as quickly as possible.
Quick update since yesterday. The W came downstairs into my room as I was watching basketball and wanted to talk. I turned off the TV to have an uninterrupted conversation. She told me she is ready to file, because she feels that her life is at a standstill. I told her that I understand. I also told her that it is the last thing in the world that I want to do, but that I love her enough that I want her to be happy even if that means I have to let her go. She said that made her angry, because she felt like I didn't care for a long time. Why did it have to get to this point for me to get it? We talked for awhile. She continuously changes our history and blames me for all of her unhappiness. I listen and validate her feelings as much as I can.
There is so much more to cover, but that is the nuts and bolts of the update.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I'm feeling backed into a corner this morning. W has scheduled an appointment with the document company for next Wednesday to begin the process of D. I knew the time was getting close.
As of right now, W plans on moving to another state soon and leave the kids with me until the summer to finish school. She wants to get established (get a job and a place) before taking them with her. She has asked to get them a month before school begins to get them acclimated to their new surroundings. If we go with her plan, I will be lucky to see my kids for 3 months out of the year, unless I move near them. That is completely unacceptable to me. Of course when I bring up the fact that her situation isn't any different than mine and they can stay with me......she doesn't like the thought of that one bit. She gets upset. It's maddening, but I have to continue to keep my composure.
Here are my thoughts. If we file uncontested, that will buy me nearly 6 months to save our M without getting into the ugliness of D. That will also give me time to weigh all of my options and see how things play out up to that point. Also, it will give her time to be on her own without me and the kids. Hopefully she will realize that is not what she wants and the life that she is throwing away isn't bad at all. Only time will tell.
If we continue down this path, then I can always hire an attorney after we file the uncontested (before it is final) to fight for custody of our kids. I really don't want to do that, because it will push me further or completely away from my goal.
Perhaps some of you that have been down this path can weigh in with your thoughts. Thanks
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Had a nice conversation with W this morning. We covered plenty of ground how we and other people (some of her friends) get to this point in R/M and what can be done to prevent it. I didn't do any pursuing as it appears she is still checked out of our M emotionally. I hope she will reconsider. I will continue to be patient.
She wants to let the kids know that she is moving (plans to move sometime in April). I don't ever want to tell them and hope things can be resolved before that point. Unfortunately she would like to tell them this Thursday. Any advice on how to handle the devastation that they will face? I have bought as much time as possible and I don't think I can buy anymore.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Ugh!! I'm having a tough morning. Letting my imagination and bad thoughts get the better of me. Someone please hit me with a 2x4 (a few times).
I know better than to look at W's phone records. I see a couple of numbers on there consistently. One of the numbers I know who it belongs to and the other I do not. What difference does it make? It could very well be nothing and I'm stressing myself out over it. I know I can't do anything about it anyway. Ugh!! I hate being like this. I have never, not once, snooped through any of her records before this.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I'm feeling backed into a corner this morning. W has scheduled an appointment with the document company for next Wednesday to begin the process of D. I knew the time was getting close.
As of right now, W plans on moving to another state soon and leave the kids with me until the summer to finish school. She wants to get established (get a job and a place) before taking them with her. She has asked to get them a month before school begins to get them acclimated to their new surroundings. If we go with her plan, I will be lucky to see my kids for 3 months out of the year, unless I move near them. That is completely unacceptable to me. Of course when I bring up the fact that her situation isn't any different than mine and they can stay with me......she doesn't like the thought of that one bit. She gets upset. It's maddening, but I have to continue to keep my composure.
Here are my thoughts. If we file uncontested, that will buy me nearly 6 months to save our M without getting into the ugliness of D. That will also give me time to weigh all of my options and see how things play out up to that point. Also, it will give her time to be on her own without me and the kids. Hopefully she will realize that is not what she wants and the life that she is throwing away isn't bad at all. Only time will tell.
If we continue down this path, then I can always hire an attorney after we file the uncontested (before it is final) to fight for custody of our kids. I really don't want to do that, because it will push me further or completely away from my goal.
Perhaps some of you that have been down this path can weigh in with your thoughts. Thanks
Hey LITB, sorry I've only just caught up with your thread. I take it that you've gotten legal advice on how to approach an uncontested divorce, right? Well, if that's the case, you know more than I do. Is the six months wait a required time before finalizing, or maximum time given to you to sign the papers? As you know, my wife wants to do an uncontested too, and I want to try to go with it, but be firm at the same time. The thing is, if I drag my decision for the full six months, wouldn't that look like stubbornness/retaliation/stalling to my wife?
My son is also the top of my worry list in terms of custody (hate that word). I'm afraid she might renege on her desire for us to care for our son 50/50.
Had a nice conversation with W this morning. We covered plenty of ground how we and other people (some of her friends) get to this point in R/M and what can be done to prevent it. I didn't do any pursuing as it appears she is still checked out of our M emotionally. I hope she will reconsider. I will continue to be patient.
She wants to let the kids know that she is moving (plans to move sometime in April). I don't ever want to tell them and hope things can be resolved before that point. Unfortunately she would like to tell them this Thursday. Any advice on how to handle the devastation that they will face? I have bought as much time as possible and I don't think I can buy anymore.
Again, sorry this is late reply. Here are my 2 cents.
A. I read on a couple of divorce websites where they recommend (since y'all have a 4-yo) to tell the younger kids a few days or a week before the actual physical separation, because they don't have a good concept of time, so telling them in advance creates a high anxiety level in them. E.g. If you told your 4-yo he was going to see, say, Disneyland to see Mickey a few days before the trip, he talks about it all the time, and he has a harder time sleeping or staying asleep, right? Well, he'll behave the same if you told him a month before.
B. If your wife goes ahead and tells them, you have to step up and comfort them. Be the best father you can be, the best support system. If you can hold up that fort, your wife might actually see it. She still has to live with the consequences of her decision, but you nor your kids don't have to dragged down along with it.
