I see a lot of discussion about forgiving her for dating an other man and being physical. And I don't get it. I read the part about what a he!! her life was at home, and all I could think was, "Wow! What took her so long?"
Yes, you need to forgive her for what she did (reactionary and self-preservationary, as it was). But I just don't see you particularly worrying about how you are going to be sure that you offer her a better marriage to return to. Do you worry that she might not forgive you? That she may not ever be able to trust you not to get angry and fall into the ugly old you? How are you going to build that trust? How are you going to rebuild the commitment? Seems to me, you have the easy part in forgiving her a sexual transgression. She has to forgive an entire personality transgression.
denver my H did the exact same thing. When i found out about the PA he just looked at me all confused like he couldn't understand what i was accusing him of. He said 'we were separated' ... i almost choked as he had forgot to inform me that we were lol.. my point is, he had emotionally detached and attached a physical separation to it. Our WAS do not realize this, for whatever reason whether it makes the transition easier, it alleviates their guilt, denies them the responibility of their actions etc. they cannot see beyond their noses and would never look at it from our side no matter how much we try and point it out to them. Over the past few months i've realized that although i absolutely DO NOT agree with how he behaved or handled our separation or 'supposed separation' I can now honestly understand the HOW he could believe what he did was acceptable. Hurts like hell trust me, but it makes the forgiveness easier when we can relate to what drove them there in the first place.
Me-41 H-34 T-9 M-8 10/21/10-BOMB 11/01/10-H moves out 01/27/12-H files
"Good memories tell you that your past was worth it, bad ones tell you that you were strong enough to go on"
Denver based on your analysis you are characterizing vows in order of importance.
If you admit you broke yours why is her breaking hers an issue.
Because it was physical and not emotional?
Maybe I'm not communicating my point very well 2Step. I don't think that there is a hierarchy on vows. I'm saying I broke mine, not by cheating, but by not loving and cherishing my W as a H should. My W broke her by not remaining faithful while we were/are still M'd.
I feel more guilt about my transgression than I can ever put into words. But I'm struggling with the idea that my W's transgression is just 'okay'.
It's the old idea that 2 wrongs do not make a right.
Cat seems to be saying that my W was 'emotionally divorced'. Maybe that is a legitimate concept. I'm just trying to understand it more. So that I can process all of this.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
But I just don't see you particularly worrying about how you are going to be sure that you offer her a better marriage to return to. Do you worry that she might not forgive you? That she may not ever be able to trust you not to get angry and fall into the ugly old you? How are you going to build that trust? How are you going to rebuild the commitment? Seems to me, you have the easy part in forgiving her a sexual transgression. She has to forgive an entire personality transgression.
Some of your points have validity. And AGAIN, I feel more guilt about my 'personality transgression' than I could ever explain here in words. The easy part? I don't know about that. I don't think any of this is easy, on either of our parts. And I have yet to see ANY situation on this board where either party in the M or R had an easy part.
The answer to your questions about whether I worry about me falling back into the old me... If you had read the entirety of all my threads here, you can see the work that I've done to change. Why did I do this? Bc I don't want to repeat my mistakes. I chose to do this even when the chances of repairing my M were slim to none. So the answer is 'yes'... I do worry about all of the things you asked. I don't think that there is just an end to this process... I think that I will have to do it for the rest of my life to make sure that I don't become complacent.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks Chrysalid. It is helpful to know that others have been able to process through this successfully.
I just want everyone to know, that I'm not sitting here blame shifting for the collapse of my M. I have spent 3+ months beating the crap out of myself for fing things up! I'm dealing with some terrible things that would throw ANYONE off for at least a day or two. I haven't even had 48 hours to deal with it or process it.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
You are right that you need some time to process it. You need to allow yourself to go through the emotions.
However, please understand that everyone here is going to do anything they can to make sure you get through this and through this with your M, if we can help it. You're not going to get your 48 hours with us, unless you go dark with us, because we need to make sure we take care of you just like you do everyone else.
With that said, do your grieving, screaming or whatever. But do not let your W see it. She does not believe she cheated and that's her reality right now. You are not going to get the apology. And no one can take it back. This is crappy. Absolutely crappy and I know gut-wrenching. But before you do something that you'll regret later on, you need to be operating from a place that says that you acknowledge HER reality.
Chrysalid - I hope that it did not appear as if I was irritated with your post. I just used my response to vent a little.
I'm feeling some anger this afternoon. Don't know why... I just am.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver, everyone is trying to help. You have to understand that we all care about you, are all on your side and are absorbing not only your weekend changes in your R but all the things you confessed too. All of it GOOD!!! But it changes how people guide you too. Yeah, pot calling the kettle black - you can smack me.
3 months of reflection and learning your mistakes and faults isn't a long time at all. You can very easily slip back into old habits this early and none of us want to see that. That's all anyone is saying. You've got a lot of work to do on you still. And you know that's the only thing you can control in this situation - your changes. She has to deal with her own.
She tried for years, she gave up, left, was divorcing you and moving on and would have on paper if she had the money. She was done. She moved on, and that included dating. The thing WAS' have that we don't, is closure. They worked through their grief, they did their trying, they gave up and moved on. By the time we find out, we're just starting our journey in dealing with it all. That makes them a lot farther on the "moving on" path than us. I'm NOT excusing what she did. I know it hurts like hell, I've been down that road too many times myself. But ask yourself this.... if you had not decided to DB and you guys did divorce, would you still consider her as having cheated? Or is it because you hope and pray this is just a separation and now this PA has made the separation harder to overcome? The truth is, she gave up. You pulled her back. You're on your way to stopping a divorce, you're changing the outcome. Is it more important that you took separate paths and she met someone on that path or is it more important that you end up on the same road, together? I'm just babbling here... you've decided to focus on the road together, and that's wonderful. But I know it still hurts, it's still a shock no matter how much you suspected it and it will take some time to truly move past.
Now, let me tell you that piecing is hard as heck!!!! You can see me struggling. It's hard when you're DB'ing around them and tip-toeing and scared to fall back on your old mistakes and bad habits 24/7. You and I both have both been blessed and cursed to not be separated that long. The curse is that we both still have to work on our changes while piecing. The blessing is that we have the opportunity we have. I DB'd 2 years the last marriage and 6 months after he left for the OW, he came back. For just 1 month. I completely blew it, I fell back into old habits, I was the woman he left instead of the woman he came back to. I'm determined to not do that again. I was a horrible W the first time around with my XH and a not so great W with my current H. You were a horrible H with your W. So I do understand. So I'll kick you and keep you in line, you do the same for me and all the BITS are here too. Roll up your sleeves, Denver, now is the hardest part! Everything has been a dress rehearsal until now in dealing with our spouses.
But, are we putting the cart before the horse? She said she's interested in saving it but she's not back yet. So have you had any time to think about where to go from here? What plans do you have? Valentine's Day?
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11
