Ditto what the others are saying. I just made a whopper confession of my own so move over the bar stool and share the drinks because you have lots of company over here in the land of the less than perfect people.
You know what I find more interesting than everything you posted? The fact that you felt the need to confess everything before you told us that she had a PA. That says that you think you needed to protect her from us. To give an explanation, to take the heat for her. Not that she needed any protection from us! We're on your side, the side of your M or whatever you decide and since you love her, that makes her ok in our book. Right, BITS?
You do love her, Denver. You fought to be here, to have her want to try to save the M. You fought to change yourself for her. Right now you have a real shot of not only saving the M, but having a wonderful one where you both take responsibility, both give 100%, both put each other first. I know you've got that big male ego you keep telling me share with my H... but don't let it get in the way here. Don't let it destroy all your hard work because that is what will happen if you decide not to try now that you're so close. Your ego will get in the way. You worked so hard for her to want you again and now that you've got her on the line are you going to be the man that says "oh, I made you change your mind, now I can walk away with my ego" or are you going to be the man that says "I f'd up. You f'd up. We're human, we messed up. But you're still the woman who stood by me for all those years when I was an idiot until I pushed you so far away that you didn't see a way back. Now I'm pulling you back because I need you, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life being so incredible, such a great husband to you that you'll never want to leave again, you'll never be in the position to even have to think about moving on with an OW". Be THAT guy, Denver!
I'm bordering on that decision, acting like the first guy with all ego and trust issues and thinking of me, me, me. I'm an idiot. Don't be an idiot like me. Because darn it, if I have to push you into being the amazing H that you can be if only for the rest of us girls here to see some hope... I'll do it!!!!
He's a 2x4, hit yourself for us. Not for your mistakes but for hesitating on what to do here.
(((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11
Your post, brought me to tears, for several reasons...
That does not happen to me often at all.
I agree with Mach's suggestion that you appear to have been in a "life transition" of your own for a while.
That is not something that goes away easily and honestly, I have a feeling that it was only the actual loss of your W that even began to really open your eyes.
You will not recover from any of this quickly or easily.
That is the bad news.
You can recover though.
That is the good news.
My H, could have typed those words out himself, during his first transition period. I know, because I was on the receiving end of just that. I finally followed through on my threat, and his suggestion, to be done.
That is what woke him up the first time. He never believed that I would actually do it either.
The difference, is he was not able to look at the WHY's that brought him to that place to begin with, so after several pretty good years, we went through a repeat of that same stuff, only much much worse.
The second time, I "stood" until I had myself together. Emotionally, because the damage that was done, was bad. And when I realized that he wasn't even beginning to look at himself more than superficially, I was done. It still took me some time, I kept looking for a sign either way, and I finally decided that I had given it all that I could. And I moved on and have started a new life.
Sometimes, I still see the sadness about it in his eyes...
I can't go back though. I won't.
I love him, I forgive him, but he has to figure himself out, and maybe someday, he can be a better H to someone than he was to me.
Don't put yourself or your W in that position. It isn't fair to either of you.
It truly is the hardest thing in the world I believe.
Can you forgive your W?
Can you forgive yourself?
Can you really be a better Denver?
Be the man that she deserved and wanted all along?
She seems willing to give you that opportunity...
She seems to be willing to try to forgive you...
Her actions...
were that of a person who was done and moving on.
She owed you no explanation really.
You told her to go...
and she did.
She was emotionally divorced from you.
I believe in God, and promises, and vows.
I have also lived through emotional divorce. There comes a point for a person, when the D papers, really are just that, papers. That is where your W was.
Anything that comes now, is new. A new friendship, a new relationship, and possibly, a new marriage. A vow renewal would definately be appropriate down the road. A recommitment to the vows that were so broken by both of you a long time ago.
Try to put this into a perspective that allows you to find that forgivness that you seem to want to find.
Denver, you MUST kill those demons that led you to where you were...
It is the ONLY way that you will NOT repeat those mistakes.
I promise you if you don't, you will be back there.
And I don't know if she would give you another chance again.
It isn't enough to want to be better.
It isn't enough to try to be better.
You have to become better.
If you can't do that...
then attempting reconciliation, is wasted time.
She is giving you an opportunity....
that not a lot of people get.
Don't blow it.
Answer Mach's questions...
not for him...
but for you... (and for your W)
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
wow Denver, I don't want to say ditto but ditto. That took a huge amount of guts to first write it but also to let us all in that you were hiding it. I say that in itself is a HUGE step to new Denver.
You definitely have the right mindset to make this work. All you have to do IS the work.
We're here for ya buddy!
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Denver, I know how painful this is, hearing the confirmation of what you feared. I won't lie, I heard the confirmation from my W I think 5 months ago and it still pops into my head at random times. It still hurts, but it's more of a dull ache when it happens now. You WILL get through this, you have no choice. The choice you do have is HOW you get through this.
I'd like to recommend the book Not Just Friends (if it's ok with the mods). It deals with EAs and PAs from all three standpoints, hurt partner, unfaithful partner and other person and helps provide some clarity and understanding. It's about as non-judgemental as can be and really helped me deal with the sitch. Even my W has started reading it to see how and why she did the things she did.
Hang in there!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
You know how Gritter, Mach, and the other vets always talk about making changes for yourself? I think last night was the biggest step you took to really live those words.
When you see the reflection and realize changes need to happen.......that my friend is real growth.
It took an extreme amount of courage to post this denver and to expose your heart and your soul and confess the truth. Thank you for your honesty. I'm still struggling with taking responsibility for my actions in my marriage, i too have a tendency to sugarcoat the bad.. but I see now that I have to face it no matter how painful it will be. I NEED to be able to recognize my faults and my contribution to the failure of my marriage before I can move on. I need to forgive myself first and then move forward to forgive my husband.
I learn so much from you all.
god bless denver.
Me-41 H-34 T-9 M-8 10/21/10-BOMB 11/01/10-H moves out 01/27/12-H files
"Good memories tell you that your past was worth it, bad ones tell you that you were strong enough to go on"
I feel you are walking the path in front of me in many ways, Denver. In my case I f'ed up years ago. I think my W never dealt with it and it festered and is popping up now.
I also have my suspicions about her having a PA ... and basically knows she intends to.
Anyway .... you did great man. You did exactly what you wanted to do. And, just as after a big job interview ... you always want to get the offer. Well, sounds like you may be getting that job offer .... now what do you do?
You don't have to carry on. You can use the PA as a good reason to bail if you want. Or, you can feel that both parties are responsible for the destruction of the M, and both can build a new one together. But you'll both have to be able to process that anger and guilt.
I think the thing is here ... you can do either ... if you want. So, what do you want?
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
No... after staying up literally all night and pacing my house... thinking... I've already decided that I am NOT going to bail... that I am going to continue on this path... A path back to my W and to a new and much healthier me, and a new and much healthier M.
There is so much in the kind words that each of you has said to me since last night that I want to respond to. I will tonight.
For now, thanks to everyone for caring and being here.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
