Be the Lighthouse

[iwllbd1]

Great to see your progress denver. My wife texted me on thursday night asking if I would be around this weekend bc she wanted to talk about our situation soon. I told her that I would be but by family would be down bc we were taking my D2 to toy story on ice. She just said "oh" and that maybe we could get together this week and talk. She is uncomfortable around my family so I'm not surprised she chose to wait. I keep wondering what she could possibly want to talk about...is it just about our finances, our D2, or does she really want to talk about us. The last one really scares me but then I think to myself, what else could she say to me that could make me feel worse. She has told me before that she doesn't want to be married, so my heart has been through that. I know she was involved with a guy from work, not sure if she still is, he lives 7 hours away. So if this talk does happen, I will keep low expectations and go into a discussion with low expectations. I keep reminding myself that this is a marathon...not a sprint. I miss her dearly but can't appear needy or weak. Women don't find these qualities attractive and I can't blame them. Good luck bud

BITS

[Denver_2010]

<<<<<<<<<<<<UPDATE ALERT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

W initiates text convo at noonish (I'm going to edit out chit chat for brevity):

W: "SIL AND BIL said you are welcome to watch the SB at their house."

Me: "LOL... what are you doing for the SB???... Think that I'm getting arthritis from all the texting you and I have done in the past 12 hours. "

W: "Going to over to SIL and FIL's. You used to be the texting king. It was the only way to communicate with you."

Me: "I prefer talking to you these days. So you thought it would be bad for you to come to my house for the game but you are inviting me to your sister's? Hmmm... I'm not sure how comfortable that would be for me. I would like to hang out with you, SS and everyone, but... I don't know. Plus, I'm wearing the same outfit that you saw me in the other night! LOL..."

W: "yada yada" about something I was looking for in the store

Me: "Thanks. Let me think about going to SIL's. I want to see you guys. I just don't want to be uncomfortable. Or for you to be. I assume that you are Ok with it since you sent me the invite though."

W: "I'm fine with you being there as long as you change your outfit! LOL! No really, I don't mind being around you these days I just think that we should talk soon."

Me: "Yes, what every husband want to hear from his wife "I don't mind being around you these days"... LOL.. J/k."

W: "Sorry. Just being honest. I'm not as willing to dive into anything with you as you are. It's complicated and I'm seriously confused and torn. Just trying to be nice."

Me: "Who said that I was willing to dive into anything??" "

W: "Nice. If you are smart, you'd do anything to keep me. But that's just my opinion. "

Me: "I was just teasing. You know how I feel. I'd walk through the gates of hell for you and SS. I think that I've come pretty close to doing that over the past several months. Anyway, I was just kiddin around. What time do you plan to go to your sisters?"

W: "no, i know you were kidding."

Then some more talk about me picking up some buffalo wings for the SB party that I will spare everyone from.

-----------

So this is the deal everyone. I realize that I am not practicing good DB principles at every turn right now. But I credit DB for getting me to this point.

My sitch is now this - My W wants to reconcile. I'm fairly confident of that. There seems to be pursuit on her part, but it is very passive aggressive. My educated guess is that she wants reconciliation, but she needs for it to happen in a way that she does NOT appear to have made a mistake in leaving in the first place. She needs to do it in a way where it appears that she has proven to me that she won't stay in a miserable M and that she will leave me if pushed too far.

I think that I've got to give this to her, at least to an extent. I think that this is what I actually need to do to continue to draw her closer.

Unfortunately, what this means for me is that she continues to have complete control over the situation. I'm fine with that I suppose as long as it can be corrected down the road when our reconciliation is more stable. I won't agree to reconciliation without solution based therapy. That is one of my few conditions for reconciliation.

Another concern that I have is her comments today that "It's complicated and I'm seriously confused and torn." I'm not sure what she is referring to specifically here.

It could be that she is torn bw sticking to her guns that the M is over and working on M. Or, it could have something to do with OM. I can deal with the former... not as sure about the latter. I don't know if I can deal with being 1 of 2 men that she is choosing bw right now. Not sure how I will deal with this if this is the case.

Another concern that has seriously been rising within me is with possibility of transitioning into the "piecing" stage of DB, I will have to actually walk the walk and forgive W for EA and, maybe, even a PA. I'm pretty certain that I can forgive her for EA. I have some doubts about PA. I know that I've talked a lot about unconditional love, but man, a PA will be hard for me to get past.

W and I plan to talk in the coming days, so I'm sure that I will be getting answers to some of these questions. I am cautiously optimistic at this point.

BITS
Denver

P.S. Sandi - I'd really like to get your take on what may be going on in my W's mind right now.

[Denver_2010]

^^^^^^^^

Okay... on my way to my SIL and BIL's house to watch SB with W and her family. Should be interesting...

I will update later!

BITS
Denver

[grr]

hope it was fun for you
i truly do think you know how much to mix the dbing technique with what you know about your wife
because of my husbands abandonment issues, i knew last year, that if i went completely dark on him, he would be gone
so trust your gut, denver
and be careful...a few of the things you say, do seem a bit "too available"
i do like the "i'd walk through the gates of hell line"
i think that is very masculine and we, as women, like to feel taken care of sometimes

[Denver_2010]

Thanks grr. Well, one of the things that my W says she fell in love with when we first met was how I "made her feel safe". So I guess it's good. I know that I've seemed way too available to W. Honestly though, I think that if I backed off, she would mirror that and back off too. It is a tough line for me to walk right now.

I will update in a little while.

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

So went to SIL and BIL's to watch game. W, SS, niece (3yrs) and another friend of SIL's was there. Nothing special bw W and I. We sat on different chairs but next to each other most of the game. We made chit chat off and on and shared a few laughs. I spent a lot of time playing with my niece who I absolutely adore. Didn't spend much time with SS as he spent most of the game outside making an igloo in the snow. LOL...

W and I shared a hug after I walked her to her car after the game. We talked a little about what night we would go to dinner either this coming week or the week after.

That's about it. I think that I did a nice job acting "as if" I am completely happy and cheerful. But I'm sure that it just came across as I was happy bc I was there with W and her family. Oh well.

I think that it is more progress, albeit small.

BITS
Denver

[grr]

it sounds like a nice evening
and there is nothing wrong with her thinking that you were happy to be there with her and family
i'm sure that warms her
keep doing what you are doing
hope sleep comes easily tonight

[Denver_2010]

Thanks grr!

FOBD - You okay pal?! Haven't heard from you since you went to the movies last night and I don't see your thread anywhere.

BITS
Denver

[FellOnBlackDays]

Denver,
Sorry, man. Got home late last night and was tired. Did't turn on the computer at all. Got up this morning, hit the gym for two hours and then spent the rest of the day prepping for party. Just now getting on the forum. I just spent some time catching up on your sitch.

First, congratulations on getting to spend today with your W. Remember what I said the other night about letting her initiate the first date. Looks like she did it and it at least you got to know she actually wanted you there. Very nice. I also think you did a nice job of setting it up. I know you feel like you are not DB'ing "by the book" right now, but remember that ever case is different and you are going to have to play this by ear going forward. None the less, I think you did very well and I am very glad to call you a BITS!

Frankly, man, I would say the best thing you can do is keep it up. Keep using the "squirrel analogy." Look how far you have brought her along.

As for wanting to talk, well, be ready for that one. It could be good, it could be bad. My W contacted me three weeks ago because "she wanted to talk." It turns out she just wanted to reaffirm to me that we are through and that she wanted furniture. I guess all I can tell you is prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

But, I do like where you are going. You seem to have your mind in a good place right now and your plan is working. Remember, I am watching you to formulate my own plan...

Keep it up. We may very soon have another BITS victory under our belt!!!

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[FellOnBlackDays]

Oh, almost forgot... True Grit was pretty good, but not the best Cohen Brothers film by any stretch. This movie barely touched No Country For Old Men. I would say go see it and make your own opinion. Jeff Bridges did a fabulous job. All in all, I would give it three stars.

Geez, you punch one fence and you get a label around here!!
For the record, I spent the entire weekend sober and I only punched a couch cushion when Roethlisberger threw that idiotic pick!! In all honesty, I don't mind you guys giving me sh*t about that stupid behavior on my part. It will make me think twice next time!

FOBD