I'm moving from Newcomers to MLC, as I think this fits my H. You all seem to have a lot of experience to share, and I hope you will.
My husband moved out the week before Thanksgiving, while I was at work. We've been married 26 years. We've cycled through closeness and distance from my H through the years, somewhat affected by H's EA many years ago. Since the downward spiral of the economy, he had to change jobs, we've moved, D moved home from college and S left for college. I toyed several times over the last 10 years with being a WAW. In June he told me he was considering D but I convinced him to stay. He refused MC. In November he moved into a rental that he's kept vacant since October 1. He appears to have started a new EA with a coworker in mid October.
Initially I kept in contact with him, but in since the holidays we've only made contact once a week, recently initiated by him. I don't know which way to jump.
I think I want to R this M, but I'm confused and wondering if there is any hope. I've done a lot of reading here, so I know that if this is MLC I'm probably in for a long haul.
I'm looking for advice. My initial thread was "Where to start?" in Newcomers.
As a WAH once, from my experience and my point of view, when I walked away I did not initiate any contact at all.
From my point of view MLC can be summed up simply with confusion. It affects them and infects you. I see a spouse who keeps in contact beyond the basic kids or money as being conflicted in what they want.
And while it does sukc for you, it also provides opportunities.
As a new poster, there is going to be a delay in the time between when you write a post and when it actually gets posted here. That's just the way it is right now, so please bear with it. And while I am normally not on during the weekends I'll be checking to keep the posts up and current.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Initially H said he wasn't completely closing the door on R, and contacts were initiated both ways. We met for breakfast and dinner, and had a little R talk - this was prior to me finding DR. Since the holidays, contacts have mostly been initiated by me due to financial questions.
I thought he was MLC due to his childhood and other circumstances. His father was quite demanding of his children, and all of them felt they didn't measure up in some respect. They all suffer from low self-esteem. H and his sister both have told me they don't have long term friends. I feel my H has established several friendships in the past (male and female) because they made him felt needed.
Is the initiating contact issue the only determining factor on MLCer v WAH? Does MLCer or WAH determine how I should be responding?
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
Is the initiating contact issue the only determining factor on MLCer v WAH?
No not at all. You're going to have alot of information about your husband, and use it to do your best to figure it out. One of the potential problems of the MLC forums is when everything else seems lost, MLC becomes this last hope, last stop. Which isn't too bad, as long as the LBS continues to gorw, and work on themselves. Like many things clarity comes with time and experience.
Quote:
Does MLCer or WAH determine how I should be responding?
Yes in some aspects. Boundaries, not until they come out of thier Crisis if you want a chance of the boundary to work. A WAH spouse might respond well to changes they wanted you to make, the MLCer will likely not even recognize them for a long while.
No in others, except that more time and patience are required.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
If you believe that a mLC (Life Crisis) is a irrational state of mind, where there used to be a rational or logical one, and that boundaries are a set of logical rules with logical consequences, then yes Cadet.
Expecting an irrational person to follow the rules, isn't a reasonable expectation. Should they? Yeah. Will they? Not likely.
You can establish all the boundaries you want. In fact you need several in a healthy relationship, but until a person who is in mLC comes out of it?
The LBSer is the one that has to live with the consequence they themsleves established when the mLCer doesn't live up to those boundaries.
The goal if you believe in mLC is to outlast their crisis to get to a place where you both can work on rebuilding all the damage that was done.
You sacrifice alot to get there, hopefully grow as a person during that time.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Boundaries, not until they come out of thier Crisis if you want a chance of the boundary to work.
So wouldn't you say Jack that we can have NO EXPECTATIONS of the boundaries working, not that we can't have boundaries.
Or did I misread what you wrote?
Whoa. Boundaries working??? Boundaries are for the LBS. They "work" if you set them properly and sparingly and enforce accordingly. Since you should only be setting boundaries to protect your own mental health etc, they will work if you make them. They are not to manipulate, coerce, force or control anyone else, ie your MLCer, into doing something. If you are setting boundaries with an expectation that someone else's behaviour is going to change as a result then you are off on the wrong foot IMO.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
A while back we were discussing WAS and MLC and I wrote out how I see it ... I'm including a link to my thread so you can have a read through if you like ... it's the second post on the first page.
PEI, I've read most of your sitch, and it sounds very similar to mine. But I guess they all are, that's why we are here.
He's WAH, but I know the childhood issues are there for MLC. He's also known for not finishing projects, even those having to do with his business, and I truly think he is depressed and has been for quite awhile.
I've been doing the reading from PEI and Cadet. I'm wondering if I need to start over as far as goals, etc. I'm feeling quite abandoned right now, with my house not done and H not wanting to contribute financially. Some days I let the ow really affect my self esteem. And the last hour I've been hosting a pity party for myself.
Now I'm out the door with the lab to romp in the snow and wonder at God's creations. I've got to remember that my kids and I are also His creations, and He will see us through.
Thanks to everyone. I have a lot questions to post.
