Someone suggest H is having a MLC....I don't know?

[handlingplanb]

Your best IS all you can do. You have a lot of anger, and yes it is warranted. I understand. I understand the betrayal. I understand the pain. I understand just how UNFAIR this is. I wish I didn't, but I do.

I didn't see this as a time for me until 2 years after my H had moved out, and to this day I catch myself feeling like a victim - but only briefly. There are no guarantees in life, and as I was forced to learn, in marriage. I had many, many DB'ers tell me this was MY time. I had a few tell me how LUCKY I am to be able to learn who I am and find what makes me happy. How dare them! When I first got here I did not feel lucky, and I sure as he## was not HAPPY. It comes with time. I hope it comes to you faster than it did for me. I wouldn't wish the slow-train on my worst enemy.

I have 3 beautiful, perfect children. I have YEARS of good memories. I am gaining peace in reflecting on the GOOD that happened because of my marriage. My H can't take that away. In the beginning I let him tarnish my memories. I let him make me believe that my whole life was a lie. When I first came here (with a different screen name) I was in a very bad place emotionally. It got worse. It got better. It got BAD. It's now getting better. It's called healing. It's a process that we all must go through - because we MUST.

I will not tell you how lucky you are. I will not tell you that you should be happy now. I will suggest that you do not make ANY decisions until everything is sorted out in your head. Do not make decisions or choices that are fueled by your anger.

You are in a good place, here on these boards, and there will be many people here willing to help you through - many that have taken this journey and are farther down the road than I am. It's not a matter of time. It is what is within you. Part of the journey is learning what that is and what you will do with it.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Your best IS all you can do. You have a lot of anger, and yes it is warranted. I understand. I understand the betrayal. I understand the pain. I understand just how UNFAIR this is. I wish I didn't, but I do.


I didn't see this as a time for me until 2 years after my H had moved out, and to this day I catch myself feeling like a victim - but only briefly. There are no guarantees in life, and as I was forced to learn, in marriage. I had many, many DB'ers tell me this was MY time. I had a few tell me how LUCKY I am to be able to learn who I am and find what makes me happy. How dare them! When I first got here I did not feel lucky, and I sure as he## was not HAPPY. It comes with time. I hope it comes to you faster than it did for me. I wouldn't wish the slow-train on my worst enemy.

I have 3 beautiful, perfect children. I have YEARS of good memories. I am gaining peace in reflecting on the GOOD that happened because of my marriage. My H can't take that away. In the beginning I let him tarnish my memories. I let him make me believe that my whole life was a lie. When I first came here (with a different screen name) I was in a very bad place emotionally. It got worse. It got better. It got BAD. It's now getting better. It's called healing. It's a process that we all must go through - because we MUST.

At this point I am where you were. I don't remember much, I think I'm not remembering because it would bring more pain to me, or it's the chronic sleep deprivation.

I feel my married life has been based upon lies from the start. It appears H saw our vows as just words, he didn't mean them or intend to honor them. He married me because it was easy and provided him benefit. As he got older and I got older and became a mother, and we both underwent the normal changes expected with aging, it was just not what he thought he signed up for, it took things from him ( time, money,energy) so he took the easy road again by leaving.



I will not tell you how lucky you are. I will not tell you that you should be happy now. I will suggest that you do not make ANY decisions until everything is sorted out in your head. Do not make decisions or choices that are fueled by your anger.

Oh I'm trying not to. I am working on detachment, I am meditating daily as I can . I have affirmations posted on every mirror in the household. I wish I had my DB counselor in my pocket to consult every time a situation comes up!

You are in a good place, here on these boards, and there will be many people here willing to help you through - many that have taken this journey and are farther down the road than I am. It's not a matter of time. It is what is within you. Part of the journey is learning what that is and what you will do with it.

I'm tired of this journey as you call it. Just so tired, and I know that if I decide to D it's still not over. If I find someone else, that will just complicate matters all around. I KNOW this in my brain and in my heart.

I'm still going to have to deal with the entanglements with H that having a family creates. I once told him that...for all the good it did.

I thank you for your kind and empathetic response. It's nice to be heard and understood.

[HeartsBlessing]

SC,

I'd read this entire thread; and my heart really goes out to you; and from reading your signature; you're VERY early in this; although you've said that it started about 10 years ago.

Breathe, lady; you're gonna make it through this; the advice you've gotten is sound.

I saw one thing I'd like to address..honey, what he's going through is NOT your fault; you didn't "cause" this; nor can you fix it.

It wouldn't have mattered if you'd done everything in a "perfect" way, it STILL would have happened. This has everything to do with him; and actually NOTHING to do with you.

His spewing; and hurtful complaints are just that, although there are always GRAINS of truth within what they say.

Please don't take it personally, he really is speaking from his pain within...and I know it's hard to take; I was there, too.

You could fix everything as it came up; but he would find something else to complain about...so the changes/journey is for YOU, not him.

When his MLC happened to me; I was destroyed; and I didn't understand at first; people were telling me I had a journey to take for myself; and the first question I asked was "Why do I have to make changes,when it was HIM that did wrong?"

The answer was that change must first begin within you...as you are the only one you can control.

I didn't "get it" until three months after I was bombed; actually I was bombed twice..once when I discovered he was viewing porn, twice when I discovered his affair less than a month later.

I was angry; fussed back at the people who seemed to be "telling" me what to do; and I came very close to filing for a divorce...I just wasn't "getting it"...but it took time for it to hit home with me.

God intervened at that time; and sent someone to convince me to hang in there...I saw many things ahead, but did NOT see it all...I could only focus on one day at a time..working on myself was a full time job...and most of that time; though my husband never moved out; I could have been a fly on the wall or dirt on the floor as far as he was concerned.

It didn't matter to me; I detached; and worked on me, ANYWAY; knowing this was for my greater good.

We went through a 3 year crisis, initially; THEN, when I thought it was all over and done with; less than 2 years later; a final issue within my husband came up...keeping us in for six years.

During that time I endured a Mid Life Transition triggered by his crisis....but I still had to deal from time to time.

I had learned my lessons in the first round; but they weren't working on him like they had before.

The Lord intervened early last year; and my husband broke his ankle..which was the catalyst that brought him out for a second time. This time was right; and he's been finished as of nearly a week ago.

So, for me that makes a little over 11 years that I've dealt with this.

There are things you talk about in your situation that I've never dealt with; but my heart goes out to you, anyway; as this is very painful for you.

I HAVE however dealt with wanting to quit nearly every day; as the trial got even harder in the second half than it was in the first half. I carried a burden that was meant for two for some time; and I even broke up a EA(he'd had a EA that went to a PA in the initial crisis).

Yet, God in His Mercy and understanding gave me the necessary strength I needed to deal each and every day; with a Mid Life transition; a rebellious child that was masquerading as my husband; a full time job..and a few other things.

God NEVER puts anymore of you than you can bear; I can attest to that.

I lost a great deal, but gained that much more out of I went through.

No one can tell you what to do or how to do it; all the advice in the world can be given, but the end result is truly up to YOU.

The journey within is a painful one; one that shows you many truths about yourself; and when you think you've uncovered all there is; there will be ONE more issue to look at and try to settle and heal from.

You're torn betwixt and between at this time; I, too, walked in those shoes at one time; but there came a time when I walked forward; but that was on MY time; not anyone else's.

You know certain things are out of your hands; but you're still beating yourself up for the mistakes you made beforehand; please, understand that you're human, and therefore not perfect..no one is.

Be kind to yourself as you continue to walk your journey..you're very fragile right now...and see no end to this at the moment.

The pain is deep within you; and you see no way of soothing it.

This will not last within you, as I see a VERY strong and independent woman; and she will emerge victorious, with or without her marriage.

In fact, you remind me of ME so long ago...and you WILL come through; though it doesn't look like it right now...I know you'll come through.

I realize your husband's perception of you is skewed for right now; and I know there are no guarantees that he will change back in the future, no one knows what will happen ahead; but keep working on yourself..it is for your greater good; and the rewards are worth the journey.

You'll be fine, no matter what happens in the future; simply let go and let God work within the situation; He is the only one who knows what is ahead.

Love,
HB

[Queen_of_Swords]

I want to thank you all for your interest, input, and kind responses.
I need to read and re-read and contemplate what you've written for a while.

I'm a good emotional space today. Last night I seem to have experienced an internal shifting of my perspective and thinking.

Re-reading the whole thread today, I'm seeing what you've all written a little more clearly and with a little more emotional distance. I'm seeing the big picture a bit better instead of bumping my nose up against the canvas.

Some interesting changes too last evening...
H. came to pick up the kids and he wanted to talk to me about our kids. Now ordinarily when he stops by I offer him tea, a small snack and a seat at the kitchen table as I do everyone that comes to my home. He usually refuses.
This time I didn't offer and he asked me instead. Now, ordinarily he gets out of our home as fast as he can, saying the traffic is awful and he needs to leave to beat the rush.
We chatted and he hung around for about an hour and a half.
I went for an interview yesterday so I was dressed for that and looked really good, smelled really good and I was calm and cordial through the visit. I think we had a pleasant talk, nothing about the D or R.
Positive change...maybe. One off? Perhaps. We'll see.

[Queen_of_Swords]

So, H drops off the kids today. Doesn't stick around. I listen with interest to a synopsis of his weekend with the kids at the outer door, he tells me my youngest is running a fever off and onm suggests a modification on some lanyards he got the kids for keys, he kisses the kids and hugs them. I'm standing away against the wall opposite the door. He says goodbye, I wave from my position outside this cozy little group.

For the last two days my mantra has been, " I don't care anymore."
Just turning off and numbing out. I don't know if this is good or not.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journal Entry - Update
H phones to say goodnight to the kids. I chat briefly about the kids and our day and ask a question in regard to business affairs. He says : "Are we going to do what our book keeper and accountant suggest?" ( this would be a formal separation agreement and possibly buying each other out of one of our halves of our business). I said, "I don't know."

We chat a bit more about my youngest son and I then hand over the phone to my son.

I'm not playing his game. He's the one that emailed me that he WANTS a divorce. He can damn well draw up an agreement. I'm done making crucial decisions because he wants to take the path of least resistance and leave me on the hook for the blame if things go wrong.
I refuse to participate in the destruction of my family.

What is it with this guy?

[Queen_of_Swords]

Ok. On occassion I take a look at my horoscope.
Tomorrow's is just too darn funny given my personal situation.

Here it is:
Capricorn Wednesday 2 February 2011
Blessed are they who have no expectations, for they shall not be disappointed.' You have had expectations. You have built up hopes about a particular situation. All has not gone exactly according to plan. Now, inwardly, you feel a little fed up. Be more philosophical. Since when has anyone on this earth been able to have it all their own way? We all suffer setbacks. It is just that some of us smile in the face of adversity, whilst others frown. Smile today. If you keep trying to do what's needed, you'll have success.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Ok, so I just got through another person's conversation with their WAW here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2126254&page=5
I can not tell you the feelings that arose in me. Utter despair for one.
The really funny part is that the WAW expresses how I felt within my own marriage! I was like the furniture, there but not included in his life. Ignored unless I was useful in some way. Is it any wonder I'm confused?
The WAW is ME! I just didn't leave. I accepted that this was marriage and how things were and would be.

I don't know what to do or how to feel anymore. You can't make someone love you if they don't. Those shark eyes of my H's don't give me hope for the future. I noticed today he got mail from the agency that gives that Parenting After Separation Seminar. That doesn't give me hope either. One more step and he can file and be done.

Do I just accept that as far as he's concerned I'm the most awful person on the planet? Be happy I'm not the monkey on his back he feels that I was, and try to forget I ever had him in my life or in my heart?

I don't expect any answers here. It's sure easier to be numb and feel nothing that to keep on dealing with this. At least other people appreciate my friendship unlike this person I am starting to wish I had NEVER met.

[Albuquerque]

Do I just accept that as far as he's concerned I'm the most awful person on the planet?

Yes. You accept that because that is how his brain thinks at times. You must remember that MLC=crazy and their thoughts don't make sense and quite often have no basis in reality. They rewrite the past and truly believe the things they say.

But accepting HE views things that way is not the same thing as accepting it as reality. YOU know the truth. You do not have to be sucked into his warped view of reality. Stay true to yourself.

Be happy I'm not the monkey on his back he feels that I was

If separation from you, at the moment, gives him peace, isn't that a good thing? No, it's not what any of us want. But if we are to truly love someone, we want what's best for THEM, not what's going to make US happy. This is a journey he needs to undertake. It's not fair. It stinks big time. It's painful for us. It rips families apart. It's ugly. But as bad as it is for us, it's worse for them. They just often don't see how bad it is until often times it's too late. We can't fix it. We must let them go in order for them to have any chance to recover. You don't have to be happy about it. None of us are. But sometimes doing the right thing hurts.

try to forget I ever had him in my life or in my heart?

Only you can answer this. But do you choose to rewrite history just like he is doing? Or will you choose to cherish the memories as they truly were. Appreciate the good times you had. We all could have done more. None of us are perfect. But I don't think any of us would want to erase those special times from our hearts.

[Queen_of_Swords]

First I want to thank you for your kindness in responding.

Yes. You accept that because that is how his brain thinks at times. You must remember that MLC=crazy and their thoughts don't make sense and quite often have no basis in reality. They rewrite the past and truly believe the things they say.

I think part of me is already resigned into becoming the horrible/evil ex-wife that he couldn't live with and cannot stand being around.

But accepting HE views things that way is not the same thing as accepting it as reality. YOU know the truth. You do not have to be sucked into his warped view of reality. Stay true to yourself.
It was a two way street. I accept that. I am also coming to realise today that I deserve to be treated a lot better than I was.
Silence is abuse, I don't deserve to be punished with silence and avoidance, and I was.
By God, if you have a problem with me, speak up! Even if we have an argument and there are angry words spoken the air is cleared, apologies can be made and behavioural change made too. That's better than slinking away with your lip zipped and nursing that little demon baby that grows into a big problem named "Resentment".

If separation from you, at the moment, gives him peace, isn't that a good thing? No, it's not what any of us want. But if we are to truly love someone, we want what's best for THEM, not what's going to make US happy. This is a journey he needs to undertake. It's not fair. It stinks big time. It's painful for us. It rips families apart. It's ugly. But as bad as it is for us, it's worse for them. They just often don't see how bad it is until often times it's too late. We can't fix it. We must let them go in order for them to have any chance to recover. You don't have to be happy about it. None of us are. But sometimes doing the right thing hurts.
Right thing? Is there anything that you can do right with an MLC'er?
He's going to get more peace than he ever imagined.
My kids feel abandoned. They're old enough to speak their minds and their feelings. They are in counselling, because of all of this, and he doesn't care. He just doesn't care.

I'm the one that deals with the nightmares, tears, upset stomachs, acting out, the depression, school issues, etc. This hurts my kids, and I'll be honest, there are days I want to smack him silly and hurt him for doing this to them, for perpetuating the same suffering he underwent. I already keep any contact with him to a bare minimum and don't initiate it.


Only you can answer this. But do you choose to rewrite history just like he is doing? Or will you choose to cherish the memories as they truly were. Appreciate the good times you had. We all could have done more. None of us are perfect. But I don't think any of us would want to erase those special times from our hearts.
[/quote]

Right now, the emotional pain is overwriting any happy memories I may have had. Right now, I feel the past is dust, and there is no point in remembering if it only highlights loss, pain and an uncertain future for my kids and me. I can't even look at photographs with him in it.
Right now I feel I never really knew this person. I knew a person with a whole collection of masks he puts on as a situation required.
A person that didn't mean the words spoken on our wedding day, wasn't motivated to keep a promise, and a person I should have never trusted with my heart or body.
I used to feel warm inside when I saw him, I look at him now, and I ask myself " who the H E double hockey sticks is he?"

Appreciate the past. What for? It brings me no joy or warmth.

I have come to a few decisions though.
1) I am going to do nothing to aid him in his quest for a D.
2) I will watch and observe closely his behaviour.
3)I will speak only when spoken to, and the rest of the time keep my mouth shut and hands off. The less I say the better off I am.
4) I will remember he's a stranger now, he doesnt' deserve special consideration
5) I will remember he hates me. He's not my friend. Everything I do or say could be seen as provocation.