Till death do us part... or she leaves...

[Denver_2010]

It sounds like you are well grounded emotionally right now FOBD, so I'm not too worried about you making a major decision until you have thought it out first. That's the danger in acting right after a traumatic event. The event in your case being this past weekend.

I think that the fact your W is trying to push your buttons is actually a good thing. It'd be way better than if she just shut you out on what is going on completely, right?

Again, if I were you, I go back to following LRT for a couple of weeks and see what transpires. I know that it seems like a step back, but it worked for you when she first moved.

BITS!
Denver

[2stepboogie]

FOBD,

Ok buddy let's take a look at this. Now your situation mirrors mine more closely. Welcome to the actual separation part. This part is really going to stink to high heaven! My W did the same thing. She packed she moved and before I knew it she had her own place across the country. All my friends and family have told me to move on and I have known her support group has said the same to her. So why after three months does she call last night cries for an hour and talks for almost six?

If you go back to my post you will see that I mention the fact she always seems so happy and content with everything, like life is going great. BS! This is a front for you and for everyone else including herself. The reality of the situation has not hit her yet.

She has a place. Great! She is excited about making it her own. Awesome! Be excited for her! In front of you she will be smiles and perfectly content. Guess what? She is DBing you! Only difference is you've read the script. Behind that smile and that confidence is a person that is hurting and hurting bad. She will not show herself for sometime but that is ok because that is the time you need to get yourself right, I mean really do it.

Right now she is angry and hurt she is justifying her actions but the bigger the pride the harder the fall. Anger is temporary and so is resentment, the question is will you be there when the smoke clears? At some point she will start to look at herself and slowly she will begin to realize her contribution to the break down. This is growth. You are ahead of her in that regard you have taken time to learn to read and to own up to your mistakes. The emotions your feeling, guess what, those emotions she went through while she was sitting next to you, but you never saw them till it was too late. So in the emotional race she is winning.....way ahead of you. You will catch up; and when you do she will have hit quick sand because she has started to take stock in the separation.

Now begins the healing process. This will take time and it will be painful talk to us often this is when we need each other the most. I fight anger all the time but it is ok to feel it just don't let it define your actions. "He who angers you conquers you" a quote from my W FB account lol.

Remember you are in the chess game of your life and you don't want to throw 15yrs of your life away and neither will she but that will come with time. Distance and Time are actually your friends here not your enemy. MY DB coach told me that. I thought she was crazy until last night. As for the MC, I kind of like the guy I am not saying I agree with everything but he is pretty brutal, just my style.

If you W seem happy, be happier. If she calls and tell you about how great the apartment is coming then congratulate her on a job well done. Mean it! Don’t fake it. I know it’s hard but if you truly love this woman root for her success because at the same time you are healing yourself and becoming the person you need to be.

As for the DB coach I am working with Jody and I love her! Just call the number on the website and they will set you up. Stay away from Thursday at 9AM central it’s taken LOL.

We all have chances to make it here some of us will and some of us won’t but we all have a chance. Don’t rush the D if you don’t want to. When you talk to her be NICE! Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

We are here for you and each other and through god’s grace and some hard work we can make it out the other side with our W or without, but we will always be better people for what we have learned.

[lostinscared]

You know what? I think it’s ok to be a little bit angry about this right now. I agree it’s a bit crappy to think that decorating your apt. is more important than dealing with GM situation especially if she claims to be so worried about it. I do think you handled it very well. Remember, though, FOBD, it’s all about her right now in her mind, so she’s not going to be logical in her interactions with you. Just isn’t going to happen and don’t expect it.

Yup, like 2Step said, she’s pushing your buttons. Don’t let them be pushed. In my experience, the button pushing stage gets pretty intense. Refer to Wanda where her H is really being a jerk. He took her one and only shovel for goodness sake! It’s also about time that you do some redecorating of your own! This was suggested before and it’s time to hightail it! I’m thinking man cave. I wish we were all there because we would all love to help you on this project!

Ok, some really important things to highlight here like 2Step said. She was happy for awhile when she moved to her first place. Then, that didn’t pan out for her. Now, she’s on place #2 and this is definitely going to be the change she is looking for right??? Ummmm… wrong. That probably won’t pan out either. These WAS’s are looking for something, but most of them don’t have a single clue what and tend to attribute their issues to the wrong things and therefore cure their issues with the wrong things. She wasn’t happy, ok, that’s fine. Don’t you find it strange, though, that she chooses someone so far away to carry on an EA with? I mean if she was serious, wouldn’t she choose someone closer??? And she’s being a jerk because she’s got some confidence about her. Badly placed confidence, though, and that will also come crashing down around her. Listen, it’s tough out there and when the knocks start coming for her (and they will), what is she going to do then? You have an advantage in this situation, you have KNOWLEDGE. I’m willing to bet that she has no idea what is coming next in this process. She is in reaction mode full speed. That is why 2Step is really stressing that you stay out of reaction mode completely.

Your C – yes, I am very concerned about his advice. Sorry, I’m in the minority here and have been a couple of times in regards to reactions to your C’s advice. You have a goal here and I just think you should be supported in that goal because it is a good one. If you wanted to jump off a bridge, then no, I don’t think you should be supported on that. But you want to save your marriage and that’s an excellent goal. And I know he thinks and you think he’s just trying to protect you. But at the end of the day, I don’t think he is. I just have a real hard time with the advice to escalate things when it is your goal to calm them down. It just doesn’t make sense. And I understand what you said about liability, but you had those liabilities in your marriage?? You took that responsibility when you said, “I do.” Now, if she gets out of hand, then it’s time to reevaluate. I get it. But, I don’t think you’re there. So I would do anything possible not to escalate. Time is on your side right now and I would take full advantage of that. She doesn’t want to hand those rings back for a reason. Don’t force her hand by filing before you are ready to end it.

Now, I am really sorry that you had a bad day and you broke down. (((hugs))) All of this is to be expected so don’t put pressure on yourself to feel any other way than how you are feeling. That just prolongs the pain. Just allow yourself to feel it. We are all here for you to listen so keep talking. You may not always believe this, but you are DOING GREAT. You have taught me a few things so I know you know what to do here. I know you know what to expect. Keep working the program, be patient and wait. As I am always being told, change yourself and your W will have to change.

I pray for your peace constantly. Take care of yourself!

LIS

[Lostinlife]

FOBD,

Ok buddy let's take a look at this. Now your situation mirrors mine more closely. Welcome to the actual separation part. This part is really going to stink to high heaven! My W did the same thing. She packed she moved and before I knew it she had her own place across the country. All my friends and family have told me to move on and I have known her support group has said the same to her. So why after three months does she call last night cries for an hour and talks for almost six?

If you go back to my post you will see that I mention the fact she always seems so happy and content with everything, like life is going great. BS! This is a front for you and for everyone else including herself. The reality of the situation has not hit her yet.

She has a place. Great! She is excited about making it her own. Awesome! Be excited for her! In front of you she will be smiles and perfectly content. Guess what? She is DBing you! Only difference is you've read the script. Behind that smile and that confidence is a person that is hurting and hurting bad. She will not show herself for sometime but that is ok because that is the time you need to get yourself right, I mean really do it.

Right now she is angry and hurt she is justifying her actions but the bigger the pride the harder the fall. Anger is temporary and so is resentment, the question is will you be there when the smoke clears? At some point she will start to look at herself and slowly she will begin to realize her contribution to the break down. This is growth. You are ahead of her in that regard you have taken time to learn to read and to own up to your mistakes. The emotions your feeling, guess what, those emotions she went through while she was sitting next to you, but you never saw them till it was too late. So in the emotional race she is winning.....way ahead of you. You will catch up; and when you do she will have hit quick sand because she has started to take stock in the separation.

Now begins the healing process. This will take time and it will be painful talk to us often this is when we need each other the most. I fight anger all the time but it is ok to feel it just don't let it define your actions. "He who angers you conquers you" a quote from my W FB account lol.

Remember you are in the chess game of your life and you don't want to throw 15yrs of your life away and neither will she but that will come with time. Distance and Time are actually your friends here not your enemy. MY DB coach told me that. I thought she was crazy until last night. As for the MC, I kind of like the guy I am not saying I agree with everything but he is pretty brutal, just my style.

If you W seem happy, be happier. If she calls and tell you about how great the apartment is coming then congratulate her on a job well done. Mean it! Don’t fake it. I know it’s hard but if you truly love this woman root for her success because at the same time you are healing yourself and becoming the person you need to be.

As for the DB coach I am working with Jody and I love her! Just call the number on the website and they will set you up. Stay away from Thursday at 9AM central it’s taken LOL.

We all have chances to make it here some of us will and some of us won’t but we all have a chance. Don’t rush the D if you don’t want to. When you talk to her be NICE! Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

We are here for you and each other and through god’s grace and some hard work we can make it out the other side with our W or without, but we will always be better people for what we have learned.

Great post!

[ironMan]

FOBD .... I'm waiting for W to actually move out. She's sleeping downstairs now .. I a;most look forward to her leaving so I have a schedule and can just go out with buddies when I don't have D.

Hang in there man. We're here with you. You're going to be fine. She's enjoying her life ... or at least she thinks she is. So, enjoy yours. I think the WAW believe that our happiness depends on them. Let's prove to them (and to us) that it doesn't. They weren't the cake .... they were the sprinkles.

[zengypsy]

Ok, some really important things to highlight here like 2Step said. She was happy for awhile when she moved to her first place. Then, that didn’t pan out for her. Now, she’s on place #2 and this is definitely going to be the change she is looking for right??? Ummmm… wrong. That probably won’t pan out either. These WAS’s are looking for something, but most of them don’t have a single clue what and tend to attribute their issues to the wrong things and therefore cure their issues with the wrong things. She wasn’t happy, ok, that’s fine. Don’t you find it strange, though, that she chooses someone so far away to carry on an EA with? I mean if she was serious, wouldn’t she choose someone closer??? And she’s being a jerk because she’s got some confidence about her. Badly placed confidence, though, and that will also come crashing down around her. Listen, it’s tough out there and when the knocks start coming for her (and they will), what is she going to do then? You have an advantage in this situation, you have KNOWLEDGE. I’m willing to bet that she has no idea what is coming next in this process. She is in reaction mode full speed. That is why 2Step is really stressing that you stay out of reaction mode completely.

Now, I am really sorry that you had a bad day and you broke down. (((hugs))) All of this is to be expected so don’t put pressure on yourself to feel any other way than how you are feeling. That just prolongs the pain. Just allow yourself to feel it. We are all here for you to listen so keep talking. You may not always believe this, but you are DOING GREAT. You have taught me a few things so I know you know what to do here. I know you know what to expect. Keep working the program, be patient and wait. As I am always being told, change yourself and your W will have to change.

I can totally relate to this part of the thread. My H is now living in his third place since he moved out last Feb. Not sure why because same thing like 2Step said, my H said he loved his apt and that he signed a years lease. Because it was in NYC, everything was close in proximity to what he needed. Now he moved to North Arlington, NJ. And THIS change is going to be the answer?? Well, we all who have been here know the answer. Like you say LOS and 2Step...These WAS’s are looking for something, but most of them don’t have a single clue what and tend to attribute their issues to the wrong things and therefore cure their issues with the wrong things. Where IS this Utopia they are looking for? As I said, their problems are portable, affairs/new realtionships are transient.

WE are stronger because we've acknowledged our part in the downward spiral. WE have looked for tools to help us because we no longer wanted to feel this way anymore. WE chose to not be quitters and fight not only for our marriages but for ourselves. WE understand that it is so much easier to walk away and to what? Unless they come to a place where they start dealing with their own issues, they are just going to keep running and miss out on many things on many levels.

We are a united front. Keep up YOUR changes. YOU have worked very hard to get where are. You are getting stronger every day and your WAS stays weak.

We all have some great support here and words of wisdom. Let's keep it going!

Wishing you a better w/e.

ZG

[zengypsy]

FOBD,

Ok buddy let's take a look at this. Now your situation mirrors mine more closely. Welcome to the actual separation part. This part is really going to stink to high heaven! My W did the same thing. She packed she moved and before I knew it she had her own place across the country. All my friends and family have told me to move on and I have known her support group has said the same to her. So why after three months does she call last night cries for an hour and talks for almost six?

If you go back to my post you will see that I mention the fact she always seems so happy and content with everything, like life is going great. BS! This is a front for you and for everyone else including herself. The reality of the situation has not hit her yet.

She has a place. Great! She is excited about making it her own. Awesome! Be excited for her! In front of you she will be smiles and perfectly content. Guess what? She is DBing you! Only difference is you've read the script. Behind that smile and that confidence is a person that is hurting and hurting bad. She will not show herself for sometime but that is ok because that is the time you need to get yourself right, I mean really do it.

Right now she is angry and hurt she is justifying her actions but the bigger the pride the harder the fall. Anger is temporary and so is resentment, the question is will you be there when the smoke clears? At some point she will start to look at herself and slowly she will begin to realize her contribution to the break down. This is growth. You are ahead of her in that regard you have taken time to learn to read and to own up to your mistakes. The emotions your feeling, guess what, those emotions she went through while she was sitting next to you, but you never saw them till it was too late. So in the emotional race she is winning.....way ahead of you. You will catch up; and when you do she will have hit quick sand because she has started to take stock in the separation.

Now begins the healing process. This will take time and it will be painful talk to us often this is when we need each other the most. I fight anger all the time but it is ok to feel it just don't let it define your actions. "He who angers you conquers you" a quote from my W FB account lol.

Remember you are in the chess game of your life and you don't want to throw 15yrs of your life away and neither will she but that will come with time. Distance and Time are actually your friends here not your enemy. MY DB coach told me that. I thought she was crazy until last night. As for the MC, I kind of like the guy I am not saying I agree with everything but he is pretty brutal, just my style.

If you W seem happy, be happier. If she calls and tell you about how great the apartment is coming then congratulate her on a job well done. Mean it! Don’t fake it. I know it’s hard but if you truly love this woman root for her success because at the same time you are healing yourself and becoming the person you need to be.

As for the DB coach I am working with Jody and I love her! Just call the number on the website and they will set you up. Stay away from Thursday at 9AM central it’s taken LOL.

We all have chances to make it here some of us will and some of us won’t but we all have a chance. Don’t rush the D if you don’t want to. When you talk to her be NICE! Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

We are here for you and each other and through god’s grace and some hard work we can make it out the other side with our W or without, but we will always be better people for what we have learned.

Great post!

I whole heartedly agree!

[dbmod]

Just call the number

303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435


Then you will know you are getting expert advice, specific to your situation.

Hang in there, FOBD.

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS,
I want you guys to know that I am sitting here with a lump in my throat and it is not for the reason you would expect. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel right now for the posts and friendship that has come my way here. I am getting choked up reading your replies. All of them!!! 2step and Lostnscared, your post were some of the most insightful words I have ever read on here. The hair on the back of my neck is standing up right now. I simply cannot find the words to thank each of you. I want each of you to know that I will go to bed tonight with a new outlook on tomorrow. You guys are absolutely amazing!

I promise I won't let her push me anymore. I know that is what she is doing. She is trying really hard to get me to be who I used to be. Emotional, irrational, angry, argumentative. But I will not give it to her. OMG, I never thought about the EA in that frame of mind. Lost, you have some nice insight there. If she wanted to cheat, she could have done it right here in our town. Why didn't I think of that?

As for my C, I am going to stay with him for now and I am going to explain why. Although he has the bargaining skills of an angry pitbull, he makes me think. I will begin to take any advice he gives me regarding my M with a grain of salt. But, I have to admit I really like the other advice he gives me. Much of what he has told me to do in my life outside of my M has worked as he promised. So, for now, I am going to stay with him and come here for my M advice!

I do appreciate the concern and I want you guys to know that I had a really good day today. I actually woke up before the alarm today, the water temp in my shower this morning was just right, I ate a nice breakfast, I had a good day with some of my clients, I opened up two new leads for my business, there was no traffic on the way home tonight and I had one of the best days ever in the gym tonight. I set a new personal best for myself on a couple of exercises. On the way out of the gym, I noticed the weather was beautiful. As I have indicated before, I live in a Gulf Coast state and it was around 60 tonight when I stepped out into the parking lot. It was cool with no clouds and no humidity. I smiled. It reminded me of nights when my W and I would go to a little place around the corner from our home and eat dinner in the courtyard. But instead of crying or getting down, I simply smiled and told myself, "You are going to be all right. You are going to make it. You will find a way. You always do, buddy." I drove to the local market, picked up some nice fresh vegetables and a roasted chicken. I made myself a nice dinner, enjoyed an imported beer and came here to be with my friends. Yes, today was a good day!

Team, you have inspired me. So tonight I am going to sit here and pay it forward by checking on you guys and trying to return the favor. I hope I can bring the same joy to your evening that you have brought to mine.

Just to let you know, she wants to come over tomorrow for some other items. I will unfortunately have to see her. Funny, two weeks ago I would have stepped over a fallen elderly person to be in the same room with her. Now, I kind of dread seeing her. Oh well. I promise I will DB my *ss off. I have to as I don't want to let you guys down.

Sunday, unfortunately, will be a different situation. That is the day I have to tell my grandmother that she won't be getting that grandchild she wants any time soon...

I want to finish with these lyrics from a Dido song I heard today. I find them inspirational:

"And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be"

BITS never walk alone!

Your friend,

FOBD

[zengypsy]

FOBD....now you've left ME all verklempt!

I feel the same as you. I don't know where I'd be today with all the support I've gotten from this fabulous forum family.

Love the lyrics in the Dido song. How fitting!

Cheers to you FOBD. Thanks for putting a smile on my face tonight after having a not so good day.