I have to start at the very beginning for anything to make sense. This is long and I’m sorry.
My H and I married less than three months after our blind date. We had a whirlwind romance and I never and still don’t question that it was right for us. Three weeks into our marriage, I knew I was pregnant. This was a miracle! I had been told that because of my endometriosis and a battle with anorexia in my late teens that I would never be able to have children. H is the oldest of three boys, so his mother was thrilled when we found out that I was having a girl. She was obsessed with her almost immediately. I was a tad bit alarmed but not concerned yet.
Nine months later, I was pregnant again. My MIL was getting stranger and stranger with my daughter.
Things were relatively smooth until my daughter was almost 3 and her sister was 18 mths. My H was traveling with work constantly. Oldest daughter was really struggling to potty train and I couldn’t figure out why. I finally sat her down and told her to tell me why she wouldn’t try. She kept touching her privates and saying her grandmother’s name. Huh? She finally took a baby doll and put her mouth on the baby’s genital area. I was sitting on the floor with her and the earth shifted. This was me all over again, not as bad as what I survived, but bad enough. I dreaded having to tell my H. She was completely potty trained the next day and never wore a diaper again.
There was a surreal calm at first. We sat his parents down and confronted her. She cried and cried. “I never did anything to hurt her.” We took our daughter to a counselor that was just all wrong and things were just crazy weird for a long time. H fully believed our daughter but this was so hard for him. It was painful. I finally found a sane counselor for her. My MIL was not allowed around her. FIL was allowed to see the kids whenever he wanted but chose not to. FIL called everyone in my H’s family and told them that I was a liar, witch, evil and that I had coached my daughter to make up this lie about MIL. Contact with H’s family was sparse and uncomfortable from that moment on. It was hard for me to understand why he would talk to them at all. I hated what happened to my baby and I hated what was being said about me. In the same breath, my MIL was the victim of a head-on collision in 1969. Her brain injury was quite severe and according to all the family, she was never the same. Today, it’s commonly accepted that frontal lobe injury can cause the type of behavior towards my daughter that she had. Not an excuse, but maybe a reason.
We clung to each other. We healed. Our daughter healed. We welcomed a son in 1998. I had three babies under the age of 4. Life was full and busy. H traveled and worked his tail off. I stayed home and raised the kids. I was involved at church with being an events coordinator, singer in a praise and worship band, leading women’s bible studies and H and I led a house church. FIL still refused to see them if MIL wasn’t allowed to. My husband could never talk about the situation with his mother and our daughter. It was a time bomb and I’ve always known it.
In the meantime, we were always passionately in love. No matter how hard the struggles with his parents, we loved each other and were best friends. We’ve always had an amazing sex life. Daily I was told that I was amazing, stunning, beautiful and sexy. He’d come home from work and kiss my neck and tell me I was a sight for sore eyes. It didn’t matter what I looked like or if I had make-up on. He always made me feel like I was the center of his universe. Our kids even commented that they didn’t know any other parents who loved each other as much as we did. We would go to parties or get together’s and catch each other’s eye from across the room. We’d never even have to say a word or touch each other and someone would make the comment-get a room!
In the fall of 2006 we moved into our dream home. We built the house on an acre of land and settled into our new house and life. All hell broke loose almost immediately. H went overseas for a few months for work. My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer in January 2007. She passed away 12 days after diagnosis. H made it home the night before her funeral. Something seemed off. In my grief over my grandmother’s death and relief that he was home, I didn’t think much of it. I figured that he was sad he didn’t get to see her before she passed. We adopted my middle daughter’s best friend in the fall.
My SIL was my best friend. She is the reason I came out of what happened to my daughter sane and whole. She listened daily until I was ok. In the summer of ’07 her marriage to my BIL fell apart. It really did seem like she just woke up one day and didn’t want to be married any more. It was a very stressful time. Trying to balance between the love of my best friend and my BIL was difficult, to say the least. My H was freaking out and acting so paranoid. He kept saying that divorces were catching and that he was scared that I would want one too.
In the winter of ’08 I was having some slight female issues. I went to the doc and he suggested we run a full work up and include STD’s, which I thought was odd. I was walking through the bathroom and jokingly said, over my shoulder, “there better not be anything on that test.” I went to turn around and slammed into my husband’s chest. He was sweating and shaking. I just whispered, “what have you done?” He choked out his story. In the winter of ’07 while he was overseas the stress of the job was overwhelming him. The job was going south and the politics were off the charts. He went for a massage. He says he was in this dreamlike state and when he woke up, she was finishing up oral sex on him. He said that he was wearing a condom. He went and got tested while he was overseas. I had a clean bill of health from the doc. H was going to tell me the night before my grandmother's funeral. I'm glad he didn't. It would have killed me. His story has always seemed sketchy but has never changed. If there is more to it, I will never know and have accepted that.
I felt like I had shattered into a million pieces. I didn’t even think something like this could happen to us. I admit that I had some arrogance in regards to our relationship. I honestly did not believe that either would ever step outside of the confines of us. I went a little crazy. I cried constantly. I yelled and then cried some more. I became THAT woman. H came home from work and I was in my robe on the floor of his closet crying and going through receipts trying to figure out what DAY it happened. For some reason this was insanely important to me. I started to come out of my fog about a week later, but I just felt raw, tender and lost. We cried, prayed, ML, yelled and ML some more.
Three weeks later my mom went in for a routine hysterectomy. The hospital didn’t catch that something was very, very wrong and released her to go home. By the weekend, mom was in ICU fighting for her life. Her intestines had been perforated and she had sepsis. She was in the hospital for over 6 months. I am happy to report that she is healthy and well today.
Now enter crazyville. Same time my mom gets out of the hospital my sister, who lives down the street goes completely off the deep end. She lets her daughter, 14, start seeing a boy that is just all wrong. Something was just so OFF. I am starting to become not just alarmed, but freaked out. Right after Christmas, I am able to confirm that my sister is having an affair with her daughter’s boyfriend. I am appalled, shocked and disgusted. Her behavior was narcissistic and horrifying. The following February someone called the police. All the kids at school knew what was happening. We live in a small town and everyone knew what was going on. She went places with him, dinner, the mall, movies. I tried so hard to save her. I begged and pleaded for her to please wake up and see what she was doing. It was like talking to an alien. Yet, when the police where called she blamed me for everyone finding out. I was devastated. The police called me and told me someone told them about my sister. They wanted to interview me. I cried throughout the entire conversation. My H and dad got into a fist fight with each other bc my dad wanted me to lie for my sister. Nothing ever happened with the law bc the age of consent in my state is 17 and my sister isn’t a teacher. She destroyed her family. All of us. I couldn’t save her and had to let her go.
We got a call from the FIL that April. He was sick and in the hospital in Ohio. It’s bad. End stage pancreatic cancer. We pile in the car and make the long trip to bring him home to our house until he passes. MIL stays behind to finally undergo brain surgery bc after all this time she is diagnosed as hydrocephalic from the accident 40 years ago. We finally get home and within days FIL is in the hospital from a near overdose of pain meds and the same weekend my sister is in a massive car accident. Her young lover was driving and she has broken both legs in many different places.
I took my FIL to all of his doc appointments. I cooked for him and cleaned for him. It wasn’t easy, but I know in my heart it was the right thing to do. The bible says to honor thy mother and father. It doesn’t add, unless they are jerks and don’t deserve it.
My FIL passed away that July, a week after our 16th anniversary. My sister moves in with her “boyfriend.”
I was really hoping that now after everything we had been through, that we could get on with our lives. I was so wrong.
A month after my FIL passed my H just started being nasty to me and the kids. It was like he had one reaction to anything he perceived as being wrong and that was full blown ticked off. It could have been a glass falling on the floor or someone driving over his car and the reaction was the same. I begged him to get help and he did. The counselor was a flake. If his only criteria was that she “not look weird” then maybe he would have found someone that had been able to help him. As it was, it seemed like someone poured diesel on an already out of control fire.
All of a sudden everything was my fault. He had no regard for his actions and how they would effect us as a family. He bought a Z06 corvette with a note that is more than most people’s house notes. I was shocked and when I would try to say something about how much money he was spending on his car, I was asked how much money I spent on my pedicure. Crazy much?
Every time I turned around he was angry about something else. The house wasn’t clean enough. I undermined him with the kids. We have too many pets. The yard doesn’t look good enough. He makes all this money, what have I done with it? Umm, it’s in the garage.
Gone are the words I used to hear daily. Gone is how special I have always felt. I tell him that I miss the way he used to talk to me and that I need that from him. Nothing. We fight about everything. If I try to talk to him about R, his response is “why are you doing this to me?” Huh? We get into a huge argument and in my anger I slam the door to the shower. He called me a f****ing c***. He has never spoken to me like this-ever. We get into an argument on the back porch and he kicks the chair I am sitting in so hard that it slides out from underneath me and I fall off the porch. He has yelled at me to STFU in front of my son. I ask him why he is being so damned mean and he tells me that he has been miserable for 17 years and he thinks he doing pretty good with how he is treating me now.
My former SIL and best friend is remarried. She is a completely different person and almost like a stranger to me now.
My MIL moved here while FIL was still alive and is an assisted living facility near by. I take care of getting her meds, pads and diapers. I buy her Christmas presents and birthday gifts to the kids from her and for her from them. I pay for her cell phone bill and anything else she needs. I'm doing my best to do the right thing for everyone. H's two brothers do nothing to help with money or care despite knowing the whole story.
The holidays were filled with pain and insecurity. New Year's Eve we were ML and he was trying to dictate how I was going to enjoy things even though I said that I didn’t prefer that. He got angry. I. Flipped. Out. Got the kids out of bed and told them all to pack a bag. We were leaving. Oldest daughter almost had a nervous breakdown and really became hysterical. She has been through too much in the last few years. On top of having to deal with her own past, she’s been bullied at school whereas, she had been very popular before we moved. I couldn’t do that to my daughter. She was really freaking out. The other kids were ok. I think they are sick of watching this. As much as I have tried to shield them, they have seen some of it and certainly seen the way he talks to me.
He is still here and still says I love you when he gets off the phone with me. He comes home every night and I can find no evidence of an EA/PA. Yes, I have looked and snooped. Which I hate. We’re still having sex on a regular basis. Yeah, sue me. I must be a hussy.
I have cried for a year. I’m done crying. I have gone to this very strange place deep within myself. I’m not talking to him about R any more and haven’t since New Year’s. I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know what I want any more. I have no one to talk to. No one knows what is going on. I can’t go to my parents bc my sister has done so much damage to all of us already.
I have read these forums for two weeks now and all the material for MLC. I have DR and am reading it. I don’t think I have 2-5 years of this left in me. I have just faced too much in the last four years. Things have settled down immensely since New Year’s, but it feels like the eye of the storm. I can’t hang on if this keeps up. My strength is tapped.
I have one foot out the door.
If you have read this much, you are to be commended.
Your story is very heartbreaking but at the same time I hope you know how inspirational it is too. You and your family have been through alot.
Welcome - you've come to the right place. Good friends here and support.
I commend you for getting as much info on MLC as you can. It sounds like the death of your FIL has triggered that mortality issue in your husband that is certainly a sign of MLC. And as much as you want to shake him back to who he was, you can't. He's going to have to get there in his own time and his own way. And be forwarned, it's a MAJOR roller coaster ride.
So what do you do? Start taking care of yourself. Get stronger for yourself and for your children. Do things for yourself. Great start in getting DR. That book is my bible. I have read it at least a dozen times. Maybe you can start therapy or counseling. Not for your marriage, but for yourself. Your H won't want to go anyway.
The MLC'r will blame you for everything. Their whole life has been miserable because of you; you held them back...blah, blah, blah. It's a total head trip because they are so lost that they can't see their contribution to the spiral. Think of your H as spinning tires in the mud. Read the MLC section in DR. It has some real eye opening information.
I will continue to follow your posts. Hang in there and know that we are here for you.
Peace and Hugs, ZG
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
I have just read your story (thank you for your reply on my post :-)) I don't know what to say. Your story brought tears to my eyes. You are a wonderful, wonderful person and you have been through so much, you have shown an enormous amount of strength. Keep your head up high and do try to look after yourself as good as you can. I haven't been here long enough to give you advice but I just wanted to say that I wish you all the best, you deserve it. Just try to take care of yourself. Start with little things and it will get easier. It really works. You have looked after so many people for so many years, now it's time for you. I'm sending you lots of love and hugs.xxx
I've just read your post MsRae. YThank you for your response on my post. You have certainly been through the wash, rinse and spin cycle on high. How you've managed not to fall apart or end up very ill is a testament to your stamina and courage. I wish you all you need to get to where you need to be.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Oh goodness the parallels in our lives are even more profound than I care to expand on right now.
So, with that said, I understand what's next and please forgive me if I offend you. You are on the express route to a nervous breakdown. You need to do whatever you can to get off this train and I mean right NOW.
Ms. Rae, before I say anything further, I want to start with the fact that you are so strong and so brave and there's so much you have done that you really should be commended. I am so deeply sorry about your pain. I wish I could take that away right now.
HOWEVER, you have got to stop right now with what you are doing. You are taking care of family, children and your disrespectful H, that you have COMPLETELY LOST all sense of self. You need to simplify right now. Meaning, what can you cut out? MIL? She's got sons, tell them to get off the a$$es and do something. Children? Well, they have a father too. Tell him to do something. Housework? Let's get everyone involved. Simplify, simplify, simplify. I don't mean to make assumptions about you, but what really bothers me is that you post this thread, then go off and try to take care of everyone else on their threads but you are not here in your own thread trying to get some healing. That's a big problem. And I also fear that this problem led partially to the breakdown going on in your own home. Everyone else is taken care of... where are YOU in all of this? Where are your needs being met?? Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I missed it, but I just don't see it.
What do you want to do? What do you dream about doing? What is preventing you from doing those things? Who do you want to be? And when I ask who you want to be, I don't mean in relation to others (i.e. good wife, good mother, etc.), I mean who do you want to be? (i.e. a carefree, novelist, who sings opera, races cars and is able to build an entire house with only your trusty hammer).
Sweetie, honestly, forget about your M for the moment. Just forget it. Forget trying to figure out if he's in a MLC or if it is going to last 2 years or 10 years. Forget it. You really, really need to find yourself. And that might be the thing that brings your M back or it might not. But if you are a shell of a person with your M, what have you gained anyway? I'm seriously worried. I seriously hope you stay on your thread. I seriously hope that all of us can talk through some things with you.
I am praying for you, dear soul. You need a break.
You're right, I was on the verge of just that. Then I miraculously landed here.
I just had to stop and take a time out.
I was so focused on trying to figure out what was wrong, that I lost myself for a time. I made the situation worse with the constant-what is going on? Why are you so angry? What is happening? Then running interference with the kids-nightmare.
As far as getting help from his brothers...never going to happen. One lives out of state and the other hardly sees his own children. My h isn't even speaking to him.
The kids have been great about helping around the house. In the last 6 weeks they have stepped up to the plate and I am very proud of them. They unload the dishwasher, fold clothes and start laundry. With three teenage daughters the amount of laundry is sometimes overwhelming. It seems like it's a-sexual and has reproduced on it's own overnight!
My husband doesn't help with housework and never has. He doesn't cut the grass, pay bills, take out the trash, clean up after himself-nothing. He has a job, is what I have been told. Which was something that was mildly irritating before and is now just infuriating. It was one thing to put up with before, when I was his whole world, but a whole other ball game when he started acting like a selfish a$$. Hmmm, but he's always been kind of a selfish a$$. It was just easier to swallow before. I worry about the example I am giving my children. In some ways I have allowed him to act like this, in other ways no. Last year I had the great Sock Revolt of 2010. I placed all of his socks in the laundry basket and told him he could match them himself and put them away. They stayed next to his chair on the floor for 5 months. 5 months of griping, complaining and down right rudeness until I spent 30 minutes matching the socks and putting them away. He definitely has an arrogant streak and always has.
I think that since this MLC lulu land funhouse started I have taken ahold of a microscope as well and begun to dissect him too. I have stopped that and am just looking at me. What are my responsibilities for getting us here? What do I need to do to take care of ME again?
I lost my voice and my footing in the last 16 months, but I'm finding it again. I realized right before I found myself here that I wasn't even as connected to the kids any more. They would come in to tell me something and I would uh huh and hmmm. I have amazing kids and a really great relationship with them, but my mind has been so focused on h and what is wrong that I haven't LISTENED to them. Those girls have always told me everything- things I do NOT want to know. (: But I've always been safe. I need to be safe for them again.
What do I want to do? Well, I am building my own business this year. I have painted murals in friends houses and my own kids rooms for many years. I am now focusing on faux finishing and I really love it. I've taken some classes and done some rooms in my own home. I am really excited about it. I have some furniture pieces for sale at a local shop. I just might be able to take care of myself financially, should it come to that!
I've been asked to sing for a local church and I'm going to do that as well. Might lead some Bible studies too. That all feeds my soul which I have not done in a very long time. Three years now. Time for me again.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for replying to my sitch. I obviously needed to get some of this off my chest. I was going to say-I'm ok, thanks honey. Then I just started writing.
I am amazed by this community and the support that I receive. There is so much comfort in just not being alone.
So... painting, business, kids, bible study, furniture, choir... and not necessarily in that order. You have no idea how happy I am to hear these things.
So... what are are your goals for today? What are you doing today to start getting Ms. Rae back?
What are your goals tomorrow? Bolt talks a lot about goals. So let's start listing those daily goals here. Let's see if we achieve them. If not, why? I so need help in this area as well.
Mr. Rae... unappreciative? And a complete a$$. Stop doing his stuff for him. Stop doing his laundry. Stop cooking his dinner every night. Stop cleaning up after him. It's amazing what happens when you just stop. Do it nicely. Don't be mean. Do the things that MUST be done (i.e. pay the bills), but anything else, JUST STOP. Listen, my H is the biggest a$$ when it comes to that stuff. I work full-time just like him but every weekend was a freaking party for him while I busted my a$$ to clean up after him. I stopped. And you know what? He stayed over last night and he actually cleaned up after himself and folded up his own blankets.
And truly, truly, "Be still and know that He is God." Peace, my dear, you need some peace.
