Thanks for acknowledging me Antonia! I appreciate it.
Sorry if I hijacked this thread, I started my own and got little to no response. I love reading what others have said, it helps me more than posting, but at times I find that no one else but people here understand, so I vent here. Sometimes the pain is great and I need to get it out, better here than to XH.
Thanks everyone for reading my posts and even more so for posting your great wisdom on this awful situation!! It is so valuable to me and I will continue to read and read in order to learn more and grow as a person.
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I have been following your story and your last few posts really made me cry. I jus want you to know how sorry I am and understand how bittersweet this whole ugly dynamic is.
Lorie mentioned that people do get back together even after D; she mentioned the 5 year mark. I have heard that timeline alot. Having said that, like you mentioned, it could only work again if you BOTH were different people. At least you have to take comfort in knowing that all your hard efforts have paid off becaue of the great strides you have made within yourself and for yourself.
Change is certainly not easy and it shouldn't matter the circumstances which bring us to change. The point is YOU did it and that is an amazing accomplishment.
Peace and happiness to you - ZG
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Thank you so much, ZG. That was really a nice post you left me.
It is 3 days since he texted me about the cat and I didn't reply. No word from him. To tell you the truth I'm kind of glad. I felt like if he followed up I'd have to basically say look, no contact means no contact, I'm not playing this time. So maybe he got the message by my not responding.
I can't believe I'm saying it but I actually wish that damn divorce decree would get here already. Every day I want it to come because I am petrified that it will end up coming either on my birthday in the mail or be final on my birthday--which is the last day of this month. If the divorce is final on my birthday, I will NEVER hear the end of it from my parents. And on top of it, it would be awful for me, too. It would be such a knife-twist. I know it's out of his hands, but my parents will never get that. They have said they will NEVER forgive him for anything, and this will just make their venom worse.
As for something good, though, I organized a birthday dinner for myself and a single friend and we are going out with our coworker friends tonight to celebrate. I told my single friend that no one else was going to do anything for us so we may as well do for ourselves :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
(((Antonia))) - Way to go on the birthday celebration - that way if you do get papers that day you can focus on somethine else. My sister got served on her birthday a couple years ago (after 30 yrs of marriage) - not much worse, unless it is REALLY what you want.
I've been looking toward Valentine's day and am thinking I will send myself and my co-worker flowers. I know I won't get them otherwise and her H won't send her any. Nothing wrong with treating myself either!!!
Focus on YOU!
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
plan B you definitely need to send yourself and your co-worker flowers. H and I never made a huge deal over V-day so that doesn't have me that freaked out, but I know for some people it is a big deal. I look forward to V-day if only because it will FINALLY put an end to this barrage of celebratory days. First there was T-giving, then my 19th wedding anniversary, then Christmas, then N.Year's day, then my birthday, the V-day. Puhleeze!!! It just never stops. I want several months with nothing going on that we might have, at the very least, gone out for dinner to celebrate.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Hey everyone, my planned dinner for colleagues was very nice. The high point for me was that I had invited a much older colleague--we're all in our 30's/40's, she's in her 70's. Her husband died 10 years ago of cancer and she has been alone since and she and I have talked privately about "what it's like to rebuild your life as a single woman". Well she came and she bought us all a round of drinks and even gave me and my other bday coworker cards. She delighted us with stories from when she was younger, the birth of her first child (who had the same birthday as me) and the like. At some point she told us that on Oprah the other day, she said that happiness came from many things, but money was not one of them, that great friends to spend time with was a source of happiness. She told us that we were her great friends.
Mind you, this is a work colleague whom most faculty have written off. The more I'm around her, the more I see how lovely she is. Hell, she had a great pair of knee-hi leather boots and a leather jacket on!
I just felt blessed tonight. This dinner, which seemed to mean a lot to her, would not have happened were I not to have been betrayed. I feel like certain people are coming into my life right now that I can make happier, and I never felt like I had a "mission" in life before, but now I do.
If any of you have seen the foreign film Amelie, well, this is right up my alley right now. And incidentally I just taught that film in class last night!
So a good night. Life is good.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
My divorce was final 1/25/11. I just received the decree in the mail.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Thanks goodness not on your birthday, you can have a sigh of relief now! Happy Birthday!! Glad you had a good dinner and such! Keep up being so strong, you are doing great!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I am VERY glad that the D date is not your birthday. I have been following your thread and your posts to others. You have much insight and are very generous in sharing your insights with others. Thank you for your contributions to this board.
Originally Posted By: AntoniaB
Every time I see him we get along fine. Then I cry for days. Then I have to fight the backslide for days. It feels to me like self-punishment if I see him,........
In my RL job I spend a lot of time counseling patients about the impact of stress on their body's physiology. This ^^^^^^^ is your body telling you that you have a lot more healing to do. There is no shortcut to real healing. When you choose not to have H in your life because he is not the kind of person you want to have in your life, rather than because you don't want to grieve after having contact with him.....then you will have reached a place of peace with the outcome of your R with H/XH. Our brains don't change their synaptic connections and neurochemistry overnight. 20 years is a long time and I'm sure you have lots of wonderful memories from those years. Healing gives you the opportunity to put those wonderful memories in a place where you can remember them with happiness in the future.
My hope for you is that having the D final will allow you to move further forward on your journey of healing.
