Hello ALL! I want to thank all of you for being my inspiration and giving me strengh. Your advice and guidance have been my life savers.
So here it goes.
Last night on her way home from the restaurant W called. I was not expecting it but I was very polite and answered with a smile. I asked her how dinner was and she said it was good. Basically small talk at first. We talked about jobs and friend for about 45 minutes when I heard the car pull into the drive way I said "well I guess your home and you have to work tomorrow so I will let you go. I'm glad you had a good dinner and I hope you have a great night." W "you don't have to go. you can stay and talk awhile, unless you want to go to sleep I know it's late there" I was like.....SLEEP? Are you kidding me. Hell no I want to talk. I didn't say that of course I just said "ok"
Then the conversation began to change from the small talk to the M/R talk. It began with little steps I said in a joking way "My cross is I have to live with your everyday lol"
W "how's that?"
"D mimics your behavior all the time. Tell you the truth it's kind of annoying." She laughed and then the convo started to get deeper.
W "you know H I never understood why you always found fault with the way I treated D. I wanted her to wash her hands, have good manners, practice her piano, practice her guitar be respectful. Was that mean?"
M "I think you are a great mother. I have to tell you the problem was not you. It was my overprotection but it wasn't you."
W "I know it wasn't. I've done a lot of thinking also and I realize I've made many mistakes. Once we use to talk about things and communicate. We lost that. And when we did everything went with it."
M "I agree. Our ability to talk was the foundation of our M and we let that slip away. I began to shut down and move away. You tried and tried and the more you try the more I shut down. I have gone to school on our M"
I am not going to go over the entire 5 1/2 convo but I will hit some main points.
W "your mother controlled a lot of things in that house and you stopped listening to me and started listnening to her. The sad part was I knew it but you didn't. If I would of stayed you never would of seen anything. I had to go. And it wasn't just that we became angry with each other. I know you stopped hearing me which caused me to scream louder which cause you to hear me even less. We were just in this vicious circle and somebody had to break it."
M "I think you are absolutely right. I would like to believe that you leaving actually saved our M. The relationship had become unbalanced and I can't imagine that being very comfortable for you. It’s not so much that you left, it is that I have hurt you."
W "I know you are hurting. I will share something with you I probably shouldn't. I don't sleep good and I don't eat good. I am depressed and I am angry. Because I can look back and see turning points and I wish I could fix it or could of."
M "Well I understand how you feel that way and since we are on the subject of revealing secrets to each other that we will regret later I also don't sleep well."
The conversation was very soft but very deep. At several points i would say
M "One day when we are laying in bed talking about this chapter in our lives I will show you some of the stuff that helped me get through it"
W "one day huh? Maybe"
I also told her "I am decided to stop checking the phone to see if you have called. I have decided that I can't be a part of your suffering anymore. I must own my mistakes but not be condemed by them. I realize a lot and I went through a long process to get here but right now I am at peace. I stopped feeling like the victim and realized that I controlled my own emotions. That is why I am not angry with you. I chose not to be. That is why I still trust you. Because I chose to.That is why even as I mail you back D papers I stand for us. I'll know when it's time to move on. I'll know when I won't stand anymore but right now.....this story hasn't ended yet"
To bring this story to a close I will say this. She said she would meet my DB coach. The conversation just kind of gravitated that way. She doesn't know about the DB stuff she just thinks it is a counselor. I did tell her that it was a counselor who specialized in very very fragile marriages. And my intention was not to convince her to do anything, it was basically a way for her to vent and she might feel better after letting all her feelings out.
W " I would talk to her but I gotta tell you I am skeptical that someone can fix my life in one hour"
M "LOL not meant to fix your life or fix our M. Just a way for you to vent and if only for one hour you might feel better getting things off your chest."
She agreed. Longest phone conversation I have ever been on. IN MY LIFE
2Step - This is what you wrote on Jan 13th... only 2 weeks ago!
"Am I hoping a hopeless dream? Realistically how many people stop divorce after it has been filed?"
Do you have hope now? Do you think that stopping this D is possible even though it has been filed?
Proceed with caution my friend. But I believe that you are going to be one of the successes here!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
You rock! She does not want to divorce you. She is lost and filing papers was either something she did out of anger and hurt to see your reaction or something that she was talked into doing by some friend, family member or whoever. I think you are at a fragile point right now and it could go either way at this point. The challenge is that she is so far away right now physically. I think your next step is to talk to your DB coach and debrief her of your conversation and if she suggests that you guys have a conference call, then great.
I would not reengage her about any R talk until after talking to your DB coach. Wow 5 1/2 hours. I don't think I have talked a total of 5 1/2 hours w/ my W in the last 4 months!
Keep on keepin' on!
B.I.T.S.
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
Oh, God, 2Step, YOU SO DESERVE THIS TURNAROUND. You have worked and labored over this so hard. This just totally lifted my spirits today. I am so happy for you!!!!
I agree with MJ. You are in shark infested seas and you need to talk to that DB coach. If for nothing else, so you can really understand what to expect next. From what I understand, she might backtrack a bit and its important to understand that this is normal and to not let yourself get discouraged.
At one point around 2:30 I told her it was late and she should get some sleep. W "I am ok. Unless your tired. I can keep talking"
Again at 3:30 and then again at 4:30 but she kept going and did not want to hang up. I am trying to keep my cool here and not set expectations too high but it was refreshing to talk.
She said she would talk to DB coach but also was skeptical. I compeltely agreed with her. We will see.
Appt is set up for W and me on Thurs 9AM central time. You know the minute I hang up I will be here. W just called to tell me about her job interview because she hates her current job. We spoke for about half an hour just little talk. At one point she asked me "what do you expect to get out of this C session" I smiled and said "I have zero expectations I just figured it would be nice to be able to vent to someone who understands" she said "OK. Thur at 9AM I think I can do it." Hopefully she doesn't have to work.
I have to remember to not get disscouraged because she said how nice it was to be in her hometown and be able to see her sister and mom all the time. Immediately I said to myself "oh great! How will she ever leave her family for me again?" but I instead I stayed positive. I told her "2011 is going to be a great year" she said "how's that" "I know things will be better."
I test the waters and I retreat. Now I have to remind myself of the baby steps and not get over excited.
Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.
Be prepared for her to waffle on talking to the db coach or pulling away from you in general. Don't pursue just validate how she feels and go about your business. Women test men to see if they are strong in their convictions. You said you have "zero expectations" she will test your resolve on that.
Next time you are on the phone find a reason to end the call first. Be polite and honest just you are a busy man with things to do. Let her pursue you, cats love to hunt. 180 the dynamics.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
