Detachment issues

[Lainey]

Antonia,

I appreciate so much you sharing your story of pain and growth.Reading it is an affirmation of my experience, and I learn much from reading your honest words.

I am a returning member here, having gone through this in 1998 (married in 91, like you) and again over the last year. Our spouses seem to have similar issues although this time there is not another person involved (at least not yet). My H has decided once again that he doesn't want to be married and that if he is free that will solve all his problems. I am not sure now if he is in MLC (10 years seems a long time) or if it is a personality disorder. I have stood by him to help him be the best he can and work through his demons, just as you have.

Ultimately, it was not enough, and I am tired of the rollercoaster. Each time he has said this, I let him go (at least on the surface while I DB'd). He would come back asking to try again, guilt, love, missing his son all reasons he returned, but he could never sustain it.

Finally, I am really letting go of the outcome like you. I have to let go and although I know he is troubled and hurt me so much, if I am honest with myself, I do love him still (I don't want to and wish I didn't). I'm not at the place to have that conversation with him, but it wont be long. He will come back asking to try again - I know it. I have used my anger to deliberately get him to leave me alone for good. It very well may work, but it doesn't matter. I have to be done so I can be healthy.

I am an optimistic person, and happy in spite of what he has done. I cannot allow him to bring me down anymore, as much as I love him and want our family to be whole.

Letting go is hard. Thank you for sharing your work on it here for others to learn from. I truly appreciate it.

Lainey

[beatrice]

I have been there so many times and every time I get sucked back in she turns cold and it just ends up hurting me.

It is much better to try to just stay away from our Xs.

My view is that if our Xs love us and want us back then they will do whatever it takes to contact us.

You are not wrong there! I do think in their strange way they do still love us, but they are so messed up and so unprepared to do anything about it. I think they also want to sucker us back in because they get high on control. These are people who at a crucial developmental stages felt unloved and out of control of their lives. They often say they 'escaped' their birth families So they act out the desire to be in control, [probably unconsciously].

We are healthier without them in our lives, although I admire very much those who foster and encourage the 'baby steps' back to the relationship.

[AntoniaB]

Oh Beatrice, you nailed it! Control! The last time I saw H in person he volunteered the info to me that the thing that causes his anger and his going "to his very dark side" was any time he felt he didn't have control/was losing control over any part of his life. I think due to the family dynamic and abuse situation he never developed the ability to control his own life or destiny. He "thinks" he is gaining it now, but all he learned to do was say no to the marriage. He still can't say no to anything else. Ex.: he told me that he didn't plan to get his own place because the guy he lives with didn't want him to leave. The guy he lives with gets 500 bucks a month for putting an extra person in an empty room. Of COURSE he doesn't want him to leave. But they aren't even close.

The other side of this is the gaining of parental approval that he never had in childhood because his parents were so awful. He told me "of course my mom LOVES OW". Yeah. Because I was very educated and smart and didn't want kids and was up front about that, she always hated me. But OW, well she is young and not so bright, and her claim to fame was being a former VERY small state beauty pageant winner, and she hasn't been honest about not wanting kids to his mom. So his mom is running arond saying NOW she will finally get grandkids out of my H. (H says it isn't happening...we'll see if he caves on that one to please another).

I think it's sad. He can't take control except against the one he demonized: Me. And he is still looking for mommie to finally love him. She won't. She just loves his gf.

When we were first together, he always said that NEVER would he want to bring home a woman his mom liked because that would mean there was something really wrong with the woman. Now it's all he is about.

What he's not getting is that he still can't make his parents love him. They aren't capable. There are families you can gain all over the world who aren't blood-related. His energies are misdirected and I think someday he will face a big fall.

[Sanderika]

((((Antonia))))

I cried the whole way through this thread.

I,too, have had the thought: The world doesn't make sense any more to me".

I believe in: "Let Go and Let God"

You are emerging and it is beautiful. Like a perfect rosebud emerging into a gorgeous rose. Every day brings hope and renewal and options galore!!!

I also used this opportunity to re-invent "Me". My changes are amazing and I would not trade the lessons learned for anything I can think of. I am proud of what I accomplished all by myself, H may have been the trigger but without the bomb I would still be depressed and miserable and wallowing in self pity.

Our H's see this and will continue to love us. They are running from everything in their lives to find a small corner of happiness. Love endures and as hard as they try they can't run from that. They will live with doubts and regrets and if or every time they see us (I have a son with mine, it's a bit harder to avoid)they will be reminded of the pain, regret and doubt for the rest of their days.

To live well is the sweetest revenge.

We Will Move On.....We are strong and courageous, we will survive this!!!

Sanderika

[AntoniaB]

So it has been 10 days since I said "I love you so I have to let you go" in that letter, and since then, 2 bits of contact from him, first the check with the personal note in the memo, and now last night, a text message, "Is Baby T still doing well?" Again with her cute nickname.

I realize that it may be that he only wants to know about the cat, but he also knows that I have always contacted him first if anything was even a little off with any of them. This text came at the same time most others do--Monday night just before 7pm. This is him trying to start a conversation.

This ONE TEXT sent me into crying, then lack of sleep, then taking something for sleep, then dreaming about him coming back and me sleeping with him and then him going dark and depressed again and then him telling me "I've actually been on medicine for the past year and a half" and me saying "oh my god, that coincides with when you started to make these terrible decisions to bail on the marriage and have an affair", and then him saying "I know but I'm not going to explore that." I mean this all comes from ONE TEXT from him, mainly because I am imagining what happens if I respond.

If I respond and say "she's fine" he is 99.9% likely to write back "how are you" or "I hope you're doing well", and adding "if you need anything let me know." This is our pattern. He asks about a cat, I respond, and then it continues and he gets a chance to play good guy again offering help. If I hadn't seen this play out so many times I wouldn't be so sure it's what will happen.

So I haven't responded yet. I just don't want to. I feel bad for not responding. I feel like I'm being mean. But he just isn't getting it. I love him so deeply that he has got to be out of my life for good. It just opens up everything to "hear" him in a few words on a text message. It sends me right back into rehashing everything that happened.

So do you think I should just ignore the text?

[cat04]

This ONE TEXT sent me into crying, then lack of sleep, then taking something for sleep, then dreaming about him coming back and me sleeping with him and then him going dark and depressed again and then him telling me "I've actually been on medicine for the past year and a half" and me saying "oh my god, that coincides with when you started to make these terrible decisions to bail on the marriage and have an affair", and then him saying "I know but I'm not going to explore that." I mean this all comes from ONE TEXT from him, mainly because I am imagining what happens if I respond.

Antonia,

Above is the reason that you wanted to stop contact, isn't it?

Because it is better for you.

Everything that has happened, the letters back and forth, his sharing of his thoughts, they are still all part of MLC.

My H, when we finally agreed to D, actually asked me not to tell everyone that he is horrible. That is how he feels about what he has done, although he will not change it. He still can't see that I would never do that. I have gotten to a place where I don't have anger toward him about it.

And he has a hard time understanding why I don't have too much contact with him. It is better for me not to. He will call sometimes and just say not much of anything. And then hang up. He is one of the ones who thinks we can be friends as well.

For me, we can be friendly, but friends, just isn't in my plan.

Now I am in a great place. I am happy, have become exactly who I was meant to be (fyi, in many ways more like I was before I met H). It is ok to not respond. If that is what is best for you.

If the time comes when he wants to reconcile, you will know it. You will hear what you need to from him. In the meantime, continue on the path that works for you.

[Augtan]

I am having a hard time with the detatching thing today. I am so sick of XH and his lies and I want him to know that I know he is lying, even though I know it will do no good.

A few posts back someone said they had the hardest time saying "no" to H or XH...that is my biggest problem. I have not said no to him about anything, pretty much ever since this whole thing started. I let him cake eat and such in soooo many ways.

He has told me over and over that him and OW#2 are just friends, but I know that isn't the truth, and part of me wants her to know he is still seeing me when he comes up here, she knows he has done it in the past and always takes him back or doesn't care, I think they are at the "friend's with benefits" stage, and I guess that is what XH and I are too, only they both want it that way and have probably discussed it and agreed to it and me and XH haven't.

Anyway, I have not contacted him in over a week (he was up here that long ago so I did have contact with him then, but even before that wasn't the one to start it), he has called me and responded to emails, I have just kept it very short and sweet. It means nothing, he thinks he is so cleaver with his facebook posts that I won't know what they mean and I do. He put "da*m hot piece of tuna" as his status, well, OW#2's picture on facebook is her swimming with dolphins...who swim alongside tuna...I am not stupid..so this is a comment meant for OW#2 to tell her how hot she is. Whatever, I just hate it! Meanwhile, this is a picture from a cruise she took last week and there is also a picture with a bunch of empty plates, glasses, and a pair of mens underwear outside the door to the room and the caption is "Thanks Babe", so another man was on the cruise with her!! How stupid is XH??? Geez, he really wants that skank, slut over me?? I know, I know...but I am just venting! I haven't contacted him and i won't, but it is sooo hard right now!

A

[Augtan]

OMG...right after I finished posting this XH tried calling me...I hit ignore! But, now I can't stop wondering why he ws calling...I need some 2x4's...help!!

A

[AntoniaB]

Augtan if you're recognizing that the contact with him is not helping but hurting, you have to begin to make that stop. I mean right, you can't control whether he contacts you or not, but you can control whether you reply. Way back in the beginning I was out of contact with H for a week or more when I knew he went on a vacation. It was the toughest thing I ever did to just let him get on a plane and not say "nice trip" or make sure he got there ok. I just called someone else or emailed every time I had the urge and that person "talked me down." Since then it is easier for me to not contact by far. It doesn't mean I don't get hung up on it when he contacts me now (see above) but my instinct is very strong to limit or cut off entirely contact because I know how bad a place it puts me in.

cat04 is completely right, it was my teary reaction to just that one contact from him and the ensuing sleep problems and upsetting dreams that make me realize that contact isn't good for me. I know he is trying to be the good guy. He said "I know I was a terrible husband but I won't be a deadbeat (cat) dad." But if I stay connected with him over the cats, I'm going to get sucked back in. He'll eventually want to see them/come to the house. I don't know if I want to put myself through that anymore. Every time I see him we get along fine. Then I cry for days. Then I have to fight the backslide for days. It feels to me like self-punishment if I see him, where for him, I think he feels like good interaction means I don't hate him and I accept what he did to me.

I do accept that the situation is out of my hands. But I can't give him "a pass." He is looking to me to make his guilt go away. I can't do it. Not because I'm mean, because that's not for me to do. I can't make this alright for him because it is NOT alright, what he did/continues to do. He broke his vows to me and his promise to me. There is no fixing that at least while he's in lala land.

The last thing he said to me on the final letter was "I'll never say a negative thing about you to anyone." He has also insisted that he never has. So like you say, cat04, he is like your H in that he also doesn't want people to think he is a bad person. But people are going to think what they think, and I don't know anyone but him who sides with an adulterer.

[Albuquerque]

It doesn't mean I don't get hung up on it when he contacts me now (see above) but my instinct is very strong to limit or cut off entirely contact because I know how bad a place it puts me in.

This is the key Antonia, and kudos to you for standing up for yourself. You can only worry about you. Do what is right for you even if it SEEMS like it may make the R with the H worse. You must be true to yourself. We can't fix our spouses anyhow, so worrying about our actions in relation to them is often wasted energy. You are on the right track.