Detachment issues

[Augtan]

I want to reply to the part about what you think or hope he might really be saying or meaning in his letter to you and in response to your second letter replying to him...I know how hard it is not to grasp at what little bit there is and hope that there is some underlying meaning in what he says that will give you hope, but you need to stop trying to figure this all out! I am writing this to myself as much as to you!! You have to accept (which is near impossible at times) that he is on his own journey and that he really believes what he is telling you and means it just like he says it, even though that might not be the case because of the MLC, you will heal and move forward a lot faster if you go with it like it is, period. Don't find "hope" in anything he says, find hope in you and that it will get better because there is a higher power in control who will get you through this no matter the outcome. I don't mean lose hope that he will ever come back, but don't look for it in anything he is saying or doing. If and when his journey brings him back to you and you are still in a place to accept him back, then that is what will happen, you have no control over it and going over and over what he says, does, doesn't say, or doesnt' do is only going to make it longer and worse for you. Give it up to the higher power that you believe in and you will find much more peace within yourself. OW is (IMO) never going to be his soulmate, you might not be, but she isn't going to be either.

I have a very good friend who's now XH left her for the OW and due to divorce laws in Georgia, morality clauses, he had to marry the OW in order to maintain the relationship because they can't live together unless married and her XH had no where else to go due to lying under oath and getting caught, so alimony and child support are outrageous for him (though well-deserved), anyway...her XH is miserable and him and OW are in marriage counceling after only 2 years of marriage!! I have several similar stories, it seemed that having an A and leaving for the OW was contagious in our neighborhood and the stories are outrageous!! I am thankful that I moved away and that gave my XH the ability to be with OW whenever he wanted without the need to marry her. But, what I am saying is a relationship born in lies, deceipt, destrution of families, cheating, etc. will never have a foundation that can stand the test of time in the majority of cases. Hang in there, you are doing so great, stick to your boundries and keep walking forward.

A

[goodattitudegirl]

Antonia,

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes having just read yesterday's posts from you and Virginia. You write with such honesty and transparency it really helps the rest of us to explore and reconcile our thoughts and feelings. You have a gift.

I once read somewhere that the saddest Ds are those in which both parties still love one another. I think this applies to your M; I know it applies to mine. It seems like such an incredible waste to throw that love away. I spoke with Jody (DB coach) yesterday. She said something to me that may apply to your situation as well............She said that walk aways leave their M's because they are more afraid of facing their own demons than losing the person they love.

GAG

[AntoniaB]

This is exactly what I feel, GAG. I feel like there is still love between us. And yet he is too scared to try to face anything. That love he feels for me is strong, yes, but so is his 43 years of pain that he built up from never facing the crap he dealt with as a kid. He saw at least 3 therapists over the years who all told him that it wasn't "important" to face his childhood fears and confront his parents for what they did to him. I disagree. It takes a tremendous effort for someone as sensitive as him to keep the peace and hold in the pain he feels over not just the way they treated him in the past, but the way they joke about it now openly. Making jokes about abusing your kid in front of him and his wife isn't normal. And I was deeply offended by this crap. Maybe the OW just laughs it off. All I know is they "like" her more than they liked me.

But the bottom line is that no matter how much I know that we could have fixed everything, he isn't on board. He doesn't have the faith and belief in work and progress and results that I do. And this might be a reason why we can't be together. One of the first conversations we ever had, which I recall as if it were yesterday, he was ridiculing me for being optimistic about a situation where he was pessimistic.

The fact is that after 23 years with him, I was a glass half empty person and looked for the bad in everything.

Give me 7 months without him in my life, and I'm the opposite. People around me are saying that this is "who I was" until I was "with him."

He is far too afraid to face his demons. He told me that on many occasions. Instead, he prefers to try to shut them down or avoid the urges to feel scared or angsty or angry.

Why would you want to avoid those things the rest of your life, when you had the opportunity to face them, figure out why they are there, and then banish them?

This is the difference between he and I. He won't work to fix things. I will.

This is why our relationship will never work.

Yes there is love there on both sides. But there is also pity. I think the rel. with the other woman is born out of that. If the only reason he can say he is with her is "I don't want to break her heart too", then sorry, that is a relationship that exists out of pity.

I'm not going to be in a relationship because someone feels sorry for me or pities me. Not anymore.

I'm not saying that this isnt' tearing me apart, through and through. It is. All I want emotionally is to talk to him, to confide in him, and the fact is that I know he is receptive to it.

But look, eventually, he will reject that contact. SHE will make him do it.

And even if she did not, he would feel guilty that he was two-timing her.

I will not give him that power over me. No more.

I am stronger than he is. I know it. I have said that I love him over and over. It's not like I'm leaving him with a bad impression on my end. But I am not going to destroy what little is left of me to hang on to someone who can't appreciate me.

Thanks everyone for the support. This has been a complete stripping down and rebuilding of my self this week. A lot fell into place to make it happen in a short period of time. I am grateful for the space to just let it all out.

[dolphin_05]

Antonia, I think you are an incredibly strong person and you have really come to know yourself through this process. May peace be with you as your journey unfolds.

[punkin]

Antonia,

Kind of like being rebuilt in a Sci-Fi movie of the week, isn't it? Although at most, I often feel like the '$5.95 cent woman instead of the six million dollar item'

This self revelation is exhausting work. Perhaps you'd like to join SA and I for our matching tattoos? LOL

Honestly, you've been incredibly strong and supportive to all here. You have the strength to get through this, and will, with your self worth not only intact, but increased. (Hugs)

[AntoniaB]

Thanks dolphin and punkin! I appreciate what you've both said.

My sister came to visit the past day and just left. She brought my younger nephew and last night, I asked a coworker friend and his wife to bring their girls over and we all played Rock Band. It is quite a thing to see a 7 year old singing Blondie's "Call Me" :-) But I did something I didn't think I'd do--I sang a song that has become my "anthem" of sorts lately---"Best of You" by the Foo Fighters (google the lyrics if you don't know it) and the lines "Were you born to resist or be abused" and "I swear I'll never give in, I refuse", well, I belted that out with the most power I could, and for the first time I didn't bawl my way through the song. Instead, I smiled.

I see the way out, everyone. I see the way out of this grief and this pain and this trauma. I hit the top of that mountain in the past 24 hours for the first time, and I know that doesn't mean it's all "over" and there will never be a slipping back, but I see the way out.

As my sister and I talked this weekend, I'm feeling this power surge through me. I am getting past this. I know it. I don't doubt myself anymore. If I do have doubt, it's temporary. I know that I am very powerful and strong and I know that I'm going to survive this. I realize that we have our highs and lows, but this is a powerful high right now, and I feel good and clear and I just want this in writing as "proof" so that when the doubts come back, and I am sure they will, I'll know that I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and today, it's really bright. And this is a first.

You can all do it. Believe it.

[AntoniaB]

Not much to update in the past week other than that I have had zero trouble sticking to detaching from stbxh in terms of contact via text/email. I've thought about him less and less. I've had periods of the day where I go quite some time and I don't think of him. I don't even think he's the first thing on my mind when I get up in the morning. I've been more focused on my job than anything. I'm glad for the work!

The only contact from him came today--in a check that he sent to pay for some vet bills for our recuperating cat. He did the strangest thing, too. He wrote in the memo line. He rarely does that, and if he does, he just writes what it's for, such as "flooring" or "vet." Not this time. Nope, he went back into our past, and he wrote, "Get well, Baby T! :-)" Our cats have a lot of nicknames, but this is the very cutesy one. I mean, clearly the cat can't read, so this was meant for me. I just sort of looked at it in disbelief. Honestly, I feel like he's trying to get me to contact him. He knows that normally him being caring to the cats makes my guard go down, and the whole cutesy tone to this just makes me think he's pulling out the stops to try to keep a friendship with me.

Think of it this way: it was only after I finally said (and meant) that I loved him with all my heart but I was finally letting him go permanently because seeing him/talking to him was too painful that he started to be his "old self" with me. Nice, kind, supportive, letting his emotions out, even admitting to crying at the thought of never seeing me again. That only came after I said "I'm moving on. Goodbye." And this little note on the check, same thing. Only written and mailed after I sent my "farewell" letter.

I honestly think he is not able to let go and is trying to get me to stay friendly. Well, it won't happen. It can't happen. It's too dangerous and just holds me back from getting over him/past this.

I'm sticking to my guns this time, for my own peace of mind. Until or unless he is done with OW AND has control over his issues and/or is seeking help to grow and learn about his mistakes, I can't have him in my life.

I feel really good about this. I actually feel a sense of closure. I think all this time I had it wrong and figured he'd give me closure or not, and I think the ball has always been in my court and I didn't know it.

[TAMF]

I honestly think he is not able to let go and is trying to get me to stay friendly. Well, it won't happen. It can't happen. It's too dangerous and just holds me back from getting over him/past this.

I'm sticking to my guns this time, for my own peace of mind. Until or unless he is done with OW AND has control over his issues and/or is seeking help to grow and learn about his mistakes, I can't have him in my life.

I feel really good about this. I actually feel a sense of closure. I think all this time I had it wrong and figured he'd give me closure or not, and I think the ball has always been in my court and I didn't know it.

You and me girlfriend...we are in the same friggin spot arnt we? We just need to keep telling ourselves this over and over. I KNOW how hard it is - but we are making progress.

[AntoniaB]

Yes, we are in the same spot! You know I never in my life saw myself being able to say no to him. It was never on my radar. I bet you never thought the same. That just goes to show that nothing is ever permanent, that things are always in flux, and that what seems impossible to change is actually very able to change with hard work. We are all much more powerful than we think!

[whitneypinch]

You are not alone.
My XW is doing exactly the same thing.
After 3 years I have finally stopped contacting her and stopped being kind.
Now when she contacts me she is sugary sweet. Boy, I will tell you it is HARD not to get sucked right back in.
I have been there so many times and every time I get sucked back in she turns cold and it just ends up hurting me.

It is much better to try to just stay away from our Xs.

My view is that if our Xs love us and want us back then they will do whatever it takes to contact us.