DB'ing but it's a daily struggle - need support.

[ScaredinCanada]

Just get her a card to acknowledge the day. Keep it short and simple.

Ya a card for sure, that's one of things she loves (she's kept every card she's EVER gotten - she has a huge box full of them).

I think I may just mention to her that I was thinking of making reservations for dinner and ask her if there is somewhere specific she'd like to go. Then if she says "I don't want to go out" then I'll just give her the card and skip the dinner - but again it will break my heart. Just like New Years!

[ericmsant2]

Scared

I told her C went well

And what do you HOPE this accomplishes?

if she'd booked yet "Nooooo, not yet

Did she say she was going? If so, then why do you need to keep asking her? WHEN and IF she decides to go she will go. IMO, you asking is YOU pushing and controlling.

Ya I know hunny it's only been a f**king month, I'm sure you'll get around to it when it makes it onto your "important list".

Have you ever thought that HER important list is different than YOURS?

Anyways, I was asking the W if she realized that she hadn't marked my parents anniversary on our calendar (because she puts EVERYTHING on the caledar) and she said "Why would I care about there anniversary - I don't even care about my own!"

Why is it HER responsibility to put in on the calendar? You want YOU parents anniversary on the calendar maybe you should put it on yourself. Her response IMO, is very telling.

HOW DO I HANDLE MY ANNIVERSAY NOW?? It's in just over a week. Should I plan a baby-sitter, make reservations somewhere?

I was originally going to plan a weekend away at nice chalet resort or something, but she shot that down before Christmas.

I can't imagine I supposed to just ignore it and do nothing? Should I make plans for myself and just act like it's another day?????

I am sorry Scared but I have not read your entire thread so I do not know if OM is present. If so, then honestly anything that you do for your anniversary will be viewed as pursuit. If she wants out of the M, then why not RESPECT HER CHOICE and DO whatever it is that YOU feel like doing.

Card = pursuit
Nice letter = pursuit
Weekend getaway = pursuit
Dinner = pursuit

IMO, IF what you wanted was the try and make nice nice with her and show her just how much you love her and RESPECT her…I would say to her “our anniversary is coming up. Please let me know if you would like to do anything. I will RESPECT what you decide. If you could let me know by X day I would appreciate it”. Then if she does not respond by X day…I would make plans for YOU. Go out with the guys…kick back a few beers…watch some Canadian Hockey, whatever but do not be near her.

Just my 2 cents.

God Bless,
Eric

[habitacker]

Eric, Thanks for posting that last paragraph. That seems like the best route to take.

You said you did not know if SIC had a OM involved. When it comes to persuing, what difference does it make? Would you of offered different advice if there was not a OM?

[ScaredinCanada]

Eric, first thanks for the reply.

She asked me how C went. So I thought the best thing to tell her would be that it went well. A positive for me, might make her feel better about booking a IC. She's told me from the beginning she would goto C, but since (about a month) continues to make excuses not to book.

I want her to book because I don't understand how her sitting around being angry and pissy with me is doing anything for the sitch - regardless of what outcome she wants. She knows I don't want D, but she also isn't doing anything to chance the sitch one way or the other.

I obviously understand her important list is probably much different then mine, but should I not assume that since she said she was going to goto C, that it is not on her list somewhere at least?

She is the calendar person - not me. She always puts EVERYTHING on the calendar - including my parents A in the previous years. My brothers A, his birthday, my SIL birthday, etc. so it seemed like a reasonable question. I agree I could easily add it - I guess it was a conversation starter for me.

As far as I know, and everything that has led me to believe that there might be OM has been debuked by her, or proven incorrect by literal evidence. So no it would appear currently there is no OM who trigger the B.

I guess I just feel similar to Habit that it's a double edged sword. In the past one of my biggest issues was my lack of thoughtfulness, so if I just act like it's another day then I am continuing that bad action from my past. I almost want to make a big deal out of it show her that I am being thoughtful.

I think I going to take your approach and ask what if anything she'd like to do. I plan to only get her a card, which will be tough because I don't know how to get an "emotionless anniversary card"????!?!?!???!

Am I better off without the mother of my children, the woman I still love, and have loved for all of my adult life? Are my children better off if we seperate? Is my W better off if we seperate? I believe the answer to all of these questions is NO. I think this is true regardless of what my W says...

[habitacker]

I find the "emotionless anniversary card" humorous. I had a heck of a time finding a x-mas card for wife without the word love on it. I bought one,but never gave it to her.

I just want to let you know that in the beginning I asked my wife to go to MC also. She did go by herself once. I think I asked how it was, and she said fine, but she did not see a need to go back.

After a few months, the day came when she actually said the words "I want a divorce". This came from me pushing to want to know how we stood. Now I realize 2 months was not a long enough time, even though things seemed fine. Her pretending everything is fine is what had confused me at the time.

After the dreaded words, I bailed on the DB techniques for about 12 hours. I went into, I Love You and I am going to fight for this marriage phase. I went outside for a minute, and went back in and asked her about the 2 month earlier MC session. I asked what did you tell him? She said, she had told him she wanted a Divorce. This pi**ed me off, because MC had told me he saw nothing in her that said she was done. To this day I still don't know who to believe, I tend to believe my wife, this woman gets tears in her eyes if she just thinks about telling a lie.

Anyway, she said the only reason she went to MC is because I wanted her to, she went just to make me happy. Nothing was accomplished, actually only bad things happened from it.

I just wanted you to know and maybe get some ideas from what happened in my sitch. A lot of our things are so much alike, we might as well try to benefit from eachothers mistakes or achievements.

If she does not want to go to MC in search of something she feels she is looking for, it is a waste of time, and can actually be harmful in my opinion. But what the heck do I know, I might be asking you some dumb question 5 minutes from now when my emotions take over again.

[ScaredinCanada]

I find the "emotionless anniversary card" humorous. I had a heck of a time finding a x-mas card for wife without the word love on it. I bought one,but never gave it to her.

I just want to let you know that in the beginning I asked my wife to go to MC also. She did go by herself once. I think I asked how it was, and she said fine, but she did not see a need to go back.

Anyway, she said the only reason she went to MC is because I wanted her to, she went just to make me happy. Nothing was accomplished, actually only bad things happened from it.

I just wanted you to know and maybe get some ideas from what happened in my sitch. A lot of our things are so much alike, we might as well try to benefit from eachothers mistakes or achievements.

If she does not want to go to MC in search of something she feels she is looking for, it is a waste of time, and can actually be harmful in my opinion. But what the heck do I know, I might be asking you some dumb question 5 minutes from now when my emotions take over again.

Thanks Habit. 100% the reasons I come to this site each day is to relate to people to help me cope, to vent about my sitch and get advice from people that have or who are going through similar sitch.

If she doesn't want to goto IC or MC or simply isn't ready to go, why not just say it? She was able to easily hurt me by saying she didn't care about our anniversary but she's afraid to tell me she doesn't want or isn't ready to goto C?!?!? I don't get it.

I was having a convo with my boss today and he was mentioning that he had some issues with his W some years ago and it turned out to be related to medical issue (thyroid condition). He was saying that I might want to try and convince my W to go for a physical or something just to make sure there isn't some sort of medical condition that also be effecting the sitch?! Her M is suffers from manic depression and is medicated for it.

I'm not trying to find an excuse for why I'm in this sitch. I don't want people to think I am trying to blame my W. Like I said I have completly and fully owned up to my faults and and working to fix them. My concern is my W's complete and utter negativety towards our R.

Again, going to try and finish reading DR this weekend. Soooo hard to detach, because like you said unfortunetly my "Detached attitude" was a big part of why we are in this sitch.

[MrBond]

Sending the simple card isn't pursuit as long as you keep it friendly without hints of desperation or expectation.
Something that you wanted to give her something to commemorate the day and for sharing 3 great kids together.

There's nothing that refers to her specifically.

BTW, don't mention anything about it possibly being a medical issue. She's going to deny it and the walls will be up stronger than ever.

[angel61]

Scared and Habitacker,

I've read so many sitches that I am not sure who's is what, but from what I am seeing is that both of you have to detach from your W's actions and stop pursuing. We all know they are confused at this time, and are acting crazy, so you can't really expect them to be logical.

In the DR book, the number one advice is not to pursue. I know its really hard to do. But I myself have seen how it works, my H told me clearly that he felt pressured by my even just showing him I cared. Even if I repeated to him that I am not expecting something in return, he still said it was pressure. That is exactly what the book says. They need their space to figure out their feelings, their moves, and even the slightest push from us is felt and makes them react.
Its hard to do, I myself have been doing DB since October and thought I was detaching and not pursuing but everyday still catch myself doing little pursuing things.
It helps to keep yourself busy with other things - do GAL, figure out ways to do your 180. maybe handling your own calendar and schedule would be a good 180 - and will relieve your W of some of the stress of taking care of your activities. Plus it shows that you are getting a grip on your own life.

Scared, What I did for our anniversary was this: I asked H if he wanted to celebrate it. He said Yes, so we went out for lunch. Very low key compared to other anniversaries. I did not get him a card or a gift. I did send him a FB message though, thanking him for the care he had given me and D12 for the last 13 years.

I got him a gift for Christmas but no card either. If you can't find an "emotionless" card use one of those generic cards with no message and compose your own!

Since you did ask your Ask your W first and she said she did not want to celebrate, then if you still live together, make or buy a special dinner at home to share with the kids - make it a family celebration instead of a romantic one. That would also serve to give a message about how you want the family to remain as a unit.

[habitacker]

SIC, Do not say anything to W about medical issues. She will see something like "you just want me fixed so you can have sex". If you go back through my posts you will see I have dealt with this also. My wife has hypothyroidism. Problem is, and it is very hard, anything you do to try and get her help is going to look like you see her as the problem, and she needs fixed. Even if this is true, your only going to make things worse. I'm sorry, it makes us feel so helpless. I am just starting to accept that she has to do this by herself. We can't support them the way we want to.

Angel61, I believe the pursuing for me has stopped, but I need to keep a close eye on myself. It is easy to do things that are persuing without even noticing. I bet she notices though.

I think a lot of what I post on here sounds like I am persuing or desperate. It sounds much worse than what is actually happening at home. This is the place where I can really let everything out, which to the person reading probably relates that to the way I am acting at home. I am sure there is a fine line there though.

[mj144]

Be careful as far as MC goes. My W and I have gone down that route and almost got divorced 2x before. 3rd times a charm, huh?
Make sure you choose the MC VERY carefully. The 2 gems we went to before have ruined any opportunity for my W to even consider it this time around. The first one told her to run from the marriage. The 2nd one basically told us that W is the way she is, I am the way I am and we just have to learn to live with it. No wonder so many people get D with this type of 'professional' help out there.

Was just at Walgreen's, place is littered with Valentine's Day stuff already. Geez! Still licking the wounds of Christmas.