May the force be with you young Ericmsant2.....

[TAMF]

Hope you had a good Christmas Eric! Been thinking about you and hope that your challenges are managable...

[AntoniaB]

Yes Eric, thinking about you, just want you to know that we hope things are ok with you :-)

[ericmsant2]

To all my DB friends,

I wish you all the best in this upcoming New Year. 2011 CAN be a year of transformation, a year of growth for ALL of us. All it takes is one thing…..

Choose!

We can choose to be happy, we can choose to say f it, we can choose to face every obsticale in our life, we can choose to stand up and say NO MORE, we can choose to say I WILL NOT FEEL defeated, we choose to look at our sitch’s and say…..I can do this, I will surive!

My hope and prayer for all of you is that YOU make the right CHOICE for YOU and YOUR families.

Now before some of you get ready to party….I respectfully that you stop for a second and…..

Give thanks for what you DO have in your life.

Some of you may be going through hard times, you may feel helpless, you may feel hopeless. DON’T!

Let go of any guilt. Please it does you no good. Everyone make mistakes...learn from them and do better. Period.

I mean really, we are all alive…we are all surviving. If we really stop for a second and think….life really is what we make of it. So please, make of it the best of YOUR life that you can.
To all of the men on these boards, especially those with children – to YOU I say this…..

Your children are looking to YOU to see how you react through all of this. Remember this – YOU are their role model. They will need strong men in their life as an example of how a man reacts to adversity. Please I implore you…..be this example for them. Show them how a man lives his life!

As for your spouses, let them go, give them over to a higher power and go live your life as the men that YOU want to be. Live a life of honor, respect, kindness, compassion, tenderness, strength, hope, faith, openness and most of all LOVE. A love for life, a love for your children and a LOVE of yourself!
As for me, some of you have wondered what is going on in my life. We’ll here is a quick update.

My D continues to move forward and at this point it is what I want.

My STBXW no longer wants the house, so I am working to try and find a way to keep it. I think it is important to maintain some level of normalcy for the kids, especially my D. If I cannot keep the house..well then, such is life.

The attny are supposed to be working up the separation agreement and I eagerly await the draft so that I can plan accordingly.
I have moved back into the master bedroom. My days sleeping on a sofa and/or the family room floor are OVER.

Christmas day was well let’s say interesting. My MIL and my STBXW went at it at the house. It has become very clear to me how lost my W is. Her resent me towards me is so obvious. Now when I look at her I feel nothing but remorse, nothing but sorrow. For the first time the reality of just how much this is about her has hit me. Nothing I do can help her. This truly is what she wants for her life. I will respect it.

My hope and prayer for her is that she find whatever it is that she is looking for. May she find the happiness that she seeks, while at the same time…leaving me the f*ck alone.

The hardest thing in this process is the impact to my children. They are suffering –silently – but suffering. For a long time I tried to avoid the pain for them (I come to realize that this is what I was standing for) – I know understand that I can only do the best I can to minimize the pain for them.

So I move forward in my life. I continue to work on my own happiness and that of my children. Divorce does not mean dead. I can trust again, I can love again, I can live again!

I am looking at the challenges ahead of me and sometimes they seem a little overwhelming and then I stop for a second and realize…….

I’m still alive!

I am still one kick ass DAD!

I will survive this – I have been through worse.

AND more importantly…..

Marriage, divorce, my wife, my kids…..

None of this defines ME…

The only thing that can hold me back is….

ME

God Bless all of you and may you have a wonderful New Year!

Eric

[seeking answers]

Great post Eric! Thank you.

May the New Year bring us all peace.

[punkin]

I second Seeking's response. Great post, and much food for thought. You said the word that seems so elusive to many of us here . . .CHOOSE. Choose for yourself, not anyone else.

Leave me? He's done that. Divorce me? Maybe. Defeat me? NEVER. (insert Tarzan yell)

[Mila]

Eric - Good to have you back.....You are in a good place, what a great post....You are a survivor Eric....thanks for being an inspiration to all of us.

Looks like you have moved on and no longer standing for your M....wish you all the happiness in the world, you deserve it my friend

[kissak]

Eric, good luck to you in 2011....Like Mila said, you are an inspiration to all of us Thank you for all the advice you offer to me

[dl443322]

My sweet friend, look at you, all growed up - LOL!

That is what this journey is all about - realizing that we can only control ourselves and that we get to decide the live we are going to have.

I wish that you live the kind of life that brings you joy and contentment.

I hope that your burdens are not too heavy and that the people in your life realize just how lucky they are to know you.

Most of all, I wish that at the end of the day, you feel peace and that at the beginning you feel loved.

Always remember where you came from. NY man, we kick as@ and take names later. - LOL!

Happy New Year!

[ericmsant2]

B,

As peaceful as my post sounded and trust me everything I posted was truth in terms of what I have chosen in my life. The reality is that I am pretty angry and frustrated these past few weeks. The legal process is taking forever and as such she and I remain in the same home. I am emotionally drained and really need a break from all of this. The lies continue, her attempts to control everything continue, the button pushing continues, the manipulation continues – in some ways it has gotten worse.

I’m doing the best that I can but some days I feel like just walking out. Legally that is not the wises move. I have tried to contact my attny but with the holidays I have not heard back from her.

I have taken back the master bed room, which added some degree of peace but not enough. At this point she needs to leave as soon as possible.

Anger….and more anger is what I cycle through these days. Angry at myself and angry at the whole sitch. I know that this anger is normal and must be processed but it sure as hell is not easy. I continue to enjoy the kids but also have begun to realize that Eric too need his time.

I am constantly fighting within myself....the fight is about accepting my role in all of this and being pissed at myself for it and also pissed at her actions, speicifically as it relates to the children and the D proceedings.

Initially she agreed to a 50/50 split and agreed to have the kids come to my house on the weekdays that she worked so that I could do homework with them and make dinner for them. She agreed to this at the last meeting with the attnys.

She agreed that I would move back into the master bed room the morning of the day that I did.

She agree that we should talk to the kids about implementing the parenting plan that we agreed to at the last meeting.

Then, as you would have suspected (and stupid me…I still expected that she would be truthful and honest) she changed her mind.

Now, she claims that she did not “understand” what she agreed to regarding the 50/50 split of custody. She believe that on the days that she is working during the week that the kids should remain in her apt (whenever she moves) by themselves. We attempted to discuss this yesterday to no avail. BUT what the heck was I thinking. I had to remind myself (with some help) that right now this is about what SHE wants. My feelings/interest, the kids interest, no one interest matter but hers. I will not argue the change in her parenting plan. I will still have the kids ½ the time ASSUMING she does not change her mind tomorrow, which at this point would not shock me in the least.

Although she agreed that I would move back into the master bed room, that evening when she arrive home, she proceed to go to the master bedroom and lie down (I was downstairs with my D watching a movie). When I went upstairs, I reminded her of the agreement that we made. She actually looked at me and said “no I did not agree to that”, when I replayed the convo to her, her comment was “well I like the ways things are right now” to which I responded “I am sure that you do but I do not agree”, she then said “well I have now changed my mind and I want to stay in the master bed room”, to which I responded “I did not change my mind and only want you to honor your agreement – you are more than happy to remain in the bed but I would prefer that you not”. A stare down ensued followed by her stomping like a child out of the bed room. She went downstairs and my son witnessed her mini rant. I proceed to go downstairs and finish watching the movie with my D. Long story short, I am back in my bed and getting some much needed rest. She is now sleeping with my D in her bedroom.

Oh…it get’s better, yesterday I reminded her that she also agreed that we should sit down with the children to implement the parenting plan that we agreed on. She again changed her mind. I explained to her that it is in the children’s best interest to have a plan in place prior to her departure. Her response “I am still in the house so why change it”. I explained to her that it was less confusing for the kids and that from everything I read it was the best for them. She said it could wait. At that time my oldest son asked what was going on….Mary Ann agreed then that we should discuss the schedule with the kids. When I started to go over the calendar with the kids she started to question things like…well right now I am off on Wednesday so who will have the kids. I said to her that based on what we agreed to that I would have them on Wednesday but that I would be flexible until her schedule changed. It ended up turning into a very uncomfortable conversation because it was in this conversation that I found out she was not going to agree with her original plan of having the kids with me during the weekdays. I reminded her that this is what she agreed to and that it was written down on the same piece of paper that suggest that I would assume 90% of the debt (since she has said that I did not say this). Her response was that yes it is the debt that you incurred, my response it was debt incurred while you remained home or worked part time. The conversation was very uncomfortable and my final response to her was….going forward if you are going to continue to change what you say or agree to please communicate with me via email or via the attny.

So B, it has been one hel* of a few weeks for me. She is suddenly starting to come home at reasonable times, she is now trying to be involved with the kids a little more, which I think is good for them. The issue is really about control. She wants full control and I believe that the control regarding our children should be shared.

The kid who heard the whole conversation were clearly impacted by it. It is another reason why I believe it is best that she leave the home as soon as possible and that we begin to implement the parenting plan immediately.

[ericmsant2]

Oh....and before I forget I have to post my Christmas day issues where STBXW went off. A quick recap of some quotes...

her father believe she needs help

her mother says she is lost

her father says that she is going to have a breakdown

my Stbxw screams to me that all of this is my fault

Yeah....it was a nice christmas day.

Eric