I agree completely... Detaching is the ultimate experience for YOU. I have to tell you, I was a huge MESS when I joined DB. Anxious, tired, angry, scared, confused, stubborn. My H left Xmas eve last year and said he was never coming back, started proceedings but was called away to duty before anything ever happened. We are piecing as well, but the one very important thing I learned is that I am okay with or without him. I define who I am. I think you are on the right track. Keep focusing on you.
You already know you can't change him, only he can change himself and be prepared and exhaust the efforts to work on the marriage. You are doing great.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I am in a business that has been struggling for a couple of years; let me tell you it takes its toll. The stress is enough to hurt your R even if it is unintentional. I used to complain about my W's spending, but did not want to discuss the job w/her to keep her from worrying - my mistake. I probably should have shared more and kept her "partnership" in our R. I don't have any advice to give, but you may want to assure your H that you are standing by him for "better or worse". Beneath the passion and romance you have to have a foundation of partnership and respect for each other. My W and I lost that and became too independent of each other, and then things spiraled out of control. The OM came along just when she was having a MLC and was vulnerable. Now I have a deep hole to dig our R out of.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I can't sleep. I just found out my H has gone back to the other woman. When he did not come home tonight I drove by her apartment at 2:30am and found his car there! I am devastated! My heart is broken in so many pieces. I was/am so angry! When I got home I cut up the new shirt I had given him for Christmas. I threw some of his belongings on the garage floor. I left him a nasty note and a nasty VM telling him to plan on getting his things and getting out of this house!
I am not going to stay living in the same house with him! I do not want to see his face again I am so angry. I posted on facebook a picture I took of his car at her place and a msg letting all our friends and family know what he is doing.
He will no longer be able to deny it to anyone.
I am contacting my Attorney tomorrow and filing for divorce. I am not going to stand by and watch while my H disrespects me and our marriage. I have let him put me through too much already. I feel so dumb for letting him come back home a few months ago. I shoud've known he would do this again.
No wonder he says he doesn't feel any passion with me. He's comparing it with the new and exciting feelings for this other person. I know his relationship with her won't work out. She has kids and he can't stand kids. There fling will run its course and then what? I won't be waiting in the wings anymore.
How stupid does he think I am?! He is going to be shocked when he wakes up and turns his phone on to realize I caught him red-handed at her place. I hope he will be shaking in his boots.
The thing that really pisses me off is that he LIED. Told me he wanted a D because there was no passion and that he doesn't want to be with anyone else that he just wants to be on his own. What BS! Why continue to lie to me if you want a D then just tell me its because you want to be with OW. Why hide it?? The only thing I can think is he didn't want me to know in case he changed his mind about wanting D. He knew if he told me that there would be no chance in hell that I would take him back again.
And so much for it just being EA. He is staying the night there now so its obviously moved to PA. I am not dumb.
I can't believe how much hurt he has caused me. I had a really good cry after my fit of anger and am just feeling nothing right now.
As hard as it is to accept my Marriage is over. My H is no longer the person I married and he is no longer anybody I want to be with. I could never trust him again.
I am moving on... Here's to me starting a new life on my own! Please pray for me as I move forward as I know it will not be easy, but I am strong and can get through this.
Thank you for listening. I really needed to vent to someone.
M-34, H-37, No Kids Married 4yr, Together 6yr Discovered EA 7/24/10 Separated 8/6/10 Filed 8/16/10 H Moved home and Piecing 9/20/10 H returns to OW 12/10 EA was really PA I file 12/29/10 I move out 12/30/10
HBM - I am so SORRY and I know you are hurt and angry. We are here for you. Venting here is good. I have been where you are. I must just caution you on acting out in anger toward your H. I KNOW that may sound strange because he appears not to be committed to working on the M. Considering all that have been through and learned over this last 12 months, I would have waited to speak to him before leaving him the VM. I understand, you found his car at the OW at 2:30, you believe that he has betrayed your M for the last time...
I am not saying to be a doormat, but to get the facts (as much of it as possible) before reacting. My H did the exact same thing, I drove over to where he was living and reacted a little "insanely" to say the least. Yes, I cut up clothes, tore up pictures, called the OW --- However, NONE of that helped me feel better or helped me to take of me. THAT is what detaching do for me...helped me to take care of ME. It can do the same for you. I know that you have been through this once before. How long ago was that?
I am not at all trying to dismiss what your feeling or the very disrespectful way your H is treating you. I just want to look at detachment as a way for you to gain a broader perspective of yourself.
My H and I will have been living apart for 1 year on Xmas eve. This is not a 1 month, 2 month or even 6 month process. When our lives and connections with our spouses have been broken, it can take years to rebuild, that is if it is even possible. "Patience is a virtue", I really believe that and let me tell you, it took me some time to come to this point.
Be good to yourself, vent here all you want. Don't give your H a justification for his actions.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Thank you for the advice. I understand what you are saying. I am done acting "crazy". I got it out of my system now. I have no desire to stay married to him any longer.
The EA started at end of July 2010. He moved out to a male friend's house 8/6/10. He came back home 9/16/10 saying he loved me, missed me etc. and had cut off all contact with OW. This past week he started telling me he wanted a D again. I now know it is because he is talking to her again.
I am tired of being his doormat. He came home after work tonight and ate food that I cooked. Not for him but for myself and he just helped himself to the leftovers without even asking. Then tells me he has to go back to work at 7:30pm and never comes home. What a joke! He is a fool if he thinks I am going to waste anymore time on him.
I know we are suppose to be saving our marriages on here, but I have been through enough since July. I am done. I just need support now to move on and get through the pain.
I emailed my resume to my old boss who told me previously she would have a job for me if I ever needed it. As soon as I secure a new job I am moving back to my hometown 3 hrs. away. I believe that will be best for me and allow me to move on. Having to be in the same house and see his face everyday is not going to work!
M-34, H-37, No Kids Married 4yr, Together 6yr Discovered EA 7/24/10 Separated 8/6/10 Filed 8/16/10 H Moved home and Piecing 9/20/10 H returns to OW 12/10 EA was really PA I file 12/29/10 I move out 12/30/10
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Thanks. I am making plans to move back to my hometown as I write this. I have called my Atty to file D. He finally admitted to me that he had slept with OW prior to me taking him back in Sept. too. I am DONE DONE DONE DONE!!
He is leaving to see his sister today and won't be back until Dec. 30th. I am planning to have my stuff packed and moved out by the time he returns. Lucky for me I have friends and family that will help me out until I can get find another job.
Thanks for the prayers. I definitely need lots of them right now. I feel like my heart has been ripped out my chest and stomped on! It is most awful feeling in the world.
M-34, H-37, No Kids Married 4yr, Together 6yr Discovered EA 7/24/10 Separated 8/6/10 Filed 8/16/10 H Moved home and Piecing 9/20/10 H returns to OW 12/10 EA was really PA I file 12/29/10 I move out 12/30/10
I probably saw my H for one of the last times yesterday. I am moving out of the house and back to my hometown 3 hours away before he returns home from Christmas break on Dec. 30th.
When he comes home me and all my stuff will be gone. We had already discussed division of furniture in the past. Smaller household items I will just divide myself. The house is going to be pretty empty though because as the woman of the house most of the decorating and wall hangings were mine.
I am imagine he will start to get very lonely after awhile being in this big partily empty house by himself. I do not plan on contacting him unless its absolutely necessary such as to discuss finances, listing house on the market, etc.
I am still feeling so sad and disappointed about the loss of my marriage. I never wanted things to end this way. I am glad I took him back and gave him a second chance tho because atleast I can look back and say that I did everything I could to save our marriage.
Today I am finishing up my Christmas shopping and spending time with family. I am trying to focus on all the positive things I have in my life.
Is there a different forum that I should move to focused on people moving on with their life during/after divorce?
M-34, H-37, No Kids Married 4yr, Together 6yr Discovered EA 7/24/10 Separated 8/6/10 Filed 8/16/10 H Moved home and Piecing 9/20/10 H returns to OW 12/10 EA was really PA I file 12/29/10 I move out 12/30/10
We have the Surviving the Big D forum and the Divorced but not Done forum.
Are you sure you want to do this? Two weeks from now you might feel differently? I'm not saying you should stay, I'm just asking. You are at a pivot point.
I feel like I don't have a choice. If I stay at the house he is not going to have any respect for me. How can I respect myself and stay living at the house with him while he is having a PA, not coming home at night sometimes, etc. He told me he wants a D. He is refusing to move out of the house. If I move out, I am moving back to my hometown which is 3 hours away. That is where my family/friends are and where me and my H used to live before his job relocation.
If I stay, he is just going to continue to disrespect me and think he can continue to treat me this way and that I am just going to be waiting in the wings. Not to mention, this is the second time he has done this to me. He moved out back in August and had PA with this woman. I let him come back home at the end of Sept. when he started missing me and said he still loved me and was done with her. Now 3 mos. later he has resumed things with her and is wanting a D again.
It seems like it is time for me to move on and focus on ME. If down the road he realizes he made a mistake and wants to be with me again he can move to where I am at and prove to me through his actions that he wants to be with me. It would take awhile for me to trust him again, but if he was willing to move to where I am at it would help as he would be 3 hrs. away from OW and I would be more convinced that he is done with her.
I guess at this point I just can't keep putting my life on hold while I wait for him to figure things out again.
If he was willing to move out I would stay at our house until it sold and the D was final, but living in the same house with him while he has PA is something I can't handle. I would be miserable!
Does this make sense?
M-34, H-37, No Kids Married 4yr, Together 6yr Discovered EA 7/24/10 Separated 8/6/10 Filed 8/16/10 H Moved home and Piecing 9/20/10 H returns to OW 12/10 EA was really PA I file 12/29/10 I move out 12/30/10
