punkin - liking your analogy of the rabbit in the tunnel
SA - I think that H is more confused about his feelings for me then he is able to admit even to himself....
Glam -
Quote:
"communicate" better... Oh my gosh Mila I think those were my h's exact words too about MC
...isn't that interesting. Question: When you were going to MC was your H involved with any OW?
GAG - I'm thinking that while my H is "in love" with OW he will not allow himself to explore any feelings for me even with a good therapist....that would be like cheating on OW....as for his depression....I believe that he thinks that he is depressed because of "what he has done"....he doesn't realize that he has done this because he was already depressed....Am I making sense?
Update:
Last week when I had that good day with H visiting his dad I mentioned that I was sad that after 35 years of being a family his sister never contacted me since H left... Well she called me yesterday....obviously H mentioned it to her. She apologized and said that she knows that she should have called me, but it was hard....I said that I understand. We talked about families...avoiding the subject of H and what he has done. I didn't say much about H, just that I'm concerned about him, that he seems unhappy...she is a psychologist, so I thought that she would recognize the signs of depression....if she did, she didn't let on...she only said "I'm sure that he is sad...this is a hard thing to go through for both of you...especially you...be strong and hang in there"...She only knows H's "truth". It was hard not to tell her "my side" of what he has done and how he's treated me...but I didn't..."taking the high road"....also remembered that they welcomed him and OW when he took her there for a visit....must be hard for her too...she is his sister and will try to support him.
Also got an email from H yesterday re SA "Here is an invoice from my lawyer. I have his feedback, just don’t have the energy to deal with it now... Please send him the payment. Thank you"
Another email....asking me for Xmas ornaments...wants to come over and go through them and take some so he can decorate his tree...I said that's fine with me
Called me yesterday and wanted to talk about Xmas ....said that he would like the presents to D to be from the both of us and that he would like to open presents with D. Asked me what we are doing on Xmas eve...I told him that I will keep the same traditions as every year....sounded to me a bit as if he was fishing that maybe he wanted to be invited, I didn't say anything...then he said that he wanted to spend time with D so maybe he will have her for dinner on the 26th. I said that's fine and asked...at your apartment? (knowing that OW is in town) he said don't know yet, maybe there, maybe I'll take her out.... Should I invite him for Xmas Eve?
Received another email I am upset with D. I wanted her to come on Thursday for dinner, she wouldn’t even consider changing her plans so she could come.... But when she needs something...!!!
then D comes to me later and said "Dad is acting so weird, he wanted me to come for dinner on Thursday but I already had plans and he got so mad at me".
I think that I know why he was so upset....Thursday was the last day he could see her before OW comes....because D & I are going away for a ski weekend (that upsets him as well, because he always loved to go as a family) and then OW arrives...the pattern is that he tries to see D close to before OW arrives or before he flies out to see OW.
And....I had a "date" last night with a really nice guy that I've met recently. Just couple of glasses of wine and a nice conversation...it was fun.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Good for you re the date, Mila. Your H is slowly finding out about the reality of a broken family, I think. I'm not sure if you should invite him for Christmas Eve ... it might be uncomfortable???? Also, the gift giving ... sharing the gift to D. Say what? Did I read that correctly? I wouldn't share the gift. This is one of the very few things kids do get out of D's .... getting more stuff, so why deny your D. Let her have two gifts.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thank you Being, I actually would be OK if he came for Xmas Eve...if we would interact the same way as when we visited his dad, that is....he was almost like the old H. I wouldn't be doing it for him, but for D. And if he acepts that would mean that the OW would sit in his appartment all by herself...added bonus hehehe. And if he declines because of OW, he will feel bad about himself and maybe that will make him think about what he is giving up.
Yes it is weird that he suggested that all the gifts would be from US...I wasn't planning on it, I already bought her presents and he did buy one also...but it's OK with me....I guess it's good that he is still holding on to the idea of US, why discourage it?
Actually I received an email from H today asking me and D to go and visit his dad with him at Xmas. Also added that we should talk about gifts for his dad and his wife. For the past 33 years I was the one taking care of that, coming up with ideas and shopping for all the gifts for everyone, sending cards, organizing everything....looks like he wants my help again. So he will have the OW sitting in his apartment, while he takes his family to visit his dad....isn't that weird? Wonder what OW will think about that....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Maybe she's sitting along in the apartment, (insert evil laugh) or maybe she's not. Either way, it's a win/win for you and D.
I, too, have been the one to always pick out and buy the presents. Guess he has her to do that now. He neglected 3 grandsons at Halloween. Wonder if he'll do the same at Christmas. They belong to the daughters that won't deal with him.
My presents were bought last Jan-Feb on his dime, BUT they only have my name on them as From ( insert wildly evil laugh)
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Not only will OW be sitting at H's place (or maybe she'll be outside of FIL's place, peeking through the windows????), BUT she will no doubt sense his change of attitude after the visit.
Fill your house with old, familiar Christmasy smells, sights, and sounds for H's visit. Even better if you can give H some of those to take back to his place. Every time he looks at them it will be a reminder of you and D. When H and I were splitting our assets, Jody told me to show a generous spirit. I gave H a couple pieces of framed art photographs, even though I loved them, because I knew that every time he looked at them he would think of some of the good times that we shared. Those generous, sentimental gifts are like little, secret time-delayed explosive devices (sorry Punkin. I'm sure there is another term for these......). They sit inside our WAS' home and when they least expect it, they pierce the WAS' heart.
Christmas is such a weird time for all of us going through this. My H took our kids christmas shopping for his family, brought all the gifts back to my house and our daughter wrapped them and they are all sitting under my tree instead of his or his new OW. Just strange. I dont think I would give my H any ornaments off my tree for his! lol, well, maybe the broken ones!
Glad you had a date with a new friend Mila. Its nice to be able to meet other people and to know that other men would be willing to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Mila my h did have ow during MC. He was good at lying. Even though deep inside I suspeted otherwise. I wanted to believe the person I loved and married was telling me the truth. It took him 6 weeks after he returned home to finally tell the truth and remove the mask he was wearing.
I still think the MC helped though. It was a time for us to discuss how we were feeling and next steps. Again, if you go do not have any expectations.
Kissack is right the holidays are a weird time. Now my h went into hibernation during Christmas and would resurface when it was all over. I always took the high road and invited him for Eve and Christmas day. He never showed nor did he answer any calls, texts etc with the exception of last Christmas Eve when he suprisingly came and celebrated with my sis, kids and I. I think he was nearing the end of his crisis at this time too. Hence he was home early May.
If you do invite, you have to NOT have any expectations of anything or any feelings of it meaning anything. This was always the hard part for me. I wanted to be kind and inviting, but then I also was left to deal with my own hurts, pain, and expectations when he didn't call or follow through. It was a delicate balance that I did NOT always do well at.
As far as gifts from the both of you, my h always wanted it that way too. Your h doesn't seem like he really wants to end the marriage or at least from an outside perspective it doesn't seem that way. Seems like he is still trying to keep things as normal for your D as possible while still trying to stay involved.
Try to remember these are selfish, confused, damaged WAS's that are really depressed when you peel back the layers. That is what I have seen anyway.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Well girls and boys I've invited H to spend Xmas Eve with us. To start from the beginning...H came over because he wanted to divide our Xmas decorations so he can do his tree...I wasn't trilled about it because I was collecting these for years and our tree has a very distinct style, but I was cheerful and welcoming when he came. I did say, "I didn't expect you asking for the Xmas decorations, but go ahead take whatever you want, If I won't have enough to decorate our tree I'll get some more. As he was bringing all the boxes into the kitchen I offered to make him a latte and he accepted....as I was making it he was right beside me looking through the boxes and picking out my favorite decorations...I didn't stop myself in time and said "you are taking all the best ones....H got ruffled, but not much "How am I taking the best ones, see you still have nice ones left" then I said sorry I shouldn't have said anything, I just love those, but they are only things, so really take anything you want, I mean it"....but he said that he is finished....so didn't he take that much. As he was sipping his latte, he was eying the pumpkin bread that I have made, asked if he wanted a piece....of course he did... and then he was going on how good it was...Also managed to compliment me on my new sweater that I was wearing, and as he did, he was "feeling" the material and my arm lol....
Later I said "You are welcome to come and join us for Xmas Eve if you like, I think that it would be good for D, you don't have to decide now, but let me know". H got quite emotional and had a hard time holding back the tears...when he recovered he said "I was expecting you to invite me when we last talked, but you didn't...I thought that we would celebrate events like Holidays and birthdays together as a family"....I said (nicely) "You were expecting it?"....he was looking for words and then said "Well actually I should have said I was hoping that you would invite me"...He accepted my invitation....
Second issue was him wanting us to go visit his dad as a family. I said that I was going to go and see FIL with D anyway, so if he wants us to go all together that's fine. He said "it would be good for my dad to see us all together"....We are going on Thursday.
Looks like OW will be alone in his apartment on Thursday and Xmas Eve as well....while he is with his family...anybody else thinks that this is weird?
I really think that my H wants to have it all...family and OW.....
Oh yes and he calls me later because he "forgot" to talk about presents for his dad and family. H asked for my help and I said sure lets divide it, you buy your dad's (he didn't buy his dad a present in 33 years, I always did) and I'll buy for his wife....first he said OK, and then started, I don't know his size, are you by any chance going to the mall, maybe you can look and see if you find something for him, If not I'll go.....grrrr....I said fine...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I think you hit the nail on the head in saying that your H wants it all. What in the world does he think that divorce is? That after it is done that everyone will be one big happy family?
Your H is still deeply in the tunnel and somehow he doesn't realize what this all will mean. I wonder if the thought that someday D could have a stepfather has even crossed his mind?
Well, I truly wonder how the ow will react when she's left sitting in the apartment while H is out spending time with his wife and child. I wonder if he'll even tell her that's what he's doing. Well leaving her on Christmas Eve won't be a hard one to figure out. LOL It may make for some unhappy holidays for them.
It's possible she could get very resentful that she's not spending the holiday with her own children so that she could be there with H. He turns around and leaves her alone to go spend it with you and D. Potential powder keg there! LOL
It sounds like you may have some very interesting times coming up...
