Hi Di- Sorry I haven't been around. I've been crazy busy...with kids, work, house and my STBXH if something doesn't happen soon. It probably is a good thing I have been so busy or I would be pushing my H to $hit or get off the pot...again. Our D is still on track to be final next month. I have made a few comments to my H about it. He has responded with things like "I don't think about it" or "All it takes is for me to file something to stop it".
We have been getting all very well with a few little hiccups caused by my kids...they are teenagers after all and only his step kids...not a good mix with some in MLC! It makes it all so complicated and it makes me still question if I want him to come back. My H even told me he wouldn't have an issue moving back if the kids were gone. Now my D17 and S19 will be gone soon...my S still needs to get his academic act together but says he is working on it...if that happens, they both could be gone by the end of next summer. Regardless, my kids and I are a package deal...just like he was with his D who I helped raise and didn't run away when things got tough. So his attitude kind of annoys me but, that being said, I do see things getting better with my H. He and my D had a stupid little tiff the other night and my H did not run away like he would have in the past. I understand that his patience is somewhat limited but that is an improvement since he hasn't had any patience in the last 4 years.
My H and I had a little one night get away last weekend. We had a great time even though I can still see that my H has issues where he wants everything his way...However, I am learning to call him on things where as in the past, I would have internalized it. If I do call him on it, he does at least does acknowledge my point.
I do notice that my H is trying to take better care of himself for a change...getting exercise and eating better...a sign that the depression cloud is lifting.
So, as we get down to the wire, things should get interesting. I truly believe he wants the D less than I do...maybe in the end, the piece of paper doesn't mean that much to him but I am sure the relationship does. They both mean something to me too but I know will be okay with whatever happens.
Glad to read that things are still moving in a forward fashion you sound good and focused I really believe this may turn out good for you so your patience will pay off
4 years-I was thinking about this the other day I cant beleive how fast it has gone and how much has changed peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Things still seem to be going well with my H. He seems to be quite comfortable and relaxed at my house now and is staying here more often than not. I could tell before when my H was starting to get uneasy and I am not seeing that very often anymore. He is making more of an effort to be part of a relationship being kind, more considerate and affectionate...he is even participating with my kids more. It all seems pretty normal however, I have given up talking to him about moving back in with us and nothing has been done to stop the divorce...at this point, I am not sure I want anything to change. First, I know what happens when I push so I don't want to go down that road again. Second, I wonder if my H moved back, would he just get anxious again and runaway. Third, and most important, my H has never been the most responsible with money and the crisis has not helped that. He owes me money for taxes I have paid for him. I don't want to be responsible for his future debts and if we remain married, I will be responsible. During our marriage, I handled the finances and things were fine but I now know he resented not having control of what he felt was his money. Obviously, we can't go back to me controlling all of the finances. I am torn because I do value marriage and I want to teach my children to value marriage but...??? My H is a good man and I believe he has every intention of paying his bills and paying me back however, he does not budget. Even though he owes me money, it does not stop him from spending the money he has. He may not pay me back for a long time and I don't want add anymore of a burden on to our relationship. Three weeks from today we will be divorced unless we file papers to stop it...I'm not sure what to do.
Mila-My H went into crisis around 4 years ago and I know of no OW. I do not believe there was one but there is really no way for me to ever know for sure. My H always said that an OW was the last thing he needed. As far as I know, his bandaids were work, gambling, spending money.
peace-Yes, it amazing how quickly the time has gone by. In the beginning, I was counting the days, then weeks then months...now none of it matters. I am happy with me no matter what happens with my marriage. I have learned so much through this experience and it has, without a doubt, helped to make me a better, stronger and more compassionate person and for that, I am grateful.
I always come here when I need comfort and understanding...I am in need of those things now...
Originally Posted By: Cadet
So now I will ask a really silly question.
If you get divorced(or do nothing) is anything going to change?
This was far from a silly question. I really though I would be okay with whatever happened and I will be however, there is more pain to get through before I'm done.
I will be divorced in a few days eventhough my H says he loves me and wants to be with me. The marriage itself doesn't seem to matter so much to him and the more I bring up the divorce, the more he pushes back. He seems committed to the relationship but says he does not want to be obligated to spend every night with me...he says he needs to be able to have space for his own mental health. I have made it clear that I want a husband/companion that wants to be with me every night. So my H now feels we want different things and it won't work. I have tried to discuss compromise but he says he doesn't want to play the "what if game". Last night I got so frustrated, I lost it and talked about ending things again for the umpteenth time. He pulled back and I got emotional...can I blame the holidays and my hormones? Ha! I'm trying not to kick myself too hard...I have been so good for soooo long and I just couldn't hold it in. Now I feel like crap for reacting and just because I'm in pain again. I know I will recover quickly...I will be fine regardless of what happens now.
My H and I are supposed to talk tonight. I have run different scenarios through my head and I keep coming back to accepting the divorce and continue the relationship with the help of a councelor. Is this because I just want to avoid the pain? I really do believe that if I move on that someday I will find someone who is more compatible with me and they will want most of the same things I want...and then I think I don't want to go through all that $hit again. I'm lost and confused. I love my H and I am happier with him than without him however, I'm not happy accepting everything on his terms.
I need help trying to figure out how to navigate my way through this mess...
I also have to say that it has been difficult when thinking we will be together but divorced....I have lots of people who tell me I deserve better...not to mention what my message I would be sending to my children. This is all so crazy and not what I ever wanted. I am a very traditional type person who just wanted a normal stable marriage...I thought that is what I signed up for but he did the bait and switch...I'm so confused!!!
Upside - I am so sorry you are going through this - how difficult. This "cake-eating" life that your H is seeking appears to be good for only one person - him. That being said - I'm not sure what MWD might say on this situation. The "Love Must Be Tough" book by Dr. Dobson indicates that we MUST said firm boundaries regarding what is right and wrong and not allow cake-eating. I remember one poster here who said that unless H was all in - there was no R.
I would hate for you to feel "bullied" into something you weren't comfortable with.
I'm probably not the best to give advice - but I hear your confusion.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Upside sorry you are still dealing with all of this. You will decide when enough is enough. I know for me that day finally came. I felt freedom and was actually looking forward to my new life and didn't really think about my h much anymore.
It was at that time too, I told my h that my life was moving in another direction. Now, I did not ask him to come home at that time I just let him know what I was going to be doing and that our current R or whatever it was we were doing was done.
Well, about 45 days later he waltzed in the door and has been home since. Now I am not saying for you to take my advice, only saying that you will know what you want or are willing to tolerate. I just knew for me I wanted and expected more and really had to move on for myself.
I hope you can sort through all of this and find some peace with your situation.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
