First, I'd like to gently suggest that you stick to one thread. Pick one and continue to post your questions to it, even if you have no responses in between. It will be easier for us to follow your story.
Going dark means limiting communication with your H as much as you can. It's a tool you use to remove yourself from the emotional ups and downs that inevitably follow contact with your H in the beginning. It allows you to step back, take a breath and regroup. It gives you space to learn what may be happening to your H, to collect your thoughts about how you want to proceed, and about what you need and want going forward. If you feel you need that space and time, consider going as dark as you can. Do not initiate contact with your H unless it's an emergency. Respond to his contact only if you must, and only about the most important things you still share -- finances and kids.
As to your second thread / question, I suggest you not worry about that now. Protect yourself in every way, work on yourself, read the resources, learn everything you can about what you are dealing with. If and when the time comes that you need the answers to those questions, you will be in a much better place to answer them for yourself.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
How does one know when the MLC spouse is sincere about working it out and being trust worthy again? They seem to repeat the pattern over & over again. Who could ever trust them? And why would you when they have cheated and lied over & over again ?
As far as whether or not you should trust your H, I agree with Twink also. Protect yourself first. If you see a pattern that keeps coming up and you don’t think anything has changed, then pull back. It may not fix it, but it will give you time to look at what has happened. Perspectives change dramatically once you get some emotional distance. That takes time and work, and you can’t really just decide to make it happen. When the anger faded to the background; that was when I knew I was ‘really’ detaching from my H. At that point EVERYTHING started to look different.
I can't say it any better than Zen and Twink have. Going dark gives you time to heal. Having contact with my H has always been a source of anxiety and pain and bitterness that poured out of me and made me crazy. It was too much, too soon. You have no objectivity when your heart is broken.
It accomplishes two things. One, to give your H time to bake, so to speak, which you CANNOT help him with, and two, gives you some peace in your life.
For me, Dark was always better. Still is.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
