Hi. I was sent here by a friend whose brother used these forums when he was going through a divorce. I'll try to be brief but still give some information. I'm afraid it might be too late for me to save anything but I absolutely am in need of support.
I am a 35 year old woman married to a 29 year old man. We married right before his 21st birthday and have been married for 8 years. He has always been an old soul and the age difference was never an issue. Anyone that knew us thought it was a perfect match.
So, at the end of October he told me on Monday afternoon after a great weekend together that he no longer wanted to be married. He said he didn't want it for his life. He said that I was a fantastic wife and if he wanted to be married then he would only want to be married to me. However, he wanted to live his life alone.
From that moment on he turned pretty cold. We shared a car that his father had given us and he told me we would no longer be sharing it. We live in Los Angeles and it's pretty hard to get around without a car. This came at a time when my freelance graphic design work was very slow. I had no where to really go and no real options. My friends were few. So, I had to go to my parents house in Kansas. It might have been a mistake to leave but I did as I felt like I didn't have any options.
While I was away for about a month, he only called me once and that was on my birthday. He remained cold and seemingly uncaring. I called him only two other times regarding an email and to ask about coming back and starting therapy. He sent me an email that told me that while I was gone it was proved that he was making the right choice and that he was happier with out me.
Of course I am and was destroyed. Like so many people say, the man I knew was gone. I realized that I had gained some strength from my family but that I had to come back to California and fight for my marriage.
I came back on a weekend where he was away in Vegas with his dad. So I was here for a few days before he came back. He came back just in time to pick me up and go to our first therapy session. He made it clear that the session was to facilitate the end of the relationship and not to save it. He was cold and unfeeling. And yet, still can't really explain beyond "I don't want marriage as part of my life."
I've been back here for about 3 weeks and we have attended therapy twice. The last session he was asked to tell me what he would miss about me and it was the first time I saw emotion. He still tells me he loves me, calls me by pet names and yet is totally adamant that he is no longer going to remain married.
He has removed his wedding rings. He has only stayed at our apartment a few times since I have been back and even then we slept in different rooms. He had to come by the apartment to work at times (he is freelance too) and wasn't very kind.
A friend wrote him an email calling him out on his brashness and cold behavior to me and that actually prompted him to text me and apologize for having been cruel and uncaring.
Over the last week we have had some serious talks. Our prenup has been brought out to be read over. I have told him the changes I have seen in him and he really tried to listen. I had a very bad breakdown one morning and he showed up at the house to work and unfortunately witnessed it. I was trying to be strong in front of him but I couldn't do it this day. It seemed to shake him up and after he had left he kept texting me how sorry he was to be putting me through this. He has even asked to come over once and when walking in the door he has dropped to his knees and grabbed my legs crying while apologizing for doinng this to me. He says I don't deserve it and that I did nothing wrong and that he knows i would do anything to save this marriage but he just doesn't want to do it.
When I told him how scared I was he was prompted to admit he is very scared too. He said he is terrified he is making the wrong decision and that he will mess up his life. However, he sees that the fact that he is willing to risk losing me and my family (they love and support him more than his own family) is a sign that it is the right choice.
He had a very lonely childhood and was only recently realizing that he is carrying around some issues with that. He has also had a hard time dealing some jobs he lost this year. He works a lot at a job that is not his dream while he still chases that dream. The jobs he lost were his dream jobs and not his everyday work job.
This passed year I see that I have become increasingly insecure. He was getting a lot of attention on two social media websites and was garnering a lot of fans that made me feel replaced. I feel like he was searching for the attention of these "followers" and virtual strangers instead of relying on me to give him that attention. Although he says he doesn't care about these people but he tweets and stuff a very large amount everyday so it does actually matter to him.
He had to go out of town until tomorrow but has told me that he is moving to our friend Rusty's apartment on Thursday. I guess it's over. I took my rings off in a fit of total despair but now I am wishing I hadn't. Doesn't seem like something I can take back.
It seems to me like this is a midlife crisis but I have no idea. Our therapist actually said he needed therapy alone. Also, I'm not sure he will go back to therapy with me again. He wants to go but maybe only on his own.
I have no hope right now. I'm sad and empty and am having a really hard time even eating and doing normal tasks. My family is starting to worry about me. I'm starting to worry about myself.
Sorry if this is too long or posted in the wrong spot. I tried to lurk all day before I was approved so I could be ready.
I got a text from him today saying he would be coming to our apartment at 9pm to gather some stuff to be gone from the apartment for the weekend. The apartment he was temporarily moving into has hit a few snags.
I'm not sure I can do this. I am so sad and empty and am afraid I just need to leave again. I don't have anyone to lean on here and I feel like I am in a spiral that I can not pull myself out of without care and love from my family.
I dont' know if leaving for a few weeks will make me stronger or weaker. I'm so confused.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with him when he come to the apartment tonight to get some things? I seems the other place to stay has fallen through so he is back to staying with a friend for the weekend.
I'm not doing well at all. I'm scared and I want to fight but I'm just confused.
I'm going to keep posting in the hopes that someone sees this. I'm so scared and so alone and I'm not sure what to do.
He came over last night and after reading some threads here I tried to take advice. He was only coming to get some clothes but I had myself looking nice. I answered the door with a smile. I had dinner made (for myself but enough to share) and I tried to be upbeat and not talk about the relationship. He lingered longer than usual. Talked nicely to me. Sat down for dinner and when he left he hugged me longer and kissed me on the cheek near my mouth.
He said he loved me (which he has never stopped but I think he just wants me to be is best friend) and then blew kisses as he was leaving. I sent him with leftovers in the hopes that he would think of me again in a positive way again today.
PS. is there anyway to edit out the friend's name in my first post where he was going to stay? I don't want to be found.
You need to buy the Divorce Remedy book and start reading it ASAP.
And until you get the book....read and FOLLOW this list.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Here you go:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Firstly welcome, I am sorry that you find yourself here but I am pleased to 'meet' you. I can really relate to your experience and your husbands coldness towards you. I am 29 and my (now) exh is 28 and behaved in exactly the same way as your h. Please don't let my divorced status discourage you, my exh and I are now on good terms and it was my decision to get divorced due to various circumstances.
When my exh first left he was extremely cold towards me. I found it very confusing and hurtful. I thought it was my fault, although I couldn't work out what I had done. I later found out that the reasons for his coldness were mainly guilt and confusion. He still cared deeply for me but could not reconcile that with his actions, the coldness was just a coping mechanism to justify his actions. Try not to take it personally.
I managed to turn his coldness around though and it took of patience and the most important ingrediant, self control. He was terrified that I was going to talk about the relationship and emotionally charged things. So I know it goes against everything you want to do but you have to stop all relationship talks. My exh and I actually bonded over the sale of our house, that was when we started meeting and going for dinner etc again as I was self controlled and showed only positive emotion.
They feel an intense amount of guilt, more than they can really handle so to get things back to a point where you can talk again you need to minimize that guilt.
What I did that worked - stopped all relationship talks - was upbeat and 'happy' in his presence and showed only positive emotions. - stopped all the begging, pleading and I love you's.
My exh now is actively the one who wants to stay in touch with me, he emails me (I am travelling abroad) every month or less. This was a guy who would not speak to me, not text or email, or telephone. He really was a stubborn case, so you can do this.
This board is a great source of support. Post on others threads, even if you feel shy to, and you will build up a great support network for yourself that I could not have got through this without.
I'll pop back and check on you but in the meantime if you have any questions, or situations that arise, post them here and we will try and help.
Thank you guys for the responses. I have been away. We had a traumatic experience the last few weeks.
We lost a very close friend a week and a half ago. He and his wife and the two of us were a 4some for years. I had to call to tell him that our friend had passed and couldn't find him. When I finally did, he was in Mexico. I'm sure he wasn't alone but I could not physically or emotionally deal with more.
He came home and stayed with me for the week while we helped our friend plan her husbands funeral. He was very kind to me. We slept next to each other on the floor and when I would wake up crying he would roll over and comfort me. Very often he kissed me on the lips when we would say goodbye or one of us needed a hug. He referred to me as his wife in the eulogy. The two of us were with her pretty constantly and did everything we could which meant putting aside all the bad and focus on just getting each other through it along with our friend.
It was sad to see the man I knew for 10 years show up again but know that I would have to say goodbye to him again and not know who I would meet on the other side. I tried to keep my heart at a distance but it was a very sad and emotional time.
He took me to the airport at 5am to go visit my family for the holidays. He told me he loved me numerous times which I already knew.
He told me that if I was asked to visit his family over the holidays that I should and could go without him feeling weird (he isn't going to be there) and that he wouldn't deny anyone a moment of my time since I am special.
All of this points to the fact that he loves me but he just doesn't want to be married. It's a sad fact. He told me that he knows he will never find anyone that can live up to me and has said that I am his best friend.
It's so confusing. I'm moving out after the new year and starting a job that will probably give me a lifestyle that he won't even be able to afford at this point.
I don't know what to think or do at this point. I hoping to get the book tomorrow. It's been a sad time and I haven't been able to focus on pulling myself together.
I'm so sorry, coldwinds. I've had an awful lot of loss in my life too, and it never gets easier.
You know, if you want to go to his family's just go. And enjoy it--embrace the love.
I came to this board two relationships after my divorce. The first relationship after my divorce with with a man who became my brother. His daughters became like daughters or nieces to me, our daughters were best friends in kindergarten. His exW had problems, but I came to love her as a friend too. He died 5 years ago of melanoma. We are all still 'family.
Life and relationships are complicated/messy. If he has to be disconnected, keep the connections you have. It's love. It all comes full circle. Don't sweat the details.
I am thankful and I love that 'the coach' (not to be confused with Coach or the DB coaches' on the board) isn't remotely jealous, has a wonderfully open heart and can embrace all of this. He's a good man.
I don't think you have to think about it too much. Just be in the present. Try to be happy.
I'm praying for you.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
