Finding my way...

[punkin]

Zen,

You learning well, grasshopper. I understand completely when you say that you know it, but you don't KNOW it. That's the part where we do the most damage to ourselves. Trying to think what WE did to cause THEIR craziness. Damn we are good. Control the world, without even knowing.

All my mind reading went into being married to an alcoholic. Feel the air and the mood before speaking. That sort of thing.

And yes, you have to stop that.

BYW, I admire your quote from Winston Churchill. There is so much truth in that.

Have a good day Zen.

[hope for zen]

Ahh, here i am less than 24 hours from my last post, and guess what! I feel responsible for how my H feels! Again!

This is so annoying. At least I see myself doing it this time.

Have dinner with D & H tonight to break up her 1st 3-day daddy marathon. Coincidentally got an emailed $30 gift certificate to Benihana's for their b-day club. Thought it might be fun, and we hadn't decided what to do for dinner, so I asked H what he thought.

His original idea was McDonnald's, but he said sure. Then he starts going on about what a hard day D has had. I ask if he is sure, because I don't want to make this a difficult night, McD's if ok, really. We go back and forth, just getting frustrated with each other. D starts fussing, H is getting short with both of us, we hang up so he can untangle D from the computer cords.

I pace for a bit and decide to call H back. Tell him really, lets do McD's because I just want tonight to be easy, not a big production. He says (sounding much calmer) no, Benihana's will be fine. We will meet at 6.

I have been repeating my new mantra ever since:

I am not responsible for my H’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.

I am not responsible for my H’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.

I am not responsible for my H’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.

Anyway, I’m gonna’ DB, act as if, and all that. I am going to do my best to make tonight to be fun and easy. I just want to be with my girl and have fun.

Wish me luck!

[hope for zen]

I successfully relaxed before I got there and let go of trying to make H happy. I survived dinner, and even feel pretty good about it.

I got to see my girl. She did great btw. D was amazed by the cooking display and we all had a good time. She was sleepy, apparently had fallen asleep briefly on the way over. She did ask to go home with me a few times, but I went over the schedule with her and she did ok. My girl did NOT cry when we went to our separate cars.

H is coming on Sunday to put up the tree with us. I told him he was welcome to join us with putting up the tree this weekend. He said he didn’t think I would want him around. I told him we would love it if he came, but knew he didn’t like the holidays and didn’t want to force him to do anything he didn’t want to.

He said he could be over from 12-3 and would like to help.

He also wants to go shopping with us at some point. Got a gift card offer and asked if there was anything he needed. Not really sure if I invited him or the other way around. The day isn’t set though, so its only a maybe.

There were some good things that came out of tonight. Nothing to get excited about, but good. I’m not expecting anything either. Just want to do what I can for me and my girl. H is his own problem. Hope he gets himself figured out someday.

The trick with seeing H more again will be not to pursue. Still want distance, so I guess if I don’t feel like I want to chase maybe I will do ok.

[irishblessings]

Zen -
Sounds like a very good interaction. Focus as much as you can on D and anything other than H. I really believe that giving him space and as little attention as possible for ALL of you! JMO!
IB

[25yearsmlc]

what Irish said...leave him alone and focus ONLY on D....

Your h is pretty much in such a patterned script, and it's just not a healthy one. So, detach as much as possible from him. He's not in a good place and he's trying so hard to drag you back into his vortex whenever he has doubts, which will be OFTEN. Don't go there. Just be a working mom for now. Really, isn't that enough for now?

You are NOT responsible for his feelings/actions or thoughts. (Say it out loud to yourself a dozen times before you see him. Seriously).

YOU, & ONLY YOU, ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS & YOUR LIFE. TAKE CHARGE OF IT...and show your girl that she's in charge of hers. Don't let anyone else interfere in your life. Set that boundary and keep it. And as you know, please, do not pursue him.

If he changes dramatically AND wants back into the marriage, he'll let you know. Nothing less than total clarity & commitment from him is what you'd need to even think of a reconciliation, so why even bother reading into any of his other behaviors? Life is short....so short. D3 will grow fast. Let her see you in a process of growth towards zestful living.

Don't let her grow up believing that someone else can determine whether she'll have a good day, or that someone else's mood or failures will determine HERS...b/c they should not. How do you do this? You do this by modelling it for her.

Sending positives your way for the coming month.

(( ))

[warriorshadow]

Hi Zen,
What an awesome post you put on Cat4554's thread! I am really

stunned when I see the women here post the way you do. I see how

long you have been going through your sitch and really see a woman

who is moving in a great direction for herself. I have been

reading some of your thread and I think you are doing really

well in your understanding of this IMHO. It is amazing the

strength the LBS has to have when they see what is happening

in their families and the steps they have to take for the

sanity of themselves and their kids. As horrible as our

situations are, it is great to be the LBS. I can't imagine

being the MLC'r and thank God that WE get the LBS part of the

journey.

WS

[evolve35]

As horrible as our situations are, it is great to be the LBS. I can't imagine being the MLC'r and thank God that WE get the LBS part of the journey.WS

That is a new perspective I haven't heard before... but you are absolutely right. I never thought about it like that. It is true, I wouldn't want to be in my H's position.

Hi Zen! You seemed to do really well last night. Your growth is obvious in your posts. Thinking of you...

[hope for zen]

Focus as much as you can on D and anything other than H. I really believe that giving him space and as little attention as possible for ALL of you!

what Irish said...leave him alone and focus ONLY on D....

I think you are both right. I am walking a thin line by opening up more opportunities for H to be around me and D. I really don’t want to shut him out of our holiday celebrations, but I am not sure I am ready to see more of him. I see definite benefits for D to having him there, and right now the only contact I want with him is if it benefits and involves D.

Your h is pretty much in such a patterned script, and it's just not a healthy one. So, detach as much as possible from him. He's not in a good place and he's trying so hard to drag you back into his vortex whenever he has doubts, which will be OFTEN. Don't go there. Just be a working mom for now. Really, isn't that enough for now?

I do see him trying to pull me back. Right now my focus is on D when I see or call him. I don’t know how he feels about that, but that is just how it is right now. I can’t and won’t ‘give’ him more of myself right now.

You are NOT responsible for his feelings/actions or thoughts. (Say it out loud to yourself a dozen times before you see him. Seriously.)

I repeated this to myself the whole drive to the restaurant last night. I’ll be saying it all morning on Sunday too.

YOU, & ONLY YOU, ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS & YOUR LIFE. TAKE CHARGE OF IT...and show your girl that she's in charge of hers.

Don't let her grow up believing that someone else can determine whether she'll have a good day, or that someone else's mood or failures will determine HERS...b/c they should not. How do you do this? You do this by modeling it for her.

This here^^^ is what I am REALLY struggling with. How to be a good role model for my D… How to set boundaries that protect her…

Right now the biggest problem I have is my D’s exposure to OW. I am not ok with this, and I fear D is around her more and more. That may not be true; it may only be that I am now hearing about past and present contacts. She may have been exposed this much before and I was unaware of it then (or unwilling to see it).

Now that I have some idea of what has been going on, I can see it in her behavior. At least that is what I think I see. I could be projecting things onto her that I am feeling myself.

Part of this seems related to my new boundary. If I am not responsible for his feelings/actions/thoughts, then worrying about what he will do if I tell him I don’t want D around anyone he is interested in – that is just more mind-reading and trying to anticipate his actions.

If I am truly letting go and being responsible for my own actions, I think I need to say something. As far as if or when H may someday want to come home, that has fallen to the bottom of my list of priorities.

Now I just have to figure out what to say…

I have a lot to work through on this. I plan on talking about it at my IC appt today too.



Also, I wrote a long post to cat, but it was also about things I am realizing about my own sitch. Here is a link, just to make a note: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2110536&#Post2110536

[hope for zen]

Thanks for the encouragment, E & WS. I took forever writing that last post & just saw you had posted too.

I do think being the LBS is a healthier journey too. Still wish this wasn't happening, but have to make the best of the sitch I find myself in.

Best of luck (to all of us) on this crazy journey!

[hope for zen]

Went to my IC and have been trying to use my afternoon off to get a few things done.

I have a checking account now that H is not on. Still have a joint, but won’t be depositing my paycheck there anymore.

Left a message for my L to call me, just to be sure me not filing for D before H gets around to it won't negatively affect me or D3, again just in case.

Paperwork, paperwork, blah, blah, blah…



Still wrestling with OW/D3 issues. Think I need to get some rest tonight and let myself really sit with this, but I feel closer to knowing what I need to do.

I will say this, if the topic comes up in any way I won’t avoid it. I’m done trying to ‘save’ my marriage. That is not the same to me as wanting a divorce, but just letting go of the idea that I can save it. I can’t. All I can do is be open to the possibility of reconciliation. No more waiting though.

Like you said 25:

If he changes dramatically AND wants back into the marriage, he'll let you know. Nothing less than total clarity & commitment from him is what you'd need to even think of reconciliation, so why even bother reading into any of his other behaviors? Life is short....so short. D3 will grow fast. Let her see you in a process of growth towards zestful living.

I will do my best, 25. Both for me, and for my sweet little girl.