Partner left after 9 yrs - reconciled now married!

[AliSuddenly]

Hi everyhone and thanks soo much for all your lovely messages, it put a smile on my face to come read them all! I really appreciate that you are out there thinking and wishing good thoughts for me. And love you too Maria!

Well.. had another big scare! I went to the loo yesterday, turned around and the toilet was full of blood!! I nearly fainted with shock. It seemed to me to be coming from both ends (TMI! ) but I rang the midwife who took it very seriously and booked us in for an emergency scan today. I wasnt too nervous as I had no bleeding since, but there was alot at the time.. well they seemed very concerned and asked me a tonne of questions as the CVS procedure was only a week ago.

Well turns out I did have a bleed as I have a blood clot in the placenta from where the needle went in, or it hit an artery. They said it was tiny and nothing to worry about, but it was scary all the same to see that little black hole in my placenta on the screen! (I spotted it straight away).

So just resting and fingers crossed nothing else scary happens!!

I dont like being pregnant.. its a worse rollecoaster than DBing!

[kat727]

YOu will love it once you feel the baby kick. My youngest used to put her heel at the top of my tummy and drop it down. Back and forth for 30 minutes at a time. It began to hurt and sometimes I would give her a nudge so she would cut it out. It will get better, I promise.

love, kat

[mishka422]

This has definitely been a bit of a rollercoaster hasn't it Ali? What a terrifying experience. I'm so glad to hear that it isn't anything serious. Did they say that the blood clot would likely dissolve on it's own?

Once you get past the scariest part you will probably love being pregnant. Especially if you haven't been sick, it's such a marvelous time. Marc liked to turn himself sideways and spent much of my 6th and 7th months with his foot firmly shoved up against my rib cage which he kicked vehemently. Man that hurt! I'd shove my hand against his foot to make him stop. In my 8th-9th months I could actually see the outline of his foot against the skin on my stomach and we would rub it through my skin. It was AMAZING! It was our evening entertinment every night.

Enjoy this time. Take advantage of offers of help from anyone and everyone you know. Once the baby is born, that will be long done!!! LOL.

[addie]

Ali,

You're right - what a rollercoaster you are on! I hope that from this point on everything goes smoothly.

I am keeping you and H in my thoughts.

(((((Hugs))))

[MichelleLT]

Whew! What a scare! Glad everything is okay!

[AliSuddenly]

So me and H had a chat about the past last night. I have wanted to talk to him for months but what with getting married, fertility treatments and being pregnant there just never seemed the right time. He didnt think we needed to, but I said that there were still things I didnt understand about the past and I needed to before we had kids.

He was then happy to talk to me, although he still finds it hard. I said what bothers me is that he has never admitted that contact with her came before he left and that that may have been a catalyst.. as there must have been chemistry as it is too much of a coincidence that he ended up dating her (she was in a LTR but he once said that she ended it with her BF to be with him, he forgot he had told me this!) When I said this, he conceeded there was attraction there but any thoughts of being with her were unconcious and it wasnt a factor in him leaving.

He said that he felt as though "his mind was imploding" at the time he left. He was very dismissive of the R.. as though it was just a huge mistake and she was nothing to him. I said she cant of been.. I had said I still dont know how much contact he has with her at work, he said zero. But he did have alot before? He said, oh but I used to invent reasons to go to her office to see her boss when he could have phoned instead.. this upset me of course. He admitted there was "a newness, an excitement" in the beginning, but that he was still in a very bad place at that time, even then and besides, just because it was new and different didnt mean that that was based on anything, there was no substance, it isnt something that lasts.

As to why he didnt come back to me, then or even sooner, despite still loving me... he said, it was like I was stubborn, I dug my heels in stupidly not that it was right or the best thing for me, it was just pig headedness and also.. because I am slow, it takes me a long time to work through things emotionally, I'm slow to make decisions and even slower to act on them. As to why he left - I felt not listened to...when we did up the flat, I didnt want to and I felt used and like my feelings were ignored, but looking back it was my bad state of mind at the time that made me leave. Doing up the flat against my wishes (which took 6 weeks) was not enough justication to leave you.

I noticed he cannot refer to her, by name or even "she" or "her" at all. I said I know from my EA how dreadful the guilt is and you KNOW you are behaving badly, so I handled that by keeping it secret and contained from 'real life'.. he said he still doesnt know the extent of my EA (so it still bothers him, years later!). I said I find it hard that he went public with her, he even took her to meet his Mum! He said "..there was pressure there..to do that" Same with the skiing trip, his brother asked him and "when that was offered.. there was pressure.. because that was what was wanted". He said he was weak and a "yes" man and thats why these things happened.

This worries me. How can he have been so weak and so much of a yes man to be co-erced into things seemingly against his will... JUST LIKE WHEN HE DID UP THE FLAT WITH ME! At the time, I thought he was happy to do it. Perhaps Helen mistakenly also thought he was happy to take her to meet family and friends. He just didnt express his true feelings about it. Is her really over this behaviour?

I wouldnt say we ever Pieced, we just took up where we left off, but with no longer taking each other for granted and with more love and openness.. but even though we have pieced, are married and expecting, I can honestly say I am not "past it". It still bothers me. In fact, it bothers me now more than ever! I think this is because I was just so excited and frankly grateful to be back with him that first year, that its only now things have truly settled down that I can feel anger and resentful for what he did to me. Although, I do have it in perspective now and its not painful anymore.

After my EA, we separated for 5 months and then pieced but there was a point, a year later when I said, enough questions now. My BFF said we had papered over the cracks to some extent and I can see that we have done that now. When I was the protaganist, I was happy to leave it behind, but for him that was papered over. This time I am the one that feels its been papered over. So somehow we really need to talk it out until theres nothing left.

Sorry for long post.. just journalling really

[Kalni]

I know how you feel. Lots of the things you write I feel also. Only in my case, he was convinced she was the real love of his life, so at least your H was aware the whole time how shallow their R was. At least that's what I understand.

I hope you do get to talk things through. I see that as farther away from the A, the less willing they are to talk about it. At least my H is.
Have fun
M

Please take into cosnideration that things may look more serious because of your hormones.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey M..well although he never claimed to love her, he was smitten in the early days (he doesnt know what G told me) and besides, I saw all the photos of their days out, weekends away, her in bed, on the bed etc etc. Very painful, as you know! So to begin with he said last night he thought he was on the right path, becuase also, it justified why he had left me - like he felt he had to have left for a reason, so getting together with her felt like he was on the rightful pathble I think. Over time, luckily for me, they were not compatible and she compared badly to the memory of me (this is what I understood he meant).

It hurts to hear him admit it was new and exciting and a new path in life at first, but I knew this, even if he hadnt admitted as much to me before.

Yes he is totally unwilling to talk until I persuaded him I told him I was unhappy. He normally says there is no point anymore/its all in the past now/its so long ago I've forgotton about it.

I feel theres more to say, but I can also see, like your H said to you, what good can more talking do in a way its my issue now, to just be able to forgive, forget and be ok about it.

[JCJ]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/how-to-recover-from-infidelity-or-an-affair/

(((Ali)))

[AliSuddenly]

Thanks Julia

Everything ok here, me and H did have another conversation and he is soooo far from that person that did those things then. He said he never wants to mention it to anyone else ever again! We had to go to a pub where Helen may have been Saturday and H said, I'm not going then! Luckily the do got rearranged to a pub in our village.

He keeps telling me that I am the love of his life and printing coupley photos of us and framing them around the house!! Gosh, its true, you really only appreciate what you have/had once its gone hey. Tough lesson.

Well I'm 16 weeks preggars now and we are still in the house he was sharing (now all ours) when he was dating Helen. We havent done anything about the nursery yet and besides the room the baby is intended for was his room when he was dating her and where she stayed. It doesnt really bother me, on the other hand it kinda feels wrong to put our baby in there ! I know its only bricks and mortar and it is a great cottage by the sea...but maybe we should move