It looks to me like your husband wants to come home, but not face any consequences; and that's NOT going to happen.
You did right by refusing to allow him to come home; he is really messed up in the head.
Until he gets his act together; faces himself FULLY, AND makes positive changes that will cause him to grow up much more than the age he's acting now, all that's going to happen if you'd caved and allowed him to come home would be that he would continue to act as if he was entitled to do as he pleased...and he'd cut and run once again, IF you didn't end up throwing out before he did that.
Sure, he got nasty after you drew your boundary after refusing to allow him to come home; he's now figuring out that you're not going to put up with his crap any longer.
And people do get mad when they don't get their way; especially when they have no respect; and are immature; needing to grow up some more.
It's now completely up to you as to what you want to do..it was always up to you.
I think he thought that if he came home; things would get better; and he could bully you into "forgetting" what all has happened, but things wouldn't get any better either way, while he's in the shape he's in.
Man oh man what a mess!
Yet, it's your HUSBAND'S mess, not yours.
I'd come in tonight, looking to see how things were going..and after this last update, looks like things are getting worse for him, NOT you.
That last post I read was much calmer and more settled...and the peace you feel is great, and I hope it lasts. God gives a peace that surpasses all understanding..it is given while within a trial, when the stress becomes too much for you to bear.
Lord, he SO needs to grow up!
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I don't have any real good advice to give you; except pray and pray some more for guidance....things could go either way at this time.
He needs to examine himself; but he's still looking to you for answers, and you cannot give him any answers..they must come from within himself.
He's a man child caught in a cycle of immaturity; and he really doesn't know what he wants at this point..and you cannot help him at all.
He must help himself.
We can only do what we can do, and let the rest go into the hands of the Lord to deal with.
God will guide your steps, Jennifer...He's the only one who knows what is ahead, now.
Blessings and peace to you and the children.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I can only give you the benefit of my experience. Here goes. 8 yrs. ago, my H had an affair, acted much as your husband does now, was depressed. Caught him many times pacing in the kitchen in the dark of night repeating over and over again "It's not My fault"., Many of your comments of your husband ring true to what I went through then. Long story short. I let him come back before the crisis was dealt with. Basically, it got sidelined by the Iraqi War, when he was deployed.
Fast forward 6 years. Now, H is battling PTSD, alcohol, and the MLC that was never resolved in the first place. Top that off with facing mandatory retirement from the Military. He went completely and totally bonzo.
Moral: I think you are right to not let husband come home too early as a sort of 'band-aide' on the situation. MLC has to be dealt with. It refuses to be buried and covered up for long. I have no idea what works for you and your H; therapy, religious counseling, romantic trips, etc., but the problems still have to be dealt with.
For you: You can forgive, but you won't forget.
For him: Those that don't learn from their mistakes are destined to repeat them.
Good luck, and have a good day Jen.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Hi all, Haven't posted in awhile, guess I just didn't feel the need to.
Alot has happened over the past couple of months. From H showing up drunk one night at 2 am, begging me to have sex with him; I adimantly refused which caused him to storm out... to the holidays when he suggested I take the kids to be with HIS family because he felt that I was more welcome there than him. (They're not very happy with his choices) Turned out that we went to his brothers (his mom was visiting and really wanted to see me, so I decided to go) on Christmas Eve, all 4 of us, as I told him I would go, but NOT in place of him. H pretty much sat in a corner, sulking just about the whole time. Being Mr Doom and Gloom, as usual. Then there was our son's 9th birthday party, where, more of the same, sulking, standing off by himself, not really talking to anyone... meanwhile I was fine and enjoying myself and the company of everyone there. None of it an act, all real, me being true to myself. To a few days before New Year's Eve, H got a DUI and leaving the scene of an accident charge. (He calls me at 1 am that night and tells me the whole story and that he was dropping of his "friend" Karen, (one of the numerous women he has reached out to) after they had been drinking and as he left, he said he must have backed into a car (he didn't realize it and has no damage on his vehicle) while leaving her condo complex, the police were called, found him and pulled him over and he got the DUI. He called and called and called me that night and I hung up on him after he told me where he was and who he was with and I texted him "Don't call me, call Karen"
So here we are present day...he found a condo to rent, and is moving into it on Saturday. He's moving some furniture out of our house today.
Sounds like your H is quite broken. I'm glad you are moving on and living your life and not letting him drag you down. Good for you. Giving our kids as "normal" a life as possible can be so hard, but it sounds like you're doing really well. Thanks for the update.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I know I need to get stuff out but I really don't even know what to say anymore.
I'm not in my "happy" place anymore. I've been allowing H to drag me down and it all has to do with finances also because I am scared for mine and my children's future.
He's being mean and nasty and resentful - he hates that I get to live in our home with our children. Told me the other day he wishes he could tell me to get the "F" out of the house and have me move into his condo and he'll stay at the house with the kids since he's paying for it anyway. He told me he can't afford to pay the mortgage anymore. He wants us to file personal bankruptcy. Where he used to appreciate me having a job and carrying all of our health benefits, now he's become resentful to me because I don't make alot of money at my job and he still has to support ME - that's what he calls it - that's all he ever says to me - is I HAVE TO PAY YOU. He's being awful. I told him "just because you decided to leave doesn't mean that all of our bills disappeared!" He says "I F-ING KNOW THAT!"
Dealing with a person who is so irrational, doesn't make any sense, and is extremely hot-headed at the same time is just awful. I wish he would go away but I know that isn't possible. I don't deserve how mean he is being to me.
Like yesterday, I had to let him know that we needed $$ in the account, because I had to send out his car payment, son's college fund is being automatically withdrawn (and he already knew this stuff last week) but still hadn't put any money in account, so I had to remind him. His reply to me was "Yes ma'am, I'll get right on it!"
It really [censored] to be dealing with the emotional pain and ramifications plus financial problems on top of it all. I'm facing the need to ask for $$ in our joint account as well.....for the first time.
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
Journaling: Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted. And where to begin...well, H moved into a condo mid January. Seems ever since then, the late night texting that he was previously doing often has completely stopped since he got his place.
He's not coming to me for answers anymore like previously. We have a schedule down with the kids, he has been having them every other weekend and he also picks them up from school twice a week and spends a couple hours with them (at the house)
We met with a bankruptcy lawyer because we are considering filing Chapter 7. We had 1 divorce discussion regarding the kids, alimony and child support. We don't have a plan. Everything is in limbo because we are waiting to find out if we qualify for Chap. 7 first. We also cannot file for divorce until after that happens, otherwise we would need 2 lawyers, 1 to represent each of us in the bankruptcy case. H is refusing to even pay a mediator to handle the divorce. He believes we can do everything ourselves as long as we agree. My hands are tied because I don't have $$ to try to afford one myself.
His DUI case keeps getting postponed. He is on Match.com...I found this out from a friend of mine who happened to be friends with a girl he tried to hook up with on Match. Evidently he freaked her out because he seemed "too eager" and then she heard he has a bad rep. That he's a liar and cheats all the time and so she told him that she doesn't date "separated" men - when he showed up at a bar (freaked her out) that he knew she was going to.
It appeared that after that transpired, I got a nasty, nasty text from him in response to a text I sent him asking if he heard anything from the bankruptcy lawyer yet and where we stand because we cannot move forward with anything until that starts. So, the text from him said (and mind you, he had no idea that I knew about the whole Match date thing and the girl) - anyway he said "No, and we need to get this *^&^ done..I can't live like this anymore..you have guys that know you talking %^&% about me and how I am nothing but a lying piece of ^&%^ that cheats all the time..I want out and I need a life...I am so F&%$#*$& pissed off right now..I hate everything!"
So I replied with "I agree and that's why I asked if you heard from the bankrptcy lawyer so that we can move forward"
Then I get "Tell people you know to keep m y name out of their mouth and mind their own business...you know what I will do..%*^% everyone...^%$*$ you and all of your do gooder friends...if I find out who's talking %&$* I am going to prectice my kung fu all over that mot&&%*% f4$%$^..I'm done being nice in any way!"
My reply: "I don't know what you're talking about"
Then he got into a whole elaborate lie about how all of it transpired - ya know, leaving out the part about being on Match.com and just acting like it was something that occurred on facebook. But I know the truth. he he.
He went off a few more times, to which I just replied with a "yeah, it's a small world" and "don't you think the general public is aware of things you've done? Doesn't necessarily have to be someone that knows me that's talking crap" And then I told him to stop taking it out on me. He then apologized that night and the next morning, numerous times. I never brought it up again.
Not sure what's going on with me lately. It feels as if it's getting harder to deal with my situation as time is going by. I don't know why, but lately I've been breaking down crying after seeing or hearing from H (almost every time and totally unbeknownst to him). I do n't really know what I am crying about. I feel sad. I know that I don't deserve the way I let him treat me over the years but there are parts of me that miss him. And yes, I am grateful that he is really involved with our kids, however, it makes it really difficult for me to always have to see him. And I don't know why it feels like I'm getting worse not better. I was doing so well a few months ago...not so much right now.
I feel really frustrated that nothing is moving in any direction whatsoever. It's been almost 7 months now. My hands are tied, I can't do anything. I can't help this move forward (meaning the divorce) it's in his hands and nothing is happening. I told him a week ago that I just want this done. I don't want to keep living like this. Something has to change and I don't know what to do get there.
We were both at S first baseball game Sat. and he kept coming over to me, joking about stuff, our S, etc...then would walk away and go on the other side of the dugout. It's so weird. So sad. I miss our family but I do NOT miss what I allowed him to put me through the past 4 years. At the game, I was talking to him about a couple of the kids on S team and he goes "how do you know their names already?" Like in a weird accusatory way -maybe b/c the one boy I was talking about is one of the coaches kids (the coach who just so happens to be HOT btw, lol) so I don't know if he thinks...who am I kidding...no one knows what he thinks or why or how, right? lol.
Anyway, just rambling. Not sure what I am feeling or thinking.
And I don't know why it feels like I'm getting worse not better. I was doing so well a few months ago...not so much right now.
Jennifer, this ^^^^ is probably because of this:
Quote:
I feel really frustrated that nothing is moving in any direction whatsoever. It's been almost 7 months now.
It is an expectation. I know because I've been there. Many times. It is the reason that you will hear over and over again here -- no expectations. Expectations only set you up for disappointment, not only with a MLC/WAS, but throughout life. Having no expectations is a mindset that will serve you well now, and throughout the rest of your life. Remember whom you can control, ad whom you can't.
(((Hugs)))
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Hi, I remember you! My bomb was late 2005, but my xh never really wanted to reconcile. Still crazy and mean. I think it is harder when they come back and then run again. We are now divorced [took 5 years though], and I have broken all contact. Much easier that way.
I do wonder if most of them never really 'get over it'. Clearly some do, and I would never suggest we should give up easily, but there does seem to come a point at which our lives need to move on. I am happier and more at peace with myself now I have closed the door, but no regrets at having waited so long to do it.
Sadly my xh has alienated his children [my fault apparently!] and that is bad for all of them I think.
