D & I went to church today, despite my strong urge to stay home in jammies all day. It turned out to be a great sermon starting off the lent season, and well worth dragging ourselves out of the house for. Wish I could recite the whole thing, it was really special.
In the sermon she used planting bulbs as a metaphor. She described it as an act of faith, as a prayer. She compared it to making a call to someone who doesn’t deserve it. She also said we should live today like it is worth hoping for tomorrow.
I am realizing that my task is to ‘plant the bulbs’ of my future. I don’t know what they will grow into or how long it will take, but if I plant and care for them it will be something beautiful. Even if right now it seems like such a hopeless undertaking. All I really need to do is live a life I am proud of, while letting go of the outcome.
Just before church, I had called H so D could tell him good morning. I remember wondering if it was a good DB move or not, then deciding it is just the right thing to do. Even if he didn’t care, my D did. It made her happy and she went strait to Sunday school with no fuss, whereas the last few weeks she didn’t want to leave my side.
It is ok to hope for his return, even while letting go of all attempts to force it to happen.
It is ok to hope for things to go one way while still preparing myself for what will happen if my life follows a different path.
It is ok to love my H and still move on with my life.
I have begun to live my life as if he is not coming home. It was recommended many times before and I was not ready. I am still finding my way and I am only beginning to learn to do this from a place of love instead of anger.
Hope for zen, I thought of a quote I just read yesterday when I read your post above about the bulb metaphor and thought you might like it:
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom." --Anais Nin
Glad to hear that you are in a place of love rather than anger and best of luck to you; we are very much in the same place right now.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
H called early to let me know his schedule and ask if it is ok for him to take D for 3 nights in a row this week. He thinks this will be his schedule for a few weeks too.
I took a deep breath and said ok. H asked if I wanted to come over for dinner Tuesday night and I said that would be great. I was a bit hesitant sounding when he first asked for 3 days at once (despite my best efforts to stay calm) and maybe that was why he invited me.
He has had her this many night in a week before, just not all together, so it will be different. This may be easier on D to not be in a different place every night. This is a change for her schedule. Not bad, just new. Will have to see how well she adjusts.
I'm anxious about OW contact with D because it is more daytime hours with her daddy. I will have to monitor her behavior to see how she does anyway.
Other than that, it is just a bit of an adjustment for me. I do get to see her Tuesday, so not really bad. This also means I only lose daycare days and H won't be cutting into my weekend time with her.
Long term this may be a good schedule, though I doubt it will last through the restaurant opening. Better use this time to finish some holiday to-dos so I can enjoy my time when she gets back!
Hey Zen, you sound great. It is nice to hear we are moving in the same direction in our sitches. Just wondering, would it be a 180 for you if something came up and you weren't able to make it for dinner? I know, not easy to do...
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Yes, it might be a good 180 for my H, but I won't cancel on my D. She is already expecting me to be there on night "number two.'
With her, all appointments, even pick ups from day care are sacred in my book. It has been a big part of building safety and predictability for her. H doesn't do this as well, and I think it is one reason she asks for me so much when she is with him.
A three year old who had one parent walk out fully expects the other one to leave too. In their mind, the loss of both parents means there will be no one to feed and care for them. Pretty scarry stuff, and not an exaguration.
Right now it is all about letting her know she can trust me to be there when I say I will. The DBing has taken a backseat to just being a mom. For now, he is a big boy who doesn't want my help. D is a little girl who needs a lot of help to get through this.
Maybe I should consider this DBing for future generations?
Journaling: I am settling in to the idea of being a single mom. I have more time for myself, and since H helps with D way more now than when he was home, I get to focus on enjoying my time with my D when she is here.
I do want to find a way to spend more time at home with my girl, but that will be a long term project. My approach to custody is going to be that I want to be the parent with the most time available to care for her. My H exposing D to OW knocked him off his pedestal and I am not happy about some of the things he is ‘teaching’ her while playing out his MLC fantasies either.
H called to see about picking up the stroller to take D on a run in the morning. Hope OW is not going running too, but I am resisting the urge to check those phone records again.
H also wanted to know if I knew where I wanted to go for dinner tomorrow. That surprised me because I had assumed the invite was to the weekly family dinner at his parent’s house.
Guess not.
That is ok. He has said before that being around me and his family at the same time is ‘uncomfortable.’ He has also said that he is tired of being around his parents. I do think he is still trying to separate me from the rest of the family too though. Just curious, but does anyone know, if ‘uncomfortable’ is MLC lingo for ‘extreme guilt and shame?’ Hmmmm…
I thought about it for a while after he called, and decided to treat dinner tomorrow as a ‘DBing date.’ I will dress a little extra nice. I will allow myself to have no expectations. I will be relaxed and maintain a good PMA. This has had good results in the past. I’m not expecting anything, but I might as well plant a few seeds for the future while I am around him anyway.
Almost forgot, emailed this morning to tell H I had ordered an extra insurance card for D for him to keep with him and had stuck it in her day care bag. Let him know we are going to put up the tree this weekend and told him he is welcome to come if he wants to and has time. No mention of it on the call. The tree will go up with or without him though, and it will be fabulous!
Hope, great attitude on putting the tree up. I am doing the same, and what do you know? W wants to come over and help. First time ever.
I think you're spot on with the complaints of being "uncomfortable". I just returned from Thanksgiving at the ILs which almost didn't happen because she is "uncomfortable" there. I am very fortunate to have a good relationship with ILs. W even attempted to sell the idea of OM to her brother. I don't think anyone was buying. ILs have been very respectful of our sitch, but have also been very supportive of me.
This sort of creates a problem though because the only person approving of OM is OM, and one slutty friend. So she circled the wagons around the three of them. Her loss, because I am finding new friends now that I'm not weighed down by her negativity.
Hope the dinner goes well.
M / W: 43 D8 S6 M 10 years / T 13 years W admitted EA/PA: 10.6.09 Separated in same house 10.6.09 W moved out 2.27.10
We will see if H comes by or not. I'm not sure if I will mention it today. May just hold off and 'check' on Friday. D will probably ask about the decorating though, so maybe I won't have to ask again. She is so excited about Christmas this year.
My IL's have been great too. He has put them in such a difficult spot. On Thanksgiving BIL made a toast to how the family had faced challenges that they hadn't had to face before, but that he was so thankful that we were still together as a family. The kids wanted everyone to go arround and say what they were thankful for. I was trying too hard not to cry, and so was grandma. H just looked incredibly uncomfortable. SIL let us all off the hook before we exploded though. lol
I am thankful for still having my family. It so easily could have gone a different way, and almost did. It took some work on my part, and was reciprocated by them, but now we are getting comfortable with each other again. H just pulls back more and more though.
I still suspect there is an OW element to H's holiday plans. Trying not to dwell on what that is. Its a waste of time and energy.
I have been thinking a lot about boundaries. I think one has come to me, but its not easy to define. If I don't set this boundary I won't be able to make it through this. It is simple, no dramatic action required, but a big shift in how I think.
I am not responsible for my H’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.
Seriously, I know this isn't rocket science. I already know this too. But I don't KNOW it. I think my biggest blunder when H & I got back together after our first separation was to feel like I had caused him to NEED to run away, have an affair (or 3), and behave like an a**.
But I didn't cause it.
Not then, and not now.
Yes, I could have done things different or been a little bit better wife or just paid more attention to him. Maybe insisted he see a doctor when he started to sink into his depression.
But all of this is about him.
Not me.
Really.
I grew up in a house where no one really argued. My dad yelled. My mom was frequently on the verge of a breakdown. But no arguing. Not directly anyway. I learned from birth to read minds, monitor moods and body language, and walk on eggshells. I have always been an abused spouse waiting to happen. I always felt responsible for keeping other people happy. I still do, even though I know I shouldn’t.
