Starting on a different path

[Piano]

Abbey, good advice. Any ideas how Mystik can push her H away?
What might that look like?

[Abbey]

Having a child together makes it a harder task but not impossible.

One of the things I did with my H when junk hit the fan was put him to email only. Do not call, if we see each other, do not talk to me, etc etc etc. Start by giving him the silent treatment. Say NOTHING or as little as humanly possible. Traditionally men are better at that... but practice saying it... what-ever! or clamping your jaw shut and resist the urge to have the last word or "explain" one's self. Go dark.

I think we as women have a harder time with that cuz it's not really how we're wired, but it's effective. Being shut down is a good start to dropping the rope.

As for this guys constant "changes" to the agreement of how and where they exchange their son, there's either two ways to go with this: stop fighting him (play nice) and be super compliant (which I don't think is the way to go at this stage) OR make it clear that you simply will not "fix" his life's timing issues any further. It's not her job nor her problem if the whore and daemon spawn have the car. He can't live up to his end... tough, NOT Mystik's problem.

Four words to any request from H for junk like that: YOU! Figure it out.

She'll get: What do you mean?

Answer: This is *your* obligation sooooo.... YOU figure out how you can make this work for yourself. Don't expect me to do it, fix it, or turn my day upsidedown for yours.

He'll huff and puff and make inference to playing "her game" but he'll eventually get the message.

The only caveat with that, is anyone trying it better be a stickler to details from their own end. That means, if the drop off is five pm. BE there for 5 pm.

No more games with this dude. Mystik needs to get a written agreement between lawyers that states no changes in the schedule, no "late" drive arounds for 2 hours etc because stupid H has life issues he can't juggle etc. If he's late by 15 minutes, he forfeits his day. Period, no changes. Time to grab part of her life back. Good self esteem lesson.

Abs

[Mystik]

H dropped off DS to me, he had to go to his brother's across the river from me so he offered to bring DS right home. He had Whore and Bastard Child with him, that stung. I didn't say a word to H when he walked DS to the door and put his bag down. I was hurting and didn't want him to hear it in my voice.

[Mystik]

One of the coping techniques I will be learning is called Radical Acceptance. I know that will be the technique I have the most trouble mastering. I feel so strongly in my heart that H will return before we reach the point of divorce, that he’ll give me the baby I long for and can see it all so clearly in my mind. I feel that if I accept the current situation that means I’m ok with it and accept that what I feel in my heart will not happen. Which I’m not ok with, neither the situation nor what I feel potentially not happening. I know that acceptance of and agreement with are two different things, but I’m having trouble separating the two. And I know that accepting the current situation does not impact future events but I can’t separate those, either. Like I told Truegritter, I can’t separate the legal divorce from the emotional divorce. H has already emotionally divorced himself from me. I am having trouble accepting that.

I find myself wondering if this is the path God wanted me on that night I felt Him answer my prayers for H’s return. This road is a real test of my faith. I know that God is only doing what is in my best interest. I know that He has plans for me, for my future. But I also hate not knowing what will happen, I hate not being in control. So having to give up the control is a real struggle for me. I keep laying my problems at His feet, then pulling them back. I need to lay them there and leave them there. I need to let go of my old marriage and my old H, they are gone. But I’m too afraid that if I let go, then I’ll never get him back.

[Mystik]

Been doing a lot of praying. Praying that H comes home, praying that God guides me to know what I need to do and gives me the strength to do it. I can't help but feel that if I could just tell H I love him he'd come back, though I know that is about as likely as me winning the Miss America crown. Not a chance in he!l it will ever happen. The urge is still very strong so I suppres it, push it away.

Right now, at this point in time, I feel that I will always love my H and will never be with anyone but him. I made vows that I will honor for always. Though he broke his, I will not break mine.

[sgctxok]

Hi sweetie,

He knows you love it. I know you have strong feelings and are afraid to let a new vision in, but ironically, if you don't, you don't have a chance, and if you do--you have a better chance.

When I came to this board I really did not want to live. I was pretty devastated. I was advised to go 'pitch black', which I did for 9 weeks, and then tested the waters with a positive result.

It was so incredibly hard. I fought my every natural instinct. But I felt so empowered. Not only because of the good result, but because I regained control over myself. Michele and my posters helped me tremendously. And over the years, I have gained more of the DB skills (actually using them). And I'm so not perfect, but I am not pathetic anymore either.

I know you can do this, because I see you doing it. You are doing a lovely job, it's beautiful to see.

Have a great evening,
sg

[Mystik]

That is what I am really struggling with. Letting go of my visions to make room for a new one. I am being as dark as I can with a shared child.

[bluestar]

But I’m too afraid that if I let go, then I’ll never get him back.

If you DON'T let go, you will NEVER get him back. I know this is a hard concept to get but it is the truth. Like Abby has said, the harder you keep tugging the rope, the harder he is pulling away. You have to let go of that rope to have any chance of ever getting a future(way distant)with him.

He has to get the chance to live out this fantasy with OW and let it fail on it's own. Right now, you've got them teamed up against you. You need to get yourself out of the picture so they can turn on each other. The best chance of that happening is right now. What is a more stressful time than having an infant in the house?

It's actually something that I struggled with too. I couldn't get that I needed to remove myself from the triangle in order for it to fall over. Think of it like a table with three legs. When you remove one, it eventually falls.

With me, I took baby steps toward that direction. First, I stuck like glue to our schedule. No changes, period. Kids need to have a routine they can count on. They have enough changes to deal with. And, you need time to build a relationship with DS too. You are just as important.

Next, I got involved at my church. I started helping with the children's groups my kids were involved in. If you need to, sign your son up for something. You'll both find new friends. You can also find some single mom groups through your church, the local hospital or sometimes the meetings are posted in the paper or online.

Last, I stuck with my therapy sessions. Over time, I got so much clarity that what everyone had been telling me started to make sense. You'll get there too. It just takes time.

[Mystik]

I think the only way at this point to drop the rope so that H realizes it would be to initiate filing for D. But I really really don't want to do that. For one thing, it's darn expensive. H wants it so bad, let him pay for it. And for another, a D is not what I want and I'm afraid if I file to try and wake him up he'll call my bluff and finalize it.

I rarely talk to H, when I do I will talk about DS, H is the one who initiates talks about the marriage. H is the one who calls me, I will only text him. When he calls I let it go to voicemail then text my response to him. How I wish I could go pitch black and have no interactions with him whatsoever. That would give me time to heal and start to detach.

[bethann]

Mystik,
I have 5 children, so I get what you are saying. You have to have interaction with your h. But make it limited! I agree, it would be so much better if you could have no interaction at all - I think I would be able to heal alot faster and better if I just didn't have to deal with him at all, because every single time I talk to or look at him, I hurt and I don't understand why he did what he did. Also, the whole detaching thing, isn't that what they want anyhow??
With the D question, I have been struggling with that myself. Although I don't want to D, I too have hopes that one day he'll be back and sane again, do I really want to stay in "this" M?? What I'm saying is, I'm considering giving him the D he wants, then when DB works and we R we can get married again. Wouldn't it be fitting to have a new M, one that didn't dwell on all the past issues. I don't know for sure and like I said, I'm still mulling it over, but I am considering it. It's not giving up, it's hoping for something new and improved.