You know whats made me sad? For years this man put his business first, I came second...he wouldn't take time off to have lunch with me, and yet here he is - taken a whole week off for some new woman he supposedly is just getting to know
The act of persuit in a new R I suppose.
Maybe we were never meant to be.....maybe it wasnt right...maybe he wasnt for me, and I just never saw it...rose coloured glasses....
I know, I know...I'll get back to focusing on me, just trying to digest some stuff from the past
Hey sweetie, I'll write more in a bit, but I have a little one at my feet who is chatting at me and wants some breakfast.
I was standing in the same place just a week ago, just with my baby added into that little romantic gettaway. You are strong and you will make it through this.
Hug that little boy and slow things down today.
Thought stop everything about your H and OW. It isn't doin' anything but hurting you.
Look hard at your blessings. Replace your painful thoughts with these thoughts.
Let yourself have some kind of treat today. A slow walk, a little chocolate, a funny movie, a contribution to a great big telescope...
Be strong, Pie. You will get through this too. (((PIE)))
Just remembering something that maybe will remind me that H is not in his right mind..
When I first found out about his dating/OW, he completely lost it, and started accusing me of all sorts of things that just were NOT true and such a contorted version of the truth...
Another thing my BGF mentioned (her H works for H), she said that her H is beginning to wonder if my H isn't bipolar or something...oh dear...I supposed MLC COULD like like bipolar disorder hey? All the manic highs and then manic lows?
Hoping today goes a bit better than yesterday...everyone should read that lighthouse post...thank u Zen! Its a wonderful way of looking at things
Going to be another nice warm summery day here today! Gotta do a little excercise, get the endorphins flowing 30min on the treadmill really does make a wee bit of a difference
Parents are planning to fly down for xmas whoohoo!! So I can have a little home comfort for a while, sooo looking forward to that...although just a tad worried, becasue at some point H will see my parents, and I'm not sure how THATS going to go down My dad is a little upset to say the least, and my mom has broken out in grovers rash due to teh stress apparently They still love him, but I suppose you can be angry and love someone at the same time.....
Wish me luck for that!!!
Ok, todays tasks...buy me something special, spend quality time with my wonderful S, and to STOP any thoughts of H and OW camping....grrrrr...STOPPIT!!
Just thinking, I know its part of all this, but it still gets to me that last week H was calling S every day, while he was overseas, then he gets back - dissappears for a day, visits briefly the following day, cant come to bath S he's in a meeting - which he was(Monday), I have to ask him if S can phone and say goodnight , he does, tuesday night he turns up for bath time, yawning his head off, baths S, stays for 5 mins after S is in bed (he usually leaves straight away), but only to ask me if I can take S to school for the next 3 mornings as he's going camping. Since then , not a peep,3 days, except yesterday I smsed him to ask about something tax related, which he responded, but thats it.
Gone - dissapeared into the ether.
And now when he gets back, I bet its back to rocking up for bath time every night, and doing everything on his terms and according to his timeline again.
And here I sit with S4 asking me, where is daddy, why isnt he visiting me? When am I going to see him?
And me having to say (as always), 'daddy works very hard my angel, he's busy working...'
Instead of 'daddys of camping with another lady my boy and he doesnt want to call you when hes there with the other lady'...
Just getting to me - you know?
You need to be made out of cast iron or something to not feel any emotions about this sort of thing...
Starting to view H in a different light again, as this strange man that is nothing like the image of the man I remember...maybe thats all it was, an image? In my head?
I dont' know, this is confusing me too now
Oh well, hoping todays spoil and the summery weather will make me a little happier today...
New day Looked for AGES for something to buy myself, but for some reason, everyone and their aunt decided to take friday afternoon off, and go XMAS shopping at our local mall! It was chaos! Eventually ended up just walking and perusing, but the time to myself felt like a real treat anyway - what I needed
Came home and put on my new little bikini I bought a while ago, and lay in the sun for a while to get some colour Starting to get a nice little weeny tan going
I txted H about a payment that needed to be made (he still has full control over any online payments), short and to the point. He txts back saying he's back from camping(like i needed to know that, the less i know the better I feel, I'm finding), and that he would do the transfer, and asked how S is doing.
I said hes fine. Has verbal diarrhea. He responds -
'Bless him Will fetch him in the morning to take him out Not going overseas next week, cancelled it, so will be resuming normal routine next week '
So this tells me that he DID cancel the overseas trip to spend more time with S(has hardly seen him in the past couple weeks).
He is expecting to return to the usual bath time routine - him rocking up at bathtime (Just like I said hey?)
He was still busy with OW last night, so no good night calls or visits for S.
It really ticks me off that he is off in his own little universe for 3 days, and only a txt from me will prompt him to ask how S is. And it feels almost asif he does it cause he thinks it would seem wrong NOT to ask. Otherwise he would have txted and asked himself long ago...No?
Anyway, feel VERY different today. Feel like a line has been crossed, and its NOT ok. I feel .....betrayed. Off.
The roses are falling off these glasses at a RAPID rate, and I'm almost pleased to report, that I can see VERY clearly at the moment
Detachment? Mmmmmm, feels like it
Last night the betrayel of this whole week hit me hard, and I stuffed myself with icecream(I dont even like ice cream), pasta (I love pasta), Wine , biscuits, and basically anything in the kitchen that didnt move
Comfort eating. I havnt done that since high school. And as soon as I get to this point , I KNOW...I've been pushed TOO FAR, in something, and I have to take steps to remove myself.
I like my new roseless glasses at the moment
Going to go check out a new 'Chinatown' thats opened today a few mins away. Also going to try detox my poor body from last nights horrible food attack. Sorry body
Will also try brave the XMAS crowd again at the mall, need to find a new 'unsexy' costume(bathing suit) for the gym...
So H txts this morning, saying he's sick, and the weather looks bad for what he had planned for S (still has OW with him, discreetly).
After txting back and forth, he decides he'll take him anyway (I tried to stay out of the decision, although he tried to get me to decide what to do - maybe he was trying to NOT take S to see OW, and looking to me to talk him out of it, I dont know, or he just didnt want to take S, who knows)
So he fetches S at 11am, and says hes bringing him back at 3pm, I said thats fine, everything pleasant and fine.
H brings S home at 3pm, and after S starts talking about what he's being doing, he starts saying something, and then stops and gets this strange look on his face. I asked him if he was ok, and then he put this really strange 'big boy' voice on, and said, 'It was nothing, I didnt say anything.I wasnt saying anything'
So then I realized he was told not to say something.
So I said my boy its ok, you can tell me anything you want to tell me, I wont get upset.
So he said, No it doesnt matter mommy.
So I said, is it about the other lady?
So He said 'Mommy, how did you know? It doesnt matter, shes gone now, so it doesnt matter' and he trailed off and intentionally changed the subject.
NEVER seen my boy behave like this.
If you knew my son, he talks NON stop about everyone and everything, and if you ask him about something, he will rattle on for as long as you will allow him to.
So H has somehow convinced this little boy to keep things from his mom. I cant even BEGIN to imagine what he must have told S to get him to not talk about it...
My little boy forced to keep the burden of secrets from me
H came round earlier, and just sat and played with S. He was feeling sick.
He just sat there, not saying much,played with S, and was just really wanting to leave , I could tell, and then went home.
Not even going to TRY figure out whats going on in his head...its impossible. Wonder if he even knows
Not nice having someone not really interested in what you have to say, or at least try join in a conversation, or help it along..make a tiny effort. He showed NO effort, bordering on rude
Can't wait for my parents to come down...just need some unconditional love right now....
In my case, I have figured out that D was around from the beginning of H’s R with OW. It took me a long time to figure out what was going on and how much contact she was getting with OW too. I have decided not to confront for a number of reasons, but you will have to make the call for your own situation.
Here is what my IC and I worked out to tell my 3 year old D because of similar weird behavior and my suspicion that H had told her not to tell me about time spent around OW.
"It is ok to talk to mommy or not to talk to mommy about what you do when you are with daddy. Mommy loves you and daddy loves you. We both will always love you and take care of you. Some things may feel too big for you right now. It is not your job to worry about those things. Your job it to play and go to school."
If your S talks to you, try and take it in stride. Don't question, but let him know he can talk to you when and if he wants. Also, don’t pick up the phone and confront your H with whatever you hear from S. That puts your Sin a very tough spot. If you decide to confront about this, find a way to do it without evidence from your S.
Two other things I decided to do that may or may not be appropriate for you:
I have a few parenting/inspirational articles stuck on my fridge. I added the children of divorce bill of rights to it. Don’t know if H has seen it, but it is a good reminder for me, and that is really why it is there.
I also am trying to make it a point to mention any time D’s behavior seems really off. Sometimes I later find out about OW being around on those days. It may be optimistic to hope H makes the connection, but maybe it will sink in that her being around OW is not a good thing for her.
As far as H not talking to you, he is probably not feeling real proud of what he did. On some level he probably knows that was not a good move. My H is always cold to me and pulls back when he pulls this kind of sh**. It’s the guilt. Not enough to stop him, but it is there.
