Albuquerque living part 2: Road to recovery?

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

In my last post, I mentioned that I didn't know whether H was still going to the IC or not. Turns out on Sunday, he mentioned he had an IC appt on Monday. So my question was answered without having to ask. Anyhow, following his appt on Monday he called me afterwards and was chatting. As luck would have it, the call dropped. I tried calling back but didn't get him. Next thing I know, he's at the house. He said he was driving by and rather than try to call back, he thought he'd stop by. There was no real purpose to his visit other than visiting, but it was nice and D enjoyed it.

The visit was shortlived though because D and I had to go to her martial arts class. As D was getting ready, H hugged me and asked me what I thought about him moving back in and using his current apartment as a home office (he works from home). Basically he would "go to work" at his apartment since he has the lease there till March. But then when he comes home, he's home. That was one of the biggest problems we had in our R was that he was always working. I told him I thought that seemed like a reasonable idea. We didn't get the chance to talk much further because D and I had to go.

Afterwards, we met back up for our usual sushi dinner. Dinner went well and H mentioned to me (quietly) that he had packed a bag to stay the night at the house. After dinner, D didn't really understand why H came back home with us but she seemed pleased to have H around. I wondered if H was going to tell D the plan but he didn't. I don't think he's ready for that yet and that's fine.
Anyhow, after we said goodnight to D, we went to bed. It was weird seeing your H bring his small suitcase into your bedroom in order to spend the night. But it was nice to have him. We both drifted off to sleep but I awoke a bit afterwards and was feeling a bit claustrophobic. My H has always been a snuggler and has always chosen to move to my side of the bed to do that. So I end up often having very little sleeping room. Having NOT had to do that in almost a year, I was not prepared and actually had to get up out of bed to kind of calm down. I like snuggling and realized the insanity of my problem, and just walked around a bit before going back to bed. I'm going to have to work on the sleeping arrangments a bit to make sure I don't end up feeling that way again.

Anyhow, I went back to sleep and awoke about 430 am, only to find that H was not in bed. I got up and looked outside and saw that his car was gone. His bag was still in the bedroom though. I was a bit sad but I wasn't upset. I figured he had a sleeping issue or other reason to leave and went back to bed. Almost as soon as I got back to bed, I heard the email beep on my phone. I checked it and it was H. He apologized for bailing and said that he had trouble sleeping and then got up and read. While reading, he started getting an anxieity attack and hadn't brought any of his medication with him. So he opted to go home. He ended by saying he was sorry for flaking out and that he's really trying and will continue to try.

I didn't respond till the next morning and told him "no worries". I was glad he did what he needed to do. I also thanked him for trying. And it WAS obvious that he was trying. Prior to going to bed that night, I could see he was filled with anxiety. He even mentioned that he was considering bailing that evening and just going home. I told him to do what he needed to do and he opted to stay. But clearly, the anxiety got to him.

So progress, but again, very very slow. And that's OK. I think rushing anything would be catastrophic and definitely not warranted. I don't think there will be a "move in" date. I think he'll keep coming over some nights and eventually he'll be spending more time here than at his apartment. It's clear he still has a lot of anxiety about the whole thing but in a way, I think that's good. I read a book recently called Passionate Marriage. I thought it was fantastic. In it, the author describes anxiety as the difficult path we need to cross in order to reach a new level of growth. I know my H is struggling a lot with anxiety, but despite it, he continues to move forward and for that, I greatly respect his progress.

This weekend should be fun. H and I will be D free for 24 hours since she's spending the night with a friend. We will be seeing a concert in a nearby town. And on the weekend, we will be getting D scuba certified. H is a dive master and his good friend is coming in from out of town and is a dive instructor. I will also be diving so that I can remember everything. It's been years since I've been scuba diving. So it proves to be a very busy and interesting weekend.

[TAMF]

I read a book recently called Passionate Marriage. I thought it was fantastic. In it, the author describes anxiety as the difficult path we need to cross in order to reach a new level of growth. I know my H is struggling a lot with anxiety, but despite it, he continues to move forward and for that, I greatly respect his progress.

I love this quote from the book - so very true for both the MLCer and the LBS.

Appreciate the babysteps!

by the way - TOTALLY JEALOUS OF YOUR WEEKEND!!! I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO LEARN TO SCUBA DIVE! Have a great time. I will sit up here in the freezing cold NORTH were it is 25 degrees and think about you swimming in the ocean with all of the fish you love!

[Albuquerque]

Brief update,

This will be the first night that H and I spend together (since he left). We've made attempts at it before, but this time, there's no way out! We will be seeing a concert tonight (a surprise present of mine to him) in a nearby town. I've got D spending the night at a friends house. I gave H the option of driving back late tonight or just spending the night (together) a few hours away. He opted for staying a few hours away.

He has been plagued with sleep issues and anxiety attacks this week and has not made another attempt at staying the night at the house. Yesterday, in fact, he asked me out to lunch and told me we'd go at 1. His lack of communication leading up to one o'clock had me thinking he'd probably fallen asleep. At 1:15, I just went ahead and ate. He texted me at 1:30 and was apologetic and said he HAD fallen asleep. He was sad to hear I had already eaten. Strangely, I was not really upset by the whole thing. I was disappointed, yes. But it wasn't surprising and getting mad at him or at the situation wouldn't have helped. I could tell he felt very very bad about missing our lunch.

My main concern for this evening is that he may have a serious panic attack. I hope he brings all his meds! I'm looking forward to a fun evening and sincerely hope things go well. H continues to be making genuine attempts to improve and I think his willingness to force an overnight upon himself is yet another step.

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

Had a great weekend. Friday, H and I took off together to attend a concert in a nearby town. We enjoyed a quick dinner and a great concert. The performer was one of my H favorites and I know he was glad to finally get to see him live. H was very affectionate during the entire concert. Afterwards, we stayed at a hotel in the area. Let's just say we both enjoyed each other's company.

Despite trying to get away from getting into R talks in bed, H started musing about our situation. He told me that our D was really his lifeline. She is what kept him in contact and kept him from leaving completely. And she is what caused him to see the changes in me. He said that the OW had a son and by the OW's perspective, her relationship with my H was forever. She was talking about how the two kids would get along etc. Again, H said the quickness of the R was a bit weird (which I totally agree given the fact that despite them being a couple since about June, they only saw each other face to face once a month for less than a week at a time). Anyhow, he said that the thought of having to deal with step kids, visitations, not being part of D's life completely etc, was very hard for him to deal with. I'm glad to hear that H cares as much as he does for D but at the time, it certainly didn't appear that way. So for those out there still dealing with spouses deep in MLC, let this be a lesson that things aren't always the way they appear.

Anyhow, he told me again that the OW was probably going to be moving back to our state. I told him he already told me that. He apparently had forgotten but wanted to make sure he wasn't keeping anything from me. I asked if he was still in some contact (which I kind of figured given that she's still on his FB). He said there have been a few emails/texts but not much. He then brought up FB and said he needs to go through and purge some people. He realizes that if he starts to post something about his family, and the FB friends that he made via OW see the post, they may post some nasty stuff given the way he had to end it with OW. He said it was too bad that he will have to lose the friendships he made because some of them were good from a business networking perspective. He seemed sad but still determined to do it. I hope he does it soon because I realized today that it also affects my ability to post family pics on FB. If I were to tag him in photos from this weekend, the OW friends may see and cause an issue. So I opted not to. I don't like to have my actions limited because of this. But I'm not going to force the issue just yet. I'll wait. I've been patient thus far and though things move slowly, they DO move.

In the morning, I was glad to see that H was STILL in the bed and sleeping soundly. Apparently he had no anxiety attacks overnight. As we were about to leave and go pick up D, he gave me a great big hug and thanked me for the date. He said "I feel good when I'm with you. And I'm not used to that." I thought it was sweet but weird and just said nothing and thought about his statement. I guess he realized the statement sounded weird too, so he added "I don't mean it's weird to feel good with YOU, it's just weird to feel good period." That was better but still a slight concern in my mind and something I'll need to watch. I can't be his band-aid in making him feel happy. That needs to come from him. Fortunately, I see him making small but consistent strides towards that direction.

On Saturday, a friend of H came in from out of town. H decided that it would be best for him to stay at our house. Therefore, H decided to stay at our house. Thus marked the first successful overnight stay at HOME for H. Unfortunately, he did NOT sleep well on Saturday and had to take a Xanax at about 3am. But he stayed. I don't think D knows he did that since she went to bed beforehand and got up afterwards. Anyhow, on Sunday, we all went to a local spring to do some SCUBA diving. D was going to get scuba certified but panicked at the last minute. She was scared and crying. I could see that H was very frustrated but I think my patience with her prevented him from exploding on her. In the end, she bailed on the whole thing but I dove with H. I haven't been diving with him in years and had my own slight panic issue but worked through it and ended up having a good time. I got cold really quick though and didn't end up doing a second dive. H went on a deeper second dive with his buddy.

After the dive, H and his friend drove to another town where they will be working for the next couple days. D and I drove home. Before I left, H took me aside and said that once he returns home, he plans to stay at home. Course, he's kind of said that before and had trouble delivering. But I know he's trying and he's actually managed to do it once successfully. So we will see. We STILL haven't officially told D anything but he's being a lot bolder about showing affection to me in front of her. I know it has not gone without notice. Since I forced him to tell her he was moving out, I feel it is his place to let her know he will be moving back in. I think he's been afraid to do so because by doing it, he's kind of making a commitment to her. And while I know he wants to, the reality of it is a bit large for him. And that's OK. Everything in it's own time.

[TAMF]

hey girlfreind - sounds like it was a pretty good weekend. I am glad that you two went on a "date". Sounds like he is doing better with overnighters (hope you are too) :-)

I am not posting for a while...just not feeling like it anymore. too much going on in my head - told H I was letting him go. Still attached to me, he doesn't seem to be making any progress. I am not either. I love him, but I need to let go. I printed off edivorce information and gave it to him. He asked if we could wait to discuss until after the first of the year. I told him absolutely - I just wanted him to see the information and what it would take to file. We hugged for a long time and put it off once again. I am just so darn tired of everything.

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

H returned from his trip out of town yesterday. Once again, his best friend stayed with us and H slept with me. And once again, he had sleeping issues. But unfortunately, that's not anything super new since he's had sleeping issues for years. But it appeared they were sleeping issues and NOT anxiety issues so that's good.

H had to drop his friend off at the airport super early this morning so once again D has no idea (or prolly does but isn't saying anything) that H spent the night. I wasn't sure whether he was going to come back to the house or go back to his place for the day. He ended up coming back to the house and going back to bed.

I have to admit the return of H is a little weird. I went into the bathroom and was very confused at why there was a toothbrush there that I didn't recognize. It seriously took me several seconds to work through the process of realization. And seeing contact lens solution in the medicine cabinet caught me off guard.

One sad event happened earlier this week. I had texted H to let him know he left a shirt laying on the bed. I jokingly asked if it was his way of leaving me a memento. He apologized and told me I should just hang it up in the closet since he needs to move his stuff back. So there I was, with his shirt in hand having to undue one of the ONLY good things about his leaving in the first place. I had to cut my closet space to half I really was sad about it but the reason for it DEFINITELY outweighs the loss. But I am still a girl and do so love me some closet space.

Anyhow, today H slept quite late and then "went to work" at his place. That's the daily plan for now. He apparently plans to come back once he's done working at the end of the day and will resume his life with us. Now the true work begins. We've only tended to be together for certain reasons. Now he's just going to be hanging out all the time and I think this will be the true test of our reconciliation.

[Mila]

Alb, just catching up with your tread....things are progressing very nicely with your H in my opinion and I'm so so happy for you, keep up the good work

[TAMF]

Alb - as hard as the future will be, it is fantasic that you are together doing it. I seriously mean it, I am happy for you.

[hope for zen]

Wow, Alb.

Just... wow.

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

It's been awhile since my last post and not much to report actually. Although H spent the night with us a few nights, it hasn't continued. I had to go out of town shortly after my last post. H stayed at the house with D. When I returned, he was friendly and all and we went out to eat. But as soon as it got late, I saw him packing up his stuff. He told me he had to switch out clothes or something like that, but I knew he really just wanted to leave. So I said goodbye and wondered why it was he felt he needed to go. He texted me a short time later and apologized for the abruptness of his leaving. I guess he had run out of xanax over the weekend and was having a difficult time keeping it together and just needed some time away. I told him to take his time.

The pattern has continued these last few weeks. In fact, he's also seemed a lot more withdrawn physically. For the first few days afterwards, I'd greet him with hugs and kisses but I could tell it wasn't comfortable for him so I stopped initiating and kind of just let him take the lead on that. He's been kind and still very engaging, but definitely has taken a step back regarding us. However, he's told me a few times that he apologizes for his issues and he's working hard to correct them and feels he's making progress. So even though outwardly it seems as though things have stalled/backed up, this may be a necessary bump in the road.

Once again, I've had to leave town for a few days and he's staying at the house with D. My main issue recently has been with FB. Although he's broken it off with OW, she still remains his FB friend. She used to "like" and comment on all his status updates. That stopped after he broke it off. But recently, she's started doing it again. H knows my position on the subject and knows that I feel that there should be no contact between them. He wasn't too fond of the idea when I said it many months ago but kind of understood. Since then, he's mentioned a few times that he needed to go through his FB and purge some of the friends on it. But he hasn't. As with all things, I will not be forcing the issue. What he does with his life and the choices he makes need to be his own. But I do not want to see her name all the time. I woke up this morning to see him commenting on the eclipse and seeing her comment back. So I chose to defriend him. I have not told him. I'm sure he'll figure it out eventually. I thought about it for awhile before I did it to make sure I wasn't overreacting. (I've been considering it for a few days) I don't think I am overreacting but welcome comments. I'm aware it makes me unable to monitor their communication, but if we are to be working on our R, I shouldn't have to be doing that. He will have to realize that. If H asks why I did so, I will be honest with him.

As for me, I'll be out of town until Wednesday night. I'm not sure of H's plans for Christmas. I know he'll be with us but I don't know if he plans on staying over on Christmas Eve or just coming over early on Christmas Day. I can't say his pulling back hasn't bothered me, but I knew going into this that it wouldn't be smooth sailing. I continue to see him working on himself but unfortunately, this stuff often goes at a snails pace. But forward motion is forward motion.

I've been looking at MC options. I haven't talked to H about going but I think I will start going on my own for now. When and if H actually moves back, I think it would be wise if we both go. If and when he moves back, I'll suggest it. For now, I'm trying to concentrate on continuing my own personal growth. I think for a time, I lost sight of that.