If you two really are on the way to recovery, I think you both need to get some professional help. Too many times on these boards I've seen people stop trying after their spouses come back and then the same problems resurface.
And in the case of A's, it's not unusual for there to be false reconciliations where both of you aren't on the same level. Those are to be expected. But if you two stick with it, you can come out a much stronger couple.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Wow, dbmod floored me with that response. That's about the most unselfish and caring advice I could have ever asked for. I'm doing just that, but scared that she's going to fall back down that very black hole.
She's mentioned needing closure from the OM -- and even feels a little guilty. I've told her that she cannot see him or she'll fall right back in. I can tell she's troubled by it.
She has agreed that we need to try and salvage our relationship so I guess all I can do is hope. That's a long way from where we were a few months ago.
Also, she is in counseling and I have been too. But we haven't started any couples counseling. We both agree that what we don't want is the same marriage we had before all this started. I'm just trying to figure out if we need couples counseling now (while she's still a little in the fog) or when she's over the OM.
I'd get into MC now while your W is willing and the situation is fresh. It's easy to slip back into old patterns of behavior once the crisis is over. Besides, regardless of what you or your W have said about the M, there's still a lot more unspoken.
To quote from one of my favorite young adult novels, _Walk Two Moons_ by Sharon Creech, "The truth was hidden beneath piles and piles of unsaid things."
Ultimately, those unsaid things and undealt with issues is how most of us get into this place in our marriages. A good MC will help you say the hard things, listen to each other, and communicate better. Do your research and look for someone who is solution-based and has experience with couples counseling. Ask friends, look on Yelp, do Google searches on prospective therapists. And if the MC isn't a good fit for you as a couple, then don't hesitate to find another one.
DBing helped me stop a potential divorce and EA, but MC is what helped me build a great marriage. There's no substitute for in-person help to deal with all of those unsaid and hurtful things.
H and I stayed in MC for almost two years. While we were estranged and up until about 6 months after we reconciled, we went weekly. Our MC then weaned us to biweekly, then monthly, then bimonthly until we decided we were ready to handle it on our own. It's laid the foundation for the way we deal with things in our M now.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I really hope so dbmod. I really do. Thanks for the encouragement.
I agree SD, we need counseling, but she says she doesn't think that she can do any more counseling than the personal therapy she's getting now. She wants to let our relationship breath and not just pick it up too intensely when she is still so confused.
I don't like it.
I feel that if we're going to work on it, then we should work on it. She wakes up daily with a different emotion and I'm trying to do what dbmod suggests by being there for her, but I'll be honest -- it's driving me crazy.
I want to give her the space and support she needs, but it feels like I'm hanging myself at the same time. The weird thing is ... she's my wife!!!!
Man, I'll bet this happens quite a bit, but rarely do I hear much about it.
but she also says that there are still lingering feelings for him. Also, I feel like the story of how they broke it off doesn't add up. I know they've ended it, but not sure if she ended it. Does that even matter?
She's mentioned needing closure from the OM -- and even feels a little guilty.
She feels guilty for ending the A with him?
She does not need closure! I've heard that one before.....several times as a matter of fact. It's like a drug addict saying they just need one more fix and then they'll have closure. It doesn't work that way.
I see several red flags waving in the air, so be careful and remember that you are not the one who has to prove trust, she does. A WAW will try to turn the tables and cause the H to feel that he has to prove that she can trust him. What nonesense!
She will have feelings for him for a while. It will be very rough pulling out of that fog and the A addiction. That's why it's called grieving. If she will not backslide and go back into the A, then there's a good chance that she'll make it and work on the M.
But, I want to throw this in also.....you've got to realize that she has to deal with all these feelings and she's not going to have her heart into working on the M. That was what my H kept harping on. He wanted to see me putting 100% into working on the M. My gosh, I was just trying to get movitivated enought to get out of bed every day! I felt like I was doing the best I could just to survive what I had been through. I don't mean that like I was a victim. I was a mess and wasn't able to give very much to my MR except to work at not contacting OM. That was work for me.
Don't ever tell her how you found your information. That is your source and if she should go back to OM, she'll take the A underground and cover up her tracks better the second time around.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Listen to Sandi! I heard the closure line not too long ago, 3 months into a serious/significant effort into piecing our M back together, and I couldn't prevent it...she reached out to OM...and now we seem more likely to separate than to piece because she fed the addiction
Secondly, like sandi says, don't reveal how you know. Everytime I did that, W and OM found a new, harder to detect method to communicate.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Thanks everyone for all the help -- as usual, you were right on the money. Last Wednesday I felt that something wasn't right even though the reconciliation was going well. I was right.
I found a secret cell phone in her purse and read the text messages. She was back with him and planning a life with me. I immediately confronted her and a very ugly situation took place.
She is now out of our home and cannot come back (legally). While I believe in DB fully, my wife has lost her mind and it's not coming back soon enough for our family.
What I've learned: trust your gut, take care of your kids and that love will not take care of everything.
I wish everyone well as I take my new, sad journey. Good luck.
