How.......good question. I try every day to take a step forward. I am currently reading two books to help me understand myself and how to recover from this. I am still looking for answers.
I try to focus on what I want --- without my H. I try to focus on being a family of 4 instead of 5. I'm surviving. I am handling it all. I "get it all done." I can see a future without him in it. I couldn't do this 3 years ago. I don't have another choice. My H is done. My marriage is dead. These things I know.
I keep getting sucked back in to how wrong this feels. I feel like a failure.
Feeling like a failure keeps me stuck. My memories keep me stuck. The physical memories - the reminders of everything in my house, everything I own that is tied to H and our M keep me stuck. I can't stop loving my H - the person I've loved for 30 years, despite all of THIS - and that keeps me stuck.
I can go on with my life. I can move forward on my own, but as a failure at all that I believed to be important in life. All that I knew. A failure to my H. A failure to my children, denying them the family they deserved.
I'm not the one that gave up on my M. But I'm the one that feels like the failure.
What keeps me stuck? Why is this so much easier for others? Why can't I just file for D like my H wants and be done? I wish I knew.
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
I keep getting sucked back in to how wrong this feels. I feel like a failure.
Feeling like a failure keeps me stuck. My memories keep me stuck. The physical memories - the reminders of everything in my house, everything I own that is tied to H and our M keep me stuck. I can't stop loving my H - the person I've loved for 30 years, despite all of THIS - and that keeps me stuck.
I can go on with my life. I can move forward on my own, but as a failure at all that I believed to be important in life. All that I knew. A failure to my H. A failure to my children, denying them the family they deserved.
I'm not the one that gave up on my M. But I'm the one that feels like the failure.
What keeps me stuck? Why is this so much easier for others? Why can't I just file for D like my H wants and be done? I wish I knew.
What have you failed at exactly ?
I'm not seeing the things you say as being a failure at all....
You are raising a family by yourself....And if that equates being a failure, then most of us here are failures as well....
B...All of these things you are feeling are normal...
Is it the fear of failure that concerns you ?
Or is it the fear of success without him ?
Success shouldn't be measured in terms of your status. Only defined by what is inside of yourself...
As for filing....
As long as you are protecting yourself financially, then what is different or would be different from that happening ?
19. There is wealth of wonderful advice given here, but only helps when you are ready and "able" to do the WORK---and listen it.
Horses and water.
Getting upset that someone doesn't get it, and thinking that talking louder will help them get it, is sort of like getting mad that a 2nd grader cannot do algebra and that by yelling at them they should be able to.
Your list is a good one for you to work on.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hi, I am writing what I hope will be a sort of encouragement . . You are 3 years post bomb? I am 5+ and so many of the things that you list, including about time bringing distance and easing the pain, but not erasing it, feeling like a failure, none of it making sense, grieving for what you and your children have lost, I still felt so very vividly at that 3 year mark, and was baffled that I felt so strongly after three years.
The pain fades until it is bearable, (you know when you have hurt your finger, or have a bad mouth ulcer - it is THERE all the time, and then one day it just doesn't hurt as much) your children continue with their lives, and (in the case of my kids) have an emotional maturity that so many of their peers do not have. They learn that life can be horrible, but they have the strength ot go on.
I had a long, and I believe, very happy marriage. I am not saying that everything is fine now, without my husband, but it is bearable. I feel happiness again, often, and have a zest for life again. I understand in part, but there are things I do not understand, and probably never will. I can live with that now.
Detachment and acceptance do come eventually, but as a by-product of a happier frame of mind, I think. Yes, I still have bad days, but I do not think about by husband as often as I used to do. I still love him, have no desire for another relationship, but I have rebuilt my life.
A very old and good friend recently said to me that she envied my lovely life. I was very startled because it is still hard work at times, but that throwaway remark moved me on again. I have made it. I can love my husband from afar, and in my heart, as if I were a widow. He has died to me, and to my children effectively, and that is very sad, but now I can access the good times.
It is a long haul, much longer than most people think, but all grieving takes a long time, if it is something that was very dear to us.
I feel like a failure because my marriage has failed. Was I the one that walked away? Was I the one that turned to someone else? No. Do I think I played a role in whatever led up to that happening? Absolutely. Does it matter that I've worked on my issues and even before doing that would have done ANYTHING to prevent THIS from happening? NO.
I am not raising a family by myself. My H is very much in the picture with the kids. They live almost half time with him. He has always been a good father, despite his flakiness and MLC-like behaviour at times. He remains in their lives, and that makes it feel like more of a clear rejection of me. I didn't "out" his affair to all. I don't even know if most of the world sees what those that are close to him see, or saw. He appears to be on "top of the world." Maybe add some resentment over this to my sense of failure......what a loser.....
I don't think I fear failure, because I feel like I have failed--no reason to be afraid of what I feel has happened.
Do I fear success without him? I don't think so. I can successfully hold it all together and function without him. I am now. I know that I don't NEED him, and that doesn't scare me.
I'm scared of the finality of divorce. I'm afraid of it being over - although our M has been dead for some time now. I always felt like my H was a part of me, I still feel like he is a part of me, and losing him is a huge loss. In the beginning of this I thought the loss would be temporary.
I don't think I "appear" to be a failure. It's the within that I need to work on.
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
Jack - thanks for stopping by. I'm glad you haven't given up on us (me).
Beatrice - I do appreciate the words of encouragement, and I think I understand. Although another 2 years of pain aren't a welcome thought. I know the pain is not going to just go away. I have wished it away daily and it's still there.
I do have days of joy. I don't have days that I don't think of him - but most days only briefly. I do find enjoyment in life, but I can't shake the nagging feeling that I am incomplete - and I think the holidays approaching are making that feeling stronger. Some days I wish I could wake up and feel the way my H treats me - as if we never meant anything to each other...as if WE never existed. It's hard. I have always cherished my memories - but now they come with pain. It is very hard not to doubt them and believe my H's revisionist view. I guess if I could do that it might help with the pain......which is why he's rewritten his memories......
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
Struggling with work.......and the following song pops up on my Pandora:
I been tryin' For a long long time But no matter what I do When I turn to leave My heart stays behind 'Cause I can't get over you
I keep moving on Runnin' hard and fast But everywhere that I run to I'm just standing still Living in my past 'Cause I can't get over you
If memories were like the leaves that fall When would I carry them from my mind? The seasons pass, but they never change A broken heart can't keep time
While I watch those colors Fading in the sun The color of my love stays true I've been lettin' go now I'm not holdin' on I just can't get over you
I just can't get over you...
Kind of says it all.................
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
