I have been up and down this past week. feeling ill with the flu hasn't helped. He withdrew quite a bit after the talk. And MLC amnesia set in. TWICE Once in regards to toys and stuff coming from their house to mine. It is causing big fights with my girls and so I pack them up and send them back saying I don't want them here. I am trying to declutter as well. Well he asked why they couldn't bring things home. So once again I explained the fights and decluttering and he said just throw it out. I can't. I don't want the girls to see me as the bad one who tosses out the things OW gets them. Ugh. So told him he can do what he wants with them back at his place. I don't want things here. Also one night he was here and the girls and I were chatting about going to the snow for a holiday next year (it is summer here now) a few days later in front of OW he was talking to them about taking them on a holiday to the snow. I didn't say anything to him but it was like WTF? The only good thing was that D13 managed to say mum is taking us remember dad? So either he totally forgot (more than likely) and thought it was a great idea OR he mentioned it as a mistake (thinking he is coming with us) or he is going to undercut me, which is unlikely because he really hasn't been that way inclined since the initial monster disappeared. I mean he recently told OW he wasn't buying gifts for our daughters with her it will be with me and also that for Xmas he will be here. Winter is a long way off so will worry about it a litle closer to time. On Thursda he was here for our normal family tea. He asked for a neck massage he doesn't understand why he is so sore. Well I know, when you internalise stuff it comes out. He has been so ill these last few months and stress tightens his muscles always has and the amount of pain killers he goes through here... I gave it to him took the moment to do reiki as well. At tea he was feeling old because d10 is starting to develop. And we were laughing and joking around and I said to the girls see this is why you're dad is having a MLC. The girls laughed and H gave me a look which made me go uhoh and then his eyes shifted and he laughed and agreed. It wasn't fake but the laugh was self deprecating. He was still good after that. Chatting and anyway he was doing something and the girls were playing with him and I couldn't help it I leaned over and said in a low voice that he really was the best dad in the world. The smile he gave me was worth so much. He said thanks. Now when he was building up to BD with me he was working longer and longer hours (this was before OW even worked there) and when BD happened he stopped working so much, part of his job was to travel to different towns and suburbs but he changed that as well. Now I know he has been working longer hours not always but it has been increasing. Well last night he was talking to me and he told me it looks like he will be upping the other visits as well. Ok. Fine. But I know how tired he was and how frustrated he was with it all and wondering why he would want to go there again. Not my business but still you go,why? Why do that to yourself again. Anyway he kissed me goodbye twice nice kisses not pecks. And chatted to me all the way to his car. A quick touch and go.
DIdn't see him much friday as I went to a party and he picked the girls up from gymnastics. And today I won't see him much as he and OW are at a BBQ with his family. I miss my girls though.
Well the girls were home earlier than anticipated. Not complaining but normally family BBQs last till late. H sent OW to the car and we chatted for a little while. Told me he would be back Sunday. Well he was at 6.20am. Holy Dooley that is early. LOL. I helped him with a sick parrot and he started talking and that happened for the rest of the day. The girls and I went to the markets and when we came back I we kept talking. Interspersed with chatting joking and laughing. We talked about our girls, what happened, how he's feeling, our dreams. No coming home talk but it was important stuff. He led the way each time. We discussed how we both said things that was misunderstood and put each other on the defensive. At one point he told me how good I was to stand by him while he went through this $hit I answered that I thought he was worth it always had even if I hadn't shown it. We also spoke about the OW as she has been buying the girls heaps, heaps of things now I don't begrudge the girls the stuff as I don't have alot of money but I told him that it was hard sometimes and HE said it feels like a competition and it feels bad for him as he can't afford to either and he asked her to stop but she won't. Well that's not my problem if she wants to emasculate him that works for me. It was a really nice day nothing Sorted out but it doesn't matter. I have no doubt he will withdraw again and that's ok as my life doesn't hang on his.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I have noticed a change within him a BIG change. It has nothing to do with me. BUt I am curious. H has been doing his 4wd up. It looks pretty good. The BIL reckons it is rather retro (80s) and I had to laugh because that fitted with the age I had put H (16-17) at while working on the car. Stickers with werewolves, flames, the colouring, like said it looks pretty good totally different from anything H had eveer described when doing up a vehicle. Now he has been spending hours here on the beast, if something was wrong with the paint stripping it back and doing it again, really taking care with it. But I noticed a huge difference this weekend. He realised there were marks in the paint and it was a totally different reaction. It was 'this is just my play vehicle who cares if the paint is wrong.' It was a change from even a week ago where he was carefully polishing an carrying on with it. Even the inside a week ago he had been deciding how to really finish it up and now... well now he still wants it to look nice but it isn't with the same interest.
Can they suddenly finish with a stage? Once they have worked through something can that behaviour disappear?
Can they suddenly finish with a stage? Once they have worked through something can that behaviour disappear?
Hi Shantilly!
I can only answer based on what I witnessed in my H, but I believe it's true of many MLCers. I know we want them to hurry up already and zip through those stages, so we spend quite a bit of time analyzing how far they've got. However, I found it was only retrospectively, looking back, that I could tell when my H transitioned from one stage to another.
In my H's case, teenaged thinking (my H was 13-14 whereas yours is 16-17) was not so much a "stage" as an attitude. It fueled the emotionality of his Anger stage, the immature romance and obsession with sportscars and motorcycles of Replay, his "why me?" attitude during Depression, his choice of inappropriate confidants during Withdrawal, and he cycled between using his teenaged brain and his mature brain well into Acceptance. His C had to teach him how to recognize the difference between the two brains, and how to access and prioritize the mature brain.
The fact that your H is using his mature brain about the vehicle doesn't mean that he's finished with the teenaged one--teenagers, after all, can suddenly give up on one interest to pursue another--but is merely just a change in focus.
Watching your MLCer to see what stage he's in is about as much fun or use as watching the proverbial kettle boil. Plus, it's completely out of your control. What's in your control is your own life: what stage are you at in your quest to become the kind of woman you most admire? What would you still like to accomplish? Keep up the good work you've been doing.
Excellent description of the different stages that your husband went through.
Although I agree with you that the LBS should not watch the stages, somehow I just don't think that it gets through to the average LBS'er. Including me.
In retrospect IS the only way to tell the movement within the stages and the big caution that I would say is that you can't leave out any facts. Facts that the LBS'er may not even know. Like the presence of an unknown OW/OM.
I agree that the only one that we can work on is ourselves!
Oh yeah I know not to watch the kettle boil. Doing that especially when there are other things happening well.... LOL It was such a dramatic change but yes you are right. Trouble is I also find it fascinating. So to not watch goes against my interest in human behaviour. I am quite detached and will continue to journal what is happening. He isnaround so much that I may as well. My life does not hinge round his and I am normally quite detached. Nothing I can do will help him and I can only work on myself living life 'as if'. My interest in the workings of the mind has always existed and i can't help that such an interesting thing has been dumped in my lap. May not like it certainly can make the best of it though.
