You are so brave. It sounds too me like you handled everything wonderfully. I'm a little anxious for you even if you aren't, lol. But I really believe we need to detach like this and be responsible for our own happiness. You sound so great I hope things work out like you want, I do. I'm thinking the S may not happen, but if it does, just think about what would b right for you in those circumstances, you know? What sort of risk would you be willing to take for *you*? Nice that H was so reassuring about it in the way he was.
Thank you for visiting Pam, kitti, Kackie, Cathy, Christine, Deb, and Acorn (WOW, Acorn dropped by!). I am fine. I am thinking how to best handle the S in front of our D but apart from that, I really feel calm and detached.
H will pick us up at 9 pm and we are leaving for Houston at 10:30. Tomorrow is his birthday and then comes Sunday.
I do think he needs the space, I can feel him detaching too. But that is not bad... and it hurts less, definitively. And it will be a novelty for him: he has never done what he really wants to do, just what he is expected to do or what is his duty... He told me once that marrying me was the only thing he had ever done really for himself...
Nobody can be happy if it is not from within. We cannot give each other happiness but we can give peace. He needs to find his own happiness before we can have a hope for a R. He lives in a city he does not particularly like, has a job he dislikes and is exposed everyday to all sort of pressures... Add to that the death of most of his family (only his sister is left) in less than 5 years and his getting into the 40s (turns 43 tomorrow)...
I have purposefully refrained from calling my H's life crisis a MLC. I think that if I label him with any kind of psychological term, I am reducing him to a set of expected responses, and maybe subconsciously shifting my 50% of responsibility for the debacle. It is his problem not mine.
The problems in our R were created by both of us. We grew apart, not parallel and occasionally entwined. We were afraid of being rejected by the other, so we stopped communicating. His A was an extremely wrong and stupid decision in his part (I am not going to accept blame for that: I too was lonely and did not sleep with anyone) in which he tried to find happiness somewhere else. But of course we cannot get happiness from others, so he ended up more stressed and more unhappy.
I guess I am rambling... I have decided to stop being controlling and see what happens.
Quote: What does controlling mean? Controlling behavior is the need to have people, places and life with "shoulds" and "ought to be." Not expressing your feelings honestly, but with self-centerdness and manipulation of the environment around you. Feeling okay if things are the way you want them to be regardless of the needs or desires of others. It is a behavior that comes from fear -- fear of the unknown, of "falling apart" if people and situations are not the way you want them to be. It is a symptom of a family or systems dysfunction.
I found a neat little hand painted card for H's birthday. It says "I will go anywhere provided it is forward" And it is true. I will learn from the past, but I cannot let it shape my future.
I am a bit sad today for reasons that have nothing to do with my M. I received an e-mail from my mother yesterday: my brother and his W just lost a baby for the third time in 2 years. They do not seem able to get a pregnancy beyond the 3rd month. I ache so much for them... they've wanted a baby so much and for so long...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Quote: I do think he needs the space, I can feel him detaching too. But that is not bad... and it hurts less, definitively. And it will be a novelty for him: he has never done what he really wants to do, just what he is expected to do or what is his duty... He told me once that marrying me was the only thing he had ever done really for himself...
That statement is tremendously insightful, mature and loving. T2
Quote: I have purposefully refrained from calling my H's life crisis a MLC. I think that if I label him with any kind of psychological term, I am reducing him to a set of expected responses, and maybe subconsciously shifting my 50% of responsibility for the debacle. It is his problem not mine.
I like this idea, too. Life crisis makes it more about the individual. I know I've read everything about MLC and the stages and I find myself looking for the signs, responses that I've read about it. Life crisis makes it about them, and each person handles this differently, in essence aren't they searching for themselves and what they truly want/desire in their life, it is about them. MLC does kind of lump them all into one group, with expected responses, you are so right...click "light bulb" is on for me.
I know I have grown so much since the bomb, have found myself, am stilling learning and am a much better person and it was a life crisis that made me do this. My H's crisis triggered my crisis and it wasn't asked for, just as my H didn't ask for his crisis. Is this making any sense?
Quote: My H's crisis triggered my crisis and it wasn't asked for, just as my H didn't ask for his crisis. Is this making any sense?
This makes perfect sense!
There have been times that I have thought about how EASY it is to BLAME the issues and the situation on MLC. To use that as an excuse rather than looking, I mean REALLY looking inside me to find answers.
Well you are by now off to your weekend. Maybe it will bring some answers or opportunities with it.
You sound great this week in your posts. I like what you said about your H not having a MLC necessarily because it may not fit that definition. My H is not himself these months but when I look at the MLC stuff now, he doesn't readily fit that either.
I always look to you for strength and guidance and you haven't failed me yet. You go girl!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Sorry to hear about the sadness that has befallen your brother and his wife.
Quote: He lives in a city he does not particularly like, has a job he dislikes and is exposed everyday to all sort of pressures...
I know that my H's high stress job was creating an enormous amount of tension which allowed toxins to seep into our riddled relationship.
Quote: Add to that the death of most of his family (only his sister is left) in less than 5 years
The loss of most of his family members in such a short period of time must be very difficult for him - and for you.
"Being controlling" is an issue that has taken a long time for me to come to grips with...and still gripping. I never realized just how much I fed into my H insecurity, how much I dragged my nails down his pyschological blackboard, until I started doing the "work".
I think that you are doing the most loving and healing thing possible by graciously giving him time and space.
I am deeply impressed by the standard you have set for yourself, and the strength and grace you operate from during this trying time.
