WOW! We cross posted at exactly the same time. Not sure what I'm doing out of bed at this hour-maybe I'm too psyched over finals next week. I may be turning into a pumpkin soon. Haven't had an insomnia night for quite a while.
LOL Leftist bleeding heart political views...That ought to be good!
Somewhere in all my reading, I read that for every 7,000 words a women speaks, and man speaks only 2,000. That must explain your theory on men being simple creatures. I also read that while a woman can give details about something like going to the grocery store, it is of no interest to a man. We can say "I found the granola in isle 5 on the third shelf right next to the Lucky Charms." But a man really only wants to hear, "I went to the store." Clear, concise communication. That's probably one of the reasons that we females need to keep our female friends-to help us meet our need for conversation instead of expecting our men to do it all.
I'm flattered that I am the only woman that you would break your rule for.
Me, a happy DBer, wannabe divorcee, with no post D ER to talk about... A couple of pseudo-Rs, but no sex, and no ILY. I've had no post D ER crash... I like to think I'm past the point at which I'd have the sort of R y'all have been talking about. I think I am because I'm happy on my own, and totally totally done with H and our M. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not...
Anyway, this is what I think, right now....
1) This thread is amazingly helpful for people who have gone through what you have... It helps you process, share feelings, understand.... It is so good of you all to share so honestly in such a caring way.... this should be a bump thread, lol.
2) I think that these intense post D ERs serve a purpose. I think the intensity and pain afterwards is wrapped up in old stuff from the old M that wasn't resolved... that we couldn't face at that time. We become stronger, and that is why the breakup hurts more, because we can handle more. The post D ERs make us stronger, but at the same time recreate old patterns that we still have to resolve.
3) Maybe a different coping mechanism would be ideal, but we only have certain resources at certain times in our lives. I did things to cope with rape I certainly wouldn't do now... but, we do the best we can... you have to reach a new place before you can do something differently. That doesn't make what would be wrong now, horrible back then... just less than ideally useful for ideal persons... But, none of us are ideal, lol. So, I'm not sure how much this thread will stop anyone from heading down the same path, if that's where they are going...
4) We all need to keep in mind that most Rs WON'T work... we date very few people we want to M. There is nothing wrong with this, nor does it make those R's worthless, meaningless, or painless.
5) We need a magic DB pill, so we can each take what each other has learned. I think this could be a big money maker, lol. I can serve a detachment pill, dotto can serve a settlement pill, manisha can serve a compassion pill, and soup, well, soup will have to make some anti-self-cherishing pill soup i guess.
Anyway, all you perfectionists out there... do you beat yourself up for talking like a baby when you were a baby? Sure, it wouldn't be a good means of communication now. Sure, being able to use big words and full sentences at 18 months would have been a lot better than a temper tantrum, but... um.... So, don't beat yourself up now, don't wonder too much where you went wrong.... you were just learning and growing... not a bad thing at all :-)
Quote: I'm trying to work on it and learn the meaning of "tact" but it is a struggle.
LOL! I have an absolute intolerance for games, hypocrisy and half truths. I need to relax this a little. Bluntness has cost me dearly professionally and personally! I typically call things as I see them. People rarely have to guess at how I really feel about something or someone. It is so hard for me to not say what I really believe. Especially when I know I am right!
Duct tape is fast becoming my best friend.
I can see why quasi moto intrigued you! Either he is interesting or a psychopath chemist! LOL!
Dulcie, what are you studying in school?
BTW: I may be in Dubuque county next weekend as a part of the Dean campaign. Are you anywhere near there?
Apeman: Yes I have heard that song. Raining men huh? Can I custom order the rain? LOL!
Dulcie - thanks for the stats regarding womens words versus men - had to laugh - I email a guy friend of mine and go into way too much detail and of course his reply back (when he gets around to it - some 4 days later usually) is 2 sentences! My X was the same way - I like detail!
Dulcie, Apeman, Buster, Missy............seems like old times. lol
By the way, did you girls hear that, Apeman or Buster can't remember which one said they kicked our butts awhile ago. I really think it was the other way around. Oh, that's right, I think Apeman left Buster all by himself with us.
Ok, I haven't joined your group now, but I'm in a relationship as we speak, and I'm taking it really slow, but I think my GF wants to move alittle faster.
He said the other day he was looking for a wife and taking applications............I told him I wasn't filling out any, because I had been there and done that already.
He has been divorced 8 years, me 1 in Jan. I was separate 2 before that.
I still have to many issues to deal with I know this. Plus I'm learning to like being by myself without being lonely.
I don't want to end up alone, Oh I would hate that. I love sharing to much. But it's just to soon.
So.............am I doing an injustice to this really nice guy. I do have feelings for him, I do. But I'm not ready for a real commitment.
A question for you all. He has said things to me like, I was thinking, while I'm doing this or that, would you go to the store for me. I say NO, I've been there and did that already also. Or he said, what do you want for Christmas, you pick out something, and once again I said NO, I've been there and done that too.
Is this worng of me, I'm trying to be honest with him. I'm trying not to repeat the same things I did in my marriage, which was make it easy for my Ex, whatever he wanted I did. I DONT WANT TO DO THAT ANYMORE! Especially out of some fear that he will leave because of it.
So now I wonder, am I building walls, am I now asking for to much. Will this sooner or later drive him away? Or shouldn't I ask for these things in a relationship?
Oh brother..................this is just to mind boggeling, then I still have to deal with the Ex. He's having a Christmas party this Saturday, well I know it's her party, but....................he would never do that with me.
I still have alot of anger!!!! Wish I didn't.
Anyway, I guess hearing form you guys made me feel like I could get alot off my chest. I promise I won't be so heavy next time.
I'll never forget Gilligan's Island with all of you.
Since this is like old times, I just had to put my two cents in too! lol
Dulcie, this is a great thread...thanks.
Manisha, Patty, Apeman, Buster, Missy, Friend, nice to see you all again!
Friend,
Your post caught my eye especially. I think that it's great that you're in a new relationship and that it appears to be working out for you. I hope things continue to go well.
I just wanted to say take your time, don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with and listen to your heart. It will tell you when you are ready for a real commitment.
Are you building walls? Are you asking too much? Only you can answer that. Just don't do anything that doesn't feel right to you.
Okay, enough said. Hope everyone has a great Christmas and the New Year brings you everything you want it to.
as usual I may sound like I am in the minority....
I seem to thrive as a contrarian voice.
What is rebounding?
A relationship that you enter to make you feel good about yourself.
where that other person is treating you like you want to be treated, like you feel you deserve to be treated.
But.....Isn't that what a normal relationship has as well?
Don't I stay in a relationship where I feel good? Don't I consider the notion of leaving if I don't feel good?
Unfortunately, many people have a hard time balancing their own needs and the needs of the other person.
I feel we are a nation of poorly performing social beings. We have few skills for forming long lasting meaningful intimate couples.
We know the language, we simply don't know the true meaning of the words.
We talk of intimacy, and then cringe or run when it presents itself,
we say we know ourselves, and then we are constantly amazed at our capacity for screwing up a perfectly possible undertaking.
we want success without risk.
Yes, we are all damaged to such an extent that the risk is almost beyond our capacity to face.
We stand at the edge of the pool, watching others swim, but we ourselves are reluctant because we once choked on some water.
Will a new relationship kill you?
I like what Dr. Phil McGraw said about his practice as a Doctor ... that he faced unheard of and inconceivable depravity in human beings. yet he isn't threatened..... why?
Because he knows he can handle whatever they dish out and it won't kill him.
Will another person kill you? only if you let them. Only if they get close enough, only if you let down your guard, only if you give them permission.
that set of conditions is met each day by every person you come into contact with....
But you are still alive each evening.
The truth is that almost no one is going to hurt you, you se far more likely to hurt yourself.
I feel this: You can be strong enough to date when you understand, when you fully realize that you will not be harmed in any way by another person leaving you.
You may be scared that another person you are dating will hurt you.... but you face that fear and date anyway.
For myself, I face the daily realization that my fiance', Crisch, could die suddenly in a car wreck, die slowly from a disease, suddenly become "someone else" because of physiological causes , meet someone else that is an overwhelming satisfier of her unmet and unknown needs.
She could leave me. PERIOD.
And I will not die.
I will go on.
I will be fine.
I don't count on her being the source of my significance, my meaning, the quality of my life, the fountainhead of my success.
I only want her to be herself, and to be honest with herself and me.
She wants the same from me.
I don't want to portray she and I as being any different than anyone else, DBer's or not.
Crisch and I could torch out in a year, but I don't think so.
I want this understood....One thing that has been a big influence on us, is the presence of her son....who is still hurting and healing from the split of his parents.
We make progress, and we can only go as fast as the slowest member of the family.... that little boy.
To sum up,
Please work on yourself in the context of your surroundings, in the context of being a social human being.
You may THINK you'll be fine, you won't.... but it also won't be as bad as you think.
That is the GOAL.. that is the target, not to have a bullseye on the first try, but to get better and better by practice.
You;'ll finally develope some calouses, some thickness of hide, some endurance, some experience , or as Michelle would say, you'll see things differently after you have tried something different.
Don't be afraid to try, simply becasue you are afraid of success.
Think of children.... they learn by doing.
If it takes you 5 years of dating to get it right, so be it.
Isn't that about what you had to do in high school and college?
that didn't kill you either.... your reading this is proof of that.
I understand.... i nkow.... I have made huge mistakes....
I am still here on this earth.
Cut yourselves and anyone else some slack.
Don't expect perfection from another person or from yourself.
Friend: My take on it is he has been alone a lot longer than you. He is stating what he would like to see happen in the future - perhaps not put up a wall and get scared but talk about it - tell him that the divorce is still so fresh and I need to take things very slow, that you are still enjoying getting to know him etc. Don't be surprised if he doesn't want to wait and that his agenda is different. But at the same time - don't punish yourself because you aren't ready to take that path.
As for him asking you to go to the store for him while he was doing something - I probably would have said sure - a relationship is a give or take thing in my opinion - I enjoy doing things for people and don't look for what is in it for me if I do it. But everyone is different. The christmas gift thing - again, and I hate to use this analogy - but men in general are afraid to buy for the women because they fear rejection or that look on our faces "what were you thinking when you bought me this?".
I perceive you are afraid to let him in to your world and boy oh boy I know that feeling well! I have huge walls built around my life - perhaps I'm afraid to give up my regained independence? Perhaps ultimately I don't want to share my world - but yet I like male company. All in time my girlfriend, all in time!
Just be open and honest and see where this road may lead
I haven't been on the bb the past couple of days and just checked in to see where it was going. Had my first final last night, I think I did pretty well-guess we'll see!
Manisha, I had to look up Dubuque and see if it was in Dubuque county or if it was like my home towm which is in Des Moines County but it's not Des Moines! To answer your question, Dubuque is about 3 hours up river-not very far away.
I am hoping to gain admission into the mental health counseling program at WIU. I haven't decided which route I'd like to pursue yet-adult mental health, or working with children. Because I have Adult ADD, I'd like to work with kids with the same issue. I'd like to catch them early and help them understand in what ways they are different and help them make the most of their strengths and talents. I have learned to manage mine without medication and hope that I can be helpful to others. LOL That's probably more than you wanted to know.
If it really was Quasi Moto, he left out the part about the hump on his back...Somehow the thought of a derranged chemist is intriguing.
