It doesn't make much sense, does it? I did the same thing-I wondered how someone I was with for only 6 months could hurt worse than the ending of my marriage. I just think our attachment was not a healthy one. We had been through about the same thing and leaned a little too hard on each other instead of learning to lean more on ourselves.
I guess what I hope for my next R is that we will have more positive things in common than the negative of painful divorces. Everything was still pretty raw for me at that time.
Ha Ha! I am learning not to correct mistakes in my work that don't really matter! It is such a struggle for me! Part of my therapy too - counting my progress via my mistakes! LOL!!
I am finding out that the world really does not fall apart when I make a mistake! What a revelation!
Dulcie - You are still a perfectionist because you had to acknowledge the typo. I'm a slob and didn't notice it. But I know you have accepted it and you sound like you are in a pretty good place at the moment. And yes I let you gloat and couldn't call you on it because my team leaves me at a disadvantage this year. Seems like Steeler's fans would keep quiet too but to each his own.
Manisha - It does help to talk about it and I can relate to your pain as well. We want to understand why and want a solution and timeframe for everything. I wish it worked that way. For me I've just gotten better at dealing with all the crap thrown at me. You can look at the positives and the negatives of anything and you just hope at some point it flip flops to the positive. At least I'm right in the middle again at the moment. Still have bad stuff happening all the time but it doesn't bother me as much. I'm about to be jobless, not sure if I can keep my house, my daughter's teacher from last year who I also befriended and admired was arrested a week ago for child molestation and my Dad is having major surgery next Wednesday. I guess I'm going through a bad stretch but at another point in my life it would have got me really down. It's hard but I feel stronger these days for some reason. All this stuff doesn't change the fact that I've got the most beautiful girl in the world who loves me dearly no matter what I do, I've been blessed with health and of course strikingly good looks - well a good sense of humor anyway. I don't live in Iowa. I just get up every day and do my best and that is good enough for me and that's all that matters. I have God on my side as well and I just accept whatever he tests me with. Yea it's hard sometimes but that's what makes life so precious and it's easier for me to be an optimist. If you take a moment and look around I'm sure you can find some positives - don't forget to take a look around every once in a while. My Mom and Dad need me right now and I get a chance to pay back a little of all they've done for me and that's a gift I'm thankful for. I'm going to watch my football team at Dad's tomorrow. It will be a good day.
Hey Buster - It's great to hear from you. Will you please stop being so hard on yourself! Those baseball Moms were just saying what we figured out long ago - that you're a weirdo. No - that is what you think they were thinking when in fact they were lucky to have you as a coach. That's great you got to do that. You know how many Dad's would love to have the time to coach their kids baseball team. I'm sure the Moms were happy to have you as coach. Stop worrying about other people and you'll be fine. There are plenty of other weirdos out there that will accept you the way you are. I always think I'm different too and I've learned that people like me for that when I used to always worry about fitting in. Now I look at it as an asset. Different is good. Don't get me wrong Buster - I certainly have my days. To tell you the truth winter is always a challenge for me. If I can't get outside I get a little stir crazy. Of course I'm lonely quite often and miss cuddling up with someone on a cold rainy night. But the difference is I don't feel lonely - just every once in a while. I was painfully lonely 2 years ago. Now I get to read books, watch what I want on TV and go on my adventures whenever I want. The things I do, like shaving everyday, are for me and not someone else. Think of all the little things you take for granted that you are already doing for you that you used to do for someone else. It's kind of empowering for me. OK I'll repeat it again - time is what you need. My doggies and many other pets also are always here for me so I'm never really alone. For me being out in nature, even by myself, is all the company I need. I'm still trying to find myself and never expect to really but I like me a whole lot better than a couple years ago and I bet if you think about it you do to - you not me - I know you love me but this is about you. LOL
Anyway I'm glad you checked in Buster. I got some Christmas presents to wrap and a dog accident to clean up. Those old dogs just can't hold it like they used to - lucky for them I love them so much but they reciprocate unquestionably. I hope I find a girl that loves me 1/2 as much as my dogs do! So far they've only put me in the dog house.
Well maybe I'm on the minority here..........the end of my first post-divorce R was in no way as painful as the end of my 16-yr marriage and breakup of my family. I met her a year or so after X walked and we had a long-distance R for about a year. I was eager to try out all the new skills I had been practicing since the bomb, and I was feeling pretty good about myself since I had done a lot of work on myself.
I rushed into love, gave too much too quickly and ignored the warning signs. But, we did have some wonderful intimate times and I learned that I could love again (and be loved, after a fashion).
When it ended I was very depressed.......for 2 days. I snapped out of that and dealt with more balanced emotional distress about it. I also did some self-analysis and discovered a few more factoids about my own behaviors.
I'm still wrestling w/my loneliness. It's very difficult for me to not want to fill the void left by loss of partner 3 years ago. I'm an old dog but I AM learning some new tricks, so I put myself out and fall on my face, as Wiseguy seems to recommend.
Manisha,...its FPDRBH club for short...lol...if i could charge a fee to be in that club i'd be rich. I hear what your saying about having more positive things going on in the next relationship. At my age (41...shhh)...the only people i seem to meet are either going to be divorced or have other type problems. At the time when you meet someone going through the same thing it bonds you together...it seems thats the only thing you talk about. Maybe at that time its good to talk about those things...but it will be refreshing later on when you meet someone thats past it all...and so are you...then you will have more positive stuff to do and talk about(wonder what year that will be?)
Apeman, nice hearing from you too...sounds like your positive self as always. What your doing with the family is really special...i hope things work out for the best. Sometimes when my mind is cluttered with the stuff im going through i'll forget to do something for my mom. I then get angry at myself for letting my mind get to preoccupied with thoughts about stupid stuff...that i forget about family. Family is whats most important.
I'll really have to work on the living alone stuff. Its just that the way i feel when im seeing someone...compared to how i feel when im not is alot different. On a scale its like when your with someone and its going good i feel like ...lets say an 8 or so...and when im not and here alone i feel like a 4 or so...know what i mean? I dont want to bring that 8 down when i meet someone...so i have to work on getting that 4 up when i dont. Theres nothing like the feeling you get when your involved and happy with someone...but that doesn't mean you cant also be happy living alone.
Dulcie...you want everyone to think you have that option "A" personality but we all know better. You had me believing it and sucked me into that bet...knowing all along the Bungles were on there way up...and the Steelers were spiraling down. You took advantage of me...knowing my devotion to my team...how do you feel? Still pondering what it is you should get for winning....i will get you back someday.
Quote: I'll really have to work on the living alone stuff. Its just that the way i feel when im seeing someone...compared to how i feel when im not is alot different. On a scale its like when your with someone and its going good i feel like ...lets say an 8 or so...and when im not and here alone i feel like a 4 or so...know what i mean? I dont want to bring that 8 down when i meet someone...so i have to work on getting that 4 up when i dont.
You got the crux of the problem, Busta. I have many moments of feeling happy, contented, fulfilled, etc. while alone. But when I think there is someone "special" out there thinking about me too it colors my whole mood: I feel more purposeful in some sort of probably dependent way.
I guess the 2 areas I need to focus on are: raising that 4 up to 8, and checking out that thought/feeling reaction to being in R.
You are correct and I think it falls under the heading of - once a perfectionist, always a perfectionist. What is different is my reaction to it. In the past, a screw up was cause for relentless self-flagellation but now I can actually laugh about it and keep it in a more realistic perspective.
I'm confused - you live in California so what is there to drive you stir crazy in the winter? You guys don't even have snow! (and I'm sorry, up in the mountains doesn't count) Even snow doesn't keep me in! I snowshoe and cross country ski. Of course, there is the lost art of making snow angels and snowball fights which I will probably NEVER out grow. I'd hate to think that all that California living has made you soft mountain man! Maybe a trip to snow country would help you put it into proper perspective. Bring your long underwear...LOL
So, all kidding aside, sorry to read about your Dad-I will keep your family in my prayers.
Bluedogg - I understand what you are saying and sometimes feel guilty that the marriage break up hurt less. I think for me, the marriage had gotten so bad and was for so long that it was almost a relief when it ended. I'm pretty sure if you asked my x, he would say the same thing.
The rebound was different. We could communicate. I knew things about him in 6 months that I never knew about my x in 13 years. I did learn a lot from it also-most importantly-like you say, that I could love and be loved again and I will always hold on to that.
Thanks for visiting...
buster, I'm still laughing at the thought of me taking advantage of you. LOL Yeah, but you liked it though, didn't you? HA!
Dulcie - I m abasket case today - if you are around - please read my thread - what the heck ? What do I do with all these feelings ? I want to call him - I won'tdo it - I want to wake up and have it be tomorrow - somebody talk to me please.
