Why do feel that no self-respect......or low self-esteem a problem for you? Have you always struggled with that or has it developed over time?
This has been a life-long issue, going back to my teens. I'm working on it, but it's a slow process. I find it diffiult to belive that I am worth more. Sad, isn't it?
Me: 36 H: 36 S9 (from my previous marriage) D2 Bomb-date: 4/7/10 10/10 Giving it six months to see what happens
I'm sitting on the fence here. What has put everything in perspective for me has been talking to my ex-H. He is tha father of my S9, so we have the opportunity to speak on a regular basis. I was the WAS in that marriage, and I pretty much crushed him when I left. But he treats me better, with more compassion than H. There's just no denying how distant and cold H has become. I don't know if I want to deal with it anymore.
At what point do you say, this is it, I don't want to play anymore?
I just don't know that Ilove the man he has become.
Me: 36 H: 36 S9 (from my previous marriage) D2 Bomb-date: 4/7/10 10/10 Giving it six months to see what happens
Have you asked him to go to a Retrouvaille weekend with you? Check out the location of weekends on their webpage, www.helpourmarriage.com.
It sounds to me like this is not about you, that he is depressed. Walking away certainly won't help the situation. There are times in people's lives when they need help from outsiders. This sounds like that kind of a time to me.
Hi Lotus. I did ask him about Retouvaille. He is a former Catholic schoolboy, and he has very negative feelings about the church -- or any church for that matter. He pretty nixed the idea.
I know he is depressed, and having been there myself, I should be more understanding about it. I have heard it from several sources that I need to stop thinking this has anything to do with me. He's stuck, and he needs to figure things out. I'm trying to follow MWD's advice in TDR -- the dperession section. I'm acting as if and suggesting activities for him to join us in.
I don't know whether to be distant or compassionate at this point. Getting all involve and trying to solve his problems is typical for me. The 180 would be to leave him alone and go on with life. He told me himself that Ineed to stop internalizing this.
So, on to distractions. I need some distractions.
Me: 36 H: 36 S9 (from my previous marriage) D2 Bomb-date: 4/7/10 10/10 Giving it six months to see what happens
I may have seriously messed up yesterday, or our relationship took one huge step forward. Not sure right now.
I have laryngitis, which means I cannot do my job. I took the day off yesterday. Since we pay for preschool whether D2 attends or not, I got her up and out the door, then returned home and went to bed. Got some nice and much-needed extra hours of sleep.
I woke up to see H looking back at me, intently. My initial reaction would have been to cozy up to him, and I started to, but a voice in my head said, "If he really wants you, he will show you." So I turned over and moved away. He followed me.
I'm not going to go into the details, but there was much R talk that ensued. I basically asked him if I were being used for his physical needs, and he said no. He was very affectionate, and passionate at that. He says it should be obvious that he loves me because we are still together, in the same house. He said he must want it to work, or he would be gone.
He said that he is still having difficulty getting over some of the more hurtful and downright abusive things I said (pre-bomb), but that he has noticed a huge change in me since then. He just doesn't know if he can trust those changes. Guess I need to just keep on keeping on.
He also said that he needs more space and that I need to realize that, while I may be ready to R, he isn't necessarily on the same time-frame.
He continued to be affectionate until he had to leave for work, and then he texted me, several times, once he was gone. He hasn't taken the initiative to text me a a long time -- maybe since the bomb. He got called to a double murder, late, so he got home very late and just crawled into bed. I grabbed his hand and D told him bye-bye.
I'm tempted to pull back a little bit, to see what happens. I sure hope I didn't screw everything up.
Me: 36 H: 36 S9 (from my previous marriage) D2 Bomb-date: 4/7/10 10/10 Giving it six months to see what happens
He continued to be affectionate until he had to leave for work, and then he texted me, several times, once he was gone. He hasn't taken the initiative to text me a a long time -- maybe since the bomb.
Doesn't sound like you screwed up!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
