Lost, I agree. That is the current boundry we are at. She agreed to give me access to her phone, her email, her fb all of it.. I reciprocated, to show the trust.
We had a nice date. Dinner and we talked. She opened up about a lot of it and apologized for her actions and lies. She stated again she wanted to move forward and become stronger. She also told me she "broke" the contact with OM back in September except for the TKD classes and that she understands that they cannot continue in the same class any longer and why.
She was my same old friend and girl I married, but I was still cautious and remain so.
I think she has made HUGE progress and now I need to see if she backs it up with words.
Progress and Lost, I agree with your comments.
Robx, I think your advice to me is what started the catlyst she told me she lost her mind when I went out to dinner with my friend (female). that was what steered her out of her fog.
She is moving back into the bedroom today.
Kimmie, actions have consequences . I have set the boundries and she is respecting them. I think she may stop TKD when she gets level 2 Black Belt Passed. That has always been her goal.. she told me she is not sure how long she will remain with it, and that is different then 2 weeks ago.
4more, yea I deploy in Dec-Jan.. it will be a big test of trust.. you have to start somewhere...
M:42 W:39 S:9 M:20 T:25 D-bomb: 30 Sep 10 Wife changed her mind: 31 Oct 10 Working on it: 31 Oct 10
oh and she said when she broke it off she told him it wasnt right and she needed to focus on her happiness and end the marriage before persuing any other relationship.. and that was when she decided to divorce me .. but she maintains she didnt see him or contact him after that.. I dont believe it... but nonetheless she is here now and agreed to my terms...
M:42 W:39 S:9 M:20 T:25 D-bomb: 30 Sep 10 Wife changed her mind: 31 Oct 10 Working on it: 31 Oct 10
This is why 100% no-contact, and complete transparency, is so important. Because even if she IS sincere, she will have a very difficult time pulling this off if OM doesn't respect it, or even if SHE has the sudden urge to re-contact him.
Pens- You are very far from being out of the woods with this thing yet. I think you have some positive signs - no contact (as far as you know), transparency, and some remorse. I think if you read about affairs you will find that many of them end up going back to the affair partner at least once. They really need to hit rock bottom first, and unfortunately I don't think you going out to dinner with a friend is rock bottom. I really doubt that is the reason the affair stopped. Something else must have happened on either his/her end that caused it to end if that is really the case. Your moves over the next few months are going to determine what happens next. Focus on you, not her. Try not to have any R talks yet. That will come later. You will push her right back to him if you do. Really work on yourself and try to be the kind of husband she would want to have, but never make it look like you are doing it for her. Spend the next 90 days trying to do nothing that would "turn her off" no neediness, hide all of your annoying habits, etc. I really suggest that you go to marriagebuilders.com and read what they have to say about recovering from affairs.If you can stick to this plan if she does relapse (which there is a strong chance she will) then you know you have done everything you could, and at least set the stage for her wanting to come back when she does hit her rock bottom. If and when she does break no contact be ready to end it, and do this without acting emotional or making her feel guilty for breaking the no contact. It's like dealing with a child going to time out - no emotion. Just wipe your hands of it and walk away. Again, this will help her to want to come back when she does hit rock bottom. I know I may seem like I am jumping the gun now by telling you all of this, but I wish I had known all this when I was in the position that you are now, instead of after the fact. So it is better to be prepared. This is a long process and you have a lot of work ahead of you!
1st thing. they say, we need to cool it my husband knows and I can't lose my kids over this. or I am not losing my career over this right now. or I have been through this with my first wife take some time to figure out what you want to do...
then. someone is driving by someone elses house and calling and hanging up and sending up smoke signals
and alot depends on who did the breaking up and what the other person feelings are for getting put on hold or dumped.
Sorry- I was trying to do a quote of what Steve said above and I don't know how to do that yet. But reread the part of his post that I put above, b/c that is exactly how it happened to me.
I believe that the WAS should have to suffer at the same level and for as long as the LBS before they can earn their way back.
Really?
Who gets to keep score?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
