Darker days ahead

[25yearsmlc]

There's a lot in your post and I lack the time to adequately respond. I'm also probably not getting through to you so there's that...

You talk about your h "taking you out" and to be clear, you mean to kill you?

Um, that's either very dangerous and you should tell the authorities, or you should tell your IC b/c that's an alarming thing to say but you don't seem aware of this. And even if you want to pretend your only issue is your div, it's not true. You have stuff to deal with, and "trust" and your past history and your mother and paying for everyone else in your family at age 23, instead of supporting yourself (Why? so you can earn their love or what?), or you being a victim of other's selfishness or weakness OR your perception that you are, even now, is just not healthy. True or not, it's not healthy. It also again, avoids looking WITHIN...

Talk to your IC or get a new one if you are not comfortable with the one you have now. But as I read your post I see so much pain and unresolved issues AND not a lot of insight.

You are not dealing with your issues. When I bring up the "Work" to do, you bring up your history and it's mainly others who hurt you that you bring up, which is not work for you to do, but history of others' behavior, and OR you say "I have an issue with sex BECAUSE..." and then you explain/defend it in a way that makes me think you are justifying it and that you genuinely don't see how you prevent yourself from being happy and fulfilled. You're smart, but you are not digging inside. But since I'm not your shrink, I'll leave it at that.

I think where the head goes, the heart, eventually, follows. And as long as you keep your head on straight you'll be alright. But you don't and you call it "PMSing" but it seems you do spiral negatively and you do not seem to notice it. Or you think it's okay for awhile...
Also, You did not say why you NOW think your h would want a restraining order on you. Why now?

You again said that you refused to reply to him when he said "hi" or greeted him or something like that, and that somehow this was going to make him miss you?? I think you realize now that you probably just validated his reasons for wanting out so we'll leave that issue alone.

There are a lot of things you describe in your behaviors that I simply don't understand. You defend them, but you also admit that none of these behaviors worked. So, there's not really progress b/c you seem to be saying, "I did X and Y and it did not work but BUT I wanted to or needed to or felt justified....and so I did it and I'm Right, I'm not happy but I'm right..." and there's no desire to change. It's like you are saying "well I made mistakes but they're ALL justified so I'm going to keep on doing them and wish HE'D change but he won't and so I'll be alone and that's sad and unfair...but oh well..."

Talking once to your h about not using L's was your idea of "trying"? Geez, I have to say that I'm surprised you are surprised it did not work. Your timeline for effort and your definition of "trying" is pretty short and narrow.

Don't know what else to say. I think GAL will be helpful but if you ever want to find peace and love in your life again, which we ALL do, you really ought to give IC another chance. I suspect you may want a different one b/c if your present IC has not helped you in these areas, you probably need a new one. Just my gut telling me that. I hope you'll try a workshop or talk to a c who says it like it is. You don't need coddling, in my opinion.
You're stronger than that. But it'd be nice if you stopped feeling obligated to help others TOO MUCH...what do you think would happen if you stopped taking care of others? You think they'd stop loving you? You see how you are making this about other issues than your m and yet, how they relate to your R problems in both areas? You're playing victim in all these areas. And you resented it. That shows more than you are aware. And you feared financial irresponsibility so much you may have helped create it in your own m, and now you say YOU have nothing to show for the M...ironic, don't you think? Seriously, D4, you have WORK to do and the only way you will really get to the other side of this, is through that work. As they say, "the program works if you work the program."
Good luck

[DumpedforMIL]

i'm actually going to try something here .. and that is "stop doing what doesn't work".
normally, if i sense a disconnect (not the same as disagree) with another poster, i would stop responding. so let me do the opposite and stay the course and see what happens.

maybe the first question i should be asking is: what is work? what does it mean to do work? give me an example of how far does one look in order to do work.

and go from there. because obviously, we are on two different wavelengths. we both don't know what the other person is talking about.

i thought part of doing the work was to look back at what caused the m to breakdown. i could say stuff like our spending habits, our pace in life, etc. and those are just surface things. underneath those things has to do with habits and behaviour. ok. so what leads to my behaviour? that's how i started looking at things like my father's financial irresponsibility. i know what it's like to not have that financial security. it's scary and it leads me to save like crazy because i don't want to worry about whether i am going to be able to pay the rent or buy food. that's how i approached "doing work". i'm not trying to blame others. i'm trying to explain why my behaviour is as such or what i've learned about why i react, behave, or think the way i do. it's only step 1 in recognizing what the problem is.

me having to take care of my family at 23 and not being on my own - it's a cultural thing. i'm going to leave it at that.

from your response, i'm confused as well because in some ways i should look into my past but yet, when i do .. you see it as me blaming them and playing the victim. i'm just saying this is what my behaviour or reaction is shaped from. i was hoping you would look at it from that point of view. not as in me whining or complaining "oh woe is me". i'm not saying it's right or wrong .. just this is why i reacted this way.

just as we are responsible for our own feelings. we are responsible for our actions, reactions, and behaviours. so i cannot be a victim .. this is my own doing. i have nobody to blame but me. i guess what i wanted to point out was that i was trying to be something i wasn't. i was trying to be like my sisters in their 'perfect' marriages but what works for them, doesn't necessarily work for my marriage. i am in a mixed marriage. they are not. so there are differences. plus, i'm different from my sisters .. i love adventure .. they do not. so try telling an adventurous person to sit still .. he/she can't. the person my h fell in love with .. was not the person who wanted to sit still. he wanted the adventurous side of me. i truly lost sight of who i really was because i was too busy trying to change myself for my family. why did i do this? well ...

moving away from my family was a lot harder on me than i expected. my sisters lived in the same city as my parents and they would get together for family dinners every sunday. i moved away to a different city so me wanting to be like my sisters was a way to remain part of my family. i didn't want to be the family outcast. in order to keep my family, i gave up who i was. again, not blaming anybody else. this was something i did to myself. i allowed myself to be influenced by this.

when my h and i separated, my family wanted me to move home to be closer to them. i chose not to because i didn't want to go back to that life. my parents didn't insist that i live with them but even living in the same city .. i couldn't do it. they would keep tabs on me. are you eating, are you sleeping, are you okay? can you come over for dinner? i woudn't be able to GAL. living away from them, i got to GAL the way i wanted to. i did things that i enjoyed doing. playing squash, learning to bake, taking cooking classes, etc. my mom isn't crazy about the things i do because it makes me "different" from everyone else. now? i'm happy to be different. i wouldn't change that in me. i don't want to be the SAHM who lets herself go and doesn't care how she looks or dresses.

living away from home has made me stronger. i don't feel obligated to take care of others because my priority is to take care of me first. it's really different to be putting myself first. it's very selfish but i'm all i have right now.

i can't keep sleeping at 3 am in the morning. so i'm going to end it here for now.

[25yearsmlc]

Much of your posts sound smart and healthy as if you are GAL and I hope that's all well and true.
But at times, your posts vary wildly in tone and mood, and alarm me. You dont' really respond to those comments I bring up.

For instance, it was YOU who said "I don't deserve to live" & you just left that out there. You also wrote that you think your h wants to kill you, or "take [you] out". Um, you forgot to address that today. You said you worry that he'll "slap a restraining order" on you OR that he'll think you're stalking him, and that is startling for most of us to read, even for here.

Elsewhere or another day, you'll describe behaviors that are hard for me to comprehend. You refused to greet him in the hall after he left, even though you chose to live in the same building! Why do either of those things?

You posted that you told your h 'let's try to do the Div without L's" once, as an effort at recon, but that didn't work, and that was that.

So I have Still no idea what actual efforts you put into the m once he made his feelings known. I also didn't know your m was mixed until now and that info is relevant. Why leave that stuff out? He's not lurking and there's nothing that would hurt your property division anyhow and the divorce is for irrecon differences so nothing you say here would matter in the UNlikely event he's somehow onto you being here and "sabataging' your DB efforts (another thing you posted and never elaborated upon).

You also said that "11 days is the longest without" any contact and that came AFTER he filed for divorce. When I commented on that being very very short, and NOT true DBing, you asked me where I got the idea that no contact was new for you. ALL my questions arose from your posts.

I got all the feedback from you and responded to it, asking for more info or details to be able to help. Then I get this partly evealing and confusing and partly vague answer. And something about whether you'll choose to respond to my post as if you are offended.

Hey, do what you want. But know that what you post here, and MAYBE what you put out to the world, is Not consistent. And it does alarm me at times.
So again, I hope you'll share ALL this with your IC instead of just your "grief" b/c there's a lot to your sitch that may have little to nothing, to do with your h.
I don't know. I can't know, b/c I don't have all the relevant facts.

[DumpedforMIL]

i apologize for being vague and just leaving it out there.

what usually happens is that posters will post questions for me to answer. i answer honestly and with effort .. and then they disappear and don't follow up.

i've learned that people don't stick with your thread. i guess i assumed you would too. i'll hear from you for maybe a week and then i never hear from you again. and after all that .. i will have bared my soul .. it's all out there and no follow up.

the only poster who has stuck by me was forrest. so i usually answer his posts as honestly and i will make an effort to dig deep. most people don't like his style of posting but i get it.

i consider forrest a great teacher. he has taught me quite a bit.

that's actually why my posts to "random advice givers" are vague and black-or-white.

i am sorry if i made that assumption about you. i honestly didn't expect you to give me advice or even take the time to do so. i'm just used to people stopping by for a post or two and then disappear.

i did suspect that my h was lurking. i found out about these boards through him. i saw the words "divorce busting" scribbled on a piece of paper (his handwriting) on his desk one day after the bomb had been dropped.

so i tend to be vague and leave stuff out in case he is following my thread. i've left out some critical notes because of it. but in general, i came here to see what db-ing was all about. i read the books. i was skeptical. i knew how angry my h was.

i know that the great vets here have tried to convince me that my h is hurt and that i'm not listening. but my h is a different beast. he hasn't waivered, hasn't softened, and has shown no remorse. i learned today, that my h is still whining about how financially unfair the divorce process is for him. the vets say it's not about the money .. but from where i'm sitting and what i'm seeing, i can see how important money is to my h.

i haven't been able to figure out why he had the words "divorce busting" written down but i suspect that someone tipped him off and said she could be doing this - learn the techniques so you don't fall for her scheme.

i could be imagining things. but i've been guarded about stuff. there is no PM here which makes it hard for me. i want to be open and honest but i'm guarded.

anyway, i will try to put together a note that hopefully addresses everything from the last few posts you made. if you disappear, i will understand.

[DumpedforMIL]

"btw, i did the right thing for my separation agreement. no blood, no guts. just the right thing."

It will be interesting to "see" how it pans out. Personally.. I still think you have a chance. But.. if all you do is walk away with your head held high.. I am OK with that.

the verdict is in.
there is no chance. he is still very angry over how unfair the process is. i know what is coming.

sorry for speaking in code. but i thought you might want to know.

D4MIL

[25yearsmlc]

D4,

All I got from your post is that you saw the words "Divorce busting" written on a scrap of paper some time ago. From this, you have deduced that he is 1) lurking and 2) never doing any DB work himself and 3) trying to sabatage your DB efforts...

I don't think he's lurking now, I don't think it matters if he is, and I don't see how it could sabatage your efforts at GAL or having a PMA (Positive mental attitude is a major issue for you if you don't mind my saying so. You definitely "catastrophize" a lot). You need to change the tape in your brain into a postiive one and if that's a cultural thing for you, then you may need to do it even more.

The rest is about your fears of abandonment (in life and on this board). Not much we can do about that but respond to your posts if there's something to respond to. I strongly believe that acting out of your fears can often lead to the very things you fear most, coming true. For instance, who fear loss of wealth so much that they can end up "saving their money" by putting it in "risk free" investments and losing a fortune. Or they are suspciious of their spouses... And people who are so conflict avoidant (fear of abandonment?) that they put off discussion of meaningful differences, or dance around them, OR hope their partner will read their minds, often do the avoidance until those differences have festered so long without airing, that they boil and then explode and the very modest conflict they avoided, instead is now a huge out of control FIGHT...



What is it you want from us at this point? I feel as if you'll argue if we suggest a positive spin on things, b/c you see no such thing. So I hesitate. Maybe you are right. Maybe it is hopeless. But where does that leave you and us here? YOu want to do the work but when I talk about "real" issues you remain vague or pick and choose what you'll discuss. Everyone has their limit on disclosure but it's hard to connect or help without detail of what matters.
Your claim your h now cares a lot about money (or you now notice it) is based on what exactly? You provide no details to justify that claim, and all we know for sure is that money was a huge issue for you. Your fears he'd be like your dad & waste money lead you to be controlling about money and to keep it more separate than any couple I've heard of.

Is it possible there's some projecting going on. How's your IC going?

[LauraOh]

Hey D4ML, I want to say I'm still reading but very, very involved with the D process and haven't posted much lately.

I am completely FASCINATED by the recent posts here--so much GOOD GOOD STUFF!!! I am thinking about how our deepest fears can be brought to fruition by US!

Really think on some of this advice here--a lot of posters give up very quickly because there is so much "dodging" on your part--you don't give too many straitforward answers and there is a lot of "reading between the lines" that people have to do. It takes a lot of effort. So people are discouraged, and you get to say "they left me--more abandonment??"

I only wish I had some of this kind of advice over on my thread--I hope you are realizing what a gift it is!!

[DumpedforMIL]

I want to say I'm still reading but very, very involved with the D process and haven't posted much lately.

hey lauraoh. i read your latest post. it's nice to see you are having fun while going through the d-process. i think you definitely are the model of "expect the worst, hope for the best". i mean that in a good way.

I am completely FASCINATED by the recent posts here--so much GOOD GOOD STUFF!!! I am thinking about how our deepest fears can be brought to fruition by US!

yes, i've discovered some things about myself as well. i look back and i see a lot of that. and much of it was my own doing. shall i peel a layer off this onion? here it goes ..

i has to do with the way i see and value myself. for example, i would say to my stbxh "i'm really just preparing you for your next real wife." he would frown at that statement because he viewed it as me calling him 'unfaithful' or a 'cheater' which he hated - obviously, because it's an attack on his character. the way i saw it was that i'm not good enough for someone of his status. sometimes i didn't even know why he was attracted to me. i was totally plain jane. this thinking is due to middle-child syndrome. i'm not the oldest or the youngest. so to stand out as a child, i strived to be the smartest. you see where my "i am right" attitude comes from? because in order to stand out, i was the smartest and the smartest is always right (we can debate this but for simplicity sake, just go with it for now).

being plain jane, you don't know what is so special about yourself. and that's how i see myself. there's nothing unique or attractive about me. i don't dress unique. i don't look unique. i am just an ordinary girl. i have a college education - just like everyone else. i have a job, like everyone else. i play a sport - like everyone else. i cook, i sleep, i shower - just like everyone else. i'm no better than anybody else. why would anybody choose me? i used to think that my h was the best thing on earth. he was physically attractive, he was smart, he was well educated, and at the time, he came from a good family, same morals. the family part unravelled after we got engaged but i digress. i don't know if that part is important so i'll leave it out for now.

but he was way too good for me. he would tell me that i was attractive or that i was everything he was looking for. he was in love with me before he even knew it himself. to me, it was nice to hear but also so much pressure - there's that negative view again. i still didn't have the confidence that i would be able to keep him interested in me. it's my abandonment issue. i'm trying to figure out where the abandonment issue is coming from. my parents are still together. my father didn't abandon us. my mother was always there. i don't remember when there was a particular time when someone left me and i was devastated. my stbxh was my first love. my first dumping. so i'm really struggling with figuring out the root to my abandonment issue. i don't doubt that it is a problem but maybe i'm not looking in the right area for the answer?

geez, looking back at this post, i'm all over the place - this is why i hate peeling the onion. it's disorganized ramblings.

when i spoke of the posters abandoning me here, i'm talking about posters who post once and then disappear. early on in my first thread, there were posters who posted once and then never came back. i prefer to work with someone in the long run so i don't have to regurgitate my story from the beginning.

I only wish I had some of this kind of advice over on my thread--I hope you are realizing what a gift it is!!

i do. to be honest, i have been receiving some good guidance from vets and they truly have helped me. i'm guilty of not posting consistently. which is why you only see bits and pieces.

update: the latest on our SA is that we are still far apart on some items. my atty made a glaring calculation error and i just discovered it last night. i'm not happy with the sloppy calculations but i should have looked it over more carefully.

h is still extremely angry. we are still in NC. but his response to our SA proposal let me know that there was no salvaging of this marriage.

despite reading the books, i still get sucked into the wayward bs. the vets tell me .. it's wayward script so don't take it literally. but i get sucked into it .. and i never thought of myself as a "words of affirmation" person but i'm starting to think that maybe i am. otherwise, the wayward script would roll off like water on a duck's back. the words from the script have a huge affect on me. i also use words to hurt him because it's likely my main LL. i always thought my main LL was QT and PT. but i think WOA is up there.

anyway .. i think i've rambled enough.

D4MIL

[25yearsmlc]

I

[quote]I am completely FASCINATED by the recent posts here--so much GOOD GOOD STUFF!!! I am thinking about how our deepest fears can be brought to fruition by US!

yes, i've discovered some things about myself as well. i look back and i see a lot of that. and much of it was my own doing.

i has to do with the way i see and value myself.

IIt has almost everything to do with the way you see yourself, and what you project about that and how it influences, eventually, how other people see you. The constant need for your h to disprove your negative self image must have been draining on him. I'm NOT saying he's perfect or you're a piece of crap, but you have major issues (reflected by your own comments below) and still you are only addressing "grief" with your IC. Why?

for example, i would say to my stbxh "i'm really just preparing you for your next real wife." (WHY WOULD YOU SAY THIS??)

he would frown at that statement because he viewed it as me calling him 'unfaithful' or a 'cheater' which he hated - obviously, because it's an attack on his character. the way i saw it was that i'm not good enough for someone of his status. sometImes I didn't even know why he was attracted to me. i was totally plain jane. this thinking is due to middle-child syndrome.

Who says? That's you using an easy explanation but I don't buy it. I'm a middle child of sorts (6 of 10), and we have a middle child and MOST middle children don't talk the way you are talking. It's an excuse you are using, again, to avoid deeper searching.

Please tell your IC this and do not give her the easy diagnosis of why. Better yet, stop thinking this way regardless of why you did. Is it really so important NOW? After all, You cannot be a "victim of childhood" forever.

i'm not the oldest or the youngest. so to stand out as a child, i strived to be the smartest. you see where my "i am right" attitude comes from? because in order to stand out, i was the smartest and the smartest is always right (we can debate this but for simplicity sake, just go with it for now).

Does this mean the "need to be right" outweighed all else OR are you talking about something unrelated to the Marriage? I mean, why does this matter today? Unless it relates to your debating small things and the need to be right. SOmetimes that need to be right outweighs the need to be happy. Is that you? What can you do to change that? (instead of diagnosing why it's a trait)

being plain jane, you don't know what is so special about yourself. and that's how i see myself. there's nothing unique or attractive about me. i don't dress unique.
EVEN IF TRUE, which I reject, geez, God forbid you change any of this...it's not like you are legless. You CAN change nearly all of these things if you find them so important. I don't. But still....

i don't look unique. i am just an ordinary girl. i have a college education - just like everyone else. i have a job, like everyone else. i play a sport - like everyone else. i cook, i sleep, i shower - just like everyone else. i'm no better than anybody else. why would anybody choose me? i used to think that my h was the best thing on earth. he was physically attractive, he was smart, he was well educated, and at the time, he came from a good family, same morals. the family part unravelled after we got engaged but i digress. i don't know if that part is important so i'll leave it out for now.

Back to now, and not how mediocre your life has been, (b/c from where I'm sitting, your problems all fall into the normal life stuff AND you have a lot going for you.)

Thing is, if your own h-who you say was good to you--IF HE could not lift your spirits, I know I cannot. And in real life, it's WE who have to life ourselves up, no matter what the sitch is. A lot worse has happened to so many and their attitudes are good and that matters.

I believe what we put out to the world, we get back from the world. This is not revolutionary or brilliant of me. I have 5 living brothers--MEN-- and you know what they want from a woman? They ALL just want and cherish having a loving wife who takes care of herself. That's what they want. Not "the MOST beautiful or the MOST intelligent or the MOST wealthy or "most" anything. Just loving and self respecting (yes that means you don't gain 200lbs and pretend it doesn't matter. But your looks don't have to be Christie Brinkley's either.) A woman of substance knows her worth.

but he was way too good for me. he would tell me that i was attractive or that i was everything he was looking for. he was in love with me before he even knew it himself. to me, it was nice to hear but also so much pressure - there's that negative view again.

I don't even know what to say to that. His loving you was "so much pressure"...pressure to what? Love him back? Enjoy it? Tell your IC this and if they are not helping you, get another one.

i still didn't have the confidence that i would be able to keep him interested in me. it's my abandonment issue. i'm trying to figure out where the abandonment issue is coming from.

While there's value in this, the "solution based therapy" MWD discusses, addresses what to do about it NOW, regardless of underlying cause. Many patients learn and learn about why they are the way they are and then feel justified in being that way. IOW, they do not change. Change is what matters don't you think? There's also some value to "faking it til you make it" meaning you can act as if you are or feel a certain positive way and you'll find those positives often arrive in reality, down the road.

my parents are still together. my father didn't abandon us. my mother was always there. i don't remember when there was a particular time when someone left me and i was devastated. my stbxh was my first love. my first dumping. so i'm really struggling with figuring out the root to my abandonment issue. i don't doubt that it is a problem but maybe i'm not looking in the right area for the answer?

Maybe the anwer won't change the behavior so maybe it's not the holy grail.

geez, looking back at this post, i'm all over the place - this is why i hate peeling the onion. it's disorganized ramblings.

when i spoke of the posters abandoning me here, i'm talking about posters i'm guilty of not posting consistently. which is why you only see bits and pieces.
It's the dodging and surface analysis that frustrates me b/c I think you are cognitively capable of more. ANd the hiding of key facts like the cultural differences AND the suicidal ideation you've still never addressed.

update: the latest on our SA is that we are still far apart on some items. my atty made a glaring calculation error and i just discovered it last night. i'm not happy with the sloppy calculations but i should have looked it over more carefully.

h is still extremely angry. we are still in NC. but his response to our SA proposal let me know that there was no salvaging of this marriage.

How do you "know" any of this, given the NC?

despite reading the books, i still get sucked into the wayward bs. the vets tell me .. it's wayward script so don't take it literally. but i get sucked into it .. and i never thought of myself as a "words of affirmation" person but i'm starting to think that maybe i am. otherwise, the wayward script would roll off like water on a duck's back. the words from the script have a huge affect on me. i also use words to hurt him because it's likely my main LL. i always thought my main LL was QT and PT. but i think WOA is up there.

D4MIL

I don't know what most of that last paragraph means. What he's saying or feeling, since you have NC...nor do I know what is supposed to roll off your back or his, or the words of affirmation now, when there's NC...this confuses me.

While no one wants to "abandon" you, there are people here really looking for advice to use in their situations. Do you see yourself as one of those, truly?

If you want to just journal here, that's fine. But I think that means you don't want feedback or if you get it, you'll simply "observe it" or debate it. And is that as beneficial as us using our time where someone in crisis needs and will use more?

I'm sincerely asking. Not trying to bash you but am honestly curious.

[DumpedforMIL]

I'm sincerely asking. Not trying to bash you but am honestly curious.

the reason why i didn't respond to you is because i don't know how to respond to you.

everything i post, you take as a defensive response. and i feel that you attack me in your posts. it is not helpful to me. i think you could be a resourceful person but i don't get the feeling you really want to help me. you want me off this board because i'm taking up diskspace or something. i'm not posting on newcomers where people need help the most. i'm off on the "separated" forum where there is less activity.

Who says? That's you using an easy explanation but I don't buy it. I'm a middle child of sorts (6 of 10), and we have a middle child and MOST middle children don't talk the way you are talking. It's an excuse you are using, again, to avoid deeper searching.

this is what i mean by not helpful. if you can see that i'm not getting it .. why don't you try and ask the right questions to guide me towards "deeper searching" because after so many posts, it's quite obvious i don't know what questions i need to answer in order to achieve that "deeper searching". instead, you simply accuse me of avoiding.

you want me to expand on my past but when i do, you tell me that it's not relevant NOW. so i have no idea what you want from me.

all you say to me is "you're wrong" and that's it. it is not helpful to me. ok. i'm wrong .. so how do i make it right?

It's the dodging and surface analysis that frustrates me b/c I think you are cognitively capable of more.

i don't know how to tap into the "deeper searching". sometimes you can guide me there by asking the right question. there is a way to get beyond the surface analysis - by creating trust and asking the right questions. i know nothing about you. why would i trust you with my sitch?

How do you "know" any of this, given the NC?

h wrote a long letter about why felt the process was unfair and why he should be getting what he wants, etc. much of it would not hold up in court, but there was a lot of hostility in his letter.

the word should not affect me but it still does. we are in NC but when i read his response, it is as if he is saying those things to me. this is what i meant about my LL being words of affirmation.

While no one wants to "abandon" you, there are people here really looking for advice to use in their situations. Do you see yourself as one of those, truly?

well, at the risk of being called negative or expecting the worst and that's what you'll get..

i'm not sure what kind of advice i need. my sitch is at the point where the SA is being negotiated and after that, i expect to be served d papers.

i just wanted to give lauraoh and forrest an update because they have followed my thread from day 1. i owe it to them to let them know how my sitch is progressing or ending.

the last paragraph about the LLs is something that i learned early in my sitch. i had mentioned it in one of my earliest posts. and it was like a breakthrough for me. but i think i'm wrong about my original LL.

i would definitely like to get some help on peeling the onion. my ic sessions are for short term. we focus on getting through the grieving process and letting go. i've been told to meditate so i can focus ..

if your strength is in saving a marriage. this one isn't salvageable. catastrophisizing? my h is angry that i have taken steps to protect myself. he was hoping i wouldn't and just agree to whatever he wanted. but i didn't and because of that, he wants me out of his life as soon as possible. before money came into the d picture, he said that we had a bond that nobody understood. after we started to discuss splitting up our finances, then the bond disappeared.

if you are truly trying to help me become a better person, then i will work with you.