So..........my H is buying a house.

[handlingplanb]

Nope - didn't seem pushy, just experienced. I am not about to let him bully me in to signing so he can make the purchase. I am concerned because he has to be out of his rental tomorrow no matter what (he says), and if he doesn't close he won't have a place to move to - which ultimately affects my kids.

Despite telling myself I wouldn't (because it should be his job to do so), I did put a call in to my L(and left a voice mail)to make sure she got the e-mail with the form for review - and I did this with my kids in mind and my S11 who I think is being affected on an emotional level.

[handlingplanb]

Got the ok from L to sign the form. Now I'm mad because I have to take off work to go find a notary. I'm the only notary at my office...............but I can do this and move forward.

[handlingplanb]

Printed. Notarized. Delivered. Yeah - didn't need to deliver, but I was 2 blocks away and I wanted it done. I left it in his truck and texted him to tell him it was there. I managed without tears.

I think what bothers me the most is that looking at the property, it is definitely not one of those ok I need out of this rental so I'm going to go buy a house so I'm not wasting money on rent......it's a home. It will be his. Not ours. The document I signed makes it marital property, for now, but it is his new home. He really is gone. It makes it all feel very real.

[handlingplanb]

Sitting at work, having trouble with focus and what popped in to my head??? My dad walking me down the isle and telling me at that point it wasn't too late to change my mind.

I wouldn't change my mind at this point. I have a lot of good memories. I have 3 wonderful kids.

I also have thoughts of my H saying we were both miserable for 20 years - but I still don't believe that. That is not what I remember.

I know the M is dead.

I know this move for him is more proof that he is not returning to me.

But I can't stop thinking that it's not too late.......even though I think believing this is keeping me from accepting and moving forward for myself.

[handlingplanb]

My H is moving in to his new home today. He's leaving his rental and moving in to his home. When he moved out 7/08 I just KNEW when he moved out he would be returning to OUR home.

The kids are excited to spend their first weekend there.

It is WAY WAY WAY past time for me to get past the pain of what I've lost and live for myself.

I read the posts by missherlove, ericsmant and PeiMom.....AND many other very very very inspirational people who have found the peace that is on the other side of the pain.

I so want to find that peace.

I want to LIVE for myself.

When I first came here almost 3 years ago, I came to save my marriage. I thought if I did everything right it would happen. I tried so very very hard - at least I thought I did. I look back at all of the mistakes and I wonder, if I hadn't made them would I be here???

I know what THIS is really all about. I know that it is way more important to save myself - but the pain persists.

I am not divorced, because I won't file. I know my H is still waiting for me to do this. How long will he wait? I don't know.

Do I pull the switch to set myself free? Is that the only way I can really cut the ties and live for ME? Today, I can't.

Is that what I NEED to find the peace that I see so many others have found?

Why is it taking me so fu*$ing long to get this?

I live like my H isn't coming back. HE ISN'T COMING BACK. I know this.

I have been employed for over a year now - before a stay at home mom, but very much involved with my H's business. I lost that too.

It's not my dream job (but don't know what that would be) - but I am at the school my kids attend. The hours are ideal for a parent that only gets their kids part-time, and I'm close if needed.

I can successfully manage everything at my house that needs attention - if I can't I know who to call, and I do.

I do not need H in my life.

I still WANT him there. I still WANT him and our M. I WANT my family back together.

IT IS NOT going to happen.

HOW do I make it to the other side?

GAL? I really do try. I've taken up new hobbies that I don't have time for - the house, the kids activities still feeling like I MUST do for them first because they are the biggest losers in all of this - they take up almost all of my waking time.

I would welcome suggestions - and YES, I know there is no quick fix or magic pill.

I feel like a failure.

I've failed my marriage.

I've failed my kids by failing my marriage.

I know I need help. I don't know where to turn.

I have wonderful friends that are very much involved with their families and kids. I have no friends that are divorced. I fill like an alien - like I don't belong because I have been rejected by the man I've loved for 30 years.

[irishblessings]

Handling...

You are not alone in your feelings - I think everyone here as felt the same way - or feels the same way.

You are "handling" your life. Everyday you get up for work and you do what you need to do. You are there for your kids - you do it. Now stop "handling" and let yourself "feel" it. You have to.

I don't have any friends who are divorced. Reach out to others - find a divorce recovery group. I get a lot of daily emails from divorce care and rejoice ministries. They are helpful!

Go slow - moment by moment!

Look for ways to

[TRUSTING]

I think you have to feel all those things you stated before you can get to the other side. It is a very painful process. Time is the key, some are faster than others.

You really don't know what the outcome of this will be. It is so easy to focus on our circumstances rather than on how our H's could possibly change or work through their MLC journey.

You have to follow your heart and listen to the higher power.
Nothing is impossible. Many people have come out of their crisis. Many people have not.

Praying for you,
Trusting

[handlingplanb]

I've been faking it for three years. I am not making it.

[ericmsant2]

Handling,

Your post really touched me and I really feel for you. I want to respond to the following…

I read the posts by missherlove, ericsmant and PeiMom.....AND many other very very very inspirational people who have found the peace that is on the other side of the pain.

This quote really stood out for me. I do not want to speak for PEI or Missher but I think as it relates to the “peace” that you refer to….all of us still have our days. None of this is really easy. Do not kid yourself. This takes time. It really is a rollercoaster ride. You have good day…and you have bad days.

The peace that you refer to comes with the acceptance that one will be okay. It also comes when your realize that you have no control over any other person. You really only have control over yourself and HOW you CHOOSE the deal with the cards that one is dealt.

I want to LIVE for myself.

So really what the hell is stopping you? I mean really? Is it fear? Is it finances? Is it the kids? What is it?

I look back at all of the mistakes and I wonder, if I hadn't made them would I be here???

This ^^^^ tells me that you STILL have not FORGIVEN yourself. Yeah…you may have moments where you feel like you have but I do not think you really have. FTR, I still struggle with this myself.

IMO, you must really acknowledge your mistakes and then accept the fact that you, I, no one can go back in time. You really did the best you could have with what you kNEW at the time. Now that you know better you really will do better. Your not perfect Handling, no one is. Perfect is God’s job. Your job Handling is to be the best person you can and also become a happy person.

I am not divorced, because I won't file

Separate divorce and filing from YOUR happiness. You know you really can be happy and still physically separated. You really can have a life and be divorced.

You appear to be “waiting”, which I understand BUT also appear to be waiting and standing still. It looks like you still react to things your H does or does not do. As opposed to sitting down and figuring out what it is that you really want to do for you. Maybe Handling your afraid to let go. Maybe Handling your afraid to file. Mabye your afraid of Handing. That’s right your afraid of yourself. The longer you wait to start your life the more COMFORTABLE in misery and sadness you become. Why would you allow this? Com’on girl…seriously, why?

Do I pull the switch to set myself free? Is that the only way I can really cut the ties and live for ME? Today, I can't.

Do you really think that a piece of paper is going to set you free? Your marriage right now is a legal document – that’s it. Emotionally he is gone. Physically he is gone. Does that mean that you cannot reconcile? NO. But ask yourself this question..

Why are you still attracted to YOUR H?

IMO, you are attracted to his independence. You are attracted to the life that he is living for himself. You are probably jealous BUT really you have nothing to be jealous about. Cause honestly you are holding yourself back.

Why is it taking me so fu*$ing long to get this?

In one word – FEAR.

Handling what I wish I could MAKE YOU SEE is that if you face the fear. If you face your demons. IF you take a step out of the life of sadness and misery that everything will look differently.

It's not my dream job (but don't know what that would be)

Maybe you need to find out what your dream job is. Once again…sometime ya have to say f*ck it and just go with your gut…take a chance. Find out what you really want to do and then head down full steam ahead to try and find it.

I feel like a failure.

Because you think that YOU were the cause of his crisis. Because you think that YOU could control someone else.

You’re a failure IF you allow yourself to be. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Do you think that all of these people are failures? I can tell you fuc* no…they are not. I am not. You are not. Define what is a failure to you.

I've failed my marriage.

Stop thinking like this. Ya know I’m not gonna try and tell you that you didn’t fail in your M. Fuc* it I’ll agree. Does your failed M define YOU? No it doesn’t. Learn to bounce back from failures. Do you know what a failure implies? It implies that YOU took a chance and tried something, which is a sign of strength. That’s right you tried something. Think about it…is it easier to try something..take a chance or is it easier to run…and never try anything? I think you know the answer to this.

I've failed my kids by failing my marriage.

Bullchit! You fail your kids when YOU do not focus on YOUR happiness. Do you think your kids want to see you moping around the house, crying, depressed. NO. Your M has NOTHING to do with your kids. You did not fail them.

I know I need help. I don't know where to turn.

I have wonderful friends that are very much involved with their families and kids. I have no friends that are divorced. I fill like an alien - like I don't belong because I have been rejected by the man I've loved for 30 years.

First off, you are living in a victim mentality right now. ONLY YOU can pull yourself out of it. I suggest that you consider going on some anti depressants. That’s not a knock on you..no…sometime we all need a little help. I went on some meds right after the bomb to help me sleep and just relax my butt. So please look into this.

So you have no friends divorced…go find some. Join a singles group, join a church group. Get out of the house.

Do me a favor….

Post what your day is like…what time do you wake up, what do you do, what days do you NOT have the kids. Then post what things you like to do. Just three things…just three.

Okay?

Hang in there Handling….hang in there and do me one other favor…

Tomorrow…wake up and say “fuc* it – today I will be happy”….

Cause tomorrow…although my W is still having her affair….I will wake up in the morning and do the same…”fuc* it tomorrow I will have a good day” – why? Cause I CHOOSE TO.

God Bless,
Eric

[handlingplanb]

There's a lot to respond to here....and THANK YOU for your reply. I want to respond to it all, so here goes.....

The peace that you refer to comes with the acceptance that one will be okay. It also comes when your realize that you have no control over any other person. You really only have control over yourself and HOW you CHOOSE the deal with the cards that one is dealt.

I think I get this. I know I will be ok. I've been ok on my own for quite some time now. I know I don't have any control over anyone but myself. How I deal, I know needs work.

I want to LIVE for myself.

So really what the hell is stopping you? I mean really? Is it fear? Is it finances? Is it the kids? What is it?

I really have no idea what this means. How do I live for ME? That is something I have NEVER done, and it's sad to say that I don't know how to do this. AND my life and what I do on a daily basis is pretty much full - doing for others, and my kids - primarily my kids, and I don't know what I am supposed to do for ME.

My mother was sick a lot when I was in High School. I began caring for things around the house, and being responsible for more than most at that age. I became involved in the relationship with my H at the same time, and what I wasn't giving at home, I gave to him - I helped him with his homework, and I lived for time with him.

When we were married I was finishing up my college degree. He worked at a job that required travelling out of town 3 nights a week and I had extra responsiblilty at home after school.

When I graduated and got a job, my H went to law school. I took on a second job to help with finances and I did anything and everything to make things run smoothly so my H could finish law school.

When we had our first child I knew that was my new primiary responsiblility and I gave all of me to raising the kids. My H's law practice was progressing and after child #2 I was able to stay at home with the kids. I started a business out of the home and worked for other attorneys in our area for a few years, but after child #3 was born I only worked for H.

I worked for H and felt good about the work I was doing. I knew that I was provding help that not many people could and I was working with and for my H - helping to continue to build the law practice - what I thought was OURS.

Maybe I should have known something was up when my H no longer needed my help at the office, but at that point I was very unhappy. I had just lost my father to a long illness and it was beginning to hit me then that I didn't have happiness within myself. My H was pulling away, I was unappy and since I was LIVING for our life together, I became more unappy.

Then comes my accusation that he was having an A. Denial. And then a year and a half of me grabbing at straws trying to figure out why my M was still struggling - and then blaming myself because I had ACCUSED my H of something he could NEVER do.

When I learned that my suspicion was correct all along and to him our M was over, I thought I was going to die. I wished that I was dead. I went to him with what I knew. His response was silence. After time passed he sent an e-mail asking for divorce.

I made it very clear that I could forgive him for the A. I began to DB. I've worked on myself and how I deal with things, but my attempt to truly let go have failed.

I know this is no one's fault by my own - that I never learned how to live for me and make myself happy, but I really feel like I don't know how.

I look back at all of the mistakes and I wonder, if I hadn't made them would I be here???

This ^^^^ tells me that you STILL have not FORGIVEN yourself. Yeah…you may have moments where you feel like you have but I do not think you really have. FTR, I still struggle with this myself.

I haven't forgiven myself. That is true.

IMO, you must really acknowledge your mistakes and then accept the fact that you, I, no one can go back in time. You really did the best you could have with what you kNEW at the time. Now that you know better you really will do better. Your not perfect Handling, no one is. Perfect is God’s job. Your job Handling is to be the best person you can and also become a happy person.

I work and have always worked to be the best person I can be. Providing and helping others has been my measure of this. Making others happy has been my primary goal. I do feel like I am a good person, but it does still truly hurt that I am "not good enough.

I'm going to stop here and finish later..........time to get some work done.