Finding My Way

[Mystik]

Not sure what you mean by a parenting plan. Is it an agreement we make about how to care for DS? If so, we don't have one and I don't think they offer any service in this.

[courageous wife]

I got a "parenting plan" with the papers from my L...basically, it sets times, weekends, holidays etc...rules for the custodial and non-custodial parent that you both agree to and promise to follow! Maybe your L could tell you about how to set one up...that would help take some of the pressure of you...

[Mystik]

We have a visitation schedule, but no rules that we are both required to adhere to like "DS must be in bed by 8:30." One of the things I am going to file for when we return to court is to make the latest visitation schedule the on-record one instead of an understanding between H and I.

[Mystik]

Took me awhile to fall asleep last night, even with taking my sleeping meds. My mind just kept cycling over and over about H and I and Whore and It. Now I can't even remember exactly what I was thinking, but I know that I was talking to God a lot last night, too.

Feeling ok so far today. Feeling confident that H will be back, just need to wait it out. It seems when I go without contact from H I am ok, but as soon as I hear from him or see him that goes right out the window and I'm missing him desperately. It would be so much easier if my heart had an off switch.

[bluestar]

Mystik, I've been reading your thread from the beginning. I thought that you said earlier that you had a L draw up whatever agreement that you and your H are adhering to now. What exactly is in that agreement? Is it only about the financials or does it include a written visitation agreement?

[Mystik]

bluestar, neither H nor I had a lawyer when the visitation papers were drawn up. DS was assigned a law guardian, basically his own lawyer, by the courts and he was the one who worked with H and I to set up a visitation schedule we both agreed with.

[bluestar]

I am giving you some examples of parenting plans because I think you misunderstand what it's for. It's not about bedtimes. It's about who gets your child at what time, who gets to have a say in decisions about him, etc. It's very important to have all this spelled out in great detail. Otherwise, you leave the door open for problems. Example, one day my ex-h was late and I got worried. I found out that because I did not have a detailed parenting plan I had no grounds to get my kids back if he decided to keep them. Very scary. Another example, my son had a life threatening illness and I had to get my mentally ill ex h's consent because it wasn't clear in the parenting plan that I could make the decision myself.

The first one is not in NY state but I really liked the wording and it's very similar. The second one is the worksheet for the NY forms.
http://www.parentingafterdivorce.com/books/plan.html

http://www.courts.state.ny.us/forms/matrimonial/Parenting-Plan-Form.pdf

This one is the general NY D webpage. I have linked the forms for the parenting plan but in general you should inform yourself here. If you don't have the other forms, you probably need them as well.

http://www.nycourts.gov/divorce/forms.shtml

[Mystik]

Thanks bluestar, I'll definitely check them out.

We do have it in the papers who gets DS and what times he is to come home to me. But nothing about decision making. We have joint legal custody, so I assume that means big decisions like surgery I consult H but little things like an ear infection I handle myself.

[Mystik]

Was feeling better yesterday. Interacted with H both through text and on the phone without feeling the need to cry. The real test will be when I actually see him today. Right now I'm just waiting for the text asking me if he can keep DS later today. I'm going to have to say no, or only one hour. I have plans to take DS trick or treating and would prefer to get most of it done before dark. It starts getting dark here about 5:30.

[courageous wife]

That is ok Mystik! When H asks, just explain nicely that you would like to get started TorT before dark and maybe offer that S can stay a little longer with H the next time he has him?