And this usually only happens when the LBS has really moved on. You have to decide for yourself if this person is someone you can trust and live with and potentially go through this again in the future. You're in a good place to make a clear choice here. Personally I don't think you need to indulge him at all. I'd tell him you just don't see it happening, it's just too late for that. If he's honest about his feelings etc then he'll make changes you can trust and perhaps you guys can start over slooowly in the future but of course don't tell him this nor day dream about it because all this is a big 'if'.
Do I really have to bring a culinary item? I *was* bringing the whip cream.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
It sounds like you are dealing pretty well with the emotions this (your H reaching out) must be causing. Of course you are going to be on edge and confused.
But as I am posting several days later, you are probably a bit more settled in your feelings.
I'm looking forward to hearing all about the housewarming.
Forget the handcrafted pillows and inks. I'm sending you satin sheets; a Japanese silk screen to stand behind and throw your satin dressing gown over; and a pair of mules with maribou feathers.
Forget the handcrafted pillows and inks. I'm sending you satin sheets; a Japanese silk screen to stand behind and throw your satin dressing gown over; and a pair of mules with maribou feathers.
OOO La La! I am lovin' that Aver!
And, Romeo... whipped cream is good too.
Well, it looks like the kids will be with their dad for the weekend so not only is it party time, it is ME time. I am getting ready for the IRL party on Saturday night and then I'll be throwing my virtual party for you folks.
About my H's "about face".... well.... TBH I am not giving it all that much thought. Maybe that is strange given the fact that I've thought about little else in the last year and a half. But, truly, I can NOT let him have any more power to mess with my emotions and thoughts at this point. I have been to hell and back, not once but twice. I am finally doing well.
I am feeling strong, confident, great about myself and enjoying my life. The kids are doing well and seem to have adapted to the situation quite well. I have great support and a good, secure job. As I said to my dear friend G yesterday, "What's not to like?"
So, I am on my path, and loving it.
He is on his. What he chooses to do is up to him. If he does the work for himself, and it is real and true and HUGE changes are made.... who knows what the future holds.
But who he is now... I choose not to have in my life, other than co-parenting.
OK, now on to much more important things..... party planning!
Had around 15 or so people over... great friends, great food, great wine, great music. A good time all around. And the best part was the amazing sense of support I felt. All of those people came because they want to support me in this new chapter in my life. They brought me gifts and cards and... WINE! (I am well stocked for some time.... ) One of my friends, as she was leaving, said... "Rocked, do you realize how many great friends you have? And the quality of those friends? It is a testimony to the kind of person you are." I thought about that for quite a while after she left and it made me feel warm all over (or was that the wine... hmmmmmm.... )
So that was all good.
The current issue is H's ongoing discussions with me about reconciliation. I am struggling with this mainly because I am feeling pressured now. On one hand, he is saying he sees how hard I fought for us and he wants an opportunity to do that now. Then in the next breath he says "Just tell me straight up if you are done for good so I can move on." You call that fighting for us? I keep saying the same thing... Right now the answer is no. You work on you, I work on me. I don't believe a word you say, so I would need to see action... and A LOT of action.
This doesn't seem to be good enough for him. Too bad. I fought for us when I had no guarantees and he kept slamming the door shut in my face. I fought with everything I had for a year and a half. If he really wants to fight, he needs to prove it. Otherwise, yup I am done.
Sounds like a great party R. My invitation must've gotten lost in the mail- I'm sure
Well you have H figured out right. He's desperate to have you back and looking for an easy 'yes' so he can feel all warm and fuzzy inside and make things easy on him. I understand that he will have to invest a lot of time, emotion and work working on himself and showing the changes so he wants to know that it's not a 100% lose lose. I don't know your background or how you feel about him but I can tell you that your recent apt move (and perhaps some other factors too) has really sent a strong signal to him. Until now he saw you someone dependant on him or someone that needed him but now he's sees that he's not all that needed by you and you're becoming stronger by the day. It's what's scaring him. He's scared you'll soon forget about him and will probably find someone else. Yep, that's what happens!
So the question is are you really done with him? Like if he became who he once was that made you fall for him is there a chance? If yes then tell him, if and only if he can be what he was like back then there maybe a chance. If he's genuine in his efforts then you can guide him, start slow by dating while living apart, do counseling etc. However, if you don't want him back even he made the changes then tell him you're done and he should move on.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Sounds like a great party R. My invitation must've gotten lost in the mail- I'm sure
Well that explains why I waited at the door foreeeeeevvvverrrr and no Romeo! LOL
No worries... you can still attend my virtual party when I throw it.
Originally Posted By: ImprovedRomeo
So the question is are you really done with him? Like if he became who he once was that made you fall for him is there a chance? If yes then tell him, if and only if he can be what he was like back then there maybe a chance. If he's genuine in his efforts then you can guide him, start slow by dating while living apart, do counseling etc. However, if you don't want him back even he made the changes then tell him you're done and he should move on.
Well... I don't know if this answers the question of whether I am done... but I have ZERO interest in guiding him, dating him etc. When my phone goes off and it is him, I cringe. When I see him I can't wait til he is gone. Is that done? Or is it just that I finally reached my limit?
I can't think of him being who I fell for... he was 19 when we met. So long ago....
So odd... when I loved him very deeply for over twenty years. Now, I feel nothing.
Yet... there is twenty years and three kids and what was once a good M. That's why I keep telling him to work on him.
Could I love him again if those changes were made? I don't know because my big issue is trust and it has been damaged so badly.
So give me your feedback folks... does this mean I am done?
I am trying to see my IC and she is booked up! Grrr
Are you done rocked? Umm, depends on how you define done I guess.
I would say that even if you reconcile, be it the first time, or "second" time round, or whatever, you ARE done. Done with the M that had existed before, done with letting your own happiness be a hostage to someone else's madness.
Good that you are letting him work at things now. He has manning up to do. Still, don't feel pressured to slam shut any doors that you don't have to. You don't have to walk through them, take your time.
And what's this about a party? :P
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Seriously though, you've gone through a lot and now that you're finally here and begining to reconstruct your life and actually enjoying it he wants to drag you back down into the mess again. Very understandable what you feel and I would feel the same way.
Since you were the one who did all the work trying to fix your R with him, you took the time, put in a lot of effort, at this point you know you did everything you could that is why you can feel ok with getting your life and freedom back and living for yourself. In that time you learned a lot about yourself and him- and your feelings for him changed over time. Now that he's pursuing you and hounding you it's even more unattractive. If he would offer the option to you once and then slip into the background and truly work on himself perhaps you will wonder and have more respect and attraction for him. We all learn this the hard way but especially women need to feel respect for their man or else they won't find them attractive. The respect comes from when men respect themselves, sure there are tough times in life and we lose things near and dear to us but we need to process things internally rather than completely breaking down, crying, begging and pleading.
Anyway, you decide what you want to do and you don't have to make that decision now! However, if I were you I'd say to him at this juncture in your life you just need some time and space for yourself, you don't want to discuss anything at this time. Over time if things change you'll let him know. This way if he really wants you back he'll do the work quietly knowing it may work or it may not- that's for him to decide for himself. If not then you've set both of you free. Just my humble opinion.
BTW, I only charge half of what your IC does and my schedule's looking pretty open today...and for the next few years
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Great that I am getting some male perspective here, thanks!
Deep... my friend...'bout time you showed up again! Sheesh, how was I supposed to invite you to the biggest bash of the year? Don't worry... you'll get an invite!
Deep and Romeo, thank you for both confirming two important things for me: 1. this is my decision to make and no one can make it for me, and 2. I don't need to make it now.
Thank you also for validating why I feel the way I do. You know how we women like that kinda stuff!
Romeo... I pretty much said to him last night what you suggested. I asked him for space and time, to stop pressuring me and to focus on working on himself. He is falling apart and it is very unattractive. I need him to man up and handle things on his end and pull himself together. Right now there is no respect and no trust. And it really makes me feel suspicious of his intentions to want to reconcile. I know this is mindreading, but it really feels like I am being manipulated. Good ol' faithful, devoted Rocked will once again fix things and pick up all the pieces and make it all okay.
Nope. Not gonna happen. So yeah... space, time, keep focusing on me and the kids. I am enjoying my life right now.
I am lovin' that Aver!
