I know how to validate and agree with this, though it's obvious I've done a poor job in the past. But how do I lead? By leaving? By staying and telling her she needs to leave to get unstuck?
By moving on, showing her that she isn't absolutely everything to me? I can think of a million ways to do that... file, date, etc.
In this cas you lead by detaching and giving her space. Not by moving out. She needs room to breathe. Listen to what she says and take HER advice. She is telling you what she needs right now. Do you not believe her?
"Do you have any idea what it is like to feel like you are absolutely everything to someone? It's suffocating.I've tried (many times) to express to you how hard it is for me to discern how I really feel from how I(and you) think I should feel. mindreading I can't see the forest for the trees. It's like you just wantedis that what you wanted or intended? to keep plowing ahead through a snowbank that is completely frozen and all you're doing is packing the snow harder.PRESSURE Sometimes you have to give it time to thaw before you can start again." What does that mean to her?
She is giving you what you want. She is dying for you to see it. (not mind reading - it's the cat whisperer in me)
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
In this cas you lead by detaching and giving her space. Not by moving out. She needs room to breathe. Listen to what she says and take HER advice. She is telling you what she needs right now. Do you not believe her?
She doesn't feel like she has space in the house. What I've done to give her space hasn't changed how she feels about being suffocated.
Can I stay and force her to leave? Sure. It'll take a month of real pressure, pressure that can do just as much damage as me leaving. Will that really make a difference in how she feels about being suffocated?
She's not feeling like I'm abandoning her, but smothering her.
Your W is screaming at you and YOUR pride is kicking your as*. That fuc*ing male ego is a bit*h isn't it.
Honestly dude, you want the best for your kids. Right? You want to write, and do stuff. Right? WTF is stopping you?
Stay in the house dude. Stop trying to force her to do something that right now she does not want to do.
Stop trying to ring a bell that cannot be unrung. Man up - change for YOU and maybe just maybe she may come around. By the look of her email to you I agree 100% with coach - she is watching.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
"Do you have any idea what it is like to feel like you are absolutely everything to someone? It's suffocating.I've tried (many times) to express to you how hard it is for me to discern how I really feel from how I(and you) think I should feel. mindreading I can't see the forest for the trees. It's like you just wantedis that what you wanted or intended? to keep plowing ahead through a snowbank that is completely frozen and all you're doing is packing the snow harder.PRESSURE Sometimes you have to give it time to thaw before you can start again." What does that mean to her?
She is giving you what you want. She is dying for you to see it. (not mind reading - it's the cat whisperer in me)
She's frustrated. She feels that I want and am pressuring her to feel one way regardless of her needs. She needs time, space and the freedom to understand what she wants.
She's torn because she feels one way, and thinks she should feel differently.
She thinks that time will help her make her choices easier.
I can’t say it as eloquently as Coach, but I see where she feels pressured and pushed by you to love you and stay in the M. It is not that she does not want to love you, or stay married to you, but she feels inclined to do so because of the pressure she feels from you. I am not sure how structured your family life is, but maybe she feels it is too constrictive and that there is not enough “free” time to pursue individual interests.
It does happen in a M when you have children that one becomes so consumed with children and family activities that they tend to lose themselves and begin to rebel. IDK this is just my gut feeling from reading what your W wrote and from reading your thread.
Your W is screaming at you and YOUR pride is kicking your as*. That fuc*ing male ego is a bit*h isn't it.
Honestly dude, you want the best for your kids. Right? You want to write, and do stuff. Right? WTF is stopping you?
Stay in the house dude. Stop trying to force her to do something that right now she does not want to do.
Stop trying to ring a bell that cannot be unrung. Man up - change for YOU and maybe just maybe she may come around. By the look of her email to you I agree 100% with coach - she is watching.
She's frustrated. She feels that I want and am pressuring her to feel one way regardless of her needs. She needs time, space and the freedom to understand what she wants.
She's torn because she feels one way, and thinks she should feel differently.
She thinks that time will help her make her choices easier.
Do you have EXPECTATIONS about this?
How much time do you "expect" it to take?
I am sure it will take longer than what you seem to think.
I am sure it will take longer than what you seem to think.
Not really. Once you start making emotional connections, your wife feels seen, she feels free to pursue you (no pressure), and she feels secure in the marriage. She can fall back in love very quick. Take care of business. Once you understand what she wants and give it to her it's like magic. You won't ever look at women the same way again.
Attraction - Love - Intimacy
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
