So..........my H is buying a house.

[Albuquerque]

I want to LIVE for myself.

So really what the hell is stopping you? I mean really? Is it fear? Is it finances? Is it the kids? What is it?

I really have no idea what this means. How do I live for ME? That is something I have NEVER done, and it's sad to say that I don't know how to do this. AND my life and what I do on a daily basis is pretty much full - doing for others, and my kids - primarily my kids, and I don't know what I am supposed to do for ME.

Handling, Eric has asked some very good questions above. For me, your response above is the MOST telling. THIS is what, above all else, you need to work on. If YOU don't know who you are, how can anyone else? If you don't find YOURSELF interesting, how can anyone else? If you don't find your personality/interests attractive, how can anyone else? We all have kids/life/work etc. I'm probably being harsh here, but I frankly don't believe you have NO time to devote to yourself. Both you and your kids will BENEFIT from you discovering who you are. Do you want your kids to live their lives for others or do you want them to grow up confident and independent and ready to take on the world? Be an example. Find the real Handling.

[PEI]

I'm probably being harsh here, but I frankly don't believe you have NO time to devote to yourself. Both you and your kids will BENEFIT from you discovering who you are. Do you want your kids to live their lives for others or do you want them to grow up confident and independent and ready to take on the world? Be an example. Find the real Handling.

Right on Alb. To be fair, I'm sure she FEELS like she doesn't have the time, but as my friend D says all the time "Are you busy getting by, or busy getting ahead?". MAKE the time. SAY NO sometimes *gasp* I KNOW ... but try it. Start small ... you can do it ....

Peace
PEI

[handlingplanb]

I hate to leave things unfinished and am failing at work.....

I am not divorced, because I won't file

Separate divorce and filing from YOUR happiness. You know you really can be happy and still physically separated. You really can have a life and be divorced.

I know this too. For the most part my days are happy. I am fine - most of the time. I am very affected, still, by what my H does - because THIS is still not what I WANT. And this isn't just about me - it's for my kids too. They are adapting, and dealing with this very well - but it is still not what I had hoped and EXPECTED for them when I brought them into the world.

You appear to be “waiting”, which I understand BUT also appear to be waiting and standing still.

I guess, I've equated standing with waiting - but I KNOW I am not supposed to be standing still. I admit this is a huge struggle for me.

It looks like you still react to things your H does or does not do. As opposed to sitting down and figuring out what it is that you really want to do for you. Maybe Handling your afraid to let go. Maybe Handling your afraid to file. Mabye your afraid of Handing. That’s right your afraid of yourself. The longer you wait to start your life the more COMFORTABLE in misery and sadness you become. Why would you allow this? Com’on girl…seriously, why?

I don't want to let go. I guess part of me feels that if I let go - I won't be open and willing to accept H if he has the big "awakening" that I have hoped for.

I am not miserable and sad - first, I don't have time for that. I have moments by myself that I break down, but from the outside looking in, you would not know that. I save that for here.

Do I pull the switch to set myself free? Is that the only way I can really cut the ties and live for ME? Today, I can't.

Do you really think that a piece of paper is going to set you free? Your marriage right now is a legal document – that’s it. Emotionally he is gone. Physically he is gone. Does that mean that you cannot reconcile?

I was thinking on paper - if I were to do the work and move forward with the divorce myself (as my H has asked)would this allow me to let go? I don't think so. At this point all that is lacking is paper, and I haven't been able to.

NO. But ask yourself this question..

Why are you still attracted to YOUR H?

This is a hard one, because at this point I love the person I know my H to be down to his soul. I do not love the person who had the affair. I do not love the person that decided on his own that we could just be DONE. I am not in love with the person that can say he cares for me deeply - but is not in love with me. I look at him and for the most part he looks to be the same person that I vowed to stand by until death - but accepting that he doesn't want me anymore has been impossible - accepting that love is not forever - when I feel like mine is, is impossible. Accepting that this is all OK with him - knowing who he is is impossible to accept.

IMO, you are attracted to his independence. You are attracted to the life that he is living for himself. You are probably jealous BUT really you have nothing to be jealous about. Cause honestly you are holding yourself back.

Attracted to his independence? No. It pisses me off. It makes me very angry to watch him act as if all of this is normal. It makes me angry to watch him continue to live with the respect and admiration of people who know him - who don't know what our separation is really all about.

The world does not know about his A. Our community is too small to risk letting our kids find out. But even saying this - I don't want them to know, but at times it is very very hard to watch them look up to him the way they do knowing what he has done. I feel horrible for thinking this, but this is how I feel.

I'm not attracted to his independence - but angry because I feel like I take on additional responsibility to allow him to be more independent - and writing this makes a lightbulb go off in my head.

I also got angry when I learned that the house he bought came partially furnished - and everything has been taken care of so he could just move in - it pisses me off that it can be "easy" for him - and I don't like being angry about this either.

Why is it taking me so fu*$ing long to get this?

In one word – FEAR.

Handling what I wish I could MAKE YOU SEE is that if you face the fear. If you face your demons. IF you take a step out of the life of sadness and misery that everything will look differently.

I will have to ponder this. I am not sure that fear is my problem.

It's not my dream job (but don't know what that would be)

Maybe you need to find out what your dream job is. Once again…sometime ya have to say f*ck it and just go with your gut…take a chance. Find out what you really want to do and then head down full steam ahead to try and find it.

For years I thought I had my dream job. Raising my kids, working beside H - and very successfully (I thought). I never thought I would need more.

I feel like a failure.

Because you think that YOU were the cause of his crisis. Because you think that YOU could control someone else.

You’re a failure IF you allow yourself to be. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Do you think that all of these people are failures? I can tell you fuc* no…they are not. I am not. You are not. Define what is a failure to you.

I am not happy with being a statistic. Failure is unacceptable to me - so feeling this way, and believing it on many levels has me stuck here. I do not want to FAIL. Failure has never been an option in my world and THIS feels like failure.

I've failed my marriage.

Stop thinking like this. Ya know I’m not gonna try and tell you that you didn’t fail in your M. Fuc* it I’ll agree. Does your failed M define YOU? No it doesn’t. Learn to bounce back from failures. Do you know what a failure implies? It implies that YOU took a chance and tried something, which is a sign of strength. That’s right you tried something. Think about it…is it easier to try something..take a chance or is it easier to run…and never try anything? I think you know the answer to this.

Marriage to the man I loved never felt like taking a chance, but I get what you are saying.

I've failed my kids by failing my marriage.

Bullchit! You fail your kids when YOU do not focus on YOUR happiness. Do you think your kids want to see you moping around the house, crying, depressed. NO. Your M has NOTHING to do with your kids. You did not fail them.

My kids don't see moping and crying (much). They see a mother who has taken on everything and does everything without help from anyone (for the most aprt). They see a mother re-venting the dryer at midnight. They see a mother re-plumbing the bathrrom sink, or installing new switches. They see a mother that does it all for them - and more. AND yes, I know they need to see a happy mother - because the more I analyze my situation, I accept that a lot of my problems can be explained by how I saw my mother. I see what she LIVED for, and tried to model my life after her - but I don't believe she was happy. I don't believe she is happy. AND I don't want that for my kids.

I know I need help. I don't know where to turn.

I have wonderful friends that are very much involved with their families and kids. I have no friends that are divorced. I fill like an alien - like I don't belong because I have been rejected by the man I've loved for 30 years.

First off, you are living in a victim mentality right now. ONLY YOU can pull yourself out of it. I suggest that you consider going on some anti depressants. That’s not a knock on you..no…sometime we all need a little help. I went on some meds right after the bomb to help me sleep and just relax my butt. So please look into this.

I went the anti-depressant route in the beginning of this. I'm past that. The moments I have - like I had Saturday morning are few and far between these days - but when they happen they hit hard because I DO NOT WANT to feel this way ever - and 3 years in to this I THINK I should be done with moments like that.

So you have no friends divorced…go find some. Join a singles group, join a church group. Get out of the house.

This I need to work on. I have been looking, but it needs to be a priority. One more week of Softball for D13 and I will have some spare time (I hope.).

Do me a favor….

Post what your day is like…what time do you wake up, what do you do, what days do you NOT have the kids. Then post what things you like to do. Just three things…just three.

Okay?

I'll do this in another post- but it might scare you........

Hang in there Handling….hang in there and do me one other favor…

Tomorrow…wake up and say “fuc* it – today I will be happy”….

Cause tomorrow…although my W is still having her affair….I will wake up in the morning and do the same…”fuc* it tomorrow I will have a good day” – why? Cause I CHOOSE TO.

God Bless,
Eric

Thanks, Eric. I did. I hope that doing this every morning will help.

I'm feeling better today. I'm doing my best not to let the down times last as long - I just want to stop having them.

[handlingplanb]

If you don't find YOURSELF interesting, how can anyone else? If you don't find your personality/interests attractive, how can anyone else?

I do have a lot to work on. I need to make time for my own happiness. I am totally devoted to my children. I love to watch them play ball - and with 3 competitive ball players, this takes up a lot of my life.

I will do anything for anyone if asked. I can do EVERYTHING on my own, and do. I am an active volunteer with a group at school and I manage a competitve group of "problem solvers" that my oldest D is a part of - AND this I enjoy immensely.

If this isn't attractive, than should I care? This is primarily who I am. Do I need to jump out of airplanes or join a rock band (to compete with H's) to be interesting? I don't want to be interesting to anyone but myself. This experience has taught me that that is the most important, and this I will work on for myself and to teach my kids that being happy with yourself is important. At this point, this is what I need to work on.

And I don't want this to sound harsh either - I get what you are saying, but whatever I chose to do or explore will be for myself and not to be attractive to H or anyone else. I will post a day in my life later.....

[handlingplanb]

5:00 Wake
Walk Dogs
Unload diswasher/reload
Make lunches for kids/myself
Feed outside dog/cat
Feed inside dogs
Take out trash if needed (Mondays drive trash to end of driveway)
6:00 Sit with coffee
6:15 - 6:30 Wake Girls
6:30 Shower/dress for work
Wake son
7:30 Walk dogs
Anything else that needs to be done: ie. last week it was rounding up boots and gloves for S; needles and buttons for D13; alumninum cans for D17.....

[Tuesday and Wednesday mornings I don't have kids. I fold/put away laundry; iron my clothes for work and/or clean around the house.]

7:45 Leave for work/school
8-4:30 Work
12:00 I run home to walk dog (puppy)
5:00-6:00 Cook/prepare dinner
[Monday, Tuesday nights when I don't have kids - I usually have them until 6 or sometimes I have them until 8 - I either mow (3 acres), do other things around the house, or make the 25 minute drive to the grocery store, or attend a high school sporting event]

6:00 Drive D to play practice, or S to football or basketball practice. If practice is outside sometimes I sit and read or walk puppy on fitness trail - or if I didn't get dinner fixed before, I run home and do that......or any number of other things that come up.

If no practices(which is rare), help kids with homework - other things around house (i.e. take care of hot tub, clean, other maintenance issues).

8:00-9:00 Drive kids home
Finish homework
9:00 Kids get ready for bed
Walk dogs
Feed indoor dogs
Help son feed lizards
Feed turtles
Finish anything else - dishes, pay bills, walk dogs, laundry
10:00 Bed

The play is over and football has ended as of Saturday. There is one more weekend of softball (tournaments start either Friday night or Saturday morning. They consume almost all of Saturday and Sunday.) I will begin practicing with my group of girls 1 or 2 evenings a week. With softball and football over, there will be some time that opens up.

There havent been many weekends with out softball (or D17's band competitions) since March. Those rare weekends allowed me to mow and work in the yard on weekends rather than evenings. I also use those days to clean the house - so since there haven't been many of them the house is a pit at the moment.

It doesn't sound like much when written. I know this is all stuff that everyone else does. I find myself some days having an hour or two with nothing that has to be done and I ENJOY doing nothing since most of my life is busy (all 3 kids play baseball/softball, S plays football/basketball, D's are in plays and band). I read when I have some free moments. When this all began I took up jewelry making and took a stained glass class. I hope to be able to do some more with jewelry when softball ends, and someday hope to finish my stained glass project. I have had a rare evening out with friends, but as I said earlier my friends are married and have busy families as well.

There are a multitude of projects that need to be taken care of around the house. I recently had a laundry list of repairs that needed to be made that I couldn't do (garage door openers,stove element, freezer that quit) and I had all of that scheduled and finally completed. But, there are other things that need to be done and I will hopefully be able to start on that list.

As a side note, I stopped asking my H for help around OUR home a long time ago. It quickly became obvious that he wanted nothing to do with it. I told myself that he didn't want that responsibility - that he was working through his issues, and enjoying being a rentor - and being "free." Now, he is a homeowner and he is taking on all the responsibility that comes with owning a home on his own. So.......either he has worked through is issues, I've been wrong all along about this being an MLC, or he has no idea what he's getting in to....

Maybe this is living for me. I don't know. Maybe I don't know what it looks like, or supposed to look like. How do other people find time to just have fun? To some it seems easy. Maybe I'm just not happy because I still feel what I've lost and am failing at dealing with this on an emotional level.

I don't want to come off as a whiner. I just do a lot, and don't seem to have spare time to just "have fun." In the beginning I would often sit and sob - but that happens rarely now and the reality of all that it takes to care for my home has set in and I work to keep up with it all.

I am still struggling, and don't want to be anymore. I have searched for seminars or retreats to help with divorce recovery -but technically I'm not divorced. I am exploring the option of seeing a life coach. I welcome any ideas or suggestions from those that have found external sources of help. It's obvious that "willing" myself to get over this and move forward is not helping.

[ericmsant2]

Handling,

WOW – and people talk about the length of my post <smile I am kidding>…

Okay before I go on you may want to sit down….grab a cup of coffee…actually f*ck that grab a glass of wine. Clear your mind…make sure the kids are not around….Now are you ready?

Breath….

First, I know you know that things are going to be OKAY. At least that is what you post BUT what I see in your words is that really YOU do not believe it. Not yet…but you will.

So you acknowledge this

I don't have any control over anyone but myself. How I deal, I know needs work.

This ^^^^ is a good first step. Before I go on I want you to know that I do not give a rats ass about your H. I am more concerned with YOU.

Handling….it appears that you are codependent and have NO sense of self – outside of your kids and your M. Yeah….yeah…you work. But really you are totally codependent on others. I am not trying to hurt you and FTR, I am not a professional…just another codependent myself.

Why do I say your codependent?

Take a look at YOUR words below…

I took on a second job to help with finances and I did anything and everything to make things run smoothly so my H could finish law school.

I gave to him - I helped him with his homework,

I only worked for H.

I gave all of me to raising the kids

I was working with and for my H

Providing and helping others has been my measure of this.

Making others happy has been my primary goal.

I will do anything for anyone if asked.

A codependent fells like this (see below) when they DO all of the above….

but at that point I was very unhappy.

I was unappy and since I was LIVING for our life together, I became more unhappy.

but my attempt to truly let go have failed.

I haven't forgiven myself.

I guess part of me feels that if I let go - I won't be open and willing to accept H if he has the big "awakening" that I have hoped for.

I am very affected, still, by what my H does –

And Because YOU feel the way that you do….you have a hard time with this…

How do I live for ME? That is something I have NEVER done, and it's sad to say that I don't know how to do this.

Handling, my W was the same way…giving of herself to everyone. She had no sense of self, other than being Mrs. Ericmsant2. It is a really bad place to live. The interesting thing is that I was codependent on her BUT I was able to hide mine a little better.

Can you see what I see?

I will have to ponder this. I am not sure that fear is my problem.

The reason why I say that Fear is YOUR issues is because IMO, you are afraid to face your codependency . It is much easier not to. I lived this way for a very long time.

I say you are afraid because if you do face your codependency you would need to fact these feelings:

but it does still truly hurt that I am "not good enough.

am failing at work

because THIS is still not what I WANT.

I don't like being angry about this either.

I don't want to let go.

Codependent’s don’t like to let go. It is scary. To think you really cannot control someone else. What are you going to do? How will you make it (not financially)…how will you make it emotionally.

The fear creeps up…it starts subtle and everytime you look at it…you wanna go running in the opposite direction. Add to this that right now you have an EXCUSE not to look at it. Your H.

Yep – he is the excuse for YOU. Remove him from the equation and you would have to face it and I know just how scary it is.

I hope I am not upsetting you Handling. I am only writing this because I really care about everyone on these boards (okay maybe not everyone but most <insert picture of Eric with a sh!t eating grin>.

Take another sip of the wine Handling…I’m not done yet.

Here are few more Excuses you have at your disposal..

And this isn't just about me – it's for my kids too. but it is still not what I had hoped and EXPECTED for them when I brought them into the world.

Yep…I used my kids too sweetie. I said to myself…they will be impacted, they will suffer, it will be hard for them….this sucks…blah..blah..blah..

It is an excuse. They will suffer IF WE allow them to. They will suffer IF they see US suffer. But see in order to accept that you must learn one big lesson….

You need to learn to LET GO of the things YOU cannot control in YOUR life.

AND YOU know this…wanna know why I say this…(see below)

Re: the kids…..”They are adapting, and dealing with this very well” –

Okay so now for arguments sake….let me assume that you are still reading this and not saying this guy is a total as*. I’ll also assume that you agree with me.

What’s next?

First go pick up a book called codependent no more. A very good read. You may need to read it a few times. I did but then again I may be a little dense (not comment Grit or Alb).

Second,

but technically I'm not divorced.

ACCEPT that emotionally YOUR are divorced. ACCEPT IT! Let it all go. Yeah it sucks it really does and I sit here crying with you Handling. BUT we MUST ACCEPT IT. Let your H go sweetie BECAUSE that is the second step that YOU must take if you accept that you are codependent.

Take another sip of that wine. FTR, I like chardonnay – what about YOU?

Okay…so you may be saying how do I let him go…why do I let him go?

Here are a few reasons:

1) DB101 as it relates to MLCers…let go, gal, and work on YOU.

Reason number 2:

I do not love the person who had the affair. I do not love the person that decided on his own that we could just be DONE. I am not in love with the person that can say he cares for me deeply - but is not in love with me.

Right NOW it appears to me that HE is the person that YOU do not love anymore. Yeah you love the old him and I get that. I love the old W. I really do. Miss her a ton BUT she is not that person RIGHT NOW.

Understand that people fall in and out of love all of the time. It is the codependent that has the most trouble with this because they just can’t let go. They are “CODEPENDANT” on the other person or object for their happiness.

So handling it is OK to not be in love with your H right now. It does not mean that you cannot fall back in love with him in the future. It really does happen BUT honestly, the energy you expand sitting around and just hoping and praying does YOU no good. Then again, until you break the codependency you will not accept this.

Need a few more reason to let go?

Attracted to his independence? No. It pisses me off. It makes me very angry to watch him act as if all of this is normal. It makes me angry to watch him continue to live with the respect and admiration of people who know him - who don't know what our separation is really all about.

That ^^^^ is a shitt* feeling. Why do you want to feel this way? Oh…probably because you are used to it. I know I was. I was used to feeling like chit. I was used to relying on my W for my happiness. It was a way of LIFE. UNTIL…..

I faced that fear. As I have been known to say….”looked that f*cker right in the eye”.

Then…

I began to find ME.

When you FIND YOU handling….all of this gets a little easier…

Does the pain just go away? No – I am not going to blow smoke up your as* - you will still have moment of pain BUT they will be manageable.

Cool thing as you begin to find yourself…you really feel better. You feel sexy, attractive, ALIVE.

I do not want to FAIL. Failure has never been an option in my world and THIS feels like failure.

I could tell you that you are only a failure if you believe you are BUT I’m not gonna say that. You have probably already hear it. No…I will say this to YOU…

YOU WILL FAIL – UNLESS YOU deal with YOUR FEAR.

Cause it will keep you were you are at.

I know in my heart handling…that you can do this. It is fuc*ing hard. Much harder than “standing and watching our spouses” – much harder BUT

The reward sweetie is something that you will cherish for the REST of YOUR life.

AND IF your H awakes….

He will be amazed…to find a women…who is

Confident
Sexy
Strong
Smart
Compassionate
Truthful
Loving
Fun
Alive
Fearless
These ^^^^ are in no particular order.

Finally,

I want you to do me a favor.

Promise YOURSELF that you will pick up the book I suggested.
AND then….

Tuesday and Wednesday mornings I don't have kids.
Monday, Tuesday nights when I don't have kids

Tell me at least TWO things that you would want to do on these days ^^^ for you.

Here are few suggestions….(and I suspect that some people on these boards may get offended by this BUT honestly I don’t give a chit)….

Go by yourself a nice outfit…something really sexy…and GO out with your girlfriends. GO to dinner, go to the movies. Something. Flirt a little…have some fun. Really just get out of the house. Fuc* the lawn (shi* ya can’g take the lawn with ya when your time to me God comes – so really f it).

Start living for YOU handling….

Face those fears

God Bless,
Eric

[handlingplanb]

Eric - if you read HALF of what I wrote, I hope you had a drink in hand. As you know, putting things on "paper" is therapeutic -whether or not you are lucky enough to get quality advice as a result of it........AND I prefer Merlot - you don't have to (wait to)chill it, and you get those antioxidant benefits.

BUT - I didn't need the wine. I kind of half a$$ diagnosed myself as co-dependent a long time ago - but thought with detachment and time I could just "get over it." I guess that's part of the DENIAL.

Anyway......the book is on order - not just in my cart (like last time). It's way past time to get to work. I'm ready.

[ericmsant2]

Handling

Anyway......the book is on order - not just in my cart (like last time). It's way past time to get to work. I'm ready.

GOOD.

Oh....BTW...you didn't answer these questions.

Tuesday and Wednesday mornings I don't have kids.
Monday, Tuesday nights when I don't have kids

Tell me at least TWO things that you would want to do on these days ^^^ for you.

So are ya gonna tell me OR are you still focused on the house, the lawn, the kids, the......

I'm waiting

God Bless,
Eric

[Upside]

Di-
Glad to see you started your own thread. You have been getting GREAT advice here. I can understand your hurt and anger about your H buying a new house but you have to let it go or it will continue to eat away at you. You need to distance yourself as much as you possibly can from whatever your H does. I know everyone always says this and I know from my experiences that your H's crisis (which includes buying the house) has NOTHING to do with you. Your H needs to explore and exhaust all the avenues that he thinks will bring him happiness. He needs to to this before there is any chance he will recognize that your marriage was not the source of his unhappiness. Let him go figure it out and while he is doing that, find yourself and what makes you happy. If you can completely let go and find yourself, you may discover that you are truly happier without him. Let go and just see what happens...and don't forget to count all of your blessing as often as you can...if you can do that, you may find yourself with a whole new perspective.

(((HUGS)))

[handlingplanb]

Thanks for checking in, Up. I have let go of the anger about the house purchase. I don't dwell on the fact that I am co-owner of a house I haven't seen and won't in the near future.Posting here about the situation and listing why I was angry helped me release it. I would change the name of the thread if I knew how....

I think I can also say with sincerity that I do hope this brings him happiness.

I am currently struggling with his continued
efforts to make plans with the kids after school

without telling me. I find out from D17 when
plans have been made. We shared some texts yesterday that were pretty charged. I tried only
to stress that he needs to contact me. Even
though I work until 4:30, the kids's after school
schedules are my responsibility. I have made it
clear more than once that I don't have issue with the plans, just that I need to be told. It just pisses him off. He doesn't want to have to tell me. Is this co-dependent behavior on my part? Am I being too controlling? I don't think so, I think as a parent I need to know the plans. I also think when another parent is involved in the plans and it is not their scheduled time with the kids (given the fact there has to be a schedule) as an adult that parent should contact the other parent about the plans. If I'm being unreasonable.....help me.....

I haven't bad a minute to open the co-dependent book. Eric, that's first on my list for Tuesday. Monday night is play-off football game.

I have a lot of work to do before I even know what to put on my list of what I want. I did spend a few hours with friends Thursday evening.....even though I had the kids. They put themselves to bed. It was hard, but these two friends are nearly impossible to schedule time with, so I left the kids to have a drink and talk.