May the force be with you young Ericmsant2.....

[cat04]

Btw, that smirk? I think they hand it out with the MLC do-it- yourself kit. You do know that they have their own how-to guide, right?

Hey E,

I saw the damn smirk the other night myself...

Just wanted to wipe it right off his face...

I didn't. Not that it matters, cuz I could have at this point...

It goes hand in hand with the spaced out look and lack of memory they get when they are trying to contact the mother ship...

You are dealing with batchit crazy here and you know it.

Separate the two things E, your M and your kids.

Yes one affects the other but they are two separate things...

Just because techinally a kid thing is what broke my back, doesn't mean it should have been. It was simply the final straw ontop of a mountain of straws in my life, you know that.

Truth is, I am a hard head and I think for me, it took that straw for me to decide to put myself first for a change. And even after the anger over that particular incident, it took me a while, quite a while, to make my choice, to allow my anger over that to dissappate and for me to decide what I needed to decide the right way. Not driven by any anger or frustration.

Give yourself that time...

You will appreciate it in the end...

[Serenity13]

Eric ~

I don't think I have posted to you here before, just in the alt. Beautiful and sad that our little ones feel the need to protect us...

I had a bad day last week and little man was on the phone with his Dad, he hung up and told me, "Daddy said to tell you he loves you." Broke my heart to think he thought all would be well with that sentence. I know darn well H didn't say that, but it was sweet on sons' part.

You and your family are in my prayers my friend.

(((Hugs)))

[dl443322]

Eric, you know what you have to do. And only you can do it.

Feel the anger. Get it out. Then let it go. For you.
Because if you dont, it weighs you down and stops you from moving foward.

Your children are watching you very closely now. Show them how to handle what happens in life with strength and honor.

You set the tone for them.

So, you now have an opportunity here. To be the man you have aspired to be.

You got this, my friend.

[ericmsant2]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am really touched by the response I received.

Missher - thanks for last night. Thanks for being an ear. Your a class act! AND you were spot on with your comments to me.

Okay - the anger is out.

Wow, was I pissed last night. You guys can ask Brook...she was on the receiving end of several of my "get it out text" last night. Thank you B.

Serenity / Kara - thank you ladies I am grateful for your words.

So after calming down I spent most of the day today pretty damn calm. I went to a few car dealerships (saw a used Nissan Armada that I fell in love with) and also had an appt with my L.

While I was walking around the dealerships, a few things came to my mind...

1) Yesterday I was a whiny bi*ch! I knew the convo with my D was coming yet I allowed it to control my emotions. I was wrong - human - yes, but I could have done better and will do better going forward. The old Eric came out last night, which tells me I still have some pieces of me that I need to kill. The big one is the "why me" or "victim" mentality. It is a work in progress.

2) My kids and I will be fine. Things will be different yes, but different is not bad. It's just different.

3) As much as the smirk on my W's face pissed me off and as much as the pain and confusion that I know my daughter feels right now hurts and pissed me off - I actually think that BOTH of us (yes that would include my W) did the best we could have. These type of conversations are never easy.

4) I also realized that as much as I tell everyone to "let go" of the anger that I still have some pent up anger myself. Normal yes - but once again I can do better.

5) My big revelation.....AND some would say I am crazy BUT honestly I don't give a sh!t what others say....I have more to give in this process! Yep, I ain't "done" yet! Nope - I still owe it to ME and to my W to allow this process to continue. I owe it to ME to not throw in the towel! I can give a little more, I can be a little more patient, I can go a little bit longer and try and outlast her MLC!

6) I will not allow my anger to drive when I am done. Nope - I will know in my heart when I am truly done. When and IF that day comes...nothing will change my mind. Nothing!

7) My W deserves better from me. Yep, she does. If I am honest with myself I have not done all that I can do. I have not given her the time that she needs.

8) My feelings for my wife are different now. That much I know. Where that takes me, I have not the foggiest clue. BUT I know, that I have more to give.

9) A shift has taken place in me, one that quite honestly scares me. I am realizing more and more about myself. Yesterday I realized so many things, today I realized more. So although yesterday evening was tough, today was very interesting. I am a strong SOB. I am a good dad. AND I can really "feel" it. I am beginning to be amazed at my strength and capacity to love in the face of all of this. Is it hard? Fuc* yeah, but damn I am still here. I am still in the house - almost 14 months post bomb. Is this the idea, probably not BUT it could be worse. It could be that I do not have the opportunity to see my kids on a daily basis. It could be a lot worse. As I think about how bad it COULD be I realize that my thought pattern has shifted. Shifted from a negative view to a more positive view. So today, i really realized just how much i have changed. Just how different I am. Maybe this is what growth feels like - I have no idea. This is all new to me. BUT I am really beginning to like Eric.

Jack - I'm gonna call you out and I know you hate it but I'm gonna do it anyway (Mach, Cat what I am about to say applies to both of you too)...your advice has meant the world to me. Ya know Jack, I looked at my thread today and noticed you did not respond - and I knew why? I knew that you knew that this is something I must do - you know that this is something I must figure out. You are allowing me to learn about myself and not hold my hand. As Mach would say...you have taught me to fish and now you are letting me out into the ocean to go catch mine. Thank Jack - for not responding dude - cause I learned a lot about me today. A lot.

B, I can sense that my children are watching me. I actually sense the my W is too. They do not understand, they are used to something different. Why is daddy not pissed off? Why is daddy still nice to mommy? Daddy is different from a year ago? I can sense it. I can also "feel" my W eyes on me. Watching every interaction. What does this mean to me? Honestly, it does give me a little hope; however, I try and quickly put it out of my mind. I must remain steadfast in what i need to do, which is to continue to become the man I want to be - not for her, that ship sailed a long time ago. No, i live for me and my kids.

Damn - I know I'll be okay.

Finally, today my W and I took our D to a Halloween party. She seemed even more "like the old W". I know that I am dealing with someone in a crisis so I am not fooling myself but for a day at least it was nice to see the old "normal" W.

W and I spoke about the divorce. She has much that she needs to think about and I can tell this is so overwhelming for her. I can see that she is concerned and I can also see that she is steadfast in her desire to d me - yet I do sense just a tad bit of confusion. Not much just a little bit...BUT before I get beside myself...i remember...i remember just how long this process takes. I remember that I too have a ways to go and this is my focus.

Good night everyone and once again thank you for your responses.

God Bless,
Eric

[LanceSijan]

I still owe it to ME and to my W to allow this process to continue. I owe it to ME to not throw in the towel! I can give a little more, I can be a little more patient, I can go a little bit longer and try and outlast her MLC!

I've been thinking this about you for a while.
I am glad you are coming around to my way of thinking.

[ericmsant2]

Lance,

I always have agree (okay not always...remember when I first arrived - lol) that the only way to do this is to outlast an MLC. What I do not always agree with is the "timeline" or scientific type of approach. I just think that we should always remained focused on us, the LBS. That's all. Understand big bro?

[dl443322]

I'm with you, Eric. I never approached it from that angle either.

I just slowly found myself, my strengths. I began to realize the things I wanted to change. And I did.

I acknowledged that I loved my h enough to let him go. I got out of his way and let him walk his own journey. And I walked mine.

I let the anger go. I accepted what is. I accepted that whatever the future brings, is what is supposed to happen.

And then I felt at peace. And you will, too. Not just for a little while, but each and everyday.

That is my wish for you. Peace in every day. You deserve it.

[LanceSijan]

DB101 - Do what works! :):)

[punkin]

Eric!

You have doubts and fears! I'm so proud of you. You'd never know it from your posts. LOL Seriously, I've noticed that a lot of us who started posting about the same time here are going through some sort of carthesis. I'm hoping I'm a cocoon turning into a butterfly, that sort of thing.

You are handling things wonderfully, from my POV. You've been strong and positive for your children, and your W. It's that final little Riiiiiip in the fabric of our lives that is the hardest, I think. That complete and total drop.

We have a ways to go, I suppose. Both personally and in regard to our deceased marriages. Glad we all have each other to get through it.

Have a great day!

[LanceSijan]

What I do not always agree with is the "timeline" or scientific type of approach.

Eric I did want to respond to this a little more and hope I can find the right words to write.

You and I agree here more than you may think.

There are NO TIMELINES - but their is a script.
You read the same thing here almost everyday.
It plays out over and over.
I beleive the overall framework is laid out in the
6 stages of MLC. - Forget the times though, I agree they should have been left out.

As far as science, it can give us NO cure.
Only an understanding of the forces of nature that are at work here.
The science is VERY difficult to understand because it is backwards, upside down, inside out.
No real scientist could begin to understand what makes no sense.
So I do understand your POV.

We can not have expectations.
But we can have HOPE.

So whatever you do please keep that hope alive!