Now I'm Walking Away Part 3

[gutwrenching]

Pin -
I really don't have much to add. I've been following your sitch for a while now. It's like a favorite TV show where I just come in and root for my favorite character to get it all right and have the feel good ending.

You are getting such great advice especially from Trugritter and Coach...but you are obviously conflicted and it appears that you think this is the make or break decision point. With that in mind, 2 things.

1) I think you need to take a break, a timeout. This has consumed you so much lately that I'm not sure you can see the forest through the trees. You are smart and rationale...I see that in the advice you give others...but right now, you might not be the true Pinhead that we all know. However you do it, you might want to get away. Away from the boards for a couple of days, away from this topic for a couple of days.

2) There is no such thing as a make or break decision point. I believe that because in my sitch I thought I hit that point probably 10 times...and all 10 times I was incorrect. This is life. It doesn't just stop, nothing is irreversable. In fact it is this knowledge that I am having to deal with myself right now, piecing, because I know our decision to work on M can be reversed any time by either one of us

It does not sound like you are ready to make a decision. There is nothing wrong with that right now...limbo land might suck, but sometimes to quote another from DB boards...sometimes you just have to embrace the suck.

[Truegritter]

If your ploy backfires you'll be in dire straits financially and emotionally.

This ^^^^ is a good point.

My last post to you is really a change of mindset.

You don't have an affair to deal with (that we know of)

Your W is just done with you.

If you have looked in the mirror and listened to the complaints she has in her M of you, the ones that sting, the ones you can honestly admit to...

AND

YOU have honestly made those changes for YOU.

AND

You have detached and let your actions speak for you instead of words.

For a time so they can sink in.

How long? I don't know.

She is stonewalling you because she doesn't believe IMO.

She does not have faith in you.

Do you have faith in you? Do you know what you want?

If so are you prepared to do it without being assured you will get the desired result?

Time to look inside again man.

Do what you do for YOU not because of what your W will or will not do for your M right now.

If you are not capable of making THAT kind of choice then you can be honest with yourself and say that it why you don't choose to do it.

Either way this is the crossroad for you. You can make choices that align with your core and take the outcome either way.

Or

Run.

You may feel like a doormat right now as others might define it.

I say you are doormat as long as you attach your self worth to the actions or inactions of another...

When you make decisions from a faith in yourself that word "doormat" and the feeling attached to it, is in your rear view mirror...

It has no sting for you anymore.

That is what I think you are capable of (and everyone is) if you decide to find yourself through this tragedy.

In the end you only have control over your choices and that is what defines you.

[pinhead]

Your W is just done with you.

If you have looked in the mirror and listened to the complaints she has in her M of you, the ones that sting, the ones you can honestly admit to...

This.

She is done. She can't admit it, but it's obvious she is done.

She has no complaints about how I am now. Before the bomb she thought I was unaffectionate, and that I neglected her. That I wasn't involved enough with our daughters. That I wasn't as confident as I should be.

She says those are things I've changed since the Bomb.

But she's still done. Just wants her house with a white picket fence, two kids in the yard, her comfy little job that doesn't demand anything of her. In fact, that's exactly what she wants out of life, comfort with no demands or challenges.

You'll read this, and say "He's angry." "He's not detached" or "He's 'reattaching.'"

Yeah, I'm at an angry point. I'm at a point where I'm having to make huge sacrifices, where my life is going to be turned upside down, where my daughters are going to be turned upside down. Where...

That doesn't mean I'm running away, or that I'm flawed, or weak or a doormat or anything that's been said on these boards. They're just my feelings. I'm just having them, trying to see where they're coming from, why I feel this way. It's why we're human...

If I could coldly walk away from my family, the first thing I'd do is check myself into a psych ward. This SHOULDN'T be easy.

But it's the right thing for me to do; either I leave or she leaves. I made a mistake in deciding it had to be me to leave. I'm trying to find ways around that, ways that work for ME and my daughters. I might not be able to fix that mistake, and if not, I'll still go. But one of us has to leave, that's clear as the Nebraska sky right now.

[NotFromThesePart]

Pin,

I'm not sure I can really put into words what I feel like I hear you saying. You are a very open and forthright person. I don't think you are hiding anything. But here is my concern. I don't have any clue what you want. If you are leaving because your W is done, I understand that. But what are YOU going to do. If your M is over, what is next for Mr. P? What are you going to DO with your time.

I think that if you are just doing this because "someone has to move out" it is for the wrong reason. Will you date? Will, you take up new hobbies? Are you moving to a place you like?

What is your plan? Because one you leave it will be more difficult to come back (maybe that is a good thing).

I'm not saying what you should do one way or another, I'd just like to understand your plans.

[pinhead]

What I want?

I want a safe home for my daughters. I want time to spend on activities I like: writing, running, dancing, music, movies, reading. I want financial security. I want to spend time with my daughters. I want to spend time pushing myself to my limits, understanding myself, seeing how far I can go. A man's reach should exceed his grasp...

What would I like?

I'd like someone to share my interests with. Someone to joke and smile with. Someone I can be affectionate with. Someone who enjoys life, who sees the joy in it.

On chat, someone asked me if my wife smiled much at me. I can't remember the last time my W smiled at me. Not shared a smile because of something our daughters did, but smiled at me. It's been years.

[pinhead]

I think that if you are just doing this because "someone has to move out" it is for the wrong reason.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[LanceSijan]

She is done. She can't admit it, but it's obvious she is done.

Now this is mindreading!

In her fog there is NO way you can know how she feels.

The fact that she wants you to stay and even will carry on "as if" you were married to me say a quite different story.

[hurtinhartford]

Pinhead,

I concur with Gut. I think you need to detach from your sitch and from the boards for a while and just enjoy what life has to offer. These boards are addictive and I remember trolling through a lot of posts in the hope of understanding my sitch better and offering up advice when I thought I saw someone else’s sitch much clearer than they did. Unfortunately, these boards can keep you from GALing and I personally felt what I would call “The Death Spiral” effects because you start becoming consumed with other posters sitch’s.

Pin you are a great guy and I appreciate your support during my most difficult times. So this my pay forward to you in that you need some time off and just GAL. Go fishing for a weekend, shopping whatever is your thing and not think of anything but enjoying what life offer!

[pinhead]

She wrote me this email today in reply to some R talk that sprang up last night when we were talking about the separation:

"Do you have any idea what it is like to feel like you are absolutely everything to someone? It's suffocating. I've tried (many times) to express to you how hard it is for me to discern how I really feel from how I (and you) think I should feel. I can't see the forest for the trees. It's like you just wanted to keep plowing ahead through a snowbank that is completely frozen and all you're doing is packing the snow harder. Sometimes you have to give it time to thaw before you can start again."

[Coach]

"Do you have any idea what it is like to feel like you are absolutely everything to someone? It's suffocating. I've tried (many times) to express to you how hard it is for me to discern how I really feel from how I (and you) think I should feel. I can't see the forest for the trees. It's like you just wanted to keep plowing ahead through a snowbank that is completely frozen and all you're doing is packing the snow harder. Sometimes you have to give it time to thaw before you can start again."

Huge opportunity to validate, lead and agree with her. She needs someone to lead her thru the forest. You can handle it.


Cheers
ps. She's watching you.