Now I'm Walking Away Part 3

[Atossup]

Ihave to agree PH with the others. My first W asked me to move out and I did for 6 months than I realized that IT was my house, I was paying the bills, so I moved back in. She finally moved out and yes it sucked to be in a house with a woman who hated me but when she moved and got heavily involved with OG, at the D she gave me the kids!! I took care of them and she hardly had them to live her "new" life. Thank God for the OG !!

[fb2]

Oh and CYA dies not mean Chicago Youth Association. Perhaps a few months of your apt rent money would be better spent on an intensive session with MWD in Colorado?Aat least then you,d be putting your money where your mouth is and getting a quick reading on how to move on with your life.

[LanceSijan]

No, I'm calling the shots for me. I've decided to move out instead of living with her in a pseudo-marriage.

If you already made up your mind, why are you asking for other peoples opinions?

I mean I'll give you mine.
YOU ARE MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE.

You should stay in the house and if she wants to leave that will be her choice.
Once you leave, besides being abandonment, there may be no coming back.
It maybe a one time choice with no reversal.

It does not follow your marriage vows.
When things get tough in my marriage I will not work on it and just leave.

NOPE, sorry you need to start taking time and forget about her and work on yourself.

It can be done in the same house, even in the same bed.

What kind of message are you sending to your children?
When things get tough MOM and DAD run away!
BAD!!!!!!!!! example of being a parent!

[Truegritter]

Hey Pin

Man I can't say I went through your whole thread(s) If I missed something tell me.

What I see.

She has checked out emotionally. There probably is OM.

Or was.

You worked a little bit and then

Didn't get results and keep going back to the fact that she said she didn't love you but would saty for kids.

She initiated the bomb.

Why do you think?

She must have thought it out dontcha think?

Well he might leave. He might want me to leave.

This? or That?

WTF? It doesn't make sense. Something happened she didn't plan.

Maybe OM dumped her when she made the move with you. Didn't want the commitment. Or had guilt.

There would be a natural "mourning" period where she would be indifferent.

She does have guilt >>>>>>"you can date if you want to"

She is looking for a place to put it my friend.

And to you

Your defense was becoming the WAS. Who left in your first M?

This is a mexican standoff IMO. She doesn't believe you can change and you don't believe she will.

What does manning up mean to you?

What kind of man do you aspire to be?

Will your actions be in line with that?

Or

In reaction to something that your W doesn't feel like giving to you right now?

We are not entitled to anything...only what we choose for ourselves.

I am being me!

Do you know what that is?

This is hard stuff Pin. If you knew the answer to my question you would not be conflicted.

You have lost your way once already (1st M) and BTW so did I so I know what I am talking about.

When you got married this time you had an expectation and ...

so your vows were conditional weren't they?

Cause this ain't what you signed up for huh?

Schidt that sucks! It does. I know.

Know what sucks worse?

Living your life confirming you were wrong about your M, yourself and your W...

Your choices define who you are so

be careful.
Be patient with yourself
Be kind to yourself

Your honor will tell you the right thing to do.

^^^^^^^that^^^^^^^^^

is not a feeling it is a decsion.

Courage and strength will determine if you will choose it.

There is no judgement here Pin. Your answer is in you.

One last question.

How would you feel if she moved out?

Would that confirm or deny what you want from her.

[pinhead]

Lance, True,

I hear you, and appreciate the advice. I'm asking opinions, because this is obviously a big decision, there are people with different opinions/advice, and I don't think it hurts to get a second opinion when it's easy to let your emotions sway you from your goals.

She's made it really clear that she doesn't want to do anymore counseling, whether it's with a MC, Retro, or even MWD herself.

I don't see leaving the house as giving up on my marriage, or abandoning anyone, or my vows being conditional. Being together isn't making my R better. In some ways it's making it worse. Yes it's better now than after she dropped the bomb. But that's like saying your cancer isn't killing you quite as quickly now that we've started chemotherapy.

This is a chance for me and her to see what life is like without each other actively involved. It doesn't mean I won't keep GAL, or doing DB things to make our R better. It just means that I've accepted that I can't change her; I can only change myself.

Last night we spoke more about separating. And I realized one really important thing: none of the changes I've made in myself are helping her to see me differently, to feel differently towards me. She's happy I've made the changes, but they haven't helped her out of the fog.

She needs to do that. I can't help her, guide her, nada. And if me staying around is a part of the reason she's in the fog, then moving out will remove some of it.

I've stopped trying to figure out why she's lost her way. Whether it was my neglect, or her childhood issues, or that she got married before really knowing herself, or if there was another man. It doesn't matter.

She's responsible for finding her own way in this life. I'm responsible for myself and my daughters. I'm responsible for helping my W when she asks for it, providing it doesn't interfere with my other responsibilities; I have to be true to myself.

[XYZ]

I'm with Pinhead on this one. I made exactly the same decision for exactly the same reason. W couldn't move forward with me there, and neither could I. It's hard, but in the last few days I do feel at least a little better.

[Truegritter]

none of the changes I've made in myself are helping her to see me differently, to feel differently towards me. She's happy I've made the changes, but they haven't helped her out of the fog.

Did you do them for you or to change her behavior because your M didn't get ruined overnight and it won't be saved overnight.

Also she has to see consistent action from you not just words.

You make insincere changes and she'll sniff you out like a drug dog at the Miami airport.

How long does that take? I don't know. How long is it worth to you? Is there another relationshipo out there for you?

Maybe. But you better be sure you figured out this one or you'll be back here again.

And if me staying around is a part of the reason she's in the fog, then moving out will remove some of it.

How do you know this ^^^^? You don't Pin and what makes you think that removing yourself from it will be better?

Detachment is harder when you live with the person BUT it can be done.

I've stopped trying to figure out why she's lost her way. Whether it was my neglect, or her childhood issues, or that she got married before really knowing herself, or if there was another man. It doesn't matter.

Good because you can't do this and it's not your job it's hers and she may never get to know herself.

No guarantees here friend.

You have already been to the well to drink the water and quench your thirst (1st M)

and now you are back at the well to quench your thirst again.

And you will always be thirsty until you drink from the water of truth.

YOUR truth.

No better time in your life to find what this means for you.

If ALL your answers are in your decision to go and they are confirmed by that

Then do it.

You did not answer my questions about your 1st M and how you would feel if she was leaving.

I am not questioning your honor, your courage or your integrity but you should make sure your choices

Align with YOUR answers.

[pinhead]

Hi TG,

In my first marriage, I was the one who left.

If my W were to leave now, to separate like I am, I don't think I'd feel much differently towards the direction of our relationship. I have some irritation at having to leave my home, my comfort zone, and a sense that she's not having to make similar sacrifices. But those feelings are just feelings.

Just like you become attached to a person, you become attached to things and routines, and places and habits. Disrupt those, or even think about disrupting them too much and you become uncomfortable. I know that I'll eventually become comfortable in my new apartment, with my new custody arrangement.

Will I miss my wife? Surely. Will she miss me? Possibly. Surely to some extent, we've shared thirteen years together. I'm sure I'll cross her mind.

[LanceSijan]

if me staying around is a part of the reason she's in the fog, then moving out will remove some of it.

Pin this is the part I disagree with.
Her being in a fog has NOTHING to do with you.

It is not your fault, its all on her.
You moving out will be giving her space.
But it will not snap her out of her fog.

You are making it easy on her, she has to look within.
Your changes have nothing to do with her coming out of her fog either.

You make the changes for YOU!!! Not to win her back.
When she comes out of the fog she will have to deal with the new you, but until she does, there is NOTHING you can do.

Only give her space. Go on living your life as if she is not coming back.

I think you have an EXPECTATION that by moving out you will save your marriage. What you are doing is very risky.
I again would not suggest it. It goes against everything that I have learned here. I am not saying that it won't work but I have seen it backfire.

You really should be able to detach and let go with out YOU being the one to leave.

If she leaves you can not control that.
But you can control YOU!

[pinhead]

And if me staying around is a part of the reason she's in the fog, then moving out will remove some of it.

How do you know this ^^^^? You don't Pin and what makes you think that removing yourself from it will be better?

Either my presence is contributing to her staying in the fog, or it's causing it. She's said that she "can't see the forest for the trees," that she can't separate her feelings for me as a father to our daughters, from her feelings for me because everytime she turns around, I'm there. And that she feels responsible for my happiness, a responsibility that she's felt since we were married. Said that when she married me, she thought that was normal and wanted that role, now it's stifling.

I can't convince her that her feelings are wrong, because they're what she feels.

I can only find my own happiness, and hope that she sees I'm happy without her. Then she won't have to carry that burden (in her mind).