I believe it's time for you to stop all contact with your husband for a period of time; you've done all you can do to stand, so you may continue to stand; as long as you choose to, but you'll need to detach totally from your husband and go NC to allow him to figure himself out.
Don't have a clue how long that might take; but remember, if you choose to, you can end this at any time.
In regards to a divorce, if he wants one; he'll have to do all the heavy lifting to get it done, but you don't have to talk about it or help him accomplish this.
Simply let him go, as Eric has suggested. When someone gets what they think they want, it usually turns out to not be what they wanted at all.
Your husband is very confused; and it not certain of what he wants, yet he comes back to you. As long as you engage with him, he will keep evading his issues. When you let him go, however; and move forward with your life; it may be the act of letting go will be what brings him forward, too.
He still loves you, has deep feelings for you, or he wouldn't continue to come back to you.
He wants you to do it for him, and that cannot be; he must do for himself. The very fact he keeps contacting you, and you keep answering him keeps him stuck..as you are "distracting" him from what he needs to do.
This is NOT your fault, but you must break this line of contact with him; he's not going to.
That is why I'm suggesting NC; detaching, and getting on with your life...all the while keeping a door ajar.
You've got time to do this, and see what happens.
I don't know how this will come out, but I do know things cannot continue as they have been; he is cycling worse; and you're getting more tired as time goes on.
Don't let this destroy what you feel for him; to preserve what feeling you do have left, you must DETACH completely from his drama.
If he decides to go on, you've not lost anything; understand that.
You don't want him the way he is now; and you don't have to deal with him in the shape he's in now, unless you just want to.
You call the shots here, not him.
He did this to himself; placing you into a situation that was not of your own making; put you on a path not of your own making.
He started this, you did not; and there may come a point when you may have to put it to him in this way.
The burden is on him to do what's considered right, not you.
LET HIM GO
Keep us posted.
Much love to you, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
ERic and HB, I get it, I really do. However, the NC is a difficult thing to accomplish when kids and finances are involved.
1) He calls to talk to the kids, I answer the phone and give it right to them. Then they give it back to me. Usually he only talks for a few moments.
2) He picks up the kids from school, a few times a week right now, so that is when I have been seeing him in person and those are the times that he breaks down crying and saying all the stuff I've previously posted.
3) I have to communicate with him regarding financial stuff. When we need money in the account, etc...
4) I let him stay with the kids on weekend nights that I have plans with friends. I offer this to him, before contacting a babysitter because it gives him an opportunity to be with his children and vice versa as opposed to me having to pay for a sitter.
Do you think I should not even give him the option and just call a sitter from now on? If I do that, I suppose I fear he will flip out and accuse me of not letting him see his children. (He did that the first time we were separated - because I used to just have my mom watch the kids)
I agree with NC but I just don't see how I can effectively pull that off.
Side note: I called out of work today, stayed home and slept for the most part because I barely got any sleep last night and felt a cold coming on. He picked up the kids from school and brought them home. They came running upstairs and jumped on my bed hugging and kissing me. He stood there watching and tears filled his eyes as he said "I wish someone loved me the way those kids love you" I looked at him and said "someone did" He left shortly thereafter and me and the kids went to Target to get the doggies some food.
I have a bunch of stuff I need to put up on eBay. Maybe tomorrow night.
Yes NC is very hard to do when you have kids. So instead of thinking of it as “NC” or “Dark” – think of it as “true detachment with an attempt to limit any interaction”.
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I answer the phone and give it right to them.
Can you pick up a caller ID system and once you see it is him have one of the kids pick up the phone. When and IF he asks for you, make sure that you are in the bathroom or something like that. If he insist on speaking with you – keep the conversation focused on the kids. Anything else that is brought up could be responded with a “I really do not want to talk right now”.
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He picks up the kids from school, a few times a week right now, so that is when I have been seeing him in person
Is their anyway that you can make yourself scarce when he drops them off. Another option could be to have him drop them off at your family’s house and then you can pick them up later.
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those are the times that he breaks down crying and saying all the stuff I've previously posted.
I think you need to explain to him that this type of behavior is NOT good for the kids to see and/or hear. If he starts up again, I really think you need to stand your ground, show support to some extent “you should really talk to your counselor” and then leave the room that he is in. Now, please I am not saying that you need to be very cool and distant – no – I am simply saying that YOU need to distance yourself from his wild behavior. He needs time to sort through this stuff and YOU cannot help.
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I have to communicate with him regarding financial stuff. When we need money in the account, etc..
Come up with a monthly budget. Factor in incidental stuff like haircuts, etc and also the big ticket household expenses. Whatever the monthly number is, share it with him and ask that he deposit the money into the joint account. Another option is to have HIM pay the bills and only provide you with the money you need to support the kids. In the event that you cannot reach some sort of monthly number, then your contact should be via text. If he calls, don’t answer and just text him back.
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I let him stay with the kids on weekend nights that I have plans with friends. I offer this to him, before contacting a babysitter because it gives him an opportunity to be with his children and vice versa as opposed to me having to pay for a sitter.
As a man that has had to fight to try and get ˝ time with his kids…my first comment is it is his right to have his kids overnight. Having said this, his R with his kids is really something that he will need to work at. Based on my own personal sitch it is NOT easy – BUT this is not your problem. You may want to come up with a set schedule for a few reasons 1) get the kids into a set schedule and 2) allows both him and YOU to plan. In terms of limiting contact…you can use the family or friends as a drop off and pick up spot as well.
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Do you think I should not even give him the option and just call a sitter from now on?
Jennifer, I cannot tell you what to do and even the above comments are just suggestions. Having said this, I think you should continue to give him the opportunity to see his kids and if that means to baby sit well then he should be given the right to refuse it. I suggest the parenting plan that I mentioned earlier.
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If I do that, I suppose I fear he will flip out and accuse me of not letting him see his children.
Think about this for a sec…DO you think anything YOU do right now will change how he interacts with you? Probably not, so you need to make this about YOU and the kids. Do what feels right in your heart.
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I have a bunch of stuff I need to put up on eBay
Lemme know what it is…I need a ton of stuff.
Jennifer, you can do this. You just need to start thinking creatively. I also want to say as someone who was totally cut off, that IF you feel that you still want this M. Leave that door open. Take a peek every know and then and see how he is coming along. If he wants the D, let him drive the process. For now, keep your emotional well being and that of YOUR kids YOUR TOP priority.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I get it, I know what I have to do. However, our situation is unique in that, he doesn't have a "place" to live. He is sleeping at his retail store. So that leaves us with very few options at this point as far as the kids are concerned. It's not like he can pick them up and take them there, kwim? It's not a home obviously. Secondly, I don't have family other than my aunt and uncle. So the option to have him drop off at my family's isn't any good either. When he comes to the house to hang out with them on a night that go out, that's the only option there is. He either stays there and watches them or it doesn't happen. He can't take them anywhere.
I'm just saying that I have very limited options when it comes to NC. And I pretty much have been following that when/if we talk on the phone. He always calls my cell to talk to the kids and from now on I will just hand the phone to them, if possible.
And I usually do only communicate via text regarding financials. I'm not a chaser, I'm not one of those that will irritate the crap out of my husband because I call him all the time. I leave him alone. When we separated the first time, I did just that...left him alone.
As for eBay Eric, mostly kids clothes and shoes - lol!
However, our situation is unique in that, he doesn't have a "place" to live. He is sleeping at his retail store.
Yes that is pretty unique. What is HE is doing about it? Can anything be done? Is this strictly due to finances?
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So that leaves us with very few options at this point as far as the kids are concerned. It's not like he can pick them up and take them there, kwim?
I get what you mean. Your H will need to figure out how to provide some type of home for him and his kids.
This is where it get really interesting, he says he wants a D yet he probably cannot afford it. Jen, I am at a loss for words here. You really do have the patience of a saint and I believe YOU need to do what YOU think is right.
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Secondly, I don't have family other than my aunt and uncle.
Depending on how much I will have to pay in Alimony I will be available for baby sitting at 75 bucks an hour - just kidding…trying to inject a little humor here.
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When he comes to the house to hang out with them on a night that go out, that's the only option there is.
Well at least your going out – you see there is always a silver lining
And I usually do only communicate via text regarding financials.
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I still suggest coming up with a monthly budget and asking for it once a month or better yet have him deposit it. It seems that he is self employed so he probably is juggling his cash flow, which no doubt changes from week to week so I can imagine this is tough.
[quote]I'm not a chaser, I'm not one of those that will irritate the crap out of my husband because I call him all the time. I leave him alone.
I never said you were a chaser and if I gave you that impression I am sorry.
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As for eBay Eric, mostly kids clothes and shoes - lol!
Okay let me know if you plan to see things like…..sofa’s, completely furnished homes, cars, electronics, etc ROTFLMAO.
Jen –What happen with seeing a therapist together?
Look this stuff is hard and honestly I think you are doing the best you can.
(((hugs)))
You can do this.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Yes that is pretty unique. What is HE is doing about it? Can anything be done? Is this strictly due to finances?
I am not sure if he is doing anything about it - I believe this is what he wants to discuss (what there is to discuss I am not sure) when he says we need to sit down and talk about "Stuff". Yes, strictly due to finances. See, we have what we need to live but don't have extra, so to speak. I know, HE needs to figure something out.
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Well at least your going out – you see there is always a silver lining
I know, that's not going to stop either! I cherish my ME time. Honestly can't wait to have some drinks this weekend.
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I still suggest coming up with a monthly budget and asking for it once a month or better yet have him deposit it. It seems that he is self employed so he probably is juggling his cash flow, which no doubt changes from week to week so I can imagine this is tough.
Yes, very tough indeed.
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I never said you were a chaser and if I gave you that impression I am sorry.
No I didn't think that you implied that in any way whatsoever...I was just reiterating the fact. And it's one of the things about myself that I am proud of and seems to come easily to me.
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Jen –What happen with seeing a therapist together?
I can't even get in to see the guy by myself, he's totally booked. I am waiting for an opening with him.
I believe this is what he wants to discuss (what there is to discuss I am not sure) when he says we need to sit down and talk about "Stuff".
Do you think you can listen to him discuss “stuff” and no overreact? Can you listen to him say I want a D but not respond or say…”I’m sorry you feel that way”?
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Yes, strictly due to finances
Have you figured out what you would need to maintain you and the kids? I believe that you work currently – is your income enough to maintain your current standard of living?
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See, we have what we need to live but don't have extra, so to speak. I know, HE needs to figure something out.
Bingo – he wanted this – he needs to figure it out.
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I can't even get in to see the guy by myself, he's totally booked. I am waiting for an opening with him.
Can you try another therapist?
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Do you think you can listen to him discuss “stuff” and no overreact? Can you listen to him say I want a D but not respond or say…”I’m sorry you feel that way”?
Sure. I can definitely try my best.
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Have you figured out what you would need to maintain you and the kids? I believe that you work currently – is your income enough to maintain your current standard of living?
Me and the kids and (2) dogs...including the mortgage, car payment, etc... alot. No way Jose, my income is not nearly enough. The biggest advantage to me working is health benefits. Without them, because he owns a business we'd be paying $1,300 a month for the four of us. With me working (Thank God) we only pay around $400 a month. I'm not sure what we need to do at this point. Lose our pants on selling the house with the market the way it is. I don't know - but these are things we need to discuss.
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Can you try another therapist?
I could, but I really, really, really want to see the guy that has been working with my H for the past 4 weeks. I think it would help ME alot to talk to someone who knows who I am referring to when I talk about our situation. So, I will wait until I can get into see him.
H texts me this morning "Good morning...what's our family Dr. #...I'm all f'd up"
I wanted to reply with "My friend google knows" but didn't.
Seems like you have your head screwed on so let me ask you this...
What do you expect to get out of the meeting with the therapist?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
That's a good question Eric. No matter what, it can't hurt for me to talk to him.
Weekend was pretty good. Went out Friday night with friends, H stayed with the kids that night, he and I got into stuff after I got home - I was a little buzzed so I was more emotional than usual. It sucked to be honest. Ya know, listening to him say the same stuff over and over.
Saturday was busy all day and then took the kids on a Haunted Hayride - it was SO fun! They loved it! Had a kids birthday party to attend on Sunday and then a friend of mine stopped over for a little bit Sunday eve.
Then I get this text from H at 10:00 this morning...
"Why does it seem to me that you are doing everything you can to prove that you are a better parent than me…if I was home you wouldn’t be doing most of the things you are doing with the kids..and on top of that you will purposely put the kids to bed with no care at all as to whether they talked to me or not…"
(I know it's HIS guilt and HIS insecurities talking because it honestly didn't make any sense when I thought about it. Like seriously, he thinks I should sit in the house and do nothing with the kids?)
I replied about 2 hours later with "Sorry that's the way you feel. I am not competing nor am I going to defend myself. They go to bed at 9. Call earlier if you would like. Nothing's being done on purpose."
