Not much to update. We did see each other yesterday. We met at the gym and then he came to the house for dinner. He said he had work to do and didn't stay long so, we really didn't have a chance to talk about much of anything. He made plans to meet up with me tonight so we can talk. I just find it curious that he is the one who keeps bringing up talking about us...usually that is the last thing he wants to do.
I have been getting those deju vu feelings...wonder why! I have been here many times before...thinking that things are changing and that we are moving forward and then we hit the wall. Am I just convincing myself that things are different this time? I just have to wait and see...the only problem with that is that I do have to risk being hurt and disappointed again. Oh well, I can handle it.
bm-Thanks for wishing me added strength...I need it. I hope this truly is forward movement.
Trusting-My H dropped the bomb 2/07...it feels like a lifetime ago.
It has been almost 3 weeks since I let my H get his foot back in the door. He had previously planned trips out of town for the last 2 weekends...this weekend will be our first opportunity to spend a little more time together although the only plans we have together are for tonight. At times, we both have busy schedules and I understand that. Right now though, I am feeling like we are just headed down the same road where as long as I am patient, understanding and accepting of everything on my H's terms, we get along fine until I push for more...I just can't have a repeat of what has happened before. My H claims it is different and I do see that some things are different but I'm feeling like I need more than this to feel comfortable.
Here is what has changed... -He has been making a little more effort to spend time with me (however he has been busy so that time has been somewhat limited). -He is more consistant with his follow through. When he says he is going to do something, he ususally does. -He seems more certain when he tells me that he wants to work this out and eventually move back. -He tells me he wants to pursue me. -I feel like he is trying to connect with me more on an emotional level but it is hard to know for sure. -I have changed. I am no longer as emotionally invested in this as I once was. The patience and tolerance I need to get through this has pretty much evaporated. I am giving my H this opportunity to see if we can work this out but at this point, I'm not sure how much I really care one way or the other.
Here is what has not changed... -Right now, I feel like I am back to accepting things on his terms again...meaning we talk or see each other when it fits into his schedule. I was feeling more like a priority and I am not so sure right now. -We are going down the same path just waiting to see if he can get over (even around or under) the wall instead of hitting it.
We will be divorced in a little over 2 months if things don't change more. Maybe I just need to let my H know how I am feeling...maybe I need to see how the weekend goes.
I know this may sound petty when so many here would love to have a positive connection with their spouse but I have had this carrot dangled toooooo many times before. I need more action and I need more follow through!
It doesn't sound petty - this has been a very very long journey for you. But - listen to yourself.....read what you have written. Don't let yourself fall back into the same pattern of following his lead. Try pushing a bit....he wants to make you a priority.......help him do that. I guess what I'm saying is maybe it's time to demand a little more. If he is SO busy and has another out of town trip that he must make - invite yourself along! My fondest memories of H and I together were when we went "away from it all."
Time to "so something different.................."
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
I think the hard part about it is that you get so used to behaving a certain way with MLC that when the situation shifts, your actions have to shift and it's not so obvious what you need to do. Trust your instincts. Keep your patience because as you know, it's still a long road. If he is opening up to you a bit more, then perhaps it's time to do the same. But only YOU can make that determination.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Upside only you can decide what is best for your situation, but I can say that once I moved on for good was when I finally saw movement from my h. I wished I had done that sooner than later, but I wasn't ready. Also, if you think it's tough now and your patience is thin it's another whole journey that you will find yourself on when they return, but one that may be worth it all.
If it feels like the same old thing, then it probably is and you might need to change it up a bit. I know that when I was no longer available to my h was when he finally woke up.
I hope things work out the way you would like them to, it would be nice to hear that your situation worked out and you and your h are piecing and he has returned home, but only he can make that decision.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Thanks everyone. You all gave me something different to think about.
Ok here's the latest list of things that my H has changed...
-told me that now I have "power" in the relationship -did not run away when we had a disagreement and discussion -actually did something around the house when asked
This is what my H still needs to change...
-needs to find his patience...his anxiety makes me anxious! -still scared to move forward and has no plan -needs to make more of an effort to help around the house...without resenting it -needs to not say the F word all the time...I hate that!!! -needs follow through pursuing me and try to connect with me
The D clock is still ticking...2 more months...not sure what to do. It wasn't really that long ago that I would have done anything for my H to move home...now I really don't want my H to live with me until more changes...if they will!
It wasn't really that long ago that I would have done anything for my H to move home...now I really don't want my H to live with me until more changes...if they will!
You know I've thought the same thing too - for so long I have thought that I would do ANYTHING to get my H to come back to me. I still love my H - even after the last 3 years of he**, but I've recently let my eyes be open, and have thought about what I want - deserve even - from a relationship/marriage. I think in the beginning of all of this I would have abandoned what I wanted to save my family (in actuality that was how I was living before the bomb drop - which lead to my unhappiness and thus fueled my H's MLC). It's been very slow for me, but I know that what I want needs to be a priority - and I think you KNOW that too.
Try not to concentrate too much on the ticking D-day. It's hard to tell you to be patient - because it has been such a long journey, but let yourself appreciate and understand what you need out of this relationship (to make it a real marriage) and don't let a date on the calendar make you settle for less than what you deserve. Only you can decide (not a piece of paper) whether you are done (or not)- so you do have the power.
Think about how far you have come and what is important to YOU. I hope your H can make those changes and re-commit. I really want that for you - if that is still what YOU want.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want for myself - but as a mother, I have also thought about my children and the kind of relationships I want for them some day. I've worried about what they might be taking from this experience - with me still standing with no encouragement, and mostly instances of disrespect and odd behavior from H. I would never want them to think any of this is acceptable. I'm digressing and will stop here (LOTS more to work on for myself!!).
I'm glad you posted the update and continue to wish you all the best!!
Di an a mo
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
