I think you do or else why go through the effort of giving her a memento of you. It's okay. You still care for her. I get it. Have your kids ever talked about the OM?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think you do or else why go through the effort of giving her a memento of you. It's okay. You still care for her. I get it. Have your kids ever talked about the OM?
I really don't concern myself with her seeing the OM. We're not in the process of reconciling, so it doesn't matter. If we agreed to attempt reconciliation, that would be a different matter.
The memento was nothing - just a small figurine I keep on my desk - it took no effort on my part. I only gave it to her because I sense a crack in her resolve, and I'm just giving her a nudge to crack further. If it has no effect, so be it. In a way I'm having fun with it. Using a little finesse. Maybe even just to screw with the OM by making her think about what she is losing.
So yes, I still care for her; she is the mother of my children. And the preferred outcome of all this is an about face by her and a revitalized marriage. But that does not seem like the likely outcome, so I'm playing both sides.
The kids mention the OM all the time. THAT really bothers me, but there is nothing I can do about it. My W and the OM have worked hard to try and create a friendship between his kids and mine. They are not what I would call close - none of my kids mention his kids as being among their best friends - but they are friendly.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I really don't concern myself with her seeing the OM. We're not in the process of reconciling, so it doesn't matter. If we agreed to attempt reconciliation, that would be a different matter.
I totally agree. You just have to be ready for all outcomes.
At this point, I agree filing is the right action regardless of outcome.
You just need to be ready for divorce and ready for teary-eyed reconciliation talk. Know what your conditions are and stick to your guns.
Why are you doing this to me?
You ended our marriage by moving out and sleeping with someone else. Divorce is the next step. What did you think would happen?
Why won't you get back together?
I will under one set of circumstances. Meet those and we're back together. Or don't meet them and we divorce because I want to. I don't want to be with someone who won't X, Y, Z.
SpinFree, there's a reckonin' comin'... (didn't realize that was a Tea Party thing; I meant it as a Young Guns quote, oops)
Last edited by SpinFree; 09/24/1005:35 PM. Reason: clarification
Haven't updated in a while so thought I would post.
W returned from her overseas trip at the end of last month. I invited her to spend her first day back with the family at dinner. We had some wine and she showed me the pictures she took while the kids watched a movie.
She kept a journal during her trip and asked me if I'd like to read it. I agreed and read it after she took the kids back to her place.
Not one mention of the OM in the journal, which was encouraging. She did mention a few times about missing her family. She mentioned not liking being away from her kids but knowing that "they are in good hands". She had an entry that said "Pigskin is probably picking the kids up from school right about now".
She also had a few entries talking about how she is still questioning herself and what she is doing. How she shared her story with the group she was with, and they all agreed to pray for her. Also a line asking God to please grant her patience, serenity, and above all, the ability to forgive, as well as granting others the ability to forgive her faults.
She also included a mention of her not knowing what the future holds, "There is a lot going on at home, and while my activities here help to keep my mind off of them, in the quiet moments alone it still weighs on my heart...it helps to hear that no matter what happens in the future, whether I stay married to Pigskin or am divorced, God will use me for His purposes."
This was pretty telling as to where her mind is, and how she has not put our marriage behind her. These are not comments from someone hell bent on divorce. Coupled with the fact that there was no mention of missing the OM, and she spent no time with him on the days she was first back (we spent a lot of family time together) seems to suggest some cooling off.
Maybe it is just in my mind, but I know if I was madly in love with some other woman, she'd be the first person I'd be running to on my return, after spending time with my kids. W has been very friendly since her return, but with her depression that can be fleeting.
She may very well fall back into the same old, same old after a few days, and I kind of expect that. But we'll see. I have to see concrete change before I am willing to change my path.
I've landed a new job which will be starting in the coming weeks, so I have zero dependency on any of her income. Ramping up in the new position will obviously take time away from divorce prep, but I can live with that. I'll be watching closely over these few days to see if there is some change of heart on her part. But it won't take much for her to derail any of these perceived changes.
Overall I am very happy and not dwelling on any of this. I'm still ready for whatever happens. I'm even getting some feelers from a single woman who I know is interested in me. But I'm not doing anything with that, as I am adament on not starting any relationship until/unless this one is formally ended. I'm cool with my single life and doing my thing.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
A positive turn in my sitch, although actions speak louder than words, so I remain guarded.
Had dinner with W last night. Wanted to ask her about what she had written in her mission journal regarding our situation. Simply opened by asking "what were you thinking as you wrote about the uncertain future "married to pigskin or divorced?"
Out came a lot, which I just listened to. Some was matter of fact some mixed with emotion. A few highlights/quotes:
--She admitted she thinks about our situation every day
--She said she questions her thinking and sometimes thinks, "What am I doing? I had it good! Why am I trying to find something different?"
--"I thought the other day about when the kids come home from college. Who's house would they come home to?"
--It kills me to hear D say "I miss Daddy". Or "Why can't we stay here longer" (The kids don't like the transition from parent to parent)
--Lots of stuff prefaced by "When I think about coming back..." I was sure to interject that it is not just something she decides to do and the doors fly open. I told her that I would have to determine if I wanted her back, to which she nodded.
--She noted that I have been getting better with things that she had issues with before, and she has been genuinely touched by a couple of them.
One thing that still sticks in her mind is her belief that we could have a "fine" marriage, but not a "great" marriage, regardless of whether we put God at the center. I told her that I believe that if you invite God into your marriage, He will make it better than you could possibly imagine. She seemed to think I was implying that there would never be challenges, which was not the case.
There was a point where she became upset with something I said (me questioning her faith, which as I tend to do, I may have gone overboard with) and got up, put her shoes on, and was about to leave. I remained seated and politely asked her to sit down again, that this was no way to discuss differences (stomping off is how she often handled disagreements before, as she has a hard time debating things with me). She said "If you want to talk, you come over here."
I said "Please sit down and finish the conversation. This is not how adults deal with disagreement." And she sat, and we continued the conversation.
Later on I asked her what I could do to help her. With everything. Her depression, her view that a reconciliation would be more likely to be just OK at best, etc. She said "Stop picking on me and making me feel like I am a horrible person."
I said OK. But asked her to understand that I am frustrated with our sitch and that sometimes comes out in dealing with her.
At one point I posed the question, "Do you want to divorce?"
Her answer: "No. It would be horrible."
Now all of this is actually a new line of thinking from her. For the first time, she did not bring up past hurts, did not rewrite our past as "miserable" ("I had it good" was the first time I have ever heard her admit that since the beginning of this whole ordeal). Did not try to say "the kids will be fine, kids are resilient". And even admitted that our marriage could be "good". A small crumb, no doubt, but I believe differently if I could just get us to reconciliation.
Perhaps this is a small step there, perhaps not. But I'm looking for actions and genuine 180s on her part. I am still comfortable with this going either way.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Had a good weekend hanging out with friends at a football game.
Kids were at Grandma and Grampa's starting Thursday night since they were off on Friday. W has been more communicative, sending random emails with funny videos she thought I'd like. She sent one telling me how she spent her "free Friday" just hanging out at her place, taking a bath and watching movies.
On Saturday I invited her over to watch a movie, telling her I wasn't going to do much since I had to get up early on Sunday. Not trying to make a "date" or anything; she had indicated before she had no plans, so rather than us both hanging out alone, I figured I'd at least offer. She declined, saying "I just don't think I'm ready for that today, given our discussion Thursday we still seem to take two steps forward and one step back."
That led to a discussion of things that were said on Thursday, which was very productive and amicable, and we ironed things out in a good way. I told her no big deal if she didn't want to come over; I was just giving her an option other than sitting at her place bored. I took no offense and just watched football instead.
In any case, communication and her attitude have definitely gotten better. I just don't think she is "there" yet to try a full reconciliation. But it does seem less of an impossibility than it did just a few short weeks ago. Her stating point blank that she didn't want a divorce is a positive; it may just require some slow steady baby steps from here to get to serious reconciliation discussion.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Journaling: In any case, communication and her attitude have definitely gotten better. I just don't think she is "there" yet to try a full reconciliation. But it does seem less of an impossibility than it did just a few short weeks ago. Her stating point blank that she didn't want a divorce is a positive; it may just require some slow steady baby steps from here to get to serious reconciliation discussion.
Reconciliation carries some serious self-examination and some serious self-admission that she screwed up. That's the scary part. She may not ever admit it to you: "I needed that to see just how much you needed to change." It will still be there inside her skull. She knows the damage that she's done to the family and the flimsy excuses that she's based it on.
It's not a fun $417 sandwich to snack on. She's just not ready to face it yet.
