Thanks for the welcome kissak I will be reading your story a little more as well. But did you keep ML with your H or did you stop after a while? I have tried to stop once but we just seem to both fall on each other if we go for more than 4 weeks.
And TAMF the longest we have gone without ML (aside from the year I walked out) is 4 weeks and that was AFTER having my babies.
Normally we ML every other day at LEAST.
When he is not here I have no libido bring him round well...
He is here today. Pottering round the shed and things. When I arrived home from shopping he was here, I knew he was coming. I gave him a kiss hello and then left him be. If he asks i assist him.
When he is around I don't go on the computer. I used to but found out after he had left that he felt I was pushing him away and having an affair online. I wasn't, never occured to me, ironically I was trying to find ways of saving money as we had financial problems so that he wasn't under pressure.
And so I watch and love him and be here for him as no other can be. and while doing so look after my own self and those of our girls.
Wow plowing thorugh the reading fascinating stuff. Journalling I think I am lucky in many ways. H is still very attached to girls although at first (lasting about 6 weeks) he just didn't seem to care really and did things that hurt them. Not now.
Ow gets very little of his money. He pays well over what he has to, thank goodness.
He talks alot about what we will be doing with our house. I do not listen to this although it is hard on the girls if they hear this type of thing becasue then they start asking questions. They seem to instinctively know not to ask him and I tend to answer as honestly as I can. that I don't know but dad will always love you and look after you.
I do miss him so. It is the little things I miss most.
I recently purchased the 5 love languages and his is acts of service. I come home to find things done, a hole fixed, lawns mowed, something added to the house ( a clothesline). But I don't hold my breath. I show appreciation for them and try and "reciprocate" by having the house tidy, washing up done and small things like that.
It started off to be a thing for him (something he complained about) but is now something for me as the tidy house is more peaceful. I have been decluttering as well which is totally for me. I enjoy the fact that a person can come to the house and 95% of the time it is presentable.
I also purchased myself a small puppy. When H asked about why I got it I simply replied because I can.
The girls are funny as I am looking at repainting, a big move for me as I am not that handy LOL. When H said soemthing about a colour, Miss7 said "daddy this is a girls house you are not the boss."
He replied "But I am here." Miss7 "But Daddy you are with OW in a new house this is OUR house."
He looked unhappy with that but it's the truth.
Another funny thing happened as well. He was at home watching tv with Miss13, Miss10 and myself and soemone on tv was trying to have an affair and he said "What sort of idiot does that?" It was met with dead silence. Ummmm Hello you at least had EA with OW before walking out but OW was still married and hiding it from her H for a few weeks at least. I didn't say it but my eyebrows quirked i think he realised himself as he quickly changed the subject. I wanted to laugh and I wanted to throttle him all a the same time.
Its been a lovely day today. My house is sort of under control and I purchased a nice new quilt cover set and popped it on. H has been over most of the day. When I came home from school drop off I realised I had NEW kitchen taps. Have been having lots of trouble with the old ones and these ones are very expensive. He asked me to go out to the shops with him. So I did. He also purchased car seat covers. he says it's to get rid of the girly ones I had on the car. fair enough. I like dragons as well so no problem there. lol He is doing up his car, and he was looking at stickers I was admiring one and he came along and purchased it to put on his car. I had a thought that this doing up his car is a dream of his. i always knew he wanted to do it and actually I did try to encourage him once many moons ago but he never went thorugh with it. I am glad to see him actually following one of his dreams. I like the fact thtat he asks me for input into things in regards to the car. I always say what i prefer and funnily(?) enough more often then not it was what he was thinking anyway.
I did my study and played with Miss1 while he does what he does with the car. Occassionally i wander out there to have a peek, but on a whole let him be.
I like this no pressure thing. for the pressure isn't just off him it is also off of me to perform a certain way.
We will have nice tea and they will stay till about 8pm or so before he takes them over night while I work.
And tomorrow I will not rush home after work (I finish at 9am) to wait for them to come back I will wander down to a market and enjoy myself for a while. If they come home fine, if they don't fine.
No expectations moving forward with my eyes on the prize... MY LIFE.
No expectations moving forward with my eyes on the prize... MY LIFE.
Good place to be!
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
So in the last 6 months I have just about done everything you're not meant to. I am totally surprised H even speaks to me. Oh well starting from now is the only thing I can do No regrets can't change a thing.
Very few of us start off by doing the right thing in the beginning. We're too blown over by the shock/pain/anguish/frustration/confusion etc. And how many of us TRULY had an understanding of MLC prior to our situations. Probably none of us. So you're right. Today is a new day. Make it a goal to make every day better than the last.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
H was over today. He was working on his car after bringing the girls back. He was in a snaky mood because of something the car was doing. He made one comment to me and I was quite proud of myself. I just nodded and said I'll leave you to it then and wandered inside. I went to bed! Needed to working from Midnight till 9am and no sleep since Thursday night... When I wake up I wander out and he askes how I am. Yep good. Girls and I decide to contact friend and have a movie night YEY. BF comes over and we go out to grab movies. Asked H if he needed anything along the way. When I come back he's asking what am I doing as I hadn't told him what I am doing? Say having a girly night tonight movies and the like. he seems surprised. He decides to leave and he says I may see you tomorrow. I reply OK whatever, have a good night. he grunts in reply Oh Bound to. In the tone of voice that lets you know he really thinks otherwise. Your choice dear.
It's nice. Making plans to suit me and my girls is great. I don't have to worry about his feelings. He chooses not be here so i choose to enjoy this time. Maybe tomorrow I will give myself a manicure LOL
And just as a side note Miss5 is telling me that she is a swimming monkey that shoots spiders out of her butt. Yep Life goes on in my totally normal household ROFL
Looking at the staes i think he is in replay or depression but really I have no idea.
So lets look at the positives.
he asked my opinion he kissed me goodbye lately he had been doing blow kisses. he chatted to me about nothing in particular. I organised a good time tonight with friend the girls are happy and content I didn't react the way I normally would when he had a go at me We are parenting more as a team
i was able to explain to him clearly why i didn not want the girls bringing home toys and stuff from his & OW place. This one was fairly important to me as if stuff from her comes into the house I feel I can't toss it out without the girls getting involved in a "situation" the thing is I am decluttering. All I said to him was I am trying to minimise the amount of stuff they have here please leave the stuff they get there over there as i don't want to toss it out as i clean and upset them.
Negatives He was narky at me for no particular reason I am not quite as detached as I want to be. I am much improved but still find myself thinking would he like it?
Last time I tried to remove the pictures of us it truly devastated him. he took it as a sign I wasn't interested in a reconcilliation although he is living with OW. UGH
So I have the pictures up. Not all but a few.
The other thing that I tried to do was cut texting him I would send him one every morning saying Hi. that was it. I stopped it for 3 weeks and he was furious he looks forward to it. He feels me there if I do it.
Now I am moving forward with the one hand behind if he wants to join me but it's the little things that seem to mean the most to him. Not the words I love you but the action of sending him a text. Not the words I am here for you but the pictures on the wall.
I don't say ILY unless he does. So I try and detach in other ways. a new quilt cover, thinking of painting a wall in my bedroom a colour that will make me smile. Little changes that say I am moving forward but leaving the pictures up and keeping the text. Make take up Zumba!
Hi Lance Thanks so much. I'm still reading so many people, different people similar story, different endings. I have done counselling and have worked my way through all the stages. I am mostly accepting now although like anything else sometimes you can slip back into other stages. my marriage is dead. Doesn't mean the feelings are dead or the possibility for a new relationship but the old had to die. Even if I didn't think it was broken obviously it was, and no matter the comfort I had with it I don't want the old relationship as it would just end up broken again. I do not want that. I want a new relationship. But first I want to rediscover me. I can't worry about what his motives are or his moves or try and work out what his thinking. I can't worry about how my every move may affect him.
I can control what I do. I can control how I want to be. I can examine how I helped in the breakdown of our marriage. I can work out what I want to do. It is all about me looking after me.
it has taken me a long while to be able to think about him and me without crying. To understand that it wasn't me although I still carry some guilt which I will purge over time especially as they sting when bought up. I am learning how to deal with the emotions rather than ignoring them or bottling them up. I have been very lucky because although estranged from my family (and believe me it is healthier that way toxic very toxic) his family love me, I have some very good friends that have supported me. But I needed to find people who understand where I am and why I am doing this. To find people who I can talk to without being told I have to move on. Or that he is a lost cause. I need to find people who will 2x4 me when I need it and give me insight to what maybe happening with me. I needed to understand what happened. And although I may not fully comprehend I now have something I can grasp.
I want my life for me. I want my life so I can set the example for my girls. I want it all and hey if H joins in the end that's a bonus if he doesn't my life is complete anyway.
And man I like to talk.
One day i hope to be able to read other peoples threads and offer help but at present I don't think I am much use.
