I just don't know... seems that he spends most of the afterwork hours either at his mom's or at the dropzone skydiving.
how do you know?
Quote:
"why can't I be like some typical guys, beer drinking sports fan couch potatos who can have casual sex aside here and there and not make an issue out of that, don't even think about it, let alone having any guilt?"
So why would he have guilt?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
How do I know where he spends time... again, I can't be sure 100%, but I hear oftenly from D that he is at the dropzone, or I see new pictures or video files from the dropzone in the Dropbox which we share. No need to snoop, I get noification every time a new file was added.
As of spending time at his mom's, thats only 15 min walking distance from our home, so D is oftenly there, spending time with him, either at mom's or outside. Other than that, I don't know his whereabouts nor did I tried to find out.
His cell phone is on my company scheme, so I get detailed invoice with call list on my hands. Vast majority of items on the list are D's, FIL's and MIL's numbers. However, in my country prepaid numbers are not registered, and I know that he has one. Whether he uses it or not, I don't know, and I didn't even bother to check. I've done my part of snooping when this last A was actual and I'm not sure now whether I should put myself through it once again, it was awful.
Coach, why would he have guilt for not being able to be like those guys? I don't know, maybe he really is in a sort of a MLC and wants to test his "market value" but has a number of moral and emotional doubts/guilts... who knows
Sky
Me:48 H:48 M:23, T:27 DD 24 Bomb 1 07/27/10,IDLY,moved out without notice while I was at funeral Bomb 2 09/30/10, "I can't return home, I want D" Found out OW in picture since 07/09 D'd: 04/01/11
I'm so sorry you are going through this and I can feel your pain in your posts! I'm thinking about you and sending you strength to get through this rough time.
Whether or not he is having another Affair it really doesn't matter b/c an affair is a reaction to issues in the marriage. You can spend your energy trying to figure that our, or spend your energy trying to realize why your marriage is failing.
Is there anything that you think can save your marriage? Have you asked your H that? Sometimes, it takes hitting rock bottom to come to the realization as to what it means to have a crumbling marriage and to allow yourself to recognize what's gone wrong through the years.
I would agree with the MLC, if it wasn't for the issues you had years previously. It seems to me more like a broken relationship, than a MLC. I believe in repair for broken relationships...has he shown any glimpses of repair?
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
I find some of them very confusing, i.e. "why can't I be like some typical guys, beer drinking sports fan couch potatos who can have casual sex aside here and there and not make an issue out of that,don't even think about it, let alone having any guilt?"
what is confusing about that statement? he told you he is having more than casual sex with someone. it has become an issue, an item, he's fallen in love. and its all he thinks about. forget the guilt part. that is his issue to deal with. its nothing you can change.
what you do depends on whether you want someone who is exclusive to you.
Beth83, sure I know that we had our issues, and I really tried to do whatever I could to solve them. But it seemed as if we were just two ships passing by each other in the night. It was very frustrating, as I really felt I've tried everything in the world but never got response.
He was such a nice and caring guy before this A 10 years ago, then all of a sudden he withdrew and fell into heavy depression, with zillion questions, analyzing who he is, what he achieved by then... later he told me she was just a consequence, not a cause of depression. But when he returned home (on his own will, I gave him space and time), he came as a half of the man I used to know, and he never fully recovered.
Instead, he turned into angry and distant person, who flat-out told me he was not going to stop spending time with her, as she was ill, on chemo then. I tried to understand, but asked him to be honest with me, don't lie and hide, as this was the only way to build trust. Long story short, he never stopped lying to me, doing things behind my back or being just plain disrespectful.
Good example is how I discovered EA#2 - as a sign of good will and building trust, he gave me passwords to his two e-mail accounts, but short later he created a new one, just for him and OW2. It didn't take me effort to snoop, as it was almost in front of my nose, he left one mail printed on a counter and I found it next to his bag when I was vacuuming.
It was an account that I never saw before, but unbelievably, password was the same as one he gave me. The content of mail exchange sickened me, it was sooo disrespectful toward me. I confronted him, nd asked calmly who she is, and he told me with a smile, oh, thats a girl from work with whom I just had a coffee once, she joined our project. I repeated question, asking him please don't lie, tell me the truth, and he sad but I've told you. Then I put mail prints on the desk and he went ballistic, accusing me that I'm obsessive, controlling crazy b***h, he can't live that way, I controll his every move, I bite and never let go...
Our major issue is that he kept accusing me for controlling him, and I repeated 1000 times but please, stop, just stop lying to me, stop do those things, as with one lie you dismantle 100 good things you do! How on earth can I build trust if you don't give me a chance to heal??
Now he says that I never let go, that I was controlling, that I never appreciated that he came back home to me, means I won, and it should be enough... Yes, after few years he gradually became more of his old self, but he remain distant, self sufficient, less affectionate, even angry if I ask for more. No matter how hard I tried to show to explain in gentle words or just show that I need him, I need and want his closeness, I miss time spent with him... he never got it, but yes, he told numerous times that I withdraw from him. What could I do but stop trying if I come close, initiate and end up rejected so many times that it seriously affected my self esteem.
What to do if I ask him do you need me, do you need my affection, me being close to you, and he said yes, I do, a lot, and when I say then please, do take it, don't reject me, I am here and I need you too... and he never did, but then accuse me that I run away from him. What to say when I asked him (after 4 months sexless) do you want to be my husband or a roommate, and he says a husband, and then almost fight against me trying to kiss him. It looked as If I tried to rape him... Then we have a good month, normal, and here it goes again...withdrawal, rejection...
And now he says he can't be with me any more, he doesn't love me, he is tired of trying and never having any result, I am controlling, I never let go, I push him away, he feels whatever he do is not enough for me ...
I don't know what to say and what to make out of it, I tried every possible way to show him he is important to me, I am interested in him and attracted to him, I care for him and I truly love him... I appraised him for every little things he has done for me, at home or for my company (i.e. taking care of computer network), but when he kept rejecting me and distancing from me I told him once I so much appreciate his actions, but please, tell me why do you reject me, what is a problem? I yarn for you close to me, and you give me cakes, but don't understand that I am hungry just for plain bread and water, why do you reject me, please...??
Oh God, I've been far too long... this hurts so much..
Thank you for bearing with me, please tell me what do you think is a problem, I just don't understand
Sky
Me:48 H:48 M:23, T:27 DD 24 Bomb 1 07/27/10,IDLY,moved out without notice while I was at funeral Bomb 2 09/30/10, "I can't return home, I want D" Found out OW in picture since 07/09 D'd: 04/01/11
please tell me what do you think is a problem, I just don't understand
Let him go, pack up his stuff, do what you want with the house, he doesn't want you as is. Stop all pursuing. He knows he can have you no matter what.
He wants what he can't have so be what he can't have. Understand?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
